Hello, I just broke up with my partner of 2+ years. We had spoken about both being curious about open relationships and/or poly. Unfortunately, the relationship between us as people was fraught with difficulties. The relationship became abusive and eventually, I believe that the desire to move on into open relationships/poly became a way to avoid dealing with the fact that we had a lot of unresolved issues between us and a lot of issues as people; in fact, it was only brought up (by her) when we were going through moments of intense conflict. The final push came with an unraveling of the issues, of communication, boundaries, intimacy, etc, that had marked the relationship, and in the last two months the abuse (emotional and physical to the extent that intimacy is physical, physical aggression never appeared) escalated and I believe that she cheated on me (we had not entered into an arrangement where we both agreed on flirting, seeing, or having sex with other people, I strongly believe she had sex with someone else).
These last few weeks, I've done a lot of soul searching, of experiencing the feelings that the break-up has triggered, which include both a sense of relief and of guilt, of mourning and grief. I've tried to understand how we both got this place, me having developed co-dependent traits and she having developed or expressed traits which are associated with narcissistic personality disorder. But I've also tried to understand what polyamory meant and means to me, because after all this is done, I will be moving on, and I want to have better relationships in the future, which involves understanding what polyamory means to me.
I just read in some other thread that polyamory is a choice, and I agree. I think that the interest in other people, either emotional, intelectual, affective, physical, spiritual, will always be there, in different degrees, but what we make out of that constitutes our choice. And I want to understand what goes into making that choice. Because in this relationship I experienced poly as something that arises out of the fact that people get bored of each other, that they are no longer stimulating, that the familiarity of an intimate relationship makes it habitual and so uninteresting; of course, I can intellectually grasp that this had to do with this relationship in particular, and the fact that my partner and I were the people we were and established particular dynamics, but in my emotions, I feel that the interest in other people had to do with a waning interest in me. And I am left wondering, is is that poly becomes a choice because boredom is inevitable? When I ask myself what I want out of the people that surround me, or the person with which I intimate, I've always answered myself that I want to build stimulating relationships, in emotional, intelectual, physical terms; I've always thought that sex, for example, can be experienced in such a way that you maintain a strong, stimulating bond.
And I do recognize that in many points in my life I've had a strong connection with someone, under the agreement of exclusivity, and had simultaneous feelings for other people, not only sexual, but also of intimacy, etc. But it seems that never have I experienced those feelings, in practice, not making someone hurt, feel taken for granted, etc.
I guess I am sorta scared, moving forward, that people just fall out of touch with each other and the way to deal with that is by introducing other people. Or that differing needs cannot be negotiated in a relationship, that they cannot lead to a stronger bond, and that people must be solely responsible for themselves and serve those needs through other people. Y'know what I mean. I guess that up to this point I've felt more comfortable in mono arrangements, and I've always imagined a relationship where the bond is such that it becomes a constant work in progress, full of communication, negotiation, but that such dynamic is erotic, energizing, nurturing, rather than a drag, or something that weighs heavily on the people involved.
Im sorry if I am making a mess out of what I am saying. I'm trying to explore what I feel and think and it is not always easy, especially since poly is something both new to me and something that I just had a negative experience with. Hopefully some of what I've said will stimulate interesting responses from the people in this forum
These last few weeks, I've done a lot of soul searching, of experiencing the feelings that the break-up has triggered, which include both a sense of relief and of guilt, of mourning and grief. I've tried to understand how we both got this place, me having developed co-dependent traits and she having developed or expressed traits which are associated with narcissistic personality disorder. But I've also tried to understand what polyamory meant and means to me, because after all this is done, I will be moving on, and I want to have better relationships in the future, which involves understanding what polyamory means to me.
I just read in some other thread that polyamory is a choice, and I agree. I think that the interest in other people, either emotional, intelectual, affective, physical, spiritual, will always be there, in different degrees, but what we make out of that constitutes our choice. And I want to understand what goes into making that choice. Because in this relationship I experienced poly as something that arises out of the fact that people get bored of each other, that they are no longer stimulating, that the familiarity of an intimate relationship makes it habitual and so uninteresting; of course, I can intellectually grasp that this had to do with this relationship in particular, and the fact that my partner and I were the people we were and established particular dynamics, but in my emotions, I feel that the interest in other people had to do with a waning interest in me. And I am left wondering, is is that poly becomes a choice because boredom is inevitable? When I ask myself what I want out of the people that surround me, or the person with which I intimate, I've always answered myself that I want to build stimulating relationships, in emotional, intelectual, physical terms; I've always thought that sex, for example, can be experienced in such a way that you maintain a strong, stimulating bond.
And I do recognize that in many points in my life I've had a strong connection with someone, under the agreement of exclusivity, and had simultaneous feelings for other people, not only sexual, but also of intimacy, etc. But it seems that never have I experienced those feelings, in practice, not making someone hurt, feel taken for granted, etc.
I guess I am sorta scared, moving forward, that people just fall out of touch with each other and the way to deal with that is by introducing other people. Or that differing needs cannot be negotiated in a relationship, that they cannot lead to a stronger bond, and that people must be solely responsible for themselves and serve those needs through other people. Y'know what I mean. I guess that up to this point I've felt more comfortable in mono arrangements, and I've always imagined a relationship where the bond is such that it becomes a constant work in progress, full of communication, negotiation, but that such dynamic is erotic, energizing, nurturing, rather than a drag, or something that weighs heavily on the people involved.
Im sorry if I am making a mess out of what I am saying. I'm trying to explore what I feel and think and it is not always easy, especially since poly is something both new to me and something that I just had a negative experience with. Hopefully some of what I've said will stimulate interesting responses from the people in this forum
