The Best Life Yet

Hiya Reverie! Thanks for the yearly update, it's always great to read what you have to say, I appreciate your honesty and candor.

I also think in one post you've inspired us to learn more about how to use this web format better! I didn't know you could add tags and hidden text lol.

All the very best for your medical investigations; I'm very sorry for your losses and I wish you the best in future attempts.

As a sex ed teacher via the science curriculum, god do I wish I could show pictures such as these. I managed to get away with "the great wall of vagina" because it was an artwork, but I'm pretty sure word would get back to parents if I used any type of photographs, even a medical chart, and I'd be in front of the principal for a "please explain" quicker than you can say Jack Robinson.
 
@Evie Thanks for your kind reply! The spoiler button is a gem. It's in the formatting bar under the three dots near "table," if you have trouble finding it. I like the new format. At least on my laptop. It's a bit annoying to me on mobile. I still lurk like once a month or so to catch up on the people I was following here, though fewer and fewer of them post anymore. I spend most of my web-friend time hanging out over on "Oh My Dollar" finance forum these days, haha. It's helping me with my journey to financial health the way that this place helped me through my poly journey.

It's a shame that parents and principals are so uptight about parts of the human body presented in a "for learning" context. I wish when they asked you to "please explain," you could say that everyone deserves to know about the infinite variety in human parts without having to encounter them firsthand. And that that would be an acceptable answer and you could just go on your way. The taboo on human body parts is so mysterious to me. I hope the situation changes one day, though I am fighting enough other battles that I can't make that one mine.
 
I'm so sorry to read about your miscarriages. That's heartbreaking. And I know how big a deal conception is to our perceptions of ourselves as women/adults/humans. Sigh...

Otherwise, I'm glad you've been doing so well this year, this sucky past year. Dustin sounds like a great housemate/partner, your skills are well-balanced. I call it Established Relationship Intimacy. It's the best! NRE is so deceptive and fleeting.
 
It's great to hear from you. Your life sounds (mostly) lovely these days and I'm sending positive thoughts to you for a "third time's the charm" baby.
 
@Magdlyn yeah, sometimes I feel like a defective animal, basically. I know it's silly, but I do. I feel like any ol' alley cat can have some kittens, any butterfly can make some caterpillars, and here I am, a healthy, stable, well-partnered human mammal, and I'm struggling. It's hard sometimes.

@icesong Thanks for the well-wishes! It is mostly lovely. I do miss my family and traveling, but I am getting my first shot next week, so hopefully all that is not too far past the horizon!
 
An interesting poly-adjacent development occurred that led me to thoughts of posting here:

I don't know if those of you who used to read me here remember Cherry. She was the girl I was just starting to date who was there the night I met Dustin, and I'd broken off dating her to try to simplify my poly life because Dustin was struggling so much with poly. Cherry and I transitioned to a really good platonic friendship in the intervening years, even traveling internationally together a couple of years ago. So, recently, she was at my birthday party and then a few weeks later was also at a dinner party we attended. I always have such a good time talking to her, and said as much to Dustin on our drive home from the dinner party.

And he got a little curious about my relationship with her and asked how far it had gotten—at the time it was happening, he had very vehemently not wanted to hear any of it—and I told him that we'd only been seeing each other for a couple months and hadn't ever had sex, only made out. The night that would have probably been the first time we would have had sex was actually the night I chose to break it off with her because I felt so emotionally conflicted and couldn't go there knowing what was in my heart.

And then he said, to my astonishment, that he thinks she's cool, and if I ever did still want to have sex with her, he wouldn't mind. Now, I actually hardcore "friend-zoned" her in my mind just to survive that time and don't even think of her in that way anymore, so I don't really want to. But it's super interesting to me that he said that.

We've been together for about 4.5 years and have been really happily monogamous that entire time. From time to time, we kick around the vague idea of threesomes, but I'm more interested in FFM and he's more interested in MMF so it's never actually happened. It's a stretch for me to think of another guy that I might like to fuck—I'm really picky, I have to feel some kind of spark there to even want to do it, and a spark can so easily turn into a crush, and a crush can so easily turn into NRE, and NRE can so easily unbalance my brain that I am just not interested in doing anything that could possibly overpower the deliciously wonderful but subtler "ORE" I currently have going on. And he feels the same way—he's said that to want to involve a woman, he'd have to at least like her, and if he liked her, he might be tempted to call her up even when I'm not around, and that could lead to emotional disaster.

Believe it or not, in all this time I've been with Dustin, there have been only two other guys I've been remotely attracted to—situations where I thought to myself that I would let myself have a crush on that person if I were single, but since I'm not, I'm not going to play with that fire. But I do sometimes miss being with women sexually. It's just a different vibe, and I don't fall for women romantically, so it's not relationship-dangerous in that way. If not Cherry, maybe there's some other woman he might eventually be comfortable with me having a sexual connection to. IDK, food for thought.

In other news since my last post:

I had a third miscarriage, and a battery of blood tests diagnosed me with an autoimmune blood clotting disorder that was probably triggered in my system by a virus I had as a teenager. It's been five months since the last miscarriage and there have been no more pregnancies, despite daily aspirin and scads of supplements and using ovulation strips and temperature tracking and special lube and progesterone suppositories the last week of my cycle. We might end up spending our house savings on IVF soon.

I'm halfway through grad school! In another year and a half, I'll be done. I'm doing very well and so many people have told me how well I am cut out for the work I'm trying to do. I start my internship in less than two months and have a research project scheduled next semester with a renowned researcher. At least there's one area of my life where effort results in success. ::casts side-eye at uterus::

Job is fine. Cats are fine. Apartment is fine. Friends are fine. Family is as crazy as ever but more or less fine. I currently have a wicked cold (not COVID—I was tested) and am glued to my bed, but I work and do school from home, so I'm glued to my bed a lot of the time anyway.

I hope y'all are likewise fine! I'll check back in if this interesting inkling turns into News of any kind. Right now, it's just a curious exchange that seemed worth noting.
 
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