It's a Texlahoma Story

So you're draining yourself to avoid neglecting anyone else... and are therefore neglecting yourself.

I can understand the stress you're under, and how much easier things would be for you if Dag were willing to assimilate into your poly Borg collective. (Sorry. I used that phrase earlier and it amuses me; I'm not being snarky, I'm laughing over here.)

This is going to sound harsh... but it doesn't matter if Dag is hurt by you not making time alone with him. You don't have the time to make! You say you "know" he's hurt; has he said so, or are you projecting? Seems to me if he's hurt by not having time with you, maybe it's time for him to compromise and spend time with you and other people.

If he has told you he's hurt by you not spending time with him this week, he's only adding to the stress and burden you're already carrying. If *he* is hurt, it is *his* shit to deal with. You have enough of your own. He needs to put on his big boy Underoos and deal with the situation as it stands, or stop being a brick wall about socializing with you around Andy or other people, and not make you feel worse by complaining to you about something you can't help.
 
I like Poly Borg :D Honestly that's how it feels sometimes. K and M and I are not connected in any "poly" way (unless you count being inappropriately affectionate with each other's husbands and way too involved in each other's lives) but we still yell SISTER WIVES whenever we take shots :p

KC43 said:
This is going to sound harsh... but it doesn't matter if Dag is hurt by you not making time alone with him. You don't have the time to make! You say you "know" he's hurt; has he said so, or are you projecting?
Click to expand...

I don't *know* anything anymore. Sigh. I'm interpreting based on the passive aggressive texts.

"I miss you... I'm just lonely... So bored... But I know you're busy... Just miss you... Terribly... I'll stop texting I know I'm being needy... Just wish we were together... (Selfie)... Do you miss me?"

:cool:
 
Ah, so he's passive-aggressing. That's even worse than telling you flat out that he's hurt.

It's also more childish. He's trying to pull your attention away from the things you're doing and the people you're with by sending you texts that he suspects you'll feel like you have to answer, because he knows you aren't the kind to ignore a text.

Ignore them. Or send him one saying "Sorry you're bored, we're playing Monopoly, come on over." (Or whatever it is you're doing.) When he says he won't go over there because Andy's there, say, "Oh, right. Well, the offer's open if you're actually bored, but I'm going to go play now so I won't be answering your texts for the next several hours."

And then don't answer them.
 
That is exactly what Andy says to do ;)

I should have added, on my last post, that what drives me nuts about this is that Dag is busy too! His kids are home all week and I know he has plans with his wife at least a few nights.

So even if I were to drop everything and want to see him, chances are he would be too busy with family to actually see me. This is what I was getting confused about on Christmas, too. I guess I will listen to FallenAngelina's wise words and assume he means what he says, literally. He misses me and wants to know I miss him too. And I do. I would just prefer that if we can't find time to meet, we are both having an awesome fun time doing other things, not feeling sad about it.
 
Here's the text I would send Dag at this point: "Sorry you're blue. I wish you were having an awesome time, like I am. Life is good and I feel so blessed! You know you are welcome to join me at _____ if you want, then you wouldn't be missing me! I don't have any time to see you otherwise - it's up to you!"
 
Soooo, progress! Sort of!

Last night I wrote Dag a long email explaining how frustrated I felt. Basically saying that I know he wants more time together, and I do too, but I am already at the limit of the time I can take away from my husband and the rest of my life.

I suggested a standing weekly lunch date, his choice of day, because that's one of the few things I can deliver at this point. At least it means we will see each other twice a week most weeks. I guess he liked the idea, or at least appreciated my effort, because...

This morning, he emailed me back, suggesting that Andy and I both come to Nearby City the weekend of Geeky Con so we can all get to know each other on neutral territory. He suggested I drive down with Andy, and if everything goes ok, spend one night with Andy and one night with him.

Omg, omg, omg. I was smiling like an idiot reading that email over and over :D

I could not wait to tell Andy. I ambushed him on his way out the door to go see Stephanie and her daughter. I was late for work and didn't care and just wanted to happy dance around the kitchen with my husband.

And... Andy got all weird and was like, "I guess so. Gotta go."

WTF??? :confused: I body blocked the door, put on my best therapist poker face, and asked very nicely if he could explain what, exactly, was bothering him about us getting the very damn thing we'd been wanting for months.

"What if we get there and I don't get along with him and we're all stuck 200 miles from home? Can't we just go get a beer around here?"

(Bangs head on desk)

I get it, Andy's worry, I do. A quick beer somewhere local makes more sense to me, too. But at this point I am willing to compromise. Dag is stepping out of his comfort zone for me, I can meet him halfway. And honestly, if they hate each other, so fucking what. Andy and I can either drive home early or enjoy doing touristy shit alone for a couple of days. Dag will be at Geeky Con doing geeky stuff anyway.

Andy has agreed to think about it. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, either about Andy deciding to go or about it being some magic perfect poly weekend.

I am just very glad I am only one hour away from beer because damn I need a drink.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Right now, though, I'm just draining myself to make sure no one in my life feels neglected.
Click to expand...

So THAT is the central topic and issue then, I'm guessing. I don't have a solution, of course. I'm in a similar boat, though differently -- with my very soulful work taking over my life as it tends to do, and many friends -- more than I'm used to having.... It's a blessing and a curse! In perhaps equal proportions. :rolleyes::p
 
Had a good heart to heart with Andy last night about his concerns about meeting Dag on the Geeky Con trip. He's worried that we will get there only to have Dag chicken out on meeting, and that he'll be stuck alone while I spend 3 days with Dag. Valid worry, but I was able to reassure him that's NOT going to happen.

First of all, Dag flaking at the last minute (for anything other than a true emergency anyway) would be a Very Big Problem for me. Not something I could shrug off while I continued to spend a weekend with him. Second, I do get that I will need to spend the vast majority of my time on this trip with Andy. Dag has a 3 day pass to Geeky Con and has been planning this trip for months; Andy is only going because I've asked him. Dag can join us as much as he wants, but my alone time with Dag will probably just be a couple hours one day to see Geeky Con and then our overnight.

I did tell Andy, though, that if he sees the four hour drive and three days in a hotel as a chore he has to do to meet Dag, we should skip it. I want us to go because it will be fun - very cool city to explore, with great nightlife and lots of historic sites, plus the crazy huge Geeky Con. The fact that we will get to hang with Dag is great, but "the meet" doesn't have to be the only reason we go.

So, with all that on the table, we are all super excited for the trip :D Dag booked his hotel already, Andy and I will probably pick one within a block or so of Dag's. Easy to meet up and for me to float between for one-on-one time, but gives Dag and Andy a little space so it doesn't feel like a 3 day slumber party.

Dag is having an unrelated-to-poly shitty day... He and his wife were going to see Star Wars this afternoon, but their baby sitter flaked out :( Just sent his mood waaaay down. It's really hard for them to find sitters and today kind of reinforced the "why even try to have a life outside parenting?" spiral. Especially because both his kids melted down at the change in plans.

Of course my mind immediately goes into Poly Borg Collective mode :rolleyes: I could baby sit! Maybe not last minute on a Tuesday afternoon, but in the future. I honestly would love to. I have worked with special needs kids since high school, and while every kid is different, in 20 years I have gotten pretty good at reading kids and adjusting to their needs. Also, I work for free ;) I know his wife would never even consider it - kind of violates the spirit of DADT to have "my friend Claire, don't ask questions!!!" come to babysit. I just know how tough it is for my client families with special needs kids to get grown up time, and I wish I could help.
 
I like you Claire. (That' all.) :)
 
Aw, shucks, River :eek:

I like you too :)
 
I'm having a hard time being on this forum today. I think I may need to take a break for a while.

There was an update posted to another blog here, and I not only read the blog, but also looked at the post history of the member and read the old threads. Incredibly disturbing, for me. Literally gave me chills.

I think of myself as an open minded, non judgemental person. There are many people here, and on other sites I frequent, who have sexual interests or fetishes I don't share. (Some that even creep me out, to be honest.) But I'm a believer in consenting adults doing whatever the enjoy as long as no one gets hurt.

That's the key, though - the no one gets hurt and everyone consents fully part. The stuff I read today... The OP sounds like a predator, grooming weak victims who lack the sophistication to know what they are getting into and the resources to escape if they ever figure it out.

I blocked the member, but that only hides their posts, not the entire threads. And honestly, hiding posts doesn't do much to calm my feelings. It's not that I can't handle reading about it. I see much, much worse shit everyday at my job. It's just uncomfortable for me to be sharing a space, even a nebulous virtual one, with that person. Even though I can see that the vast majority of the other members feel the same way I do reading these posts ... it's upsetting for me that these posts are treated like any other, visible on the board and garnering civil replies.

This board suddenly feels like a very unsafe space to me :(
 
Thanks for sharing that, GFT.

I have no idea which posts you're referring to -- and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. Well, maybe. Eeek.


It would be a shame if you dropped out here because of it. Perhaps being direct and honest about it in the relevant thread/s would help? Or maybe you should just stay away from the threads you find disturbing?
 
I kind of hoped it was just a fantasy or trolling so people were being warily polite.

Leetah
 
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, both here and on pm. Sending everyone virtual Poly Borg Collective platonic cuddles :)

And nycindie I'm glad the mods are aware. I understand that no official forum guidelines are being violated... Can we add no creepy misogynistic bullshit to the rules ;)
 
I am exhausted tonight. I don't know how people handle poly sometimes. Especially when I read posts from members who are dealing with chronic illness... Where do you all get the energy? I run 6 miles a day and make it through hour long cardio classes without breaking a sweat, but this poly shit wears me out.

It's been a quiet week - just hanging out with Andy and our friends. I missed Dag, but I really did need the break. Not from him but from juggling and scheduling and stress.

Today was supposed to be my first official weekly lunch date with Dag and yep, I screwed it up. Andy slipped in the shower (how??? you're 40 something, not 80 something!!!) and re-injured the foot he had surgery on over the summer. So we spent the day at the foot doctor :( And once again, I felt like the worlds shittiest girlfriend, blowing off my boyfriend to drive my husband around.

I truly Lost.My.Shit. this morning telling Dag I had to cancel. Just crying hysterically about how he deserved better than me. He managed to calm me down but I'm still feeling a little of that. Ok, a lot.

It's not that I think Dag is "too good for me" ... Despite all my other wonkiness I don't have self esteem issues, especially not when it comes to dating and relationships. If we were both single I think we'd be a perfect match. It's just that in my current (aka married) situation I feel like I have so little to give another partner. Not enough in person time, not enough phone/text time, not enough sexual energy. I worry that Dag is settling for so much less than he needs and deserves to be with me. The guilt is overwhelming today.

One of the things Dag said to me today was that he wants me, no one else, that he can't even imagine having this kind of relationship with anyone else. Which is sweet. But makes me feel even more guilty, somehow. I wonder sometimes if opening up to new partners - even just on his side - would be a good thing. He used to be on a couple of swinger sites, but once he and I started dating, he always wanted me to meet the people he found online... It's just not my scene, and no matter how often I told him I was cool with him venturing out on his own, he never did. I have no idea how to bring this up, though. I think it's probably not something he even wants :confused: but more something I'd be doing to assuage my own guilt over not being available enough.

In related news, Stephanie's daughter is going through your standard college self discovery phase, and convinced us all to take the Enneagram personality test. (I had a similar attachment to the Meyers-Briggs in college, so I sympathize.) I am a Helper, and I also scored high on Loyalist and Peacemaker. So basically I'm codependent, risk averse, and conflict avoidant. What a fucking surprise :rolleyes:
 
I have chronic illnesses: fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety disorder, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and PTSD. (Hence my not actually having a job...)

Who says I have energy for poly? Some days I don't have energy to pour a bowl of cereal! ;)
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
This, so much. Romantic love is very much tangled up with entwinement and togetherness and "forever and ever" to me. It's one of the reasons I struggle with identifying as poly even though I'm definitely happily non monogamous.

Any relationship that doesn't have living-together-for-the-rest-of-our-lives potential just feels like friends with benefits to me. That's not derogatory - I love my friends, they are my family, I'd do just about anything for them. I just can't feel the romantic, "in love" stuff in non-escalator relationships. If I have romantic feelings for someone, I want the escalator. If I can't get that, the romantic feelings kind of wither and die. I may still love the person, very much, but it's a qualitatively different type of love than what I feel for a nesting partner.

It doesn't mean I can't commit to a non nesting partner... Just that the commitment looks and feels very different from the commitment I have with my husband.
Click to expand...

Something I posted on another thread that I wanted to add here for posterity ;)

I agonize over this, a lot. I can't help but feel like something is wrong with me - like I'm broken or defective - when I can't sustain romantic love feelings in non nesting partnerships.

It's like I can feel "in love" only as long as the new relationship is climbing some kind of escalator. Which most do, even in poly, for the first few months... You see each other more, learn about each other, start sleeping over, go away together for the first time, meet each other's important people. But if it's not going to be a nesting partnership, the escalator stalls halfway up, with no movement toward living together or marriage or life partnership. And when the movement stops, so does the romance, for me. "In love" is just so inextricably bound up with nesting for me that I simply can't have one and not the other.

But you know what? That's ok. It really is. If my long term non-nesting relationships are loving, caring, supportive friendships with a side of hot sex, that's fine. I can't make myself feel something I don't. Maybe someday I will have a relationship that makes non-entwined romantic love "click" for me. Maybe I never will. Either way, where I am and the way I feel things right now is good enough.
 
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