Unbalanced

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wholeHeart

New member
Hello!
I don't really know where I fall in the spectrum of mono and poly, but I have up until about two months ago only been in monogamous relationships. I am in a 6 year same sex relationship, married for 2 years. As of right now we are discussing whether or not to stay monogamous.

I guess I will start with how the polyamory cam into our lives. We had a rough patch and I detached from the relationship for a bit. One day out of nowhere my wife started to bring up non-monogamy. It was a red flag because she had always vocalized her extreme discomfort with non-monogamy.

The more we discussed (more like fought about) it the more it was obvious that these feelings were surrounding another woman (which she wouldn't admit to). My assumption was that it was because our relationship was in a delicate place and needs were not getting met so she found someone else.
She assured me that this wasn't the case, but I could see how the relationship with this other woman was progressing to a place that I would say is not just that of the platonic friendship as she claimed. Last week she finally admitted that she had already fallen in love with this woman and that if I would allow she wanted to deepen the connection.

There has been a lot of pressure on her side and in therapy for me to make a decision and accept who she is. I have no problem accepting her but I feel like she is toeing the line with infidelity, I feel like she was dishonest and didn't respect our relationship by pursuing something other than what she claimed she was pursuing with this other woman.

I respect her need to be free. I believe that she loves me and wants to continue our life together, but there is a big piece of me that doesn't trust her enough to allow anything. I am unsure if it is because of the dishonesty that is already present or if it is the "demotion" grief that I am experiencing, or a mixture of both. I also don't think that because of the delicate nature of our relationship we should be negotiating this before we are healed and strong, but if feels impossible now that she has cultivated this other love.
That is where I am for now. I am glad I found this forum. I am new to forums in general so hope I didn't go overboard in my intro.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Welcome to the forum, WholeHeart. Can you say more about this? Which needs and whose needs? Knowing that would help us understand a key element in your situation.
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Thank you for the welcome!
As far as needs, neither of our emotional needs were getting met and I lost my sex drive and that was hard on her.
It felt like we were living separate lives. There has always been a lot of love and support in our relationship. We share a lot of core values and want the same future. We just hit a bad patch (it was the first time I would even say our relationship was hard to manage) and this is what came up.
 
Hi wholeheart,

Thanks for introducing yourself. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, but I think you have come to a good place for seeking advice. I too am (primarily) in a same-sex relationship, and my partner came to me initially with the idea of opening up because she was experiencing feelings of attraction to another. The difference between my situation and yours though is that I had already been in an open relationship before even meeting my current girlfriend, and the philosophy of it all had intrigued me for a number of years. Even so, I still found it a very hard transition to wrap my head and heart around.

I think I too would share your concerns about wanting her and you to be in a rock solid place together before actually taking the decision to open up. In my experience though, talking about the idea - really exploring it in depth with each other and sharing what you hope to get out of it openly - it can actually provide a space for both of you to regain some of that intimacy. I would be hesitant to rush into things though. Do take some time to get into what that rough patch was about, and figure out how you could both respond differently next time in order not to distance yourselves emotionally.

One question: how does the other woman feel about all this? Has your wife expressed her feelings? Are they reciprocated? How does this woman feel about being in a polyamorous relationship? Basically, it's not a given that this is going to work out with this particular woman, even if you and your wife do manage to iron things out between you both to your satisfaction in order to open up. One thing I would be asking your partner is whether she genuinely feels polyamorous, or if she is just wanting this particular woman in her life. It can be hard to separate the two sometimes (and oddly, more painful for the existing partner to consider, as it can seem to have more significance if it's just an attraction to an individual rather than the concept of having a more open and autonomous relationship in general), but I think it's an important thing for her to consider and for you to be aware of. Right now she might be asking for you both to upheave your entire life for something that might never even materialise. If even under ideal conditions (i.e. you being fine with it, no jealousy, everyone getting along, everyone having good communication and relationship skills) the other woman is just not interested in dating someone who is already married, then this whole thing is a non-starter.
 
tenK said:
One question: how does the other woman feel about all this? Has your wife expressed her feelings? Are they reciprocated? How does this woman feel about being in a polyamorous relationship? Basically, it's not a given that this is going to work out with this particular woman, even if you and your wife do manage to iron things out between you both to your satisfaction in order to open up. One thing I would be asking your partner is whether she genuinely feels polyamorous, or if she is just wanting this particular woman in her life. It can be hard to separate the two sometimes (and oddly, more painful for the existing partner to consider, as it can seem to have more significance if it's just an attraction to an individual rather than the concept of having a more open and autonomous relationship in general), but I think it's an important thing for her to consider and for you to be aware of. Right now she might be asking for you both to upheave your entire life for something that might never even materialise. If even under ideal conditions (i.e. you being fine with it, no jealousy, everyone getting along, everyone having good communication and relationship skills) the other woman is just not interested in dating someone who is already married, then this whole thing is a non-starter.
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Thanks for the advice I think you're right about me coming to the right place. As far as I know the other woman is completely on board with developing a deeper connection with my wife. What that really means to her I am unsure.

Something I forgot to mention is that the other woman is also in a comitted monogamous relationship. So that makes it even more hairy. Her partner seems a little more willing to restrict her and my wife's contact.

I don't think she knows if she feels polyamorus or if it is just this connection. But we haven't had a direct conversation about it. Good suggestion. Thanks!
 
Last edited:
Greetings wholeHeart,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear you're faced with a difficult situation. Your wife should have been more honest with you, but I suppose that is water under the bridge. Take some time to sort out your feelings, and let us know here if and how we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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