Married hubby & Wife, she has BF, flirt, sex, then Poly?

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Travelingcouple

New member
We are a Married couple 23 years, she is 45, he is 51. Youngest child is 21 living at home. She was cheated on In Her first marriage leaving her a single mom. We are a professional couple with a huge local network of friends and colleagues and lots of family. She participated in a few hot wife type activities over the years which were mostly one night stands. It was never really her favorite thing. One night about 5 weeks ago she started to flirt with a random guy unexpectedly at a local watering hole. This went on for a few nights. They exchanged cell numbers. They met a few times on their own building the relationship. With my approval and knowing they had sex. The relationship grew unexpectedly. They had sex again. They suddenly developed feelings for each other and she can't stop.

The relationship developed under my watchful eye, she was embarrassed and afraid to tell me about it, I had to ask and she admitted it right away. They had a few non sexual encounters that I wasn't completely aware of at first but she told me about them. They had extensive cell and text interaction over the weeks. This was kind of a quasi cheat on her part but not totally due to my encouragement and allowing her the freedom. We initially intended on them having sex maybe once every 1.5 to 2 weeks however she needs the ability to see him more often. It is physical and emotional. She can't stop. I can't lose her. She's torn and is struggling. She's confused. She doesn't want to hurt anyone (him or me or our family). She continues to love me. She doesn't want to end our marriage. She has feelings for him. He has feelings for her. He is aware of me, we've met and have hung out. He understands my position with allowing her to have sex with him (since I suffer from Erectile dysfunction and that I love her enough for her to have the freedom).

My heart was crushed with her allowing her heart to be taken. We talked and talked and talked extensively about all of this. Lots of overnight crying and heart to heart discussions about our feelings, what's changed, what hasn't changed, and where exactly our hearts are. I'm an open book with her and she has been brutally honest with me. I told her to be honest and not to hold back, she kept saying that I don't want to know this stuff, she struggled with being so honest and telling me about these things. My understanding without getting mad at her surprises her.

They have a strong unexpected attraction in these short 5 weeks. She feels that she needs to be able to continue with this BF (rather then cut him off) to be sure that she doesn't throw away something great.

We came up with the possibility of a plan where no one would get hurt. She really struggles with going public with the arrangement and hurting people. Right now there are only three people who are aware of this arrangement, me, her, and the BF.

We agreed for her to have more flexibility with her time with him, keeping me totally informed. She wants to split her time more equally between him and me. She will continue to come home with to me but she will have more spotaneous moments with him. No secrets and full disclosure. She won't have to hide texting or calling anymore either. All of this takes a lot of preassure off of her keeping her from going crazy.

She says that she believes that this could be a perfect long term arrangement for all of us if the BF is open to it. She will talk to him about the same. He has feelings for her, he is not jealous of me but he is envious of me. She believes that if she can be with him more frequent times then she won't miss him as much and vice versa.

This is us bouncing into Poly (I think). Any thoughts of further conversations that we need to have?
 
I'm confused as to why this relationship would need to be taken public. It's nobody's business outside you three. Just because she's having feelings for this new BF doesn't mean she can't or won't love you anymore.
 
Travelingcouple said:
This is us bouncing into Poly (I think).
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Sounds like poly to me. :)
You give a lengthy description of your wife and her BF and how they feel about each other, but little mention of your feelings. I agree with AJM that it's premature to even be thinking about taking this public (whatever that means for you) and focus more right now on how you feel. You seem to be open to your wife having two loves and that is poly for sure. What is your question, exactly?

Maybe you're looking for community, people who have been there. Everyone here knows what you're talking about and has experience with poly in various ways. Poly can be a beautiful thing. We see people come here every day who start out with a "play only" agreement and then are surprised when attachments develop. I'm not sure why that's such a surprise. That's the effect Mother Nature planned for sex to have on people.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Sounds like poly to me. :)
You give a lengthy description of your wife and her BF and how they feel about each other, but little mention of your feelings. I agree with AJM that it's premature to even be thinking about taking this public (whatever that means for you) and focus more right now on how you feel. You seem to be open to your wife having two loves and that is poly for sure. What is your question, exactly?

Maybe you're looking for community, people who have been there. Everyone here knows what you're talking about and has experience with poly in various ways. Poly can be a beautiful thing. We see people come here every day who start out with a "play only" agreement and then are surprised when attachments develop. I'm not sure why that's such a surprise. That's the effect Mother Nature planned for sex to have on people.
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1. @AJM: it's not that we care to take the relationship public now, but she (a) doesn't want to be obvious when she is in public with him and (b) during her confusion, as she describes her mind is like a roller coaster, she has a "separation" or "divorce" fear which would ultimately go public with friends and family. I've never personally mentioned either of the two , although since she has told me about how close she has gotten with this BF (which was not intended by either of us) she is surprised that I'm not mad at her and is wondering why I'm not asking her to pack up and leave. I WAS CLEAR that I was surprised and scared at how far the relationship has gotten and that since it would be nearly impossible to reel this thing backwards at this point that we could consider embracing it and allowing her to continue to ride the roller coaster and continue keeping her updates and our conversation strong.

2. @Fallen: my feelings are that I love my wife deeply and that I had a fetish of seeing her with other men. We experimented over the years a few times with one night stands. I enjoyed but she wasn't a big fan of it. She said that she didn't have a chance to make any connection and that the sex wasn't as good. She felt like she was pimped out, made her feel trashy.

This BF is a nice guy who treats her right. He's more bad boy blue color and rough around the edges type. Recently divorced. His ex got the house and the kid. He's not exactly what I would've picked out for her but she REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKES HIM A LOT. She tells me that it's all surface attraction as it's a strong physical attraction and she really enjoys his excessive sweetness and excessive compliments about her. (She truely is a find for any guy). I'm not totally comfy with him yet, he sighs when I appear unexpectedly but he tries to be conversational and buys me drinks (probably to get me to stay longer) so that he gets to see her longer.

I was surprised at the "strong feelings" they developed because she agreed to control it and keep it at bay. But yes, I do understand about Mother Nature, I just worry a lot about her jumping ship for him now. We are generally a very happy couple. We do have two major stressors in our life that we've been managing pretty well. After the feelings were out of the box her attitude toward me changed a little which worries me. Her texts were less frequent and vague, she avoided my calls, she was beginning to keep secrets. I did make her feel at ease and told her to stop hiding, just text him and call as you need. I can tell that she's attempting to stay in touch with me a little better but I think that her head is either In La la land, or she's avoiding on purpose because she thinks that I will derail her plans. I don't intend to, but she does switch up her plans often from what she initially tells me. Whenever I ask she feels that I'm monitoring her.

So what am I asking the community? I guess I want to know if folks like us can do this or is this a setup for disaster? .... (Based on my description).

Yesterday afternoon I dropped her off with him to hangout for the evening. She told me that expected to be home but informed me with an 11pm text that she was staying out. I was ok with her staying out but sending a text that late I feel is questionable (that was the first and only text that night).

Am I being too strict? Is she too loose with me?

I'd like to keep it going but I'm getting nervous. I notice she's getting a little colder with me and gets defensive when I ask questions. I try to give her the freedom and I keep calm never getting mad (although she's quick to put words in my mouth and say I'm mad about xyz). I'm not sure how to take it, do I give her more space or do I get firm about rules (which will agitate her).

What should be beautiful for both of us is feeling more one sided to me.

Idk, maybe I need to pull the plug. Any thoughts?
 
Hello Travelingcouple,

It sounds a little like you're afraid that if you don't pull the plug, you'll lose her. (He'll steal her away.) I think that if you were going to lose her, it's something that she's already decided to do, at least subconsciously, and it really doesn't have much to do with the boyfriend one way or the other.

I basically recommend letting her have the freedom, but there's at least basic courtesy you can ask for, such as, "Please don't text me at 11:00 p.m., text me sooner if you are staying out."

Would she be willing to go with you to see a poly-friendly counselor, and, if she wouldn't be willing, would you be willing to go and see such a counselor on your own? This way you would have some professional help in addition to what you can get on this forum.

FWIW, I don't think your marriage is on the brink of destruction, though of course I could be wrong. But also, some fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy, so if you get carried away with fear that could cause more problems.

I'll follow your story and let you know if I can think of more to suggest.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I think that if you were going to lose her, it's something that she's already decided to do, at least subconsciously, and it really doesn't have much to do with the boyfriend one way or the other.
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A common question my SO & I used to get (individually) was, "Aren't you afraid that she/he is going to find someone else & leave?" Our answer was was pretty much what you said.
 
From both your posts I get the impression that you want to know every single detail of their (wife+BF) relationship.

The relationship developed under my watchful eye, she was embarrassed and afraid to tell me about it, I had to ask and she admitted it right away. They had a few non sexual encounters that I wasn't completely aware of at first but she told me about them.
...
keeping me totally informed
...
No secrets and full disclosure.
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I don't think that is actually a good idea. Wife has a relationship by now with BF, they are having sex - I assume you have agreed on safer sex practices to follow. Now In my opinion it is a time to let (wife+BF) handle their relationship and the details within it by themselves.

You should be concentrating on (you+wife) part of the equation. Also, you should agree on basic logistics such as schedules. I agree that texting about a schedule change at 11 pm is too late and not really polite anymore. Figure out a schedule that you all can agree to, and stick to it.

I was surprised at the "strong feelings" they developed because she agreed to control it and keep it at bay.
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You two have a history of hotwife fetish which she did not enjoy. Based on that experience she might have thought that keeping feelings at bay is no big deal. On this forum no one is surprised that they happened. She is now living her life like she wants to and not fulfilling your fetish anymore.

I notice she's getting a little colder with me and gets defensive when I ask questions.
...
What should be beautiful for both of us is feeling more one sided to me.
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You were expecting to hear all the sexual details of this like before? You were expecting to get "your goodies" out of your wife's adventure? Now... she has developed a relationship with her BF and wants some privacy within that relationship. My advice is: let her have it. The goodies you can end up having about embracing poly fully is that your wife will be happier - truly happier and not happy in a way that you imagined.
 
Thanks for all the replies,

Last night she came home very late at 1am. I had no update about it, I just had to lay there wondering. I didn't dare text her because I know that she feels that I'm monitoring her at this point.

Upon her return (I was partially asleep in bed), she woke me as I requested in a note.

She was very "matter of fact" about some of her business. We talked a little about that. Then she was ready for sleep, she turned her back to me and says goodnight. That's it!

I then gently asked for her to turn and went for a kiss, she resisted slightly and went for only a little one, I pulled her a little more and she resisted more saying "what?",

I said "thAts it?" "What's going on"

All of this lead to her describing that she wants even more time with him and less with me. She's discovered a different side of her that she's transfixed on. She stays out late to avoid coming home where she feels stress, as opposed to being out there with him she feels free and happy. She can't justify any of it, she claims that it doesn't make sense. She said that her mind is opened up and now realizes some of the problems at home that she wasn't aware of before. She doesn't want to hurt me and especially is not ready to go public with her leaving me, she just wants freedom right now. She still has a love for me but the attraction of this BF is too strong.

I asked if I have any say in this? After all we are 23 years into this and she replied no. That it's all about her.

She really wasn't able to talk at length and she was getting annoyed because she needed the sleep due to a morning meeting. I had to hold back as much as it was killing me.

She's planning on leaving. She's held up a bit because of his living arrangements won't allow for them to be together right now. I'm not sure how long that will last.

I'm desperate and at a loss.
 
Oh shit! NRE overload!
 
AJM said:
Oh shit! NRE overload!
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Not really. This sounds like what bajillions of couples go through and it's called realizing that you need to move on. "Poly" has become a palatable phase for a lot of couples that are taking their time moving from one mono relationship to the next. Maybe she will take up seriously with the BF and maybe she will stay with you, OP, but it sounds very much as though your wife isn't interested in a poly life after all, but has simply found a new relationship - not exactly an affair because everything is out in the open, but she clearly is feeling a strong preference. That's not "NRE overload," that's being overwhelmed by the realization that she has found a much more preferable partner. This is an open affair that may or may not break up the marriage.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Travelingcouple,

It sounds a little like you're afraid that if you don't pull the plug, you'll lose her. (He'll steal her away.) I think that if you were going to lose her, it's something that she's already decided to do, at least subconsciously, and it really doesn't have much to do with the boyfriend one way or the other.

I basically recommend letting her have the freedom, but there's at least basic courtesy you can ask for, such as, "Please don't text me at 11:00 p.m., text me sooner if you are staying out."

Would she be willing to go with you to see a poly-friendly counselor, and, if she wouldn't be willing, would you be willing to go and see such a counselor on your own? This way you would have some professional help in addition to what you can get on this forum.

FWIW, I don't think your marriage is on the brink of destruction, though of course I could be wrong. But also, some fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy, so if you get carried away with fear that could cause more problems.

I'll follow your story and let you know if I can think of more to suggest.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I hope that it's not on the brink of destruction. She's basically saying she needs time to test the waters on the other side to see if it could work permanently.
She loves me but really likes what she sees and feels on the other side.
She says it may not be as great as it appears and I'll be back.

It such a huge risk for me. I have a difficult time bearing it.
I feel I need to at least try to stop this before she makes the jump.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Not really. This sounds like what bajillions of couples go through and it's called realizing that you need to move on. "Poly" has become a palatable phase for a lot of couples that are taking their time moving from one mono relationship to the next. Maybe she will take up seriously with the BF and maybe she will stay with you, OP, but it sounds very much as though your wife isn't interested in a poly life after all, but has simply found a new relationship - not exactly an affair because everything is out in the open, but she clearly is feeling a strong preference. That's not "NRE overload," that's being overwhelmed by the realization that she has found a much more preferable partner. This is an open affair that may or may not break up the marriage.
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Yes exactly and I'm going to attempt to derail it somehow.
This is not what we intended at all.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Not really. This sounds like what bajillions of couples go through and it's called realizing that you need to move on. "Poly" has become a palatable phase for a lot of couples that are taking their time moving from one mono relationship to the next. Maybe she will take up seriously with the BF and maybe she will stay with you, OP, but it sounds very much as though your wife isn't interested in a poly life after all
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FallenAngelina, I think you're right that this is common - but (imo) that doesn't make it any less shitty. Treating your current partner as a fall-back in case things don't work out with the new person is seriously cruel :mad:

(Unless you and the current partner agreed to that ahead of time, obviously, but that is not what's happening here.)

Travelingcouple, you may not be able to stop your wife from wanting/needing to see how things play out with this guy. If your wife wants to emotionally and physically check out of your marriage, thats her choice. You have a choice to put up with it, or explain that she needs to either work on the marriage or leave.

Being in a poly relationship means putting time, energy, and effort into ALL your relationships.
 
Wellll....

On the one hand, yeah, she is withdrawing. I think it's a sad reality of a lot of mono marriage relationship things, long term cohabitating really in particular, that all of the stress of life (which, by the by, isn't going anywhere!) is tied to life in the company of your significant other. A lot of baggage gets attached. Some of that might be fair, but a lot probably isn't.

It's why one of my boundaries after leaving my ex (which I'm in the process of now) is that I do NOT want to live with any lover or let any lover live with me. I want to maintain my own household from now on. I will deal with life's burdens, without making any loved one a part of them, except as moral/social support. My issues will be mine. Theirs will be theirs, ultimately. I don't know if that is unrealistic, but I'm going to try it.

I honestly don't expect that her relationship with this new guy is going to be a "happily ever after" kind of deal. If she ends up serious with him, and especially if she moves in with him, things will eventually change and I think it will fall apart. Cold, hard reality, and happy-butterfly-NRE stuff don't tend to work too well together in my experience. Right now, he is an escape from reality, and supportive of her, but if he becomes PART of her day to day reality and they have to actually function as a team?

I can tell ya one thing though. My ex used to say it was ok if I had a relationship with a woman, and expressed an interest in "watching." That entire idea squicks me out bad. I like women. I don't mind being with a woman. But I never would have done it to appeal to his jollies. That would have grossed me out. I'm not porn. I'm a person. And anyone I'm in bed with, is also a person. Yet somehow it's different now, when I play with Fire and Hefe, or Fire and Hefe and Analyst. Because those two men know me as a person, and they know Fire as a person. There is a genuine sort of enjoyment of just spending time in one another's company, that makes me feel that it's not just playing out a fetish for their amusement.

I'm sorry that she is being withdrawn. I have a feeling that her thing with the BF won't work out. The question that affects you is a separate one. Whether she even wants to be with YOU anymore or not. If she really does not want you as a mate any longer, then it doesn't matter if she's got someone new, or not. She is not an object that your rival's hand is picking up and taking away from you. She is making her own choices.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

I don't think there is an awful lot you can do in this situation but to start thinking about how to best take care of yourself. In your shoes, I would give her the freedom she wants - I wouldn't cling to her or try to convince her to stay in a relationship with me. However, I'd also let her know that I wouldn't be waiting for her, and I certainly wouldn't be promising that she could move back into the marital home should things not work out between them. If she wants to leave and be with him, then that is exactly what she must do. Leave.

Be amicable if you can, but it's alright to have some firm boundaries. The first of mine in your case would be that she moves out to give you some space to start to heal. I might not rush into divorce quite yet, but I'd only be prepared to delay proceedings until the financial side of things had been discussed, and I would want to start discussing those things - with or without a lawyer - pretty quickly. Even if I didn't file the paperwork right away, I'd want to draw it up so that both of us were clear about how things would end. Even if she decides this other life with him is not for her, and you decide that you still want to be with her, things are going to be very different between the pair of you. Having an exit plan in place would give me peace of mind should the worst happen.
 
I think my approach would be more like...

Pursue this if you wish to pursue this. See where it goes.

But, unless you are ready for me to be out of your life, treat me with the respect that I deserve, regardless. If you are ready to move on, let me go with some dignity. Now. If you still have an investment in our marriage and do not feel ready to put the kaibosh on it, then don't be a jerk.

And then work out the things that are reasonable for you to ask for in the relationship that you have with her.

Recognize that the relative open-ness of your marriage is not a thing that exists to serve your kink, and that she has validity to her emotions. Most of the time when something like this happens, one does not get into it with a plan to catch feels or not to. It happens or it does not. But sex with a meaningful connection behind it makes your wife feel like a meaningful person. It builds her up. Casual sex does not make her happy. It tears her down. If you can be open, you should be able to appreciate that she is doing a healthier thing for herself, rather than one that hurts her but pleases you.

It is disrespectful to your feelings, when she minimizes the time she spends with you, to maximize the time she spends with him. It is disrespectful to your feelings when she cuts off the flow of intimacy to you. It is disrespectful to your feelings, AND your place in her life when she is simply gone whenever, with no communication to you. I don't necessarily think this needs to be a stifling level of play-by-play, but it's considerate to say, "I have plans on Friday night, I'll be out late." Or, "please don't wait up tonight, I will be out." Not at 11PM, earlier than that, so that you can plan your evening. It isn't fair of her to assume you have no plans to make, no life to live. But make sure the expectation isn't so restrictive that you're treating her like a teenager who has to check in. She might not know exactly what time she will arrive home..."late" should be enough. The flipside of that is that there are things she probably should NOT share with you. The details of sex, besides issues of safety, should maybe not be shared.

Again...if she's going to be in a relationship with you, there does need to be respect. If there isn't, then it's time to seriously think about ending it. Relationships don't survive once respect is really lost.

And it's been my experience that the jealousy family of feelings come from a couple of root things (for me at least)...insecurity - "I have no idea where I stand with you. I am questioning things." and scarcity - "I do not get enough of your time/energy/attention/affection to sustain my needs."

I think that poly works best when the people involved have security and feel that their needs are being met.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from Travelingcouple):


She told you that?

Re (from Travelingcouple):
Yes, she said she's trying to arrange away that she can test living out of the house or at least spend way more significant time with him. Now she has no significant income for rent, he's paying alimony and child support and gave his house to his ex. He lives with family.

You can of course try, that is one of your options. But what if you succeed, and she ends up in a state of long-term resentment?
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Agreed, I need to let her go unless she is still on fence and conflicted enough to day enough of this insanity.
 
Jeezh, that sounds like a mess. :(
 
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