Smelling the flowers

Golden sent me this today. I think I like it. Some of his wording I don't really understand, but that's typical. LOL

Petunia & Golden Scheduling Codes

Description: Life can get complicate and emotions can run hot without meaning to. This document is intended to be a simple and quick guide to mutually agreed on expectations and assumptions between Petunia & Golden, whose names are not to appear explicitly in this document.

Some quick thoughts about scheduling, terms and etc. Tell me what you think!

Date Night: This is our night where we try to get out of the house together. This is the time we try to spend privately together.

Hangout: Like a date night, expect more casual. For example hanging around the house and doing everyday things. For instance, if either one of us have something we need to do that requires our attention, it is ok to do it. The share expectation is that we each make being around each other a priority.

For example, if I need to do school work I would try to sit by you and do it. Or you come downstairs and lay by me while I read.

Point is that we each can assume, in good faith, that the other is a priority and have (resemble) assumptions and take (resemble) liberties that go along with the type of time schedule.

Sleepy Time: This is like Hangout, but not a date. Instead the same preferential treatment, assumptions and expectations, but with far more flexibility

Bunking: This term describes where someone is sleeping and has no romantic connotations. The person bunking or hosting the bunking can change their mind at any time. If a change does occur whomever is making the change should give the other(s) an update, if possible, when the change is finalized.
 
I was just texting with my daughter about Christmas and at the end of our convo she sent me this:

Just so you know, Tay and I really like Golden and Bond.

If it doesn't work out with both of them or one of them the next guy has stiff competition.​

It really means a lot to me that my kids approve of my men. It took them years to give their endorsement to Twitch, partly because of their ages, but mostly because of him.
 
More work

Golden and I have been trying to create some good interactions and limit the accumulation of bad ones in an attempt to bring some balance back into our relationship.

This morning he sent me an IM with the following:

I acknowledge that I have a strong tendency to see potential negatives as future positives.

I have a zeal about becoming better and changing things, which are "negative" is my primary way of doing this.

What I have also come to grips with is that while this process works really well with me for various reasons, it does not work well in my relationships....if taken to my normal extremes.

In short and with you, I see my tendency of passively identifying potential negatives as very stressful for you. So I am going to work REALLY hard at changing ME!

This will be hard for me and I ask for your patience and compassion as I start this process. I will fail and might get lost, but I want to change to be a better partner to you!​

I found it alarming that 1.) he thought I didn't like his natural tendency to make silk purses out of sow's ears, and 2.) he is willing to attempt to eradicate that personality trait simply to try to please me. That's crazy! That's like, "Hey, this smacks of gaslighting, but I am willing to swallow this for you." Oiy vey!

I couldn't respond to all of that and try to set things straight via IM, so I moved to email.

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I'm not sure if it's in our best interest to jump into working on us rather than giving things some time to just be and for good feelings to dominate, but I'm going to proceed because I'm worried you're going to try to change something about yourself that is really wonderful that shouldn't be destroyed.
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I think you are identifying something as an issue that isn't the issue. If I am hearing you correctly, you believe that my perception is that your propensity to find the positive in a negative situation is in itself negative. I don't feel that way at all. I think that's an admirable trait.

I'm kind of alarmed that you would attempt to alter your thinking to this degree to fit yourself into a model that would work for me (in truth this is not necessary, but you believe it is, so you are willing to adopt this type of thinking.) It's an integral part of who you are. Seeing the silver lining is a wonderful, fantastic attribute, Golden. I love this about you!

My message was received wrong. I believe this was because I was unable to finish my thought when you wanted to address parts of my example. I was attempting to explain via examples that it seems to me that at times you may adopt a self-pity mental state which causes you to see things through a hurtful lens. In my example of the couch, I was saying that when you returned to the room you saw that there wasn't a spot by me on the couch. In my opinion you had two options, positive and negative, in which you could interpret and react to the situation.

1.) You could have felt that you were welcome, but we were being remiss by not having already made a spot for you, and remedied it by asking us to move over, or
2.) You could have felt hurt and interpreted our placement on the couch to mean that you weren't wanted and that our actions were a deliberate act to cause you harm.

You chose to sit on the love seat and wait for me to respond. There was nothing wrong with taking that approach. However, taking action by admonishing me when I failed to notice the situation was not okay. But that's not the point of covering this yet again. The point is, in that moment of returning to the living room you were presented with two choices, one was to not feel like people were intentionally hurting you and the other was to think they were intentionally hurting you. The first falling squarely into positive thinking and the later adopting "poor me" (negative) thinking.

To further support this, take into account that on multiple occasions my behavior and Bond's has been to make room for you and welcome you to sit with us. You have strong historical behavior supporting that your presence is welcomed and sought out, but you still chose to feel hurt - and in fact that historical data made your hurt deeper. [side note: Golden stated this in an earlier discussion, but used it to highlight why this was so hurtful.]

What I'd like to see is that you remind yourself that it is not my intent to hurt you. That my actions do not spring from a well of bad intentions, but that the opposite is true; I am full of goodwill for you. I want you to be happy and I want to do things that bring you happiness.

What I feel doesn't work well with me is trying to catalog all of my reactions to various situations. That seems impossible, in my opinion. I suppose that if ever the same exact scenario presents itself again, then maybe you'll have a canned way to handle me. Personally, I believe it's best to take each interaction as it comes, allowing for variables outside of your thinking. I chafe at the thought of being cataloged. If you decide to catalog me, then it's probably best for both of us if I'm unaware. LOL. The very idea makes me bristle. I feel like it steals my right to adjust and grow as I experience life. If there is one thing that has remained true throughout my lifetime it is that I am ever changing and growing,( or as I like to think of it, the one thing that has remained static is that I am not static.) I too strive to improve and become a better person. I don't know if you've thought about my history in this way, but like you, I've accomplished things against the odds. I admit that I created many of the barriers in my life, but once entrenched in that life I worked to pull myself and my kids out of a life of poverty. I've adopted new ways of interpreting the world. I've cast aside the religious dogma I was raised on. And so on. It's what we do. :)

It just occurred to me that visiting our Briggs Myers personality types may shed some light on who we are. Here is mine: http://www.16personalities.com/entp-strengths-and-weaknesses

What is your personality type? I think you said INTJ. Here are the strengths and weaknesses for INTJ's: http://www.16personalities.com/intj-strengths-and-weaknesses

Things on my end that I'm working on:
*Adopting thinking that if an interaction between the two of us (I am also expanding this to use with others as well) doesn't make sense, that I need to stop my reaction and ask for clarity.
*Adopting thinking to safely deal with you in a hyper-focused state. I need to spend some time thinking about this so that I'm ready to respond appropriately when the time comes.
*Addressing (internally) why I've exited tough situations rather than approaching them head-on.
*Not using passive language.
*Setting boundaries that work for me.
*Try to be more sensitive when emotions don't follow logic​

He invited me to crash his class tonight, because they are meeting at a restaurant/bar instead of on campus. (I believe he extended the invitation before having an opportunity to read my email, although he did know I was writing him one.) I'd get there around 6 PM and it runs from 4:30-7:00. I am worried it will be disruptive for me to come in at that point. Plus, tonight is my only chance to mop floors before our entertaining events Friday and Saturday. Decisions, decisions.

I hope that he received my email well and that he gets off this other tract of thinking.
 
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Reply from Golden:

Quick respond:

"If I am hearing you correctly, you believe that my perception is that your propensity to find the positive in a negative situation is in itself negative. "

1. That is not what I mean. What I am referring to is how I *express* this trait, not change it at in a fundamental way. :)
Essentially I see the ratio between "washing the dishes" and "polishing the silverware", as perceived by you, inversely proportional (i.e. Too much bad, not enough good). I think this pov accurately portraits how I communicate, which is to say how others perceive me.


2. I really don't get your "Golden's self-pity mental state". I really don't feel this way and very rarely do. I do feel sad and can dwell on those feelings, but I don't pity myself at all, because when I hear pity, I imagine a person whom feels powerless and I don't feel that way at all, quite the opposite actually!

With your examples, I can essentially following your logic and while it makes sense (aka from what I understand is your pov), there are key points I disagree with.

"In my opinion you had two options, positive and negative, in which you could interpret and react to the situation."
Yes, this is your opinion. My opinion is different. I don't see the situation as being binary, which leads to me next point....

*** "...you still chose to feel hurt..."***
This is a moment where I feel the need to be crystal clear, the above statement is a TRIGGER for me.

I don't know what meaning you attach to this concept, I will assume (like I usually do) that you have good intentions. I will go further and assume that your meaning for , "a person chooses how to feel" means nothing like it does for me.

In short, I used to believe in this concept and I have worked extremely hard to completely rewrite its meaning, from something I consider horribly toxic to something very different. The for me problem is this...

The above statement triggers the toxic concept for me and I can not handle it's use. I feel so strongly that I NEVER want to hear it again.

With that said, this concept keeps coming up and it seems important to you. I can't explain just how stressed I am at the mere idea of this coming up, in any form, over and over again. However, I want to deal with this sooner than later and not let this linger and take root in other ways.

My greatest fear (this is me being vulnerable) is that you and I different on the meaning of this concept that leads us to be fundamentally incompatible... Again, this is a feeling and not logic.

My point is this, although I really do not want to engage in this topic I will, because I love you. Also my ultimate fear is far worst if left unaddressed.

With all of that said I have a very important request, which is, for my sake, please revisit what your meaning is for, "you still chose to feel hurt.."

AND Rewrite what you mean using "I" statements instead. Right now what I am reacting to is the idea of you telling me what to do and that what you want me to do is go back to my old way of thinking, which I will *never* do again.

To be clear, you have done NOTHING wrong. I am conveying my need to hear you, but request you state it in a way that will not be so traumatic for me.

Again I have no doubt you mean well and while you might still be thinking I am "choosing" to feel hurt... I can't disagree with the underlining assumption that concept has for me.

In short, I do NOT choose to feel one way or another.

My feelings simply exist.

I can choose how I express them. I can even choose actions, which might produce certain feelings, but I never want to "choose" to feel a certain way ever again... I did this ever since my mother died and I vow never to do it again.

I never want to live with the idea of controlling my emotions. Instead what I am learning to do is accept them and have a healthy relationship with them and express them in constructive ways.

In regards to the rest of your email I can't bring myself to comment on it in a meaningful way. After being triggered, which happens to me every time this concept has come up... All I hear in the rest of your email is you telling me how I should think and or feeling.

While logically I highly doubt you would intentionally want to evoke this kind of emotional response in me... Ironically, this leads to my core point... People don't choose to feel, it just happens. I used to think of this concept as disempowering (not controlling emotions), but I don't anymore.

Instead, I feel incredibly empower at letting my emotions exist without trying to control or otherwise influence them.... There are IMO heathy ways to address things affect by emotions.
This is important, so please write your point using *I* statements.

Talk to you later,​
 
My reply:

Rewritten.

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I'm not sure if it's in our best interest to jump into working on us rather than giving things some time to just be and for good feelings to dominate, but I'm going to proceed because I'm worried you're going to try to change something about yourself that is really wonderful that shouldn't be destroyed.
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I think you are identifying something as an issue that isn't the issue. If I am hearing you correctly, you believe that my perception is that your propensity to find the positive in a negative situation is in itself negative. I don't feel that way at all. I think that's an admirable trait.

I'm kind of alarmed that you would attempt to alter your thinking to this degree to fit yourself into a model that would work for me. It's an integral part of who you are. Seeing the silver lining is a wonderful, fantastic attribute, Golden. I love this about you!

My message was received wrong. I believe this was because I was unable to finish my thought when you wanted to address parts of my example. I was attempting to explain via examples that it seems to me that at times you may adopt a self-pity mental state which causes you to see things through a hurtful lens. In my example of the couch, in that moment of returning to the living room you were presented with two ways to interpret the situation; we were intentionally hurting you or we were not intentionally hurting you. The first adopting negative thinking, and the later falling squarely into positive thinking.

To further support this, take into account that on multiple occasions my behavior and Bond's has been to make room for you and welcome you to sit with us. You have strong historical behavior supporting that your presence is welcomed and sought out, but you still felt hurt - and in fact that historical data made your hurt deeper.

It is not my intent to hurt you. My actions do not spring from a well of bad intentions, but the opposite is true; I am full of goodwill for you. I want you to be happy and I want to do things that bring you happiness.

What I feel doesn't work well with me is trying to catalog all of my reactions to various situations. That seems impossible, in my opinion. It's possible that if ever the same exact scenario presents itself again, then maybe you'll have a canned way to handle me. Personally, I believe it's best to take each interaction as it comes, allowing for variables outside of your thinking. I chafe at the thought of being cataloged. If you decide to catalog me, then it's probably best for both of us if I'm unaware. LOL. The very idea makes me bristle. I feel like it steals my right to adjust and grow as I experience life. If there is one thing that has remained true throughout my lifetime it is that I am ever changing and growing,( or as I like to think of it, the one thing that has remained static is that I am not static.) I too strive to improve and become a better person. I don't know if you've thought about my history in this way, but like you, I've accomplished things against the odds. I worked to pull myself and my kids out of a life of poverty. I've adopted new ways of interpreting the world. I've cast aside the religious dogma I was raised on. And so on. :)

It just occurred to me that visiting our Briggs Myers personality types may shed some light on who we are. Here is mine: http://www.16personalities.com/entp-strengths-and-weaknesses

What is your personality type? I think you said INTJ. Here are the strengths and weaknesses for INTJ's: http://www.16personalities.com/intj-strengths-and-weaknesses

Things on my end that I'm working on:
Adopting thinking that if an interaction between the two of us (I am also expanding this to use with others as well) doesn't make sense, that I need to stop my reaction and ask for clarity.
Adopting thinking to safely deal with you in a hyper-focused state. I need to spend some time thinking about this so that I'm ready to respond appropriately when the time comes.
Addressing (internally) why I've exited tough situations rather than approaching them head-on.
Not using passive language.
Setting boundaries that work for me.
Try to be more sensitive when emotions don't follow logic

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I acknowledge that I need to re-frame my thinking of being able to choose feelings/reactions. That is language I use with myself when I am working on myself. I think you're ahead of me in development in this area.

"All I hear in the rest of your email is you telling me how I should think and or feeling." - not my intention. I was trying to complete why I had said it seemed like you were "doom and gloom" at times, because it seemed to me that you were about to change something fundamental and wonderful about you because you thought it would salvage our relationship.

Adding to my viewpoint that you may have slipped into victim mentality was your question, "Was it worth it to you?" in regards to your trip. Again, this is something that we differ on, but it added to my viewpoint nonetheless, and was going to be my second example.

I was not saying that my viewpoint is the absolute truth, I was attempting to complete an explanation.

I too am worried that we have fundamental differences that indicate we are incompatible. I'm really tired of circling issues like we seem to be doing. I think we are hurting each other more than we are making progress. What are your thoughts and feelings?​
 
I stayed at work until 7 PM and wrote the email above. I made a call to my mother on my drive home from work, swung into McDonald's for a poor food choice, and got home close to 7:30 pm. Golden and his son were playing a video game and I wasn't feeling very social so I retreated to my bedroom.

I was feeling like our relationship was all but officially over. I was emotionally checking out, because it was so exhausting. It didn't seem to matter how carefully I thought I was responding or explaining things, I was still blundering and we were still circling around the same issues and not reaching closure.

About 30 minutes later Golden knocked and asked if he could come in. He wanted to talk about the emails. I did not want to talk. Titania was due to arrive in 30-40 minutes. I was so exhausted. I didn't think I could keep track of his twisting and doubling back style of discussion and to what avail? Just to get partway into a discussion that would probably have us both keyed up and unhappy and then have to be put on hold until we could complete it? No thanks.

He asked if he could share one thing and then that lead into a fuller discussion.

Golden does a lot of "What I'm hearing is," or "Sounds like you are saying," and it's amazing how effective that is, because there are times when I'm like, "Whoa, that's not the point at all."

I think the single most valuable thing I learned last night was that he was able to identify and share what the emotional impact he experienced the night when the couch incident happened. It all relates back to when he was 15 and his mother died. He said that no one, not any of his relatives, none of his teachers, no one suggested he go to counseling - not even the school counselor. He said in that moment when he was standing beside the couch and I was oblivious to the fact that he had returned to the room and there wasn't a spot next to me for him to sit, that he had felt like his 15 year old self who was hurting, but no one could see that he was feeling abandoned and alone. He hadn't been able to identify these emotions until yesterday when we went through all this email volleying.

Well, now that really changes how I react emotionally when I think of the couch incident. Game changer.

He said this was the same emotion he felt when I switched bedrooms the night I was too cold to sleep. This is really helpful information. I can work with this. It creates empathy and compassion in me for him and I can understand where he was at and why he reacted as he did.

He also apologized for putting the blame on me which was much appreciated.

Bond had a date with Bea; they did the Polycocktails/Sex Geekdom meetup and then returned to the house. He had told me that she had to be home by 10 PM because of the babysitter, but that time came and went and they were still downtown, and then they hung out at the house for quite a long time once they arrived. I kept myself to the bedroom, for their sake and also my own. My neck was killing me, but I didn't want to walk through the living room to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Overall, I felt very uncomfortable physically and emotionally over Bond entertaining Bea in the living room. I felt like I was self-imposing myself in a trap of having to stay in the bedroom. Just lots of ick. I need to get okay with this stuff, because it's going to be my life. I thought I was doing well with the Bond and Bea thing, but I think with all of the Golden stress and the pain I am experiencing with my neck that I'm just not my best self at the moment.

I sent Bond a good night text at 11:30 and he asked if I wanted a hug. Aww. So, he came in and hugged me - and about broke me by tipping my head back. Damn neck.

I contemplated sending him another text asking him to get me an ice pack, but I really didn't want to do that. I don't want to be the person who intrudes on others time.

Around midnight Golden sent me a text asking me how I was doing. I told him my neck was killing me and basically it was a sucky night. Long story short, he ended up retrieving an ice pack for me, so at midnight I started icing my neck.

Shortly after that Bea went home and Bond came to bed. He said he figured out that Golden had brought me an ice pack and told me that he'd have done that for me. I'm really blessed to have two loving and caring men.

This morning, Bond explained that Bea's husband ArtCarGuy took the babysitter home when he got done with work and that Bea said she could stay as late as he wanted her to or spend the night. Ah...........we really, really need to get the guest room done and I need to get okay with this.

The exciting thing that happened this morning as I was in rush-mode to get ready and out the door to the chiropractor by 8:15 was that my middle son, Josh, called me to say he found out last night that he has the next four days off of work. Woot! He's coming home for Thanksgiving! And the granddog.

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He's been so homesick and lonely that this is a real blessing for him to get to come home. He has needed this so badly.
 
Monster buck shot by Taylor this weekend. It's too bad that half of the rack on one side is broken off.

His second "Buck of a Lifetime."

The big monster buck.
He also got an 8 pointer that would make most any hunter proud.
 
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Feeling overwhelmed a bit. The next three days are going to be a lot of work. Hopefully they'll also be enjoyable.

I need to go to the grocery store tonight to purchase ingredients for the appetizers I'm bringing to my niece's for Thanksgiving. I just completed a grocery list for Golden to hand off to Bond for our feast on Friday with Golden's family and a host of others that have accepted his invitation. The count now ranges between 29 and low 30's. The list was made before I knew the count had climbed so high.

Tomorrow morning I'll have to make my appetizers and get on the road around 9:30-10:00 am so I can get there before noon. When I get home I'll need to get the turkey in the brine and possibly make a couple of pies and whatever other dishes I can do ahead of time, like the maple-honey cranberry sauce. The stuffing can go in the crock pot in the morning.

Friday morning I can put together the spicy black bean and avocado canapes. I hope to time it so that the baked brie is coming out of the oven shortly before Golden's aunt's turkey is being put in. Having one small oven is problematic. I have a Nesco roaster, but that will be tied up with the turkey we are making.

As I am writing this I see that Golden posted on the event page that we are hoping people will contribute to the meal and asking them what they are bringing. Yay! That helps reduce my stress. Plus....yummy things! :D Maybe I can skip those pies!

We'll be rolling right from this into our party Saturday night. I'm not going to get too wrapped up in what needs to be shopped for and cooked for the party until Saturday morning.

I'm crossing my fingers that my son, Josh, won't be staying at the house Saturday night. He has a lot of friends and family to fit into three days, so it's highly likely he'll be gone. I don't think he or I would be comfortable with him at the party.
 
We hosted, they ate, they drank, they played!

Oh, my! I've had a jam packed holiday weekend. It included some family stress, but mostly good times with family and friends. It was a ton of work.

Wednesday late afternoon my daughter was picked up on a warrant for her arrest for back child support. It was rather heartbreaking that they chose to pick her up the day before a holiday - and the first holiday that she was tackling cooking a turkey and having some of her boyfriend's family over for. She spent the long weekend waiting to be processed and it looks like she's getting six months with work release. I am going to try to make a deal with them, so that she can be released. I wish I had $4,400 to wipe the slate clean, but I don't. Hopefully they'll be wiling to accept monthly payments on the arrears made by me. Bond offered me a loan, but I really, really don't want to do that. My daughter offered up the car she is supposed to be buying from me, but then she would be without transportation and that's problematic with finding employment. I contacted Twitch, because our finances are still co-mingled and he suggested the payment option. I hope the courts go for it. We are attaching strings to our generosity; she'll have to enroll in college - preferably technical college so she can complete it in 24 months or less, and she'll have to work part-time. We will make monthly payments towards the arrears for 12 months and if she is enrolled and passing and working part-time, then we'll continue for another 12 months. Hopefully she'll apply herself. We really need for her to become financially independent because it's ruining our financial stability, and we want that freedom for her, too. It would change her life so much and we really want that for her.

Thursday I went to my niece's and all the women worked their butts off getting the meal served. My sister said it's her last year of celebrating Thanksgiving, because it's no fun when it's so much work. She also pointed out that if you're a man in our family, then the holidays are great, because you aren't responsible for anything. I think it's time for a family meeting/discussion to address this. I think we also need to simplify how we do holidays. We cook lots of fabulous food, but it's so much work and often we are shuffling things in and out of the oven because there is so much demand for that space. Time for changes. Time to rethink the way we've always done things.

It was so nice to return home after all that busyness. The guys were so sweet with hugs and kisses when I got home. We got the turkey in the brine and set it inside the garage so that it would remain cool enough overnight, and then I cleaned up the kitchen and relaxed the rest of the night.

Because the meal was planned for late afternoon/early evening everything was at a fairly relaxed pace. Turkey into the roaster by 10:30, brie into the oven by noon, Golden's aunt's turkey into the oven by 12:30 pm. Holiday punch made, appetizers assembled and out, etc. Golden picked up our friend, Ruby, in the morning and she helped with a lot of the prep. She loves being of service, so it was really nice to have her there.

Mid-afternoon the punch was depleted, so I ran to the store. I was halfway there when I got a text from Bond saying I had gone without him. :( Oops. I hadn't realized he had thought he was accompanying me. I turned around and went back for him. Introverts need to escape sometimes! We had fun being escapees. When we returned Ruby had taken it upon herself to pull out the china, set the tables, and marshaled the relatives into getting things on the table. I jumped in and started carving turkeys and she made about a gallon of gravy. We have tons of gravy! LOL

It was kind of crazy, but it was fun and Golden's family loved the house. Golden, myself, and Bond were totally worn out and they were going strong. They played games until 11:00 pm before dispersing. I thought Son #3 was going to crash on the couch before I could get him to bed. The upside was that the kids slept late - something they never do, and I didn't wake up until 9:30! I don't think I'd have even woke up then if Bond hadn't started giving me a massage. BTW, that was fantastic! He rubbed out all the sore spots from laying in bed, like were my ribs and hip are sore from lying on my side. Delicious way to wake up. I highly recommend it!

The plan had been, I thought, to deliver Bond's kids to their mother's Saturday morning. I think he finally left with them at 2:30 pm. Zoiks!
We started getting messages from people that they couldn't find the Facebook event and that was a time sucker. Golden started working on that issue and Bond got pulled into it some, too. They finally determined that anyone who had responded as a "Maybe" could no longer find the event. It took some doing to fix that little snag.

I can't remember what all the men helped me with to get ready for the party, but it wasn't all that much. Yeah...there may have been some annoyance on my side over that. Golden decided that in case we had guests that wanted/needed to stay over that the kids' beds needed to be stripped and their bedding laundered, but then he only completed part of the task and left the sheets next to the washer and not in it. Sigh. When I was mopping the floors I realized he had piled their comforters in the hallway. As if we had time to wash and dry multiple large comforters! Comforters that had been laundered a couple of weeks ago and used a handful of times since. Um, no. Not enough time, not that necessary. In the end, only Ruby spent the night and she shared Golden's bed, so all that laundry wasn't necessary. Plus, Golden never remade the beds. Oiy vey!

The party was potluck and BYOB. OMG, the amount of food we had was crazy! I made four packages of wings, which was ridiculous, but Golden didn't think two packages would be enough. The up side of that is that there were wings left over and the kids loved them. :)

Rob, with Ruby's help, created a fantastic Karma Fruitopia for B's birthday.
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I didn't take an official guest count, but I'm guessing there were around 40 people at the party. We had groups playing games like Exploding Kittens and cribbage, and Apples to Hookers, and people grappling (BJJ) and some giving massages, some impact play, and there was a decorative cutting that also happened - not sure what the right terminology for that is.

I wore a black tutu with a lace top and blue platform shoes, per Bond's request (the shoes.) The outfit was a hit. The hardest part of wearing a tutu was when I was taking things in and out of the oven. Bond was frightened that I may light myself on fire, so he alternated between pushing the tulle down to taking over the process himself. :)
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The last guests left at 4:00 AM. I was hoping I'd be able to drop into a coma, but no. I had trouble sleeping which was a bummer. We did sleep late and Bond was still high - incredibly hilarious all day. He and I went shopping for a sofa sleeper before Beatdown started at 2:00 PM.

Bond high is so funny. Taking Bond furniture shopping when high is a ton of fun. Oh, boy! I don't think others would have been able to note that he was high, but I knew and I could see where his behavior differed from his norm. :) He was still high when I said goodnight to him and went downstairs to Golden's room.

So, the house is back in order other than a few things like the massage table needs to be taken down and the kids' beds need to be made. The floors looks great! I am so glad that I found the time to mop them on Saturday and took the time to do touch-ups on Sunday. It's something I've wanted to do since I started spending time there, but hadn't gotten to. What a difference clean floors make! I didn't think the guys would notice, but Bond commented on how nice it was, so yeah, it's noticeable. :)

I realized Friday night as I was playing hostess to Golden's family Thanksgiving that I really felt like it was my home. That was a nice transition. All three of my kids have visited now and that also helps me feel settled and established. I can't wait to put the Christmas tree up now. Hell, yeah, this is my family and my home!
 
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Your holidays sound lovely! (And exhausting, lol.) I'm glad you feel at home now....it certainly sounds like an awesome place to be!
 
PinkPig said:
Your holidays sound lovely! (And exhausting, lol.) I'm glad you feel at home now....it certainly sounds like an awesome place to be!
Click to expand...

Thanks, PinkPig. :)
 
Date night with Bond, B, and Rob last night - and another friend, Donna. OMG, fun! I fucking love my friends, and I'm totally over the moon over Bond.

I'm tired today, but thankfully this morning was easy because I attended an IT conference. My biggest challenge was to stay alert. LOL. It was nice to have two partial days attending the conference, although taking the time away from work wasn't good timing right now. Oh, well. Monday will arrive and we'll have done what is done and we'll scramble to get the rest of it ready by the next Monday when things go live for reals.

Things have been fairly good with Golden this week. He was sick for most of the week and I pretty much kept my distance, literally, to try to limit exposure to his virus. I cannot afford to get sick in the next two weeks. There is too much happening at work right now and I'd be totally screwed if I got sick. He started feeling better yesterday and we're having a date night tonight, so I'm crossing my fingers that he's past the contagious stage.

A couple of odd exchanges between the two of us: The first took place on Saturday, the day before our party. Golden and I were folding laundry and I said something about something going in my bedroom. He asked for clarification about that. It seems he didn't realize that Bond's bedroom was also my bedroom. He said he hadn't realized this. That he didn't know I considered my bedroom to be the master bedroom. I said that I felt pretty solid in saying that, because Bond had told Thad that the master bedroom was my bedroom when he was asking about the details of our living arrangement on Thanksgiving. (Side note: I don't know if anyone remembers Thad from three years ago when I started this blog. Thad and I dated for 8 months. He is a mutual friend of all three of ours, but more so with Golden than Bond.)

This really took me by surprise. How can this not be clear to him? It's not like we haven't discussed things.

Taken from an email exchange this week:
Golden: Know it can be hard on me to be living with the both of you, it is impossible for me not to feel like an outsider at times. This has changed, because things have changed. It is hard to explain, but please trust me and validate my feelings.

For instance changes like, instead of your space being split between Bond and I, your space is his space.

This is a significant emotional shift. It is not the only example. It feels to me there have been many little changes that signify that your relationship with Bond is the default. Again this is hard to explain and this is the closest I can describe how things feel to me.

To be clear, what I feel does not seem like jealousy. What I feel is our relationship has weaken and I don't know why.

To put it simply our relationship feels like an add on. The good news is things ARE getting better. I suspect it will just take time for our relationship to find it's new equilibrium or norm. :)

...I don't envy your position in this V configuration. :-/​

Again, I don't understand how he cannot understand that as my primary Bond is the default. I moved in with Bond. Golden also happens to live there, which is super nice, but it's not a factor in my moving into Bond's house. Somewhere along the way it seems that to Golden I was moving in with both of them and I was going to float between the two of them - kind of in a transitory state. I also think there is an equality element. I don't know if he has been able to identify this yet, but it seems to me that he's struggling with wanting the relationship I have with him to be equal to the relationship I have with Bond. I feel that he's getting hurt because I don't classify both of them as primaries.

It occurs to me now as I write this that maybe he's having a hard time with this because although he's living there, it's not a lifetime thing. He'll probably be there for a couple of more years until he gets his PhD, but then he'll leave, whereas I am putting down roots and making this home my own.

I really don't feel like he's an add-on. I'm not quite certain I know what he means by that. Does he mean that he's a perk that comes with living there? Or an after thought? Gak, I hate that he may feel like that.

But, like I said, things seem to be improving between us. Wednesday evening he sent me this text:

When you come home, whenever that is, I'd like to spend time with you, I miss you.

We don't have to touch or even sit by each other.

I don't want to talk about 'us'.

I just want to be around you, because I love you.

This is not a demand or a request. I don't expect or assume you will say yes.

I hope you say yes.

If you don't say yes that is ok...I *know* it is ok.

I don't want to be around you to prove, or not prove, something...I just want to be by you.​

So sweet! <3

I loved that message and I felt bad that he felt he had to be so clear in his intentions. I have missed not having contact with him. When I got home I gave him a big, long hug (and I may have grabbed his butt.) We both needed that. :)

Bond, Golden and I were congregated in the kitchen after dinner deep in conversation about Black Lives Matter, white privilege, and social justice issues (conversation brought about because of another prejudiced post by M on Facebook) when Thad arrived to pick up his son's hat that was left on Thanksgiving. Thad's work revolves around social justice for underprivileged people. It was pretty funny to see how delighted he was when he learned the topic of discussion. It was like he heard a heavenly choir sing. He already acts like we're his heroes for living in a poly household and this kind elevated it to utopia for him. I think he'd be disappointed to learn that we aren't into such heavy discussions most nights...although, it is a fairly common topic seeing that Golden's work has just released a video game to teach university professors to feel empathy for their students and to adopt their perspective.

After Thad left we started watching TV. Golden sat on the couch and I sat across from him with Bond on the love seat. We took a break from the show to walk with Z and then resumed watching the show when we got back. I walked with Golden, arm in arm, and it was nice to have that time. It really felt good having a shared evening with my two guys.

My daughter is still in jail. I am going to see her Sunday morning. I need to buy her non-slip shoes because she starts a job on Monday making frozen pizzas. Oh, and get this, she can have stamped envelops, paper, stationary, and books, but you have to mail them to the jail and you cannot bring them there directly. WTF?

Being in jail is so expensive! Seems ironic seeing as she's in jail because she has no money. She called me last night for maybe 10 or so minutes and it cost $25. I need to put more money on her account so she can buy toiletries and make calls. Getting out on work release also costs money.
 
Petunia said:
Again, I don't understand how he cannot understand that as my primary Bond is the default. I moved in with Bond. Golden also happens to live there, which is super nice, but it's not a factor in my moving into Bond's house. Somewhere along the way it seems that to Golden I was moving in with both of them and I was going to float between the two of them - kind of in a transitory state. I also think there is an equality element. I don't know if he has been able to identify this yet, but it seems to me that he's struggling with wanting the relationship I have with him to be equal to the relationship I have with Bond. I feel that he's getting hurt because I don't classify both of them as primaries.

It occurs to me now as I write this that maybe he's having a hard time with this because although he's living there, it's not a lifetime thing. He'll probably be there for a couple of more years until he gets his PhD, but then he'll leave, whereas I am putting down roots and making this home my own.

I really don't feel like he's an add-on. I'm not quite certain I know what he means by that. Does he mean that he's a perk that comes with living there? Or an after thought? Gak, I hate that he may feel like that.
Click to expand...
All of the above that I quoted seems to me to be very reasonable and direct things to say to Golden. Have you ever said all of that point-blank (but with compassion) to him?
 
nycindie said:
All of the above that I quoted seems to me to be very reasonable and direct things to say to Golden. Have you ever said all of that point-blank (but with compassion) to him?
Click to expand...

I thought I had. We've had many discussions on all of this, but somehow he wasn't hearing the same message, or it got lost with time. I agree, more discussion needs to happen.
 
Let's see what should I bring up to date...

My daughter is getting out of jail to work. She wrote to the judge and her public defender to ask for a hearing to see if she can be released. Bond offered to let her live with us until she can get on her feet. I would rather pay her rent than have her living with us, but it's more than generous of him to offer that. I guess it would work for a temporary thing until we could get her set up someplace. I love her, but man, living with a heavy smoker like her isn't my favorite thing to do. Her jacket reeks of smoke and so do her clothes which makes the entire environment smell. Ish.

Today I told her that she could stay with us if push came to shove and she was ecstatic. She then posted this on Facebook (she has access to her phone when she's on her way to work):

Big shout out to my wonderful beautiful mother [Petunia]!!! I love you and wouldn't survive especially the last few years with out your love and support! You are amazing and I thank all that is good for you everyday. Thank you for all that you do and all that you are! <3 <3 <3​

At the opposite end of the spectrum, right before that I got a text from Golden:

Hey you...
Whatcha doing Saturday night? Want to do something together?
​

Me: Hiya! Oh, that would have been fun. I'm going to a party with Bond.​

Golden: That's not on the calendar, right?

Me: No, it's not because it's a Facebook event that Bond was invited to. I can't see it either.

Golden: I don't know when this event became a thing, but I have a favor to ask, please keep your calendar up to date.

Me: As a general rule I try to. I have a favor to ask, sometimes swallow your irritations. Busy fucking week.

Golden: Ok​

I probably shouldn't have gotten so mad, but he's so nit picky and he knows that this week and the next one are weeks that I've been dreading for a year, because my work load is so intense with a new roll out we're gearing up for.
 
Wow, was Golden hella mad at me! He sent Bond a text saying I was disrespectful and a whole lot of other things. Bond said that on his phone it went on for many, many inches and there were many paragraphs of text.

We all, Rob, Bond, and me, one by one crashed B's girl time with her friend, Sami. I was coming from Girls' Night with my friend, Michelle, and Bond was coming from home after having fed and walked the kid (just like having a dog) and Rob came from his company holiday party. When Bond arrived I had my cell phone out trying to explain to B and Rob where my day went off the rails.
He read the exchange and he was shocked at how short my reply to Golden had been. After having read his emotional regurgitation he thought I had totally opened up on him and ripped him a new one.

What I do regret is that my word choice could have been better. I meant, "Please, don't spew your irritations at me without giving them some time to settle. I just can't handle the stress right now." What I wrote could be interpreted as me telling him to swallow his emotions, which was not at all what I meant. I was asking him to change his actions towards me, he took it as me telling him how to feel.

I can't finish this post right now, but I'll return to this when I get a chance.
 
The next day Golden and I exchanged some texts about how my work day was going. He seemed a bit incredulous and also vexed when I told him that I was working on my own personal finances, then into his peeve at B over something so minor that she posted on one of his FB posts that it's pretty ridiculous that he's bent about it, and then into his overnight date with DNR_Grl.

G: What?! I thought you were super stressed about work?

I think I have all the reports ready. Just dealing with a personal stress even though I shouldn't be doing it now.

I still have one issue I need to fix so I'll have to busy it this afternoon.

Wait, your done with your massively stressful work deadlines?!?!?

Partially.

So, when is your big work stress over?

Can only do so much this week. It goes live on Monday and then a bunch of other things will need to happen. Plus four report releases.

[ducky icon] to your work!
My day...very ducky so far.

Are duckies good?

Nope [ducky icon] = shitty
Remember? ;)

Ah, when auto-correct changed sucky to ducky?
Sorry your day is ducky.

Exactly!
No biggie.
I am just getting over B's bullshit opinion on my FB status update yesterday.

I didn't read it.

Good, because I don't want to talk about it.

OK.

FYI, I am going to DNR_Girl's tonight and coming back tomorrow morning.

I talked to [son] and Bond and they are cool.

Although I forgot to mention to Bond that I will be spending the night.

[Son] has agreed to put himself to bed by 9:30 or later, if the boys go to bed later.

That's pretty nice for you. I'm glad you get to do this.
:)

Are you cool with this?

Yep. I think it'll be good for you and good for DNR_Grl. Brings out all the compersion feels. <3

Thanks!
We are going to spend the night at the cabin tonight. We did this last year around this time.
RE: your stress level.

So how stressed are you atm?

Not to bad. My neck doesn't feel like it's about to break. I take that as a good sign.
*too

Yay!
Ok, thanks for sharing. [kissy face]​

Later I opened up conversation again to tell him that Bond and I had talked about what I was going to contribute to the household finances. I had mixed feelings about telling him, but he has been asking, so I felt that now that a discussion had happened I would inform him so he'd be in the know. For now, until I pay down my debt, I will be responsible for groceries...and that's a fairly substantial amount for such a large household. Later in the day I felt up to addressing the calendar issue.
 
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The Calendaring Issue

Opening up discussion about calendaring....

Bond pointed out to me that our last two nights, or rather Friday and Sunday, weren't on the calendar. Although when I went to add them I see one for Sunday night. (The 6th)

Sorry if I've been lax on that. Feel free to add calendar entries for us when I forget.

BTW, Your date with DNR_Grl isn't on there.

I have to go record a podcast. Later gator.
​
Ok.
Petunia, what was your intent with the last message?

1) to point out that I was wrong to think that most things get an entry in the calendar
2) I need to do a better job of getting things in the calendar
3) open it up to you adding things to the calendar when you realize I've dropped the ball
4) point out the fact that even you sometimes forget or skip putting things in the calendar

It was not sent in an antagonistic manner.

I acknowledge that your message was not antagonistic. I did not doubt it and thanks for clarifying.

Know just as your message was not antagonistic, neither is the following.

1) ok, good to know.
2) I am only asking you to put your dates on the calendar that are relevant to me.

If Bond doesn't care about how accurate your calendar is, why do that work?

I brought up your calendar as it relates to scheduling time with you. In the aftermath of this I now realize there is a deeper emotional need, which we can talk about later, it can wait.
3) Good idea!

Although on second thought, why do this? If I know that we have a date I don't need it on the calendar. Is this something important to you? To Bond?

For instance, I don't have DNR_Grl on my calendar, but you and Bond already know. So why does it matter to you?

4) What is the value of pointing out this out to me? If this is an issue for you I will address it. Otherwise, what does it matter if my calendar could be more accurate?

To my knowledge my calendar accuracy is not an issue for you. Is my calendar accuracy an issue for you?

I think Bond would like to see things on the calendar. Sometimes I think I've told him, but he is surprised when it happens so he either didn't hear me or I forgot to tell him.

As far as the Saturday event goes I had wanted him to put it on my calendar, but the way he repeated it back to me made me feel foolish so I told him he didn't need to. I forgot that you would also like to see it there.
I was thinking, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." However if your yardstick is that you need that info because you weren't told then that's different. Although, when you inquired I told you.

Ok, if that is his desire then I'd like him to tell me directly and avoid a potential habit of talking through you. :)

On the surface it sounds like Bond issue is not with my calendar, but this is relationship issue between the both of you, correct?

Do you want my help with as it relates to Bond's request?

If my calendar accuracy is an issue for you, then your calendar accuracy is going to be an issue for me. If you aren't tolerant that sometimes things will get skipped for one reason or another, then that attitude will spread to me too.

What? Bond doesn't factor into this other than yes sometimes he doesn't know until the last minute because I didn't put it on the calendar.
I think you read something wrong. Or I expressed it wrong.
I'm saying I need to be more vigilant about calendaring. That's all. Bond has not complained.

"...I forgot that you would also like to see it there. "

I forgive you. Mistakes happen. :)

What I have learned is that I would like your calendar to reflect these kinds of this more.

Another way to address the issue for me, is for us to desire on our dates before the week starts. This way would be just as good, if not better.
Did your phone change some words in the last paragraph?
I think we need to address being tolerant. I am feeling that it's lacking. This may be a discussion that is better in person.

"....If you aren't tolerant that sometimes things will get skipped for one reason or another, then that attitude will spread to me too."

It sounds to me you are assuming I am intolerant and acting as if it is true before confirming it is.

I am also hearing that if an issue is true for me, but not for you, you will change so that whatever I bring up has a additional price to it. (Aka it has to be true for both of us, even if it is really an issue for me) Is this accurate?
If Bond hasn't complained that I am not inclined to address a nonissue.
I do not intentionally plan to be intolerant, but when I feel you're acting that way, yes, it has a ripple effect.

I think we should definitely talk about tolerance. Face to face sounds like a good idea.
I trust you when you say you are not intentionally being intolerant.
What "way" am I acting?

I think we should have this discussion in person. I don't want us to make things worse by doing this via text. Plus I need to start editing audio.

Ok​
 
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"I am only asking you to put your dates on the calendar that are relevant to me." - which basically means I need everything in my calendar if he can't tolerate getting a "no" when I may have plans that aren't on the calendar.

I want to tell him to go fuck himself when I read, "I forgive you. Mistakes happen." Please! Did I ask for forgiveness?

"It sounds to me you are assuming I am intolerant and acting as if it is true before confirming it is." Um, yes, you were intolerant. I didn't have something down on my calendar. You had an issue with it. We are discussing it here.

We didn't really talk until Sunday night. We were friendly with one another over the weekend, but there was a lot of distance between us. Sunday night we went down to his bedroom to talk. I felt like we were going in circles. Every discussion with Golden feels like a dog chasing its tail. We keep circling back and never making progress. Finally I was so tired I just got up and said that I couldn't do this any more and I was going up stairs because I couldn't think straight. I brushed my teeth and then went back down to tell Golden that I was done. I wanted out of the relationship. I had to wait in the hallway until he came out of the bathroom. We went into his room so Beanie wouldn't overhear us. I told him that I was done, it was just too hard and I felt that we were caught in a tide that was dragging us down. I asked if we could be friends. We stood in his bedroom holding onto one another. I started crying and he held me tightly to himself. We decided we'd would keep our dates on the calendar for this week, Monday night and Thursday night (tonight.)

Monday Golden sent me a text saying that he felt optimistic and that he thought he was onto something that would save us.

Monday night was a sleepy time date. All three of us went to Polycocktails, but separately. Golden was meeting a potential love interest for dinner and then going, I was coming from work, and Bond was going, but was possibly meeting up with M later. Golden was the first to leave. He wanted to get home to check on Beanie. I left a bit after 9 PM, and I think Bond left an hour later. Bond spent 90% of his time talking to Bea. It barely caused me a niggle. They have very little time together and I thought it was nice for him.

Later that night Golden and I spent our time talking and then went to sleep without having sex. He also didn't share what he thought he was onto. I have a feeling that his new approach is to tell me nice things, lots of nice things. It feels kind of funny, but it's also a relief.

Tonight we are going to see Star Wars. A month ago I bought four tickets. Golden and me, Bond and Z are all going. It's the 9:30 PM showing. Z doesn't have school tomorrow, so it's not a big deal that we won't get home until nearly midnight.

Other big ass news today: my daughter got out of jail. :) I paid $1,000 on her child support. I thought her arrears was higher than what it was, so now she only has $550 to catch up. So.......she will be staying with us until we can find her an apartment. We are going to try to find something within the school district that her son goes to school. Once she has an established home and has held her job steadily for a while, she is going to petition the court to get 50/50 placement. This would be so good for my grandson (he's a momma's boy) and so good for her. She doesn't function well without him. And it'll end the need to pay child support. I found an ad for a roommate on craigslist that sounds really good. I hope that it's still available.
 
Today is Twitch's birthday. 44. I sent him an email on Wednesday. He replied last night. I saw it right before we went into the theater.

Me
I miss you. I'm having a hard time with your birthday coming up. I am mailing you a card, but your gift is being mailed directly. I hope that you are doing well.

Last week I revisited emails sent between us during that last year and a half, and emails I saved as drafts that I never sent you. With time and distance I see how hard it had to have been to be you during that time. I was hurting and putting a lot of pressure on you. I was so in love with you, probably too much. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.

Hello
​

Twitch
I have not looked at my mail for a couple days so I. Didn't see your message. I miss you very much and think about you all the time. There was no need to get me anything. I don't think you were to [sic] in love with me, I just didn't realize how in love with you i was until i Lost you.

Say hi to your mom and dad and wish them a merry Christmas. Say hi to tay. I hope the semester went good. I will talk with you latar [sic] and you will never have anything to be sorry for with me.​

I haven't mailed his card yet. It's still sitting on my desk. It took me a long time to settle on a card. We don't fit into the normal range of birthday greetings, so in the end I picked one that was bright and colorful and kind of whimsical that says, "Birthday Wishes" on the cover, with "Hoping your birthday brings you many happy reasons to celebrate!" written inside. I'm smiling right now remembering that he was nearly 30 before he realized his birthday was exactly one week before Christmas and two weeks before New Years Day. And by "figured it out" I mean I told him.
 
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