The Best Life Yet

[Reverie]

Oh my goodness, last night was so fun! Rider and I went out to see my old friend Perry's band play, and they were really good! The music was so '90s, which is right up our alley. And the show started early, so we weren't out too late.

After the show, we got dinner with Perry, along with a female friend of his and the singer in his band. We went to this cool mostly vegan restaurant, and Perry and I bonded over trying to eat better and ordering salads.

The best part of the night, though, was how well Rider and Perry got along. It was their first time meeting and by the end of the night they were acting like they'd been friends for years. I had known they'd get along, but I didn't realize to what degree! They are already making plans to jam together and playing pranks on each other. Total instant bromance.

Tonight, Rider and I are going to hang out one on one, and then tomorrow we are going to meet up with Oona and Toby, who will be coming by after their V-day dinner, and also Perry and my other old friend Mel, who is in from out of town. Mel was one of my very best friends since I was 17 years old, before I even met Oona. We were a crew together: Oona, Mel, Perry, and I, along with another friend who has since passed away, and an ex of mine.

It will be so fantastic to have the old group back together and for Rider to meet Mel. Over the course of our relationship, it's always been me getting introduced into Rider's group of friends, but now here in Magnet City, where I have some history, I get to introduce HIM around, and it's a nice change of pace. He, of course, gets along with everyone. As usual.

So tomorrow will be a full day: getting some checkups on my car done, Rider has an eye appointment, then we're going to the park to scope it out for a possible wedding, then we're checking out an astronomy event, then we're going home and hanging with friends, probably till the wee hours.

V-Day will be low-key this year: I'm going to cook dinner and we're going to have ton of sex. I'm looking forward to it.

 

[Reverie]

I had so much fun this weekend, despite a vehicular snag. Rider and I hung out on Friday night and had some drinks and worked on some music. Then I got up super early Saturday morning to do my car inspection.

Well, it didn't pass inspection, so I had to take it in for repairs immediately after. There was some question about whether it would pass even after the repairs—it's an old car—and so I walked home while it was in the shop and started researching newer cars on Craigslist. I figured that if it didn't pass again, I could use my next paycheck as a down payment and could afford a small car payment each month. But thankfully it did pass after the repairs, so I can kick that can down the road a little ways. Still, it has a crack in the exhaust manifold that will eventually cost more to replace than the stupid car is worth, so eventually that will prevent it from passing, probably next time.

Once the car debacle was handled, we weren't supposed to drive it for a day, so instead of going to the park or the astronomy thing, Rider and I walked around our neighborhood doing small errands. I had to pick up my cat's Soft Claws from UPS (she had been trying to destroy our new couch), and Rider had an eye appointment, and we needed to get lunch, so we stopped for curry. Later, we went and browsed the record store and a surplus store, and thrifted a couple of lamps for our place. We're still putting things together bit by bit, but we finally have a bit more light in our living room now.

Oona and Toby begged off of hanging out. Oona wasn't feeling well, and they'd gotten into an argument after their fancy dinner. But Perry and Mel still came over and we had an incredible amount of fun. Rider became instant friends with them, which warmed my heart so much. And it was so good to see Mel after not seeing him for four years. Aaaah! I love those guys so much! It's really nice to have a couple of totally platonic dude friends that I just love wholeheartedly. We played some music and drank and giggled a ton. We also stayed up pretty late, so I slept in on Sunday later than I have in forever. It felt great!

While I was sleeping in, Rider sneaked out and bought me flowers and chocolate. I got up and went for a run (so much more difficult after a night of drinking but I was pretty proud of myself for still doing it). Rider and I had made a plan of trying to beat our previous record for number of partnered orgasms in one day, so as soon as I showered off, we had some really hot sex.

Then we were famished, so we went out for fast food tacos. It might not be a stereotypical Valentine's meal, but we managed to make it completely romantic. After eating, we found a little Indian grocery and stocked up on ingredients for our evening meal, plus some exotic cocktail fixings: lychee juice and iris water! When we got home, I mixed them up with some gin, lemon, and sparkling water, and it tasted like heaven. I also had bought a mint plant, so I put that in the garden out front, joking that I am literally putting down roots in our new location.

Per the mechanic's instructions for calibrating some things, we went for a sunset drive for about an hour, during which had some very interesting conversations. I love him so much that just talking to him can make anything fun, even the freeway.

Then there was more sex.

After putting our clothes back on, we sat around for a bit texting our other people to tell them happy V-Day: Allie, Pablo, Elise, Aurora, and various family members. I thought about sending something to Sam and Jake, but both of them are the types to roll eyes at "commercial holiday bull," so I waited until today and sent them e-hearts instead.

I fixed an extravagant Indian meal, a twist on mutter paneer, and we cuddled and watched a show. Then I dressed Rider up in lingerie and put some makeup on him, and we had some fun with the strap-on. At that point, it was late, so we didn't quite break our orgasm record. We vowed to try again next weekend!

Today, Rider has the day off, so he rode with me to work so he could use the car and go hang out with his friends. I might take the bus to meet up with them when I get off, or he might just pick me up.

Later this week I start my "meeting people from the internet" phase of living here. That will probably be the point where this blog gets interesting again, instead of just being a boring chronicle of blissfully happy but functionally monogamous life, LOL.

 

[Reverie]

Aw, I had the cutest exchange via IM with Jake today:

Me: <3 <3 <3

Him: I love thee.

Me: That just made my heart go boom. How do you still do that to me after 20 years? You're magic.

Him: Because it is and always will be...us

Me: Smiling so hard right now.

And then the banter turned very sexy, which we hadn't done in months. He's currently traveling in Europe and we are very far away from each other, but I still get NRE-like jolts sometimes when interacting with him. Love is amazing, how it can be so persistent and slice right through space and time.

 

[Reverie]

Still in full-force scheduling mode. I finally heard back from Kristof, so we're trying to nail down some time. Our initial ventures into that area of conversation seem to suggest that we might have opposite enough schedules that it could be kind of difficult, unless I misunderstood him. I wrote back for clarification because his wording was ambiguous.

So far I will see Oona tonight, my possible platonic OKC person tomorrow night, possibly Kristof on Friday, Karina next Thursday, and Moss next weekend. Plus it's my dating anniversary with Rider soon and we're celebrating this weekend. And I have a museum date with Sparrow planned for the 6th.

Sparrow also invited Rider and me to go to a poly meetup that his friend hosts once every month or two, but that was the weekend I am supposed to go visit Moss, so I turned it down.

I'd be really happy if I could just have a loose web of casual people—anywhere on the spectrum from friends to sex to romance—that I see about once a month for each of them. Of course, if NRE starts kicking up, it is often more demanding, but I'm not in any kind of rush to get into anything serious with anyone, and I want to send out feelers far and wide since I am in a new place with potentially a lot of new social networks to get plugged into.

 

[Reverie]

Yesterday, I read an excerpt from this post over on Poly in the Media, and one phrase has kept rattling around in my head: "those of us who are not interested in relationships where we are treated as intrinsically lesser because someone else got there first."

And it's gotten me thinking of three things related to polysaturation, especially since I am about to start kind of dating again. (I say "kind of" because I've made it pretty clear that I'm interested most of all in friendships and if something more comes of it, great. I don't want expectations of sex to be implied from the outset.) I just wanted to organize my thoughts here because I find it to be helpful.

1) "we are treated as intrinsically lesser" seems to be defined in this case (based on the previous paragraph) as "partners who are more short-term, casual, or recent than others." So I am thinking about the meaning of "lesser"—just kind turning it over in my mind. After thinking about it for a while, I think she must mean "has less value as a person" i.e., treated with disrespect or as unworthy of as much esteem. That should never happen to anyone, of course.

But I started thinking of all the other ways that "lesser" could be taken—a partner getting less time, a partner being able to affect their partner's life course less, their schedule being a layer upon the pre-existing "base layer" of their partner's life when they come into it. And so that got me thinking of...

2) "because someone else got there first"...so...THAT got me thinking of polysaturation. Because when you get polysaturated—when you have too many partners and can't take on another one without straining your existing relationships or compromising your self care—that is based almost entirely on "who got there first." It doesn't seem ethical to jettison an existing partner BECAUSE you meet someone new; it seems like that would mean that your commitments to the existing partner(s) are fickle and weak.

You can add people to your life, time-wise, only up until a point, and after a while, it seems like new people kind of must fit into the slices that you actually do have available. To some degree, time and intimacy sort of are indeed first-come, first-served commodities. If your schedule is already incredibly full, you might not have time to turn strangers into acquaintances, acquaintances into friends, friends into lovers, and lovers into life partners. You might meet that totally awesome person and just be like, well DAMN, I'd love to get to know you better, but I really haven't the time.

3) Which brings me to the third concept, which is that it seems pretty natural to me that people someone has known longer, and especially that someone has been close to for a very long time, have the potential to have greater relational value to them than those known for shorter periods of time. Obviously, time is not the ONLY metric, but it seems like an important one. To extremes, losing a close immediate family member (to death or a rift)—someone you've known all your life and been closely bonded to that whole time—is harder than losing a friend you've recently made at your new job (to death, a rift, a change of employment, etc.).

So I think this is why the use of the word "intrinsic" in this excerpt must be referring to the ethical concept of intrinsic value of a person's life or happiness—their humanity (vs. being an object)—rather than the value of the relationship itself. I think it is normal to value one's own connections to some people more (and thus to other people "less" by definition). It's how a person decides who to invite to stuff when there is a limited number of slots, etc. But I definitely think that people shouldn't allow this value-ranking (as opposed to their partner's own behavior) to determine the level of respect they treat someone with. It's possible to be kind and respectful to someone without having that person be a main priority in your life.

Going ahead with dating again, I am going to be doing a lot of thinking about this. It's like there is one level of stuff that is true of all people, and that's like

((deserving basic human rights; having valid feelings; deserving of my not being a jerk to them—whether or not they have been a jerk to me))

and then there's a level of privilege that I grant certain people when it comes to having access to me

((deserving respect from me because they have not shown themselves to be a jerk; deserving open and honest communication because I willingly share space with them))

and then there's a level of "extra" beyond that to be granted to people that I have incentive to want to please them or to try to ensure that they continue to willingly share space with me

((I go out of my way in small ways or big ways to do favors for them that they need; I try to think of things that they would like and get/do those things for them to contribute to their happiness; I make efforts to continue the friendship or connection in other ways, like scheduling visits or keeping up text or IM banter if I have no time for visits; I say things to make them feel valued and loved as a friend/lover/whatever they are to me; I am committed to working out problems in the connection as long as the solution doesn't trample my boundaries or cause too much trouble in my life in terms of sacrificing needs or very strong desires))

and then another level past that where I am willing to go for people that I am really close to

((I might make compromises on and sacrifices of things that I might want if they want the opposite—again so long as my boundaries aren't getting trampled and I am still getting my needs met; I am willing to take their schedule and location into account when planning my life; I spend a great deal of mental energy, time, and sometimes money on planning things that would contribute to their happiness or our mutual happiness))

It seems like as long as I fill all of the requirements of the bottom two tiers, I am treating anyone that I might meet for a few outings as a person of intrinsic human value. If I find myself really taken with them and want to move things to a level more like friendship or romantic partner, then if I fill the bottom three tiers, I feel like I am being a good friend or partner.

But I also feel like there isn't really space in my schedule, life structure, or wallet to really take more people to the fourth tier without displacing the "someone else who got there first." Which would be unethical in itself.

Anyway, that's just a poly-related brain-unspooling. Just me kicking thoughts around trying to make sense of things. Funny how a single phrase can unspool to a huge blog post.

 

[Reverie]

Hanging with Oona last night was fun. Again, we just sat around on her bed and gabbed and played with her puppy. She explained about Saturday night and why she and Toby were fighting. She has so much less patience than I do with things like people not responding immediately when their names are called, or being brushed aside for a moment while a conversation or task is completed.

She has an incredibly strong hangup about "being ignored," even for a moment. But Toby seems to roll with it well, despite not really being at fault most of the time. Like Rider, Toby doesn't hear well with background noise, and I kind of had to take his side when she was telling me the story. Rider has told me in the past how frustrated and mean previous partners have been sometimes when he has not heard them, and he has always expressed gratitude to me that I am patient and don't give him crap about it. I can't imagine giving someone crap about a physical limitation that they cannot help.

After discussing all of that with her, I moved on to telling her about the roster of people I am about to meet up with over the next few weeks. The first one is tonight!

Oona was excited for me. I explained to her that I was really mostly looking for friendship with most of these people, though I was open to more happening. And if I don't click with them, I am probably not going to be back on OKC anytime soon. I'll probably just let things happen organically if I happen to meet someone I am attracted to—that mostly I am currently happy just with Rider but that I still consider myself poly because I don't like to be prevented from following any connection that might crop up somewhere. She said that makes sense to her.

I feel like, with the exceptions of Jake and Beckett, a lot of the partners I've had have been minor attractions that would have been fleeting and which I might have just let lie, if I hadn't been trying to "balance" Rider's having Claire (and then Claire AND Kelly) with adding partners of my own.

Which is not to say that I in any way regret having made those connections when I did. For example, the thing that I have with Sam has been completely beautiful in its own way, and my nine months of being with Moss I think gave us both a kind of pleasant closure that we hadn't had at the end of our marriage. It's just that, for me, a mild attraction is something that I can pretty easily ignore if it's going to come bundled with going out of my way to satisfy it, as long as my needs are getting met in other relationships. Which they totally are right now, and then some!

I have written about this from time to time, but it continues to remain pretty funny to me how much easier it is to be "monogamous" when I am in a non-monogamous relationship. My non-monogamous relationship requires so much honesty and intense communication (which we are pretty good at), and it has so few restrictions (which removes a lot of the power struggle and the feeling of being "trapped") that my needs are actually getting met a lot better than they ever have in any relationship before. The only one that can't be met within it is the need for variety, which rears its head relatively infrequently, given that my level of introversion dampens my motivation to actually interact with other people very often. So about 85–90% of the time, I am content to just hang out with Rider.

But when I have been in an actual monogamous relationship, I eventually start feeling kind of bored and stir-crazy knowing that I'm not "allowed" to get too close to people outside of the relationship. I start having that desire for variety (that I think is innate to most people) and that occasional outside contact, and if I broach the topic and ask for it, it has stirred up paranoia and control issues in my past partners, even if I've taken "no" for an answer and dropped the subject. Partners who have desired pure monogamy have tended to assume that I *am* cheating or that I *will* cheat just because I prefer to communicate honestly about having or being capable of desires outside of the relationship, even if I am also capable of not acting on them.

I think that is one of the most unhealthy things that tends to happen in a lot of monogamous relationships, not only my own but others I've witnessed: partners often seem to feel a need to maintain a fiction that we are never attracted to anyone else, that we would never be happy being closer than arm's length to a person outside of the relationship. The whole idea of "I only have eyes for you" sort of a thing.

In a way, I understand it because when I was very young (a teenager to early 20s) I had pretty low self-esteem and I thought that the way the world was supposed to work was that whole fiction. I felt guilty for my own outside attractions, and I felt desperate, soul-crushing jealousy at the idea that my partner might have them too—surely it reflected badly on me that I wasn't attractive enough to attract his whole and entire attention! I was supposed to somehow be enough everything to keep this person's eyes forever fixed on only me. And when I wasn't (because no one is) it further ruined my already low self-esteem.

It took a lot of overcoming social conditioning and a lot of working on my own self-worth (and, to be honest, a lot of marathoning back episodes of Savage Lovecast) to get to a point where I realized that not being naturally monogamous in mind, body, or spirit was not a failure of mine, and that other people's not being naturally monogamous in mind, body, or spirit was not only not a failure of theirs but also not a failure of mine for not being enough of something.

I wasn't ready for honest non-monogamy the first time it presented itself to me when I was 21. It was a disaster. I needed to extricate myself from the tangled web of social conditioning and the polluted pond of my own self-doubt first. And when I got back around to it at 28 and again at 32, I discovered that I'm still not 100% free of it. But I'm free of it enough to see where the soiled patches are to begin to clean them up, rather than being so mired that I don't know where to begin.

And that's one thing that I think non-monogamy ended up being really good for in terms of growth, at least for me. It's not that tired and incorrect trope of "[non-monogamous people] are [more evolved]," but rather "[some people who are evolved enough to know what they personally want/need and are willing to do the work to get it] are [people who want/need non-monogamy]." And then the unique challenges of non-monogamy opened my eyes to further ways to work to grow into the shape that I needed to take to successfully accomplish my goal.

It's kind of funny that after all that work and growth, I've lapsed into a period that the non-monogamy itself—the having of multiple partners—isn't the important part to me, but rather the freedom to pursue that if I want it is now the prize.

OK, back to work for me. I have rambled enough!

 

[Reverie]

I shared this post with Rider, and he responded to me with this (and gave me permission to share his words here):

I was going to say the feelings you expressed about functional monogamy within non-monogamy (as that is where we are right now) very closely reflect my own feelings at the moment.

I'm very happy getting to be with you and spend time with you, and even if I don't have an additional partner, I like the idea that I can be free to express attraction to other people without feeling weird and guilty about it.

But soooo content getting to be with you every night. <3 OMG. It's the best thing.

 

[OnceAndFuture]

It's not that tired and incorrect trope of "[non-monogamous people] are [more evolved]," but rather "[some people who are evolved enough to know what they personally want/need and are willing to do the work to get it] are [people who want/need non-monogamy]."

This is something that my wife, The Signal, struggles with. While I appreciate that books like More Than Two mean well, there is sometimes a streak of "poly people are more evolved and aren't led around by outdated social constructs" in them. It doesn't help anyone to declare that certain people are "less evolved" than others. The evolution is in that one is comfortable in declaring one's own stance on love and relationships.

It's kind of funny that after all that work and growth, I've lapsed into a period that the non-monogamy itself—the having of multiple partners—isn't the important part to me, but rather the freedom to pursue that if I want it is now the prize.

And this is where I stand now. I don't have another partner now, and it is entirely possible that I will never have another partner. I guess it's a little different in that I've started my identification as poly at this point. But especially at this moment, the ability to say to myself and other like-minded people "I am poly" feels more important than having another relationship.

 

[Reverie]

And this is where I stand now. I don't have another partner now, and it is entirely possible that I will never have another partner. I guess it's a little different in that I've started my identification as poly at this point. But especially at this moment, the ability to say to myself and other like-minded people "I am poly" feels more important than having another relationship.

I've identified as poly since about 2010, but for a long time, I was "a poly person in an officially monogamous relationship."

Now I am a poly person in an officially poly relationship with another poly person, but it's a relationship that circumstance has determined will be mostly monogamous for the moment.

 

[Reverie]

Hanging out with my first Magnet City OKC person last night was fun. So far, things are totally platonic with this guy, Simon, but I really enjoyed speaking with him. He is from overseas and has an accent and speaking voice that is pretty adorable but also a little difficult to understand sometimes, especially in a bar setting, but I assume I'll get more accustomed to it over time.

We spent a long time talking about poly. That is kind of a first for me: the whole "meeting up with someone and discussing poly stuff." The poly meetup I went to a couple of years ago was a game night and everyone was focused on the game and on trying to find dates. It was really interesting to hear how his relationship with his wife works, and to field questions about my relationship with Rider. We each talked about the ups and the downs, and what our biggest problems have been. I liked the conversation a lot and do hope to hang out with him (platonically) again.

Sparrow added me to the Facebook group for the meetup he goes to, and when I joined, I saw that two other members are OKC people I'd transferred over to my Facebook already. So I am getting plugged into the scene, I guess.

Today is a very busy work day, so I must keep this short, but I have tomorrow off to go handle my car registration and licensing, and after I get done with that, I am supposed to meet Kristof and hang out with him for a few hours before returning home.

 

[Reverie]

Soooo....Kristof.

That was a really cool first date. We met up in the afternoon, once I got my car registration taken care of, and grabbed a meal, happily chatting all the while. I was attracted to him at first sight. He has these warm eyes and is just overall completely adorable—even cuter in real life than in his pics!

After we ate, he suggested that we walk around a nearby college campus, and we found a grove of trees with a path winding through them, so we meandered along that for a while. We discussed poly and technology and animals and plants and all kinds of things. I was feeling so attracted to him that I kept being distracted by thoughts of grabbing his hand, but I didn't.

As the sun set, it got pretty cold, but I still had some time left before I was supposed to leave and meet Rider, so we ducked into a little place for some dessert and sat there talking and laughing some more. At the end, he gave me some amazing hugs, rocking me back and forth and we were just kind of sighing and breathing in each other's scents. I kind of wanted to kiss him but the setting was a little weird, so I'll save that for next time.

There will definitely be a next time. Both of us want there to be. When I think about being close to him I feel a warm squee begin to lightly spread through my bones, working its way up to make my ears burn a little. LOL.

The time and distance are going to be slight problems, I fear. He lives in an area that can take up to an hour to get to and from, depending on the time of day, since he is near a heavily trafficked freeway. And he is currently sharing a studio apartment with a recent ex, so even if I go there, it doesn't sound like we'd be able to hang out at his place.

And despite the fact that we work near each other he doesn't get out of work until nearly three hours after I do...I could kill time and meet up with him after he gets out of work, but where, and doing what? These are questions we will have to answer if we are going to keep seeing each other. It would be a shame to let logistics get in the way of pursuing a genuine connection.

Aaaaah! I really like him!

After I got back from my date, I channeled all the leftover frisson into jumping Rider's bones pretty much the moment I walked in the door. He appreciated that greatly and asked me if he should thank Kristof. LOL

We lay around chatting about the details of my day and my date for a little while before rallying to get ready to go out and meet friends who had invited us downtown to watch a band.

I got a new haircut yesterday—it had been nearly three years since I'd set foot in a salon!—and I enjoyed dolling myself up and showing it off. I got about six or seven inches of length cut off, got my blunt bangs re-cut (they were super grown out and I'd been trimming them myself for long enough that it was just...no), AND I also got the sides shaved with a line in each side so it looks very modern and kinda punk. I dig it so hard, and I have gotten lots of compliments.

I also killed time before my hair appointment with some thrifting. I got rid of so many clothes when we moved, and the climate here is a bit different than the one I left, plus I spend more days in the office than my current business-friendly wardrobe could currently support, so I needed to pick up a few things. I managed to score two pairs of colored jeans (grey and dusty pink), two nice work dresses, a cardigan, a couple of cute shirts, a velour hoodie, and a fuzzy faux fur vest all for about $50!

So I took my cute new haircut, a cute new outfit, and some dramatic makeup out on the town with Rider and his friends. We rode the train and had a lot of fun, even though drinks downtown are insanely expensive. We danced to the band, and I was cracking up because it was the first time I'd ever seen a '00s cover band. It's weird for there to be a cover band of a decade I was in my 20s for! Welcome to 35, I guess.

When the show ended, I was very tired. So much stimulation for one day! I actually fell asleep on the train on the ride home. I wasn't even drunk...there was a breathalyzer vending machine in the bar that you put a dollar in and then blow into and it gives you your BAC. Mine, at .05, was the highest of the group, but that is still under legal driving limit. It was an interesting experiment in how size effects BAC, as we'd each had two drinks and our BAC lined up exactly with our respective body sizes. Rider's was only .02, because he is huge!

We got home and scarfed some food and then went to sleep immediately. I was glad we'd followed Dan Savage's "fuck first" guideline—there was no way we were doing anything in that bed other than passing out.

Simon has been very solicitous in following up with me and suggesting more things to do for future hangouts. I told him I am going to be busy for the next few weeks, and it is true. I have so many plans coming up that I am hesitant to make more until I meet everyone I am scheduled to meet and figure out where everything fits.

Additionally, another OKC person who is in the poly Facebook group I joined (another one I'm leaning probably platonic toward) wants to get together at some point. I told him that my dance card is pretty full at the moment but it would be great if we turn up at the same event at some point and can meet in person. I'd love it if I got a solid base of poly friends that I could see all in a cluster at a large social event...maybe if I go to an event and like it, I can see if the organizers would let me invite Simon and his wife to the group. I bet they'd like to join, and it could be one way to compact my socializing.

OK, I am off to have fun with Rider. We're going to get some herb plants from Home Depot along with a few other things for the house. I created this hanging swag/pendant style lamp out of a cord, a bulb cage, an edison bulb, and this kind of steampunk-y pulley thing, and I'm going to get some extra-strength no-damage sticky things to attach the pulley to the wall. After that, we're going to go to the hip area he used to frequent in his youth, to walk around and maybe buy some more thrift clothes. And then we have our anniversary dinner! Two years! <3

 

[OnceAndFuture]

I'm glad to hear that the date with Kristof went so well! Also that there is another potential date on the horizon. So...how is that mostly monogamous life working out for you now?

 

[Reverie]

I'm glad to hear that the date with Kristof went so well! Also that there is another potential date on the horizon. So...how is that mostly monogamous life working out for you now?

We shall see! Hopefully things continue to go well on all fronts! The fact that I was about to start actively locally dating was the thing that inspired those long, rambling posts about poly and my place in it. Making a change to what has been the status quo (at least on my end) since Beckett ended things in late August made me want to do a bit of soul searching before diving back in.

And, to be honest, with Kristof, the logistics of finding a place and time to have sex are going to be...complicated. His sharing a studio apartment that is up to an hour away (with an ex, no less), my having only a one bedroom with Rider (and Rider pretty much always being here when I am here), neither of us being flush with cash enough to make getting a motel room a regular occurrence...it may turn out to be more of a non-sexual romance, at least for a while.

But I'm fine with that. At least for right now.

I guess I should be clear in that the "mostly" part has a lot of caveats to it. I was still having sex with Sam when I was able to see him; it was just rare. I do consider him a partner, however infrequently we interact, but his living a 3.5-hour drive away before the move, which would now be more like a five-hour plane ride, limited how much that could grow. There is real love there, though, and since he is Rider's best friend of over 20 years, he'll be around in some fashion forever.

And I've had occasional sexual-but-not-romantic interludes here and there the entire time, most recently with Allie, Aurora, and Pablo (who was mostly Rider's boyfriend but we did have the occasional threesome).

So by "mostly monogamous," it's kind of been how people who consider themselves "single" might still have the occasional date that ends in sex, or sporadic hookups with a FWB or something. We're totally open in theory, but I haven't had someone who was both local and a romantic interest for a while. The only one, really, over the course of my two-year relationship with Rider was Beckett, and that lasted one month and ended six months ago.

And I've been perfectly content with that, actually! So while I'm open to it changing, I'm also not champing at the bit. If things with all the new people turn out ultimately to be platonic friendship, I won't be disappointed. But if they turn out to be more, I imagine I'll be pleased. I've learned not to stake any kind of hope on it, though. I'll just interact with people and be myself, and things between us will be what they are. And because I'm in an open, poly-in-theory relationship, "what they are" could be anything!

 

[Reverie]

I was just IMing with Sam, and he's thinking of coming here to visit us next month sometime. There's a music festival happening nearby, and two of the bands that he and Rider are really into are playing. Fingers crossed that he can make that happen!

 

[Reverie]

Today is officially my second dating anniversary with Rider! We count it from the date of our first kiss, since we'd been best friends before that, and since we took our time getting to the sex part after the kiss happened.

I'll never forget that kiss. It was the most electrifying experience of my entire life. I still get thrills just thinking about it! It certainly is a much different experience kissing someone for the first time whom you've already fallen in love with over the course of many months of completely non-sexual non-date-pressure interaction and shared hobbies!

To celebrate our anniversary this weekend, we went on a sunset walk/picnic in a nearby park. We snacked on cheese and crackers and cheap, bottled sangria. Then we went to the dinner reservations that Rider had made at a vegetarian restaurant that was walking distance from our house. The waiter screwed up my order and gave us a second carafe of sangria free to make up for it, which was nice.

The whole thing was very romantic—just sitting across from him and gazing at his face, which I love more than anything in the whole world.

The day hadn't started out so pleasant, though. We'd gone to get some plants and household supplies from Home Depot, and we got a late enough start getting out of the house that we had to nix our original plans to walk around his old stomping grounds and do some more thrifting. Our dinner plans were at 7:00, and I did some quick calculating and mentioned that I thought we'd feel rushed if we had to go from place to place making stops. So I suggested the park at sunset as a more easily accessible backup plan.

At first, Rider was not upset by this. Until he suggested that we push the plan to the following day, and I reminded him that I'd told him I have to do outside work for my job the following day. Then he turned uncharacteristically pissy, whining that he'd wanted to do something with me, and how much it sucked that we'd left so late, and how we'd wasted our day already.

I was so confused! We'd gotten to sleep in a bit, which we rarely get to do anymore. And then I'd made breakfast and we'd watched a show, after which we had sex. And then I told him I wanted to kick back and finish my coffee while I posted in my blog, so I did. And then we got ready to go out. After I was ready to go, Rider was still fussing with his phone's SD card and his computer, so I'd waited patiently. All of these things were fine and/or necessary while they were happening. But piled together, their causing us to change plans had really upset Rider.

So I asked him, "Do you regret watching the show?" and he said that he did not; that it had been nice to watch it and have a relaxing breakfast. And then I asked, "Are you upset that I took some time out to write in my blog?" and he sort of avoided the question and said that he'd just been looking forward to doing stuff with me and now we didn't have time.

I was exasperated. "But we did stuff last night! And we're going to do more stuff tonight! And I know I have to work on Sunday, but that's just how it is sometimes—it isn't my fault! I still deserve to have a bit of downtime and engage in my writing on my day off!" And he was silent. Finally we arrived at the plant section of Home Depot and we got separated, and when we found each other again, he issued a huge apology for "being a jerk." I accepted it, and his mood rebounded instantly, and the rest of the day was amazing.

I haven't talked to him about it yet, but I can't help but wonder if his uncharacteristic pissiness was somehow related to my having had a good date. Like, all the sudden he was more worried about or sensitive to the idea of time scarcity. It really is very much unlike him to be perturbed about changes in plans or to be tallying how we spend every moment. The last time he was this particular brand of upset, it was when I was dating Beckett and we had to have a conversation during which he eventually conceded that, yes, I had a right to spend my time how I like, including on prep for hobbies that I would be participating in with people other than him.

So I wonder if his figuring that I was writing the blog update about Kristof (which I was) made the blog suddenly seem not something I was "doing for me" but something I was doing "about someone else" and therefore it bugged him that it cut into "our (his+mine)" time. I intend to ask him about it later, but I didn't want to pollute our anniversary time with processing, so I'll probably wait until Wednesday, when we have no other plans.

Either way, I have a very busy life, and I can't always carve time out of my workday (as I am doing right now) to update this. And I enjoy updating this. It has given me an outlet for regularly expressing myself in writing, which I had fallen out of the habit of doing for many years, and I had always regretted losing that habit. Sometimes, given that Rider and I live together, time that we are spending in the same space together will be time that we will spend engaging in our various separate creative pursuits. That's just how life is—or, at least, that's how my life needs to be in order for me to be happy. Our time spent in the same apartment together can't be constant face-time, or else I will never get any downtime for "me things."

And, you know, I get it. I go into work later than him and have a longer commute than he does. He leaves for work while I am still asleep, and he is home for two hours before I get home. On the weeknights we hang out, after I run and shower (provided I can muster the energy to do those necessary things), and after I cook (since I'm trying to save money and be healthier), we have only about three and a half hours before bedtime. And sometimes we don't hang out on weeknights. Sometimes we're scheduled to see other people. Sometimes I have extra work to do. So that causes an extra layer of importance to be added to our weekend time, and it causes an extra pressure for us to "do something" with that time, or to squeeze every last drop of together time out of the time that we do have. I really do understand that.

But, like, my longer commute is a bigger hardship for me. My needing to do extra, after-hours work for my job is a bigger hardship for me. My being the better cook, especially of healthy food, and so my being more likely to do the cooking of dinner (though he does offer, and though I don't mind so I don't complain) is another task for me to do.

And all of that leaves not a hell of a lot of time to do stuff for me that isn't a hardship or a "task." Whether that stuff is see someone else (platonically or romantically), or write, or practice my foreign languages, or organize my things...I do have to have a life outside of Rider and "stuff that must be done." And being an introvert, I do need recharge/noninteraction time that is not spent negotiating traffic on my commute.

I know he understands all of this. But I think that despite understanding it intellectually, it still might be difficult for him to process emotionally when I start hanging out with new people and he sees potential for more competition for my (already scarce) time. And so instead of expressing that, maybe he acts out a little bit.

That said, lest this anniversary post seem like a massive bitch fest, I am not really upset about all of this. I was exasperated in the moment, and I felt like it was worth explaining here so that I am not giving an overly rosy view of our mostly idyllic life together, but it was a brief storm in an otherwise very pleasant weekend.

I am overall very pleased with how everything turned out. We went in 50/50 together on a nice record player for a combined v-day/anniversary present, and we chilled together yesterday and watched some shows while I got some of my more monotonous/brainless work done. We had really good sex twice yesterday. I planted rosemary and thyme and purple basil and catnip and a jalapeño to join the mint I'd planted last week. And I used some of that flourishing mint to make juleps!

This weekend, I also managed to get off from sitting on Rider's face, which had never happened before. He really likes having that done, but usually I can't quite relax enough in that position. But this time, I found that if I support myself enough with my upper body on top of the headboard, I can relax my lower body enough to get there. So hooray for an orgasm in a new position! Our sex life is starting to get back to its pre-moving-stress glory, and for that, I am very thankful!

Another thing that happened this weekend is that I got the last things unpacked and organized, which has done wonders for my overall sense of well-being. I organized the hall closet, which has been thwarting my being able to find important things since we arrived. I set up a shelf over my desk so it's not a tangle of awfulness all the time. And I finished bunnyproofing the bedroom so our fuzzy little guys can hop around in there to their heart's content.

Tonight we have plans to work on some music. Supposedly, the guitar he bought me is arriving today. I am excited and a bit nervous. I have not ever played a six-string guitar left-handed before, only right-handed when I was very young. Hopefully my two years of work on the bass have set me up for some success, but imagining how the chords go is tying my brain in knots.

I've been feeling pretty encouraged lately about music, overall. It helps that two established local musicians who are friends of ours but who had not heard our music yet both responded favorably, and one even praised my voice. I am always surprised to get compliments on that because I feel like I am not very good. I guess I am getting better all the time. Now to find the time to practice more...I wish there were 48 hours in every day!

 

[Reverie]

The discussion of rules/boundaries/guidelines over in a couple of the other threads has got me thinking about what mine and Rider's are that we've negotiated over the course of our exactly-two years together.

When we started off, we had only two:

1. Safer sex (unless specifically negotiated otherwise)

2. Communicate with total honesty and assumption of good intentions on the other person's part

Over time, as we learned of each other's various trouble-triggers, we identified a few more:

3. If you've previously identified someone as "totally platonic," give your partner a heads up if that seems to be changing—don't hook up with someone you previously ruled out without giving notice so that it doesn't totally blindside them. Similarly, when at all possible, try to keep your partner in the loop about your new interests. If it's infeasible at the moment (striking while the iron is hot), informing afterward is an acceptable substitute. This is not to give a chance to object or veto, but only for informative purposes.

4. If one partner has to stay home from an event they were looking forward to (due to illness, emergency, etc.), don't start a new relationship with someone at that event, as it tends to stoke envy and make the partner feel doubly bad about missing out. You can exchange info with a person and take up the connection later if it is worth pursuing.

5. If there are big problems currently happening in one or more of your existing relationships, devote your energy toward resolving those problems or to amicably dissolving the relationship(s) before taking on additional partners; i.e., do not make the "relationship broken, add more people" mistake. (This does not mean jettisoning existing "outside partners" if problems begin.)

6. Since we live together, give each other fair warning before inviting people who are not already family-level close friends into personal spaces like the bedroom, giving your partner a chance to clean up things they might not want a stranger or mere acquaintance to see, such as dirty laundry, evidence of kinks, books recommended by a therapist, etc. This also applies to not sharing things like (non-STI-related) medical information or family problems with someone who is not close-friend-level enough that we'd naturally share that info with them ourselves.

7. If one partner is suffering from stress or insecurity due to a new partner, a request can be made to take reasonable measures to prevent visual reminders of the "sexual" component of the other relationship from intruding into their peace of mind. "Reasonable measures" include not leaving the room a "sex tornado" with sex toys all scattered around, or not engaging in play that will leave heavy bruising that lasts for days on the front side so that it is visible during face-to-face sex. Not included in "reasonable measures" are non-sexual things like gifts, shared hobby equipment, basic evidence that someone has been around (hair ties, beauty products, clothes, non-sexual pictures), etc. Basically, it is keeping exchange of info about your sex life on the level that you'd share with a family member or coworker until your partner has had time to work through their issues.

8. If there is a specific thing that we've planned to do together "someday" (we keep a running list of these), check in before doing that thing first with someone else. For example, there is a band that Rider really wants us to see together someday and has been keeping an eye out for them going on tour. If someone else beat him to sharing that with me, he'd be very upset. Likewise, I have a particular attachment to the drive-in theater near where I grew up, and I've been talking about taking him there forever. If he happened to meet someone else from that same area and went there with them first, I'd be quite butt-hurt about it.

9. We check in with each other before firming up plans with other people because we keep a joint schedule and both of us have terrible memories. Even tentative plans are listed in there with a question mark. This stops us from accidentally overwriting existing plans and hurting each other's feelings or another partner's feelings by having to cancel someone's plans. This is as simple as saying to someone "let me check my calendar and see if I'm free that day."

10. We (separately or together) don't date jerks or extreme separatists. If someone is rude or shitty either to the person they are dating or to/about their metamour, they may get a second or even third chance to see if they were just having a bad day or struggling over a particular issue, but if it's clear that they are not a kind person or if they are not compatible with a poly setup where everyone is bound to run into each other sometimes or need to be at the same events sometimes—if they can't buck up and play nice—then they are not compatible with the person they are trying to date, and that person is likely to end it. It isn't about veto—the metamour is not the one who decides to pull the plug—it's about each partner, as an individual, having decided that that style is best for them as an individual, and about happening to be compatible because we share a preference for that style. If that preference changes, then we may no longer be compatible, with the understanding that that new incompatibility may result in the dissolution of our relationship.

----

Our boundaries (we call them "guidelines" because, to a one, they are still open to negotiation if a special circumstance arises) are specifically designed simply to be kind to one another and treat each person how that person prefers to be treated, rather than placing any restriction on an outside relationship.

So there is no "you can't do that with another person." There is only "it would be less stressful if you could move that activity to a different combination of date/time/location in the world/location on the body, so let's all compromise and all be able to do the things we want in the least stressful way possible."

There is no limiting the way that the other relationship can grow or what form it can take. If fluid bonding is an issue? Get everyone tested, promise to be safe outside the chain of testing, and discuss it—including what will happen if a pregnancy results. If there's an extenuating circumstance where a one-off chance would get totally missed if these guidelines were followed to the letter? Do what you can to mitigate the damage by remembering the spirit of the guideline and communicate about it ASAP so it can be worked through without turning into a resentment.

Our freedom and our autonomy to have every experience that we want to have in our short primate lives is at the heart of our relationship. We have a commitment to working out our problems together, since every relationship has problems, but we will make every effort do to so without it being at the expense of someone else's autonomy or emotional well being. I think that nothing kills love faster than resentment, which is easily kindled by removing someone's autonomy, or making them feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, or "making" them hurt someone else that they love.

I didn't really understand the dynamics of that until I'd been in all four positions: the "new shiny" who was starting to date someone in an established relationship; the "poly plaything" tossed aside for a more serious mono relationship; the "old familiar" who was suddenly getting less attention when a "new shiny" came along; and the "hinge" who suddenly felt like there was no way to keep everyone happy and still save some energy for myself.

These guidelines may yet (read: will probably) change and evolve even further as we get more experience in poly dating...as I date locally without the time constraint of staring down a moving deadline for the first time...as Rider explores his bisexuality even more...as our relationship ages to outlast any long-term relationships we've had before...as poly consciousness makes its way even further into the mainstream, opening up the dating pool. Who knows what lies ahead!

But I feel like, for now, they are pretty effective to keep us conscious of being kind to ourselves, while also not insulating us so far that we are inadvertently unkind to others. Debate welcome, since everyone seems to be in the spirit of that right now!

 

[Reverie]

Also, having shared this and my post over on O&F's blog with Rider, we discussed how it was kind of a fitting tribute to our relationship to have thought so much on our anniversary about our relationship's inception, rise, low point, and then the work we did laying the track that brought us to the present. We had a very interesting discussion:

Rider: That sounds about right. I hadn't seen the "rules" spelled out like that yet, but I think those are on point.

Me: We'd just discussed them over the course of various conversations, and I have remembered them. Though I was actually surprised to discover that there were 10!

Rider: Yeah, I didn't expect there to be that many.

Me: But they're all really mild.

Rider: They are pretty soft. There's nothing that is really restrictive in there. All of it is up for discussion, too.

Me: Some people I've read about have veto or rules like "no overnights" or "not allowed in our house." All of ours are, like, just be courteous and thoughtful of each other's feelings.

Rider: People that work with rules that are so harsh are potentially slipping into control patterns of each other's behavior. Thanks for sharing the things you wrote with me. I'm certain that you and I are on the less-jealous end of the spectrum for poly people. I suppose some people need those kind of hard rules to feel comfortable, or maybe to pretend to be comfortable. At a certain point, that's just monogamy plus. To be fair, there's nothing wrong with that if that's the sort of relationship model a couple wants. There isn't a right model and a wrong one. There's just "wrong for me."

Me: Well, that's where opinions in the greater community seem to differ. Because then you have to ask "what about the rights and happiness of the 'other person'?" Like, if you and Claire had set up a veto, where she could approve who you could or couldn't date...then to stay true to your "rules" with her, you may have had to dump me out of the blue, not over anything I'd done. And if I were already in love with you, that would have the capacity to hurt me (the other person) greatly.

Rider: Yeah, that would have been insane.

Me: Basicallly it's an argument about treating people outside of "the couple" as an object or a sex toy to be dumped on a whim if someone gets uncomfortable. And people do that.

Rider: Yeah, they do. My general rule is that a person has to get along with you since you're my best friend and wifey. <3 But it's different than a veto vote. That's just a personal standard I try to hold myself to.

Me: Well, yeah. It's less about "you have to be this way or I will dump you" and more about "this is how I conduct my relationship and you will be made aware of it from the outset, and if you can't be kind and civil to the people I care about, we are not compatible and shouldn't get together in the first place." Like, our romantic relationship aside, I wouldn't date someone if they were a dick to my friends or refused to ever come out and hang out with everyone. And you're one of my friends!

Rider: Exactly. Thanks for coming up with solutions and "speed bumps" when we find we have lizardy bits.

Me: You're welcome. It only makes sense!

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

And, you know, I get it. I go into work later than him and have a longer commute than he does. He leaves for work while I am still asleep, and he is home for two hours before I get home. On the weeknights we hang out, after I run and shower (provided I can muster the energy to do those necessary things), and after I cook (since I'm trying to save money and be healthier), we have only about three and a half hours before bedtime. And sometimes we don't hang out on weeknights. Sometimes we're scheduled to see other people. Sometimes I have extra work to do. So that causes an extra layer of importance to be added to our weekend time, and it causes an extra pressure for us to "do something" with that time, or to squeeze every last drop of together time out of the time that we do have. I really do understand that.

I so feel you on this. Other than me being the one who leaves and gets home earlier, it's the same at my house. Weekends are so precious... And yet sometimes the pressure to MAKE THE MOST OF THE WEEKEND just leaves us both exhausted and cranky

Also, I loved reading your guidelines... I'm going to go write mine... Will be a quick read

 

[Reverie]

Also, I loved reading your guidelines... I'm going to go write mine... Will be a quick read

Haha, yeah, almost nothing I write is ever a "quick read"; I have this penchant for detail to make sure I'm saying exactly what I mean, and it tends to result in verbosity.

 

[Reverie]

My official anniversary with Rider was very nice. Despite having a bit of neck pain that turned into a tension headache, I had a good time. Rider brought home a bottle of wine, and I made a nice, healthy spaghetti squash dinner, and then we traded massages (as he was also having neck pain), and we spent some time with the new guitar.

It's a very pretty guitar! I am so happy to have it and I thanked Rider about a million times! Finally I can learn chords again, but left-handed as I was meant to. I suck right now, but I can only get better, right?

After I wore my hand out on the guitar, we did some originals that I only sing on, and then went outside to smooch under the anniversary full moon. Which led to hot sex when we got back into the house. I'm so lucky. I find Rider so freaking attractive!

On poly fronts, I firmed up my plans for Thursday with Karina. I'm going to meet her for vegetarian food, and then she said maybe we could take the train downtown so she could show me around.

And I made a second date with Kristof for next Tuesday. Oona has decided that my coming over on Tuesday nights wasn't as convenient as she'd hoped, since I arrive so late after work and we get only a couple of hours together. So we're going back to commute conversations and seeing each other on weekends.

Which frees Tuesday up for dates! And seeing as how Tuesday is the main weeknight that Kristof has off work, it suddenly opens up a bit more possibility there. It still doesn't answer the question of "where would we have sex" if we indeed ever reach that point. But it does answer the question of "when can we ever hang out"! Eeee! I am excited!

We've been messaging a little bit, just for planning purposes (no real flirting or banter in between), and I can definitely tell that he is sweet and thoughtful. Smart, sweet, thoughtful, AND sexy? Le sigh! LOL

I guess, now that I have a second date scheduled with him, I should discuss him a bit more. Let's see...he's another hot ginger—Rider has given me a persuasion influence, I fear... . He's younger than I am, but not enough to where the difference is awkward in conversation. He does compassionate, helpful work for a living (similar to what Jake does). He's got one long-term (non-cohabiting) partner, and one other burgeoning new interest. He's a relationship anarchist and has been doing poly for several years at least. He's about on the same level as I am, kink-wise. And he's interested in things that I also find interesting, so we have good conversations. In short, he seems pretty fantastic!

It seems like he could be a good candidate for the exact category of people that I'm looking for: people I'm attracted to and could feel a genuine romantic connection with, who are in a setup where their busy-ness and relationship structure are such that they would be happy with the casual level of time commitment that I can provide. Basically, "big feels, small schedule slots."

I'm also stoked that he and his newest interest are members of the poly group that Sparrow invited me and Rider to join. That means that we can all hang out together. My life just feels endlessly cool sometimes! THE BEST LIFE YET!

Tonight, Rider and I are supposed to have friends over, the same couple we hung out with last Friday night (totally platonic). They are old college buddies of Rider's (and Sam's) who I first met at Sam's place in 2014 when they were visiting from overseas. They are living back in the US again now and have been staying here in Magnet City (where they used to live before moving overseas) for the past month, but they leave to go to their new permanent city on Monday. This will be my last chance to see them before they leave. Should be fun!