To have kids or not to have kids, that is the question.

phantazmagoria

New member
Hey, poly world! I'm seeking advice from like minded individuals.

Quick background:
me and hubby, married for 12 years
me hubby and girlfriend, together for 2.5 years, living together as a triad.

Cutting to the chase ... The hubby and I had never wanted kids when it was just the two of us. He had a vasectomy even to ensure this. Then enter our lovely girlfriend ... she really wants to have kids someday (like maybe within 5 years). She wants to parent said kids with us - she's chosen us to be her baby daddy and mommy. But remember when I said we didn't want kids? Yeah, that's our predicament. Love changes you. We are considering it on various levels. I go back and forth with "its a great idea" to "terrible, terrible idea".

You ask, why did we start this relationship knowing there were different life goals? Well, honestly, we didn't think it would last. Call us pessimistic, but the likelihood of a triad working out is slim to none. Well, it lasted. And lasted. And lasted. And now we are all three veryyyyyyyy deeply in love with each other. We want to spend the rest of our lives together as a triad. She doesn't want another guy to father the child. She wants us, and we want her.

So my question, what the fuck do we do? How do we decide this kid thing? How do me and Hubby figure out if we want to do the kid thing with her after all? How does anyone ever know they want to raise kids?

Any thoughts?
 
Flip a coin :D

Kidding.

Neither of my kids were planned. I didn't want kids until they were in my life.

There is certainly a lot to consider. I assume you guys had your reasons for not wanting kids. Other than being in love, has anything changed?
 
Well, since this has been weighing on our relationship, I have started to wonder about my life stages. Like all existential and all "what IS is all about?" kind of thoughts. I've changed as far as looking at other babies and baby things, and thinking they are adorable. I never did that before. Kids grossed me out.

But, I wouldn't be thinking those things if it wasn't for her.
 
Hi phantazmagoria,

How strongly does your girlfriend want a child? What will you do about the vasectomy, will you try to have it reversed? I'm sure you're aware that a baby is a mountain of work. Think it over carefully.

Hopefully the three of you can get it worked out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
There are also all the legal complications to think about. As far as I know, at the moment only CA (assuming you're in the US) allows three parents. It can become an issue in everything from hospital visits to school-related administrative issues, to custody if things ever go south. It may not be a deal-killer, of course, but it's worth thinking about before making a decision.
 
I am going to be brutally honest here.

Kids change everything. Especially the parent. You can't just do what you want. Even a quick trip to the store has to be planned out when kids are small. You can't just go out to eat where ever you want when you want. You have to plan for child care. Schedule your life around the child schedule. That doesn't stop when they are little. I have kids 12 & 9. I have to plan around sports, school, taking the youngest here and there. They have places to be.

They are a lifetime commitment not just 18 years. If you decide your husband decided to have a cold with her and things don't work out she is NEVER going to be out of his life.

You lose your freedom. You lose your privacy. You lose friends. Child free friends don't want to hear about nor hand out with your children.

Your lifestyle changes. You furniture choices have to take in kids. They can be destructive. Not on purpose mind you but they spill, bump into, have accidents on, jump on your stuff. Thing it gets better when they get older think again. They do crazy stuff when you're not around.

They are financially draining. When they are little it's supplies like diapers and special food prep. As they get older they need money for school, to go out with friends, sports, activities. Clothing is expensive. Styles change and they grow fast. Medical bills... Food bills OMG. my kids can eat a large pizza SOLO and they are twigs.

That is if your child is neurotypical.. If your child is special needs that gets worsened ten fold.

Then you are going to have to face her hormones and etc. Moms are like momma bears. We tend to not like others messing with our children. What are you going to do if the gf decides she wants to cut you out of the baby's care? What if she decides she wants a happy little family without you in the picture. There was a thread recently about just this subject.
 
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I have to strongly echo Dagferi's points. People always talk about (or imagine) how fulfilling children are, but the day in, day out reality for many parents is that raising children is grunt work with often invisible payoff. Children rarely appreciate the monumental changes and sacrifices parents make in order to even have them around. You can't possibly know until you're knee deep in a two year old how having a child (or two, they rarely just stop at one) in your life changes everything - EVERYTHING. Most parents say that overall, they are glad that they have kids, but the rewards can often be hard to find. Making a family is tough work and very hard on romantic relationships. That's another aspect that is seldom discussed - how very difficult it is to bear and raise children while maintaining romantic/sexual connection(s.) The sex and romance between (among) parents are often the first things to fall away in the triage of everyday life with a young child. Everyone thinks that this won't happen to them, but it happens to almost everyone. Some recover, most never do.

Despite all of this, people choose to get pregnant every day, but you asked for feedback from us, so this is mine. Bearing and raising children is by far the most stressful and life altering experience anyone can ever undertake. Unless you have that relentless call that wild horses couldn't keep you away from getting pregnant, don't do it.
 
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I have always been child-free by choice, and yet there were brief times in my life where I did consider becoming a parent. All I can say is I am so glad I did not pursue that idea. Those moments I thought about having a kid, I consider temporary insanity. Seriously. However, if you are going to consider it, I suggest you look into all the possible legal and financial ramifications (in your jurisdiction) that could come about from being a married couple raising the child of a single woman, and so on.

If you and husband do choose to hop on the parent train, and since your husband had a vasectomy which is difficult to reverse, you can always do one of the noblest and generous things anyone can do -- adopt. There are so many children in need of a home, it is heartbreaking.
 
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Or she could have a child with a man outside your triad who also wants to have kids.
 
I third GreenAcres, Dagferi, and FallenAngelina: Think long and hard before going there.

It costs money to raise a kid to 18 yrs old. ($250K - $300K average in the USA) If for some reason you become single parent to this kid -- would you be financially prepared?

It costs time. How much do you have? How would division of labor work out? Would one parent stay home (and deal with being a dependent for a while on the others) or would you pay childcare (and does that eat up most of the paycheck?)

DH and I have to plan everything ahead of time -- there is no "spontaneous." We are Closed through active parenting. You say you are a triad -- is it Open or Closed triad? Is dating time needed? How would all that impact pregnancy care and childcare time later?

Can you afford support systems if you need them? Housekeeping? Lawn care? Something else?

It costs mental and emotional energy. We are so drained at the end of each day that our couple time is serious impacted. Commitment to each other can get tested when couple connection is spotty. Dates for us revolve around video games or TV -- which is better than nothing, but time alone for us even with hiring babysitting and trading free babysitting with other families is low. We do get out, but it is way spread out. There is SO much work to arranging getting out, that sometimes we just stay in to not have to deal with it. But then we don't have the same kind of couple time... so it's one of those circle things. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

I also considered not just our own ages if we had a kid at ____ years old, but the grandparent ages. Because sooner or later we all hit the "sandwich" place. Raising kids with one hand, and dealing with eldercare with the other. While I could not plan it exactly, I could plan it for good odds that my child would at least be old enough to understand and deal when I have to bail and go deal with my parents. Dealing with eldercare issues with an infant-PreK age kid would send me round the bend.

Would the 3 sets of grandparents accept the infant? What kind of support (if any) would they be willing to give? I didn't want to assume and I asked them point blank what kind of support I could expect. Mine told me they were up for helping but they also said point blank that they do not consider adopted children "blood." (Which I was stunned to hear and disagree with, but I appreciated the honesty.)

One of DH's coworkers was all upset that her parents wanted nothing to do with her bio kids other than maybe bday and xmas. She wanted support in childcare and assumed they would want to be that too. Be all like cuddly always there grandparents. They wanted to travel and celebrate being "done" with all that kiddie stuff. Don't assume your families want what you want or that they will be there to help "automatically." Sort all that out before going there.

With him being the bio dad and her the bio mom -- I would check into legalities before agreeing to go there. It would suck to bond with a kid and have them taken out of your life if the bio parents choose to do so. Or not have parent rights that you assume you have like seeing the kid in hospital. Actually look your parent rights up.

What if this doesn't work out? How would you arrange for a clean break up and coparenting agreements? Would it go down to everyone single? Could think that out before going there.

It's lots to think about. Spend some time doing it. Don't jump right into TTC. Take a year or more thinking it out first. That's what I would suggest.

You are JUST coming off the "triad NRE" la-las.

Now you guys seem to be doing the "maybe baby NRE" la-las. And that kind of dreaming together can be fun, and a high of it's own. :)

But talk as well as dream, and don't start TTC until the NRE from "Maybe Baby" time wears off. If you still want to make babies after that, then go ahead. If you don't, breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't make one while still Maybe Baby NRE high. It's not like you can return them at the store if you end up with "buyer's remorse."

And you know what? That's a dark side of parenting people don't like to talk about. :(

I know people who went for more kids trying to a have boy -- and they ended up with a slew of girls. I get the vibe sometimes that they look at that last girl sometimes wishing she wasn't there because she wasn't the boy, and now they have to suck up the financial hardship anyway.

I also know people who were mismatched. One wanted 2 kids and one wanted 0 kids and rather than split up at that point in time they "compromised" on 1 kid. And now? They are still breaking up... only now there's a child in question.

Having a child can be a joy, but it's a life changing decision that cannot be taken back. So give it long thought.

Galagirl
 
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Whoa. I really, really appreciate everyone's responses here.

You've given me the grim reality check. I'm not sure who would want kids after reading these! hahaha.

But I know what you all say is true stuff. We are not rushing into things, for sure.

Thanks!!
 
I'm not sure who would want kids after reading these!

I imagine that most hetero couples just swim along with the prevailing current on this and even if having read this thread would cheerfully go forth and have kids, feeling the encouragement of history and their social world. GreenAcres touched on the very important point that you won't be enjoying the wide social applause that hetero couples get as a matter of course. You also will be facing life long legal struggles (barring a social sea change like we've seen in this decade around gay coupling.) One of you three will never be recognized as the parent by the legal and wider social world.

Right now, your feelings of "when I look at her" are giving you big time encouragement to have kids, but those feelings won't be enough to sustain you through all of your challenges, both typical and particular. Frankly, those gushy "because it's her" feelings won't last - nobody's do, not even hetero couples. Those joyful, romantic, "we've created someone together" feelings are beautiful and real in the early days of baby making (or adopting, as the case may be) but a few years down the line, you're in the trenches, just trying to keep up with the latest parenting challenge. Parenting is not a romantic venture in the least. Rewarding, possibly (most people say it is in the long run) but kids are extraordinarily adept at charging in and smashing any romantic notions their parents may have about anything. And I say that with all due respect to kids, having been one myself. ;)
 
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You also have to realize the stigma you will place on the child. They will be bullied/ teased for their family dynamic. Other parents won't let their child play with yours. You will be shunned, confronted, whispered about because of your choices. Unless you all are going to hide in the closet. Guess what kids rat you out quicker than anyone.

Kids are hard. Do I regret having my sons who are 21,12 (almost 13), and 9 not in the least. But they can throw a wrench in plans.
 
For you all that do have kids ... why did you decide to have them? What was your motivation behind that?

I'm just wondering about the mindset people have when making these decisions.
 
I'm not one of the people who had kids, but I can say that many, many, many of the parents I know or am acquainted with had kids because "that's what you do." It's part of the Relationship Escalator, part of what is expected when you get married, part of your "duty" as a person equipped with a uterus, part of what their parents and familes expect from them. They never thought to figure out if they actually, truly wanted to.

One of the sanest, healthiest thing in the world to do, is to question whether one wants to be a parent or not -- and why -- and yet society balks at the idea. When someone states that they want to have children, nobody asks why. But when someone states that they don't want children, everybody asks why not. It was infuriating to me when my gynecologist told me that I was too young to have my tubes tied at 27, in case I changed my mind. Well, I didn't change my mind and could've saved a hell of a lot of money through the years if I'd never needed all the IUDs, diaphragms, spermicides, etc. I knew I didn't want to be a parent, but heaven forbid I not tow the line!
 
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I had nannied full time for 6 years when we had our first child. I knew I wanted to do kid things and family things and thought I was prepared to have very little time to myself or with my DH. We are still happily married and things are ok but we live in perpetual frustration with lack of childcare or adult time. If you have supportive grandparents this can be different but none of ours want to do childcare so we only get to do activities we can take the kids to for the most part and by the time that ends we'll be in our late forties.
Dates are movies at home once kids are asleep and a lock on the living room door in hopes of getting naughty sometimes. Occasionally we spend £40 or so on an evenings babysitting but with cost of going out on top of that we can't do it more than a few times a year.
I adore my girls and would make the same decisions again but despite nannying I had no idea just how interminable the lack of freedom to follow my own interests would feel.
 
I didn't want kids initially. I enjoyed *other people's* kids, hence becoming a teacher, but I didn't want the responsibilities, pressure, and expectations.

Alt and Country's father and his family bullied me into having kids because he and I were married and "that's what you do, we all have kids, why do you think you're better than us, why did you waste time getting married if you weren't going to have kids?" His mother actually ranted at me ON OUR WEDDING DAY because she expected me to immediately start popping out babies and I said I wasn't going to have kids until I was ready. (Alt was born 2.5 years later. I still wasn't ready. Hell, I don't think I'm ready *now*.) Having kids was easier and safer than dealing with ranting, verbal and emotional abuse, and threats.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret having Alt and Country. However, I don't believe I was the best parent for them, especially while I was still with their father, so I regret parenting when I wasn't well-equipped for it.
 
My birth control failed (the pill) and I found myself pregnant. I had a big decision to make.
 
I would have had kids if natural causes hadn't intervened. And I would have had them because "That's just what you do." In other words, there, but for the grace of God, go I.

My wife and I struggled to make ends meet even without any kids. I shudder to think what extremes we'd have been pushed to if she'd been able to have kids.
 
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