Mono, new to poly, need a little help

CTF said:
I feel it important to ask what happens if he comes to the determination that he simply cannot go through with it, period? Is this something you're truly willing to accept and forgo, or is it something that you're determined on pursuing, with or without him?
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It's not that I'm "determined on pursuing" it, so much as I feel that it's an inherent part of me that I'm not sure I can continue to repress indefinitely without it damaging me.

I don't definitively know the answer to this question yet, and I'm seeking my own counselling, but my suspicion is that the answer is that if he simply can't be happy with me expressing this aspect of myself, that it's likely that we'll have to find happiness separately.

We would both be devastated if this were the outcome.
 
aussiekate said:
It's not that I'm "determined on pursuing" it, so much as I feel that it's an inherent part of me that I'm not sure I can continue to repress indefinitely without it damaging me. My suspicion is that the answer is that if he simply can't be happy with me expressing this aspect of myself, that it's likely that we'll have to find happiness separately. We would both be devastated if this were the outcome.
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I understand that completely. And please know that I'm not asking with any sort of attempt to persuade you to give up on that expression. In my case, my wife had told me that she's not insistent on pursuing it. And since I am very adamant about keeping our marriage closed, she is extremely willing to keep it that way. Every marriage/relationship is different. Some are more open to the idea than others.

If it's any help, I'd have to say that him being comfortable with you engaging in cybersex online would hint to the notion that he's not as closed about it as I am. I would freak if my wife did or wanted to do that.

Good luck.
 
Mono husband trying to handle wife being poly

I've been with my wife for 8 years in a mono/mono relationship. But a month ago she told me she wanted to bring another male into our marriage. I wasn't too shocked at first, because the other male has been a close friend of ours for 9 months. It wasn't until she told me they'd had sex that I just shut down. I now have dreams and sexual images of them together. I also feel I have lower self esteem due to this. She does reassure me that she still is in love with me, but I can't help but feel left out. I just want someone to talk to that has successfully been through this.
 
We'll be happy to help, sometimes you just need a listening ear.

What's the worst part about this?
 
Michael7bodom said:
I've been with my wife for 8 years in a mono/mono relationship. A month ago she told me she wants to bring another male into our marriage. I wasn't too shocked at first, because the other male has been a close friend of ours for 9 months. I now have dreams and sexual images of them together. She does reassures me that she still is in love with me, but I can't help but feel left out.
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I am sorry you're going through this. While I definitely recommend you start your own thread so people can see it and weigh in I'll start here.

You say you'd like to talk to someone that has successfully been through this. What is your definition, at this point, of "successful? Is it a transition to a poly relationship where the affair partner stays in the mix? Is it healing from the affair with your wife, and returning to a mono relationship? Or another configuration?
 
kdt26417 said:
We'll be happy to help, sometimes you just need a listening ear.

What's the worst part about this?
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For me, it's not really knowing his true intentions. I sometimes wonder if this is a game to him, or he really does want a long-term relationship. I also fear that I might become the third wheel in all this. She says I'm the primary, but I don't completely feel that way. I also experience a lack of confidence in and out of the bedroom. I'm typically not much of a crier, but this month I've broken down 4 times.

I really do love my wife with all my heart. I'm only 27 years old and I have a whole life ahead of me, but I do want to spend it with her. I also keep trying to find ways to spend time with her, but I feel she doesn't put in any effort to talk or go out with me. I even tell her this. We do go out on weekends though, and it does help. I work nights, so spending time with her is a big deal to be.

Any ideas for things I can do with her to make the most of it? It is just really hard to let her be with another guy. I don't know if I'm just overthinking the situation or not. When we're all together, everything is great. But the insecurity and jealousy comes when I'm at work or trying to sleep.
 
Re:
"I sometimes wonder if this is a game to him or if he really does want a long-term relationship."
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Have you met with him privately to discuss his intentions?

Re:
"Any ideas for things I can do with her to make the most of it?"
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Spend time with her at times when you are both relaxed and can focus 100% on each other. No distractions.
 
No I haven't, and right now wouldn't be a good time to discuss what's going on, because he's dealing with a current loss. My wife tells me the whole thing might be on pause due to what's going on with him.
 
Wow, whatever this loss was, it really knocked the wind out of him.
 
There is a cautionary tale hiding here...the worries of the gf/wife being with another man are understandable from a biological standpoint. But it has to be said, "allowing" additional partners when they are female and can service your fantasy could be frowned upon. There are a lot of men out there who claim poly so that several women can fulfill their sexual needs, but then some of those men have a problem with those women they are attached to having any other male partners. This is one sided and won't facilitate poly lifestyles for very long.
 
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