Hi all,
I'm hoping this forum will provide a place for me to talk/vent through the challenges of making polyamory work. While I have friends who know my situation and want me to be happy, they don't really get it and are mostly holding their breath (with trepidation) waiting for it all to blow up in my face.
I have been with my husband for about 30 years, have known my girlfriend for about a dozen; we started as friends and then realized it was more. I have always been bi-curious but never explored that before. Now, to be honest, if both current relationships were to fail, I'd probably just date women.
My GF and I have a long complicated history--including marriage, kids, divorce (all hers), getting together, breaking up, etc etc etc--but we just can't quit each other and she is finally free of her husband and we have resumed our relationship. She does not feel open to a full-time relationship--she is adjusting to divorce, getting her kids settled, etc.--so it all seems ideal. If we can just get our pesky emotions all in line.
While I suppose I was emotionally unfaithful to my husband 10+ years ago, when my feelings for my GF morphed from friend to love, I didn't really have any control over that. I did ask his permission before taking the next step, however, and he granted it. This was several years ago and we have been through lots since then, including years when GF was out of the picture, trying to fix her marriage, and some rocky stretches in my marriage, mostly problems not directly related to GF--although certainly all that brought them into the open.
My husband is sympathetic to my sexual needs--I doubt he would be as understanding if I wanted to date a man. He does struggle with the fact that I am in love rather than looking for a fuckbuddy. Can't really blame him, but I'm not really interested in random hookups.
I have no family to speak of other than him (a sibling with whom I am not particularly close, that's it) and we don't have kids--I have gobs and gobs of love that is not being spoken for. Plenty for everyone! And my husband also has a very low-burn libido, which I've struggled with all these years. Finally, between the two of them, for the *first time in my life*, I'm not sexually frustrated. It's wonderful. (My husband has even upped his game some in reaction to my other relationship. Winning!)
He knows, of course, that he is free to pursue other relationships, though he doesn't believe that is possible and isn't particularly anxious to try. I suppose if one of them does find anyone else, I'll get to test all my beliefs about jealousy and enough for all etc., etc.
I suppose what problems we have right now are predictable ones, especially for newbies--jealousy and insecurity. I have to admit I'm exhausted by the need to reassure and reassure and reassure both of them. It seems like when my husband is happy my GF feels threatened and when my GF is happy my husband feels threatened and sometimes (as someone in another thread said) I just want to get in my car and run away from them both. Also, their insecurity triggers my insecurity; I'm just waiting for one of them to say, "I give up, forget it" or "time for you to choose."
I should also mention that my GF lives in another city, so we see each other only about once a month. We both wish it were more; I imagine my husband does not. And there are always rough spots between husband and I when I get home from time spent w/my GF, though I think we're getting better at talking through them.
I will explore all the discussions here--I just needed to blurt out my story among people who get it. Thanks to those of you who read all the way through all this. : )
I'm hoping this forum will provide a place for me to talk/vent through the challenges of making polyamory work. While I have friends who know my situation and want me to be happy, they don't really get it and are mostly holding their breath (with trepidation) waiting for it all to blow up in my face.
I have been with my husband for about 30 years, have known my girlfriend for about a dozen; we started as friends and then realized it was more. I have always been bi-curious but never explored that before. Now, to be honest, if both current relationships were to fail, I'd probably just date women.
My GF and I have a long complicated history--including marriage, kids, divorce (all hers), getting together, breaking up, etc etc etc--but we just can't quit each other and she is finally free of her husband and we have resumed our relationship. She does not feel open to a full-time relationship--she is adjusting to divorce, getting her kids settled, etc.--so it all seems ideal. If we can just get our pesky emotions all in line.
While I suppose I was emotionally unfaithful to my husband 10+ years ago, when my feelings for my GF morphed from friend to love, I didn't really have any control over that. I did ask his permission before taking the next step, however, and he granted it. This was several years ago and we have been through lots since then, including years when GF was out of the picture, trying to fix her marriage, and some rocky stretches in my marriage, mostly problems not directly related to GF--although certainly all that brought them into the open.
My husband is sympathetic to my sexual needs--I doubt he would be as understanding if I wanted to date a man. He does struggle with the fact that I am in love rather than looking for a fuckbuddy. Can't really blame him, but I'm not really interested in random hookups.
I have no family to speak of other than him (a sibling with whom I am not particularly close, that's it) and we don't have kids--I have gobs and gobs of love that is not being spoken for. Plenty for everyone! And my husband also has a very low-burn libido, which I've struggled with all these years. Finally, between the two of them, for the *first time in my life*, I'm not sexually frustrated. It's wonderful. (My husband has even upped his game some in reaction to my other relationship. Winning!)
He knows, of course, that he is free to pursue other relationships, though he doesn't believe that is possible and isn't particularly anxious to try. I suppose if one of them does find anyone else, I'll get to test all my beliefs about jealousy and enough for all etc., etc.
I suppose what problems we have right now are predictable ones, especially for newbies--jealousy and insecurity. I have to admit I'm exhausted by the need to reassure and reassure and reassure both of them. It seems like when my husband is happy my GF feels threatened and when my GF is happy my husband feels threatened and sometimes (as someone in another thread said) I just want to get in my car and run away from them both. Also, their insecurity triggers my insecurity; I'm just waiting for one of them to say, "I give up, forget it" or "time for you to choose."
I should also mention that my GF lives in another city, so we see each other only about once a month. We both wish it were more; I imagine my husband does not. And there are always rough spots between husband and I when I get home from time spent w/my GF, though I think we're getting better at talking through them.
I will explore all the discussions here--I just needed to blurt out my story among people who get it. Thanks to those of you who read all the way through all this. : )
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