Explaining the desire for multiple partners to a mono

[aussiekate]

Like YaH and her poly boyfriend, your husband may never really "understand" your blossoming poly desires, but can he "accept" them? And that would be the most basic sense.

That was a conversation we had last night.

I said that I can't understand why he wants to give me cunnilingus, because I'm not attracted to women. For years, I didn't enjoy it, and felt self-conscious about receiving it; I thought it was gross and he couldn't be enjoying it.

Eventually, I had to accept the evidence: he told me he loved it, he looked like he enjoyed it and wasn't grossed out by it, and so I just accepted it on face value, and learned to spread my thighs and relax and enjoy it.

I asked him to try and accept that whilst he doesn't feel the need to have sex with anybody else, that I do, and it has nothing to do with him being inadequate, or wanting to exclude him from my sex life (which is something he's feeling acutely), or wanting to hurt him, and I asked him to examine the evidence of every other action of mine over 24 years, and see if there was any evidence that I wanted any of those things.

I don't know how well that's going to work, but it seemed to give him pause. (He's more of a thinker than a feeler.)

 

[FallenAngelina]

....whilst he doesn't feel the need to have sex with anybody else, that I do, and it has nothing to do with him being inadequate, or wanting to exclude him from my sex life.....(He's more of a thinker than a feeler.)

His experiencing no desire whatsoever for any other person, ever, is seeming to be more and more important for you to recognize as being usually.....I don't want to say repressed, but certainly indicates a good degree of unease around allowing sexual feelings to flow. Most people are monogamous (or strive to be) in their behavior, yes, but most couples experience attraction for others at times - the frequency obviously depending on the individuals. That your husband has zero sexual feelings outside of your relationship added to what you say above makes me wonder if he is fearful of what your poly expression could unleash in him. The old, what we can't tolerate in others is what we fear most about ourselves. I imagine that if he is not so much a feeling person, to the point of not being able to have any sexual thoughts about anyone but you, ever, then he is sitting on quite a sexual and likely emotional powder keg which your poly-talk is in danger of igniting. Of course, it's always best to get this kind of thing out in the open, but I can easily see why he is fearful of doing so.

I hope these thoughts are helpful for you in understanding your husband and why he might bristle at your exploration. I'm not meaning to judge him or you at all, but to offer an insight into his struggles with accepting your sexuality.

 

[aussiekate]

That your husband has zero sexual feelings outside of your relationship added to what you say above makes me wonder if he is fearful of what your poly expression could unleash in him. The old, what we can't tolerate in others is what we fear most about ourselves. I imagine that if he is not so much a feeling person, to the point of not being able to have any sexual thoughts about anyone but you, ever, then he is sitting on quite a sexual and likely emotional powder keg which your poly-talk is in danger of igniting.

An interesting theory, FallenAngelina, which is definitely worth exploring.

He is quite insistent that my feelings are abnormal and bordering on pathological... almost to a "methinks thou doth protest too much" extent, which makes me wonder if there's not something to your theory.

He's from a family who are expert at "if you just keep stuffing your feelings inside and not expressing them they'll go away".

He was also quite heavily into Christianity as a teenager, to the extent that he briefly considered become a Minister. And whilst he's now quite avowedly atheist, some of the indoctrination - around sex "contaminating" a woman, for example - is, I think, still there.

So this is definitely worth keeping in mind, thanks.

I hope your theory is right - I'd be delighted for him to discover that he's poly, too!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I hope your theory is right - I'd be delighted for him to discover that he's poly, too!

Glad some of my thoughts might help you (and him) understand him better. My theory isn't that he's poly so much as that he has much more to his sexuality than he allows himself to feel. There is so much variety and "poly" is just one way that a person can express himself sexually. "Sex contaminates a woman" sounds like rather extreme indoctrination to me and if he has this kind of teaching in his background, no wonder he can't allow himself to "see sex" in women. It's just (hopefully) helpful for you to recognize the extent of his repression. I admire your coming forth as you do with your own sexuality, given how uncomfortable that might be for him.

 

[aussiekate]

"Sex contaminates a woman" sounds like rather extreme indoctrination to me and if he has this kind of teaching in his background, no wonder he can't allow himself to "see sex" in women.

I probably make it sound more extreme than it is. He was completely OK with the sexual partners I had before him - which included one of his closest friends, who was one of the groomsmen at our wedding, so he's not *that* close-minded - but he's said things like "I just don't know if I could have sex with you again or how I'd feel about it after you'd had sex with another man". Which suggests to me there's a lot of psychological baggage hanging around that sounds a lot like it relates to concepts of "contamination" / "purity". Anyway, I've asked him to explore this with his counsellor.

 

[sdguitarguy]

Which suggests to me there's a lot of psychological baggage hanging around that sounds a lot like it relates to concepts of "contamination" / "purity".

I have a roommate (let's call him Les) who is single and monogamous. He is generally open minded but he has expressed some ideas that make me think the contamination idea is common to guys in general and not specific to religion per se.

The opinions ahead are Les' not mine. Sorry in advance for some of the crudity.

While Les is happy to date several woman at the same time, he will not date women who are dating other guys. He's expressed real disgust at the thought that any of them may have fucked recently by another guy. There seems to be an expiration date of several days on that tho.

He knows that I'm poly which he thinks is cool but his first question was whether my partners were seeing other guys.

From that and other discussions I've had with him, I guess the idea is that he might, y'know, be contaminated by the cum of another guy which, to him, is really gross and disgusting. IMHO, it's an extension of (what I perceive as) Les' mild homophobia.

My point is not that your husband is homophobic but that this idea of "contamination" is common among a lot of men.

 

[aussiekate]

From that and other discussions I've had with him, I guess the idea is that he might, y'know, be contaminated by the cum of another guy which, to him, is really gross and disgusting. IMHO, it's an extension of (what I perceive as) Les' mild homophobia.

My point is not that your husband is homophobic but that this idea of "contamination" is common among a lot of men.

Yeah, I wondered if that was it, too. Yet my hubby is much more open to the idea of an MMF threesome, so ...

We humans are definitely complicated creatures.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

I'm not sure if you covered this earlier in this thread - how long ago did you tell your husband about your desire to live a poly life?

I know that every mono partner responds differently to the news.

I started a thread asking how long mono partners took to accept this, and the consensus seemed to be about a year.

Possibly he just needs some time to adjust to not only the idea but also to accepting that this is who you are, what you need.

Although we are early in our (my) possible poly awakening, I am finding that taking it slowly, loads of talking - both seriously and light heartedly are helping us draw closer, share more and helping him feel more comfortable with both my sexual fluidity and the poly concept.

(My husband is also a big thinker)

 

[aussiekate]

I'm not sure if you covered this earlier in this thread - how long ago did you tell your husband about your desire to live a poly life?

I told him about my desire for sex with other men about 6 or 7 years ago and still haven't acted on it. So, in one way, I feel like I've shown extraordinary restraint.

On the other hand, he feels like he was only hearing an interest in casual sex / swinging until a few weeks ago - I disagree that that's the message I was sending, but I don't think that's particularly relevant now - and for him, this is now a completely new ball game, and for him, we're only a few weeks in.

Yes, I'm wishing I'd been much clearer years ago as I feel very frustrated that, from my perspective, I've been building up to this for years, and that time's been somewhat "wasted", working towards the wrong goal.

But it is what it is, and we're now working towards the same, clearly defined goal.

 

[kdt26417]

Hopefully he's at least somewhat accustomed to contemplating nonmonogamy in general.