I find myself at the same place again!

T

timeloardess

New member
Time has flown by and I forgot that I had signed up to this forum. I wish I would have gotten back to it as this year has been a roller coaster. The only thread I posted was about a situation of being in a relationship with someone who was poly too, long story short me and that individual were way head over heels about each other but DH was not impressed with his personality or behavior, and asked me not to continue a relationship with him so I stopped and that hurt the other SO a lot and me too. It took about 6 months to be able to consider opening up myself to another relationship.

Meanwhile as we move forward (Me and DH). We both have been on dates, and DH has had some FWB. However, I see our perception of being poly is clearly different. My ideal is living a polyandry lifestyle, as I always talked to him about and him being able to be around my OSO is important. His is more causal, friend but he will never introduce his SO/GF to me or our home. Which is great we clearly know ourselves, however I am in a similar situation as last year.

DH had one rule and that was not to get involved with anyone he already knows. Well out of literally 100s of potential OSO I have connected with someone who he knows :( I didn't make the connection until our first date last night, which was one of the best times I have had with anyone in a long time. Come to find out they worked at the same location and my DH was his supervisor.

So today when I told DH about my date and the connection he was clear that he is not an option to purse any relationship with. A matter of fact he asked me why do I fall for the ones I can't have? I understand that he wants to keep his personal life private but I am not sure why he is under the impression he would go and say something to someone else, as he is a private person too.

I have bonded with this OSO that I can't be in a relationship with (it has been over a month since we have known each other, texting and calling daily). DH said I can do what I want, just not involve him or bring him over to our house which makes me feel like im not allowed to be myself :confused: I guess I need to see if my feelings are genuine, but i haven't even told the other OSO that we can't continue and feel heartbroken. DH is upset with me because I don't agree with his rule. Any suggestions on how to help make the next few days bearable.
 
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Sounds like DH prefers to keep different parts of his life separate. Professional/Work is one world, his life with you is another, his FWB(s) is another.

However, you want your experiences to be together, that DH be part of your life with your OSO and vice-versa. You and DH will need to talk more -- with the goal being _understanding_ each other. You'll both want to understand what you want, understand his concerns, and what he wants. Your own understanding of what you want and what he wants will get sharper as you discuss.

I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be if my metamour was my supervisor. That'd add a whole new dimension to the supervisor-supervisee relationship. There'd be some extra negotiation and discussion required to make sure everything is professional at work -- and work stuff doesn't influence personal stuff.
 
Hi timeloardess,

So, your husband is okay with you having a relationship with this new guy (his work subordinate) as long as he (your husband) doesn't see or hear about it? If so, that's somewhat different from your husband forbidding the relationship altogether.

To help make the next few days bearable, I think you'll need to take a break from contacting the new guy, refrain from talking about open/poly relationships, and just focus on spending quality time with your husband. That buys you a few days but it doesn't solve the problem long-term.

You have some hard decisions to make. For one thing, the decision of whether to ... break up with your husband. The thing is, he has imposed rules on you, and you need to decide whether you can tolerate (read: obey) them. If you can't, that kind of pulls the foundation out from under your marriage.

You can of course negotiate with your husband for some changes to be made to the rules. But he might be dead set on leaving them exactly as they are. I'm not sure if he's the type to compromise.

Sorry I don't have any better advice to offer for now. Maybe I can think of more later.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am confused. Is it worked with or works with currently?

I think your hubby is being a little passive-aggressive.

You have two issues going on here.

The first is your need to be one big happy family. He prefers to keep things separate. Either that's an impasse or one of you will have to give in. It is probably unlikely that he will give in in the near future.

The bigger issue (to me) is this veto power he wields. Do you have the same veto power? Regardless, it's just wrong. The first guy? Hubby didn't like him? So what. Hubby isn't dating him.


Perhaps a compromise would be he drops veto power and you drop the kitchen table poly idea. That way you both get to carry on your own relationships without dealing with the other's. As your hubby becomes more comfortable with poly in general, maybe he will come around...or not.
 
Thanks so much for your reply. It is a previous person he worked with, not now. They have long both separated from that company, but now some common people in the field.


AzureKnight said:
Sounds like DH prefers to keep different parts of his life separate. Professional/Work is one world, his life with you is another, his FWB(s) is another.

However, you want your experiences to be together, that DH be part of your life with your OSO and vice-versa. You and DH will need to talk more -- with the goal being _understanding_ each other. You'll both want to understand what you want, understand his concerns, and what he wants. Your own understanding of what you want and what he wants will get sharper as you discuss.

I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be if my metamour was my supervisor. That'd add a whole new dimension to the supervisor-supervisee relationship. There'd be some extra negotiation and discussion required to make sure everything is professional at work -- and work stuff doesn't influence personal stuff.
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That part might of been confusing, but they are no longer working in the same company, but know common people who all use to work together.

I also should of added that a few months ago I had a BF who he more than welcome into our poly family. That person and our relationship just didn't work out. So its not like he limits the whole big poly family ideal just this one.

Now as far as veto power there was a recent on and off again GF he had, the situation he was using to continue to relationship seemed manipulative on his part. I know it is vague but the result was he was attempting to woe her to a point that she would do anything he asked and then he was going to ask her to do a favor for a friend of his.

Now, I had many conversations about how their relationship was so up and down (loads of drama, etc) that it might be best to stop it, but he never did until recently when he was not feeling well and still went and continued his date with her. He was ill and we weren't able to go out (there was a malfunction in groupon that night) so I said for him to meet up with her, that is when he told me he was sick and drained from our trip. I advised him to go, and if you feel sick then just don't make out. Well I learned when he came back home that my advice wasn't taken it lead to a disagreement when I told him not to talk to her anymore. I said to him since all this time he proclaimed there was no feeling or bond it wouldn't make a difference anyways right? Well the next day I felt terrible for putting a limit on him and even contacted her to apologies, that I had a misunderstanding etc. I didn't want her to think bad of DH and if needed he could open up the door with her in the future. I know that he has been in contact with her again (he told me today) and he once again proclaims there is nothing between them (and I should not talk to her anymore).

I think things are unsettled with his reason because of the previous incident, I feel as if this is more about him excreting control, as he said I did to him with his situation. However, every time I asked what his intention was and his relationship with her it was nothing, there wasn't one and with me right now I expressed that something has already developed. And if I didn't have a connection with the OSO already I wouldn't be sitting here feeling sick in how to break it off when I don't want to.

Last time it was difficult and that person asked if it was because of DH telling me to break off the relationship, of course I said no its me bla bla we still had to see each other after that it made live difficult for me. This time I don't have to see him or even answer his call or text message but it will still be difficult regardless. It takes a lot for me to bond with someone the mere fact that he doesn't see me as a casual hook-up (btw DH has no problem for them coming over) is a huge part in why I have opened up to him. On a side note I have to see my OSO tomorrow for an event time to turn on my freeze zone to be cold as ice right :(


vinsanity0 said:
I am confused. Is it worked with or works with currently?

I think your hubby is being a little passive-aggressive.

You have two issues going on here.

The first is your need to be one big happy family. He prefers to keep things separate. Either that's an impasse or one of you will have to give in. It is probably unlikely that he will give in in the near future.

The bigger issue (to me) is this veto power he wields. Do you have the same veto power? Regardless, it's just wrong. The first guy? Hubby didn't like him? So what. Hubby isn't dating him.


Perhaps a compromise would be he drops veto power and you drop the kitchen table poly idea. That way you both get to carry on your own relationships without dealing with the other's. As your hubby becomes more comfortable with poly in general, maybe he will come around...or not.
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Thanks for your reply!

Your right I can see him as long as what I call it, keeping him a secrete :mad:

It will be difficult to not talk to him as tomorrow I have an event that he will be at I already mentioned I will have to call upon the ice Gods to help me become stone cold :eek: when I see him tomorrow.

As options suggest go, breaking up with DH is not an option. Stopping to see the OSO is one since that is what he wants. I just have to either A find away to get over it without it being affecting to me (that is an oxymoron) or B somehow demonstrate to DH that knowing common people is not a problem.

I think its getting late my obnoxious is getting to my writing abilities.


kdt26417 said:
Hi timeloardess,

So, your husband is okay with you having a relationship with this new guy (his work subordinate) as long as he (your husband) doesn't see or hear about it? If so, that's somewhat different from your husband forbidding the relationship altogether.

To help make the next few days bearable, I think you'll need to take a break from contacting the new guy, refrain from talking about open/poly relationships, and just focus on spending quality time with your husband. That buys you a few days but it doesn't solve the problem long-term.

You have some hard decisions to make. For one thing, the decision of whether to ... break up with your husband. The thing is, he has imposed rules on you, and you need to decide whether you can tolerate (read: obey) them. If you can't, that kind of pulls the foundation out from under your marriage.

You can of course negotiate with your husband for some changes to be made to the rules. But he might be dead set on leaving them exactly as they are. I'm not sure if he's the type to compromise.

Sorry I don't have any better advice to offer for now. Maybe I can think of more later.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Why do you allow your husband to act like he's your boss and dictate whom you can or cannot be in relationships with? That is the most puzzling aspect for me. It's YOUR relationship, not his. You tossed an ex aside just because your husband didn't like him. I would hate to be anyone who wants to get involved with you if a third party is making decisions about my relationships. That is just so cruel and disrespectful to your lovers/boyfriends when you do that. Your husband can have his preferences and you can make adjustments if they work for you, but it isn't all about him.
 
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I don't understand why you're so involved in each other's relationships? I prefer kitchen table style poly, too, but that doesn't mean that I tell Blue how to conduct his other relationships. Nor does it mean that he can veto my relationships, or tell me how to conduct them. To me, kitchen table poly just means that we're all on amicable terms, can attend functions together, and communicate amongst ourselves.

So, for example, with this function you referred to, if it were a casual/friend type function, then Blue would be friendly to the other guy and I would be openly affectionate to both.... If it were a professional function and I was attending as Blue's date, then we'd both be friendly to the other man but I'd be more reserved in my affection (because imo, professional functions like work related functions, are not the place for pda.) Under no circumstances would Blue ask me to ignore the other man, nor would I agree to do that.

I like vinsanity's idea of your dh dropping the veto and you tabling kitchen-table style poly for now.
 
Hubby and I each have what's sometimes called a "messy people list." (At least I've seen GalaGirl call it that...) Meaning that we have agreed that under no circumstances will we become involved with anyone related to each other; if Hubby were to ever decide to have an FWB or partner it could not be one of my friends unless he and I discussed it first; and under no circumstances will I ever get involved with any of his friends or coworkers.

Other than the "messy list," Hubby has no control over who I get involved with, and if he were to ever decide to get involved with someone else, I wouldn't have control either. We *would* unquestionably talk to each other if we felt that a partner was not healthy for him or me to get involved with for whatever reason, and if one of us were involved with someone and the other was worried that it was an unhealthy situation, we could say so. But we could not say "You can't date that person" or "You have to break up with that person." We could only express our opinion (e.g. "I'm worried about how unhappy you seem in that relationship, and I wonder if it's really good for you to stay in it" or "The times I've talked to your partner they've been very disrespectful to me, and I'm not sure I like you being involved with someone who treats me that way") and ask the other to consider what we say.
 
The way you describe your poly, OP, sounds very confusing to me. Your husband is allowed to veto how you feel about someone? All of my guys are free to give their opinions on the other guys, but none of them would ever tell me to break it off with another - especially if there isn't any emotional upset or drama going on. We too, have a "messy list" - don't date anyone from your current job, or within our families or this person specifically. I agree with others that have said that this has to be a terrible feeling for your potential partners - to know that a third party is actually in total control of their relationship with you. And if they don't know this, I think you are being very unethical by keeping this a secret.
 
I wanted to update. I have tried to understand from DH's perspective that a person he knew a few years ago could be such an impact as being "off limits" he reminds me he said that I can have a relationship with him, just not tell him or have him around us or our home. He feels uncomfortable of having this type of known relationship in his private life, I can see that but since both have moved beyond that previous company it still baffles me.

It was very difficult to be with him at the event last night and I did forget there was today's event too. It is evidence that our bond, feelings, are there and I don't want to hurt him because he can never be part of my life the way we want it to be. Then after today's event he held my hand and walked me to my car (we did that yesterday too) I just couldn't help myself I find that no matter what we end up talking to each other, smiling at each other, and holding hands to the car. Today I told him that I don't want to hurt him and we can't have a relationship the way we discussed :confused: Yep I confused him and he said that he loved me, that was his answer to me saying we can't have the relationship how we wanted.

IDK what will happen, right now :confused::eek:
 
Bluebird said:
The way you describe your poly, OP, sounds very confusing to me. Your husband is allowed to veto how you feel about someone? All of my guys are free to give their opinions on the other guys, but none of them would ever tell me to break it off with another - especially if there isn't any emotional upset or drama going on. We too, have a "messy list" - don't date anyone from your current job, or within our families or this person specifically. I agree with others that have said that this has to be a terrible feeling for your potential partners - to know that a third party is actually in total control of their relationship with you. And if they don't know this, I think you are being very unethical by keeping this a secret.
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Unfortunately, I didn't inquire more into a common friend on my OSO FB page before getting into anything to serious. When I found out about it, I talked to DH about it right away and he remind me he is uncomfortable with it, resulting in him saying I can be with him but not to have him as part of my life (home, children, etc.). I actually said this to my OSO today as I don't want to hurt him.
 
I can't tell. Does the new guy know who you are married to?

I guess you have your reasons, but I don't get why you would turn away from somebody you have feelings for just because he and your hubby can't be friends.
 
Re:
"I don't get why you would turn away from somebody you have feelings for just because he and your hubby can't be friends."
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I think it is a rule that hubby established?
 
Yes he does know him and he has comment on how he was such a great guy. It is not that they are friends, right now but in the past they were, it makes DH uncomfortable. DH has made an assumption that my OSO is going to tell the common people they know about his relationship with me. That is what the whole problem is with pursuing an open relationship with him, is DH assumes that he will tell others about his private life.

vinsanity0 said:
I can't tell. Does the new guy know who you are married to?

I guess you have your reasons, but I don't get why you would turn away from somebody you have feelings for just because he and your hubby can't be friends.
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And the reason for the rule is to protect hubby's privacy, am I understanding that right?
 
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