Don't Like Wife's New Partner

S

Snazz

New member
My wife and I are new to the polyamrory scene, and are still trying to work through all the problems that arise when first starting. The first and most prominent being that I don't like the person my wife has chosen for herself.

I love my wife, and want to put her needs first, but I find this guy she has chosen to be incredibly immature, emotionally unstable and flat out annoying. Her partner (we'll call him Bob), has had a horrible life. Abusive parents and siblings, bullied in highschool, etc. He copes with all of this by being loud, crass, and occasionally has angry outbursts and breaks things. I completely understand why he acts the way he does, and I honestly can't say I wouldn't be the same if I had gone through what he has. My wife has had a similar background, and that has been the basis for their connection. I can't relate on that level, because my childhood was normal.

But the problem I'm having isn't so much that I don't think I can cope with her choice, but that their relationship is starting at a really bad time. I found out my Dad has cancer earlier this week, Bob moved in temporarily because his roommate is in the hospital and doesn't want to be alone (this was before my wife and Bob discovered feelings for each other), our dog had a ton of puppies that we don't know what to do with, and now my wife wants to start a relationship with a guy I don't like. I'm feeling overwhelmed, and have tried asking her to wait until he moves back out to start this new relationship. Her response was that she'll try not to, but no promises. And I'm not sure what to say to that or how to react if things between them progress regardless of how I feel. I know it's useless to try and halt people's feelings or love, but at the same time all I'm asking is for them to wait a week or two. Am I being unreasonable?
 
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I don't like one of my husbands partners. He's been with her for 5 years now and the only way this works is because he keeps the relationships separate and she and I don't interact. There is no way in hell that I would live with her, not even for 1 night. Well, I suppose I could do 1 night if there was a life or death emergency. But that's about it.

Why do you let someone you don't like stay in your house? It's your house too.
 
Because I feel bad for him, and we were casual friends until he moved in and I discovered all of this about him. He just turned 18 and is finishing highschool, but with his roommate in the hospital there's no one to drive him to school. So we volunteered to help him out. We had no idea that he would end up connecting with my wife, and I had no idea I'd find him so annoying.
 
How temporary is he with you for? When is his roommate back out of hospital? Honestly, I think in your position I would be keen on establishing a clear time limit - say, one or two more days. It's not like he doesn't have a place to go - he's just lonely. He can surely sort out his own transport to school, or perhaps you or your wife could pick him up and help out that way. And if your wife wants to see him, maybe she can stay over at his a few times next week - to me that'd be preferable to sharing my space with someone I can't relax around. Do you have a partner of your own right now? Close friends? Now is a good time to reach out for extra support given your dad and the fact your wife may be heading toward the NRE la-las.
 
School lets out next week, and one of his few friends offered to let him stay with them when that happens. I'll probably be okay letting him stay until then, but not any longer. I'll have to talk to my wife again and make my feelings clear, because I know she enjoys having him around and wants him to stay. Due to the NRE, no doubt.

And I do have a partner, but I'm breaking it off with her today. When my wife and I first branched out, she was the first person we found. Originally, we were a triad, a "unicorn" as I've heard some people say. After a few weeks it became apparent that she was much more attracted to me, because she's much more sexually inclined than my graysexual wife, and so my wife backed off and "Daisy" became just my girlfriend.

At first I was okay with this, because my wife was totally fine with how things worked out and because I really needed someone who desired me sexually on a regular basis. This was at a time that I was emotionally repressed and self-centered, and kept myself emotionally unavailable to everyone, including my wife.

But after all of the sudden events of the past week, especially with my Dad's cancer, I experienced an emotional breakdown and suddenly find myself flooded with feelings when usually the extent of my emotions was occasional anger or irritability. So now I don't feel it's fair to Daisy to continue what was an almost entirely physical relationship. And, given that I'm basically overwhelmed with all of these emotions, I don't think I'm in any condition to start a new emotional relationship with anyone else while I'm trying to make up to my wife for the past two years that I've been emotionally unavailable.

Edit: As for close friends, the only one I have left is my brother. I've fallen out of contact with the majority of my other friends over the past three years, due to the fact that I got married and started working full time while they were still living with their parents and looking for a college to go to.
 
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I know it's useless to try and halt people's feelings or love, but at the same time all I'm asking is for them to wait a week or two. Am I being unreasonable?
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I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask them to wait on the more-than-friends part. Especially since you're talking about a couple of weeks.

But the thing about asking is that sometimes people say no :( If your wife says no and continues to pursue things with Bob while he's staying with you, do you have a back up plan? Is there someone (brother, maybe) you could stay with, even part time, until Bob leaves next week? Are there things you can do to stay busy and take care of yourself if you are in the house with the two of them?

Snazz said:
Her partner (we'll call him Bob), has had a horrible life. Abusive parents and siblings, bullied in highschool, etc. He copes with all of this by being loud, crass, and occasionally has angry outbursts and breaks things. I completely understand why he acts the way he does, and I honestly can't say I wouldn't be the same if I had gone through what he has. My wife has had a similar background, and that has been the basis for their connection.
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I would be VERY uncomfortable if my husband or boyfriend - or anyone I care about - was seeing someone who has angry outbursts and breaks things.

Bob's shitty childhood may be the reason he does those things, but it does not make those things ok.

Sometimes people who grew up with abuse bond with others from similar backgrounds, even become each other's chosen family and support system, and it's a good thing all around. But sometimes abuse survivors subconsciously seek out abusive or unhealthy relationships because that is what feels familiar and normal to them.

Is your wife in therapy to deal with the stuff that happened to her as a kid? Does she have close friends who are trustworthy and honest? Are there people in her life who can help her decide if this is a healthy relationship for her?
 
Snazz said:
He just turned 18 and is finishing highschool, but with his roommate in the hospital there's no one to drive him to school.
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Your wife's BF is in high school? :eek:

You're in a parental role with him if he is living in your house, whether you see it that way or not. Yikes. You and your wife are OK with her getting sexually involved with such a young, inexperienced and dependent guy? You mentioned this casually, like everyone does it, but his age is a huge factor here. No 18 year old is emotionally stable - not one!!
 
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I would be VERY uncomfortable if my husband or boyfriend - or anyone I care about - was seeing someone who has angry outbursts and breaks things.

Bob's shitty childhood may be the reason he does those things, but it does not make those things ok.

Sometimes people who grew up with abuse bond with others from similar backgrounds, even become each other's chosen family and support system, and it's a good thing all around. But sometimes abuse survivors subconsciously seek out abusive or unhealthy relationships because that is what feels familiar and normal to them.

Is your wife in therapy to deal with the stuff that happened to her as a kid? Does she have close friends who are trustworthy and honest? Are there people in her life who can help her decide if this is a healthy relationship for her?
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I am a little uncomfortable with his behavior, and if I believe even for a moment it might be directed at my wife, I would most definitely put a stop to the whole thing. But, from what I've seen his anger is always directed at himself and breaks things he owns, like his phone. He's very self-destructive and borderline suicidal, and I've mentioned to my wife that being with someone like that probably isn't healthy, even if they both relate to feeling that way.

As for my wife's own well-being, she's been in therapy since she was 9. She stopped going around the time we got married because the government fund for abuse victims ran out. I've tried to get her to go back, but she refuses on the grounds that if she started going and then had to stop because we couldn't afford it, it might do more harm than good.

All of her close friends ended up being unreliable for emotional support, and none of her friends or family know that we're polyamorus. So I've been all she really had, and I've been pretty horrible in that area for a while until now.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Your wife's BF is in high school? :eek:

You're in a parental role with him if he is living in your house, whether you see it that way or not. Yikes. You and your wife are OK with her getting sexually involved with such a young, inexperienced and dependent guy? You mentioned this casually, like everyone does it, but his age is a huge factor here. No 18 year old is emotionally stable - not one!!
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I know, that's another reason why I want them to wait until he's moved back out.

Also, their relationship is not sexual and probably never will be. My wife is graysexual, which is basically one step above asexual. It's purley emotional, and relies on their connection through shared past traumas.

And, to be clear, my wife is only 20. The age gap isn't hugely inappropriate.
 
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Snazz said:
So now I don't feel it's fair to Daisy to continue what was an almost entirely physical relationship . . .
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I absolutely HATE it when a guy I'm seeing makes an important decision based on what he thinks is "fair to me." Ugh, as if I'm completely unable to make choices on my own! I would say, ask Daisy what she thinks is fair. It is absolutely untrue that every woman out there wants a committed, fully entangled, emotionally involved relationship. What you have to offer might be just perfect for her.
 
nycindie said:
I absolutely HATE it when a guy I'm seeing makes a decison based on what he thinks is "fair to me." Ugh, as if I'm completely unable to make choices on my own! I would say, ask Daisy what she thinks is fair.
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I did, and she agreed that things weren't going to work out. I'm not a total ass, haha.
 
Snazz said:
And, to be clear, my wife is only 20. The age gap isn't hugely inappropriate.
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It's not about an inappropriate age gap, it's about having very little experience and emotional resources (both of them) and all three of you taking on the enormous weight of so many issues here. I hate to sound like your grandma, but y'all are way too young for all of this: marriage, polyamory, abuse issues, anger issues, cancer, probably much more that has yet to emerge.
 
FallenAngelina said:
It's not about an inappropriate age gap, it's about having very little experience and emotional resources (both of them) and all three of you taking on the enormous weight of so many issues here. I hate to sound like your grandma, but y'all are way too young for all of this: marriage, polyamory, abuse issues, anger issues, cancer, probably much more that has yet to emerge.
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Never heard that one before, haha. To be honest, I agree that we're too young to handle the majority of that. But we're not about to divorce, and the rest of it is pretty much unavoidable. We've just got to do the best we can with what we have.

I definitely will discuss the age thing with my wife, though. That is a really good point, and not one I'd thought to bring up.
 
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Yeah reminded me of Phineas and Ferb "Aren't you a little young to be ...." "Yes, yes I am."

Leetah
 
My wife just told me there was no way she was putting it off or asking him to move out. What do I do now?
 
Update: My wife and I talked some more after that, and have reached a reasonable compromise.Thanks for all of the advice, but I think I've got it from here. For now, at least. Obviously, more obstacles will present themselves in the future that I won't have a clue what to do about. And when that happens, I'll probably post again.
 
I'd like to talk with all three of you in about ten years and get the report on how very much you learned from all of this.
 
I have sympathy for him. But it is YOUR house and he is breaking things! He doesn't have the right to that. He needs help and I don't think neither you nor your wife can provide. I believe one needs to get his/her life in a stable position before bringing someone in his/her life.
 
FallenAngelina said:
No 18 year old is emotionally stable - not one!!
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Especially one who comes from an abusive upbringing. I've met lots of people who think their difficult childhoods made them grow-up faster, but as someone who actually has her life together, I find the opposite to be true. They usually don't have the experience or awareness to understand the difference between "thriving" and merely "surviving."

Pleiades said:
I have sympathy for him. But it is YOUR house and he is breaking things! He doesn't have the right to that. He needs help and I don't think neither you nor your wife can provide. I believe one needs to get his/her life in a stable position before bringing someone in his/her life.
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Breaking his own things, apparently. Not healthy, but not a threat to the home owner.
 
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