There's something I've been meaning to post about all week, but I haven't, because I'm a little ... ashamed, maybe? But, fuck that, I need to process it and write it out.
I realized something important when I was out at dinner last week, listening to Dag and Andy talk about work. They both manage pretty big groups of people, and they were talking about ways to push people to grow in their careers. Both guys are of the "show the initiative and ability, and then you'll get rewarded" school of thought, and they're beyond frustrated that they have people on their teams making 150k+ who are coasting along doing the bare minimum - and then bitching that they're not getting raises or promotions.
One thing they mentioned was that you have to know your team members well, and know who is in a good place to take on new challenges, and who isn't. As in, sometimes people have a ton going on in their personal lives, and need to be able to coast at work for a while. This was all just said in passing, but it has echoed in my head all week. "Some guys on my team have health issues, or their wife has health issues..." "Her mom's in the hospital, so obviously she needs to worry about that first..." "His wife is 8 months pregnant and they have a special needs kid starting school..."
Look at the consideration we give to certain relationships - spouses, parents, kids. There was no "her friend is having issues" or "the woman he's casually dating is sick". No one batted an eye when I took a month off work when Andy was hospitalized for foot surgery. But if I'd said I needed leave because a friend was in the hospital? Not the same. When I had complications weeks after surgery last year, Andy flew home cross country immediately, and the company covered the money it cost to change his ticket, no questions asked. When Steph got injured while he was traveling, he didn't have that. It was wait or pay to get home yourself (and deal with a pissed off boss because you didn't finish your week of meetings).
And it goes beyond emergency level stuff. Andy can go in hours late to work with the "had to drive my wife to drop off her car for an oil change" excuse. Dag leaves early anytime his wife has an appointment and he needs to watch the kids after school. We just take that stuff for granted - that the whole world bends a little around family obligations. That's not even getting into things like my being able to handle Andy's 401(K), or Dag dealing with his wife's medical bills.
I've always known my need for a partner related to the many situations in life that require a support person. Everything from a ride home from dental surgery, to buying soup when you're sick, to holding your hand when you're sad, to celebrating when you're happy. But I could never quite put my finger on why I needed a *partner* for that. I have great friends, and they would be (and frequently are!) there in those ways. Why do I need an Official Designated Person for that stuff?
A big part of it, I realize now, is the societal stamp of approval. The universal acknowledgment of the importance of a relationship. Asking a friend is not the same as asking my husband - being there for me is much easier for my husband, because our world accepts and expects that. I happily pinch-hit for my friends' life partners when they can't be there - but could I be the every day, every time support person for a friend? I'd damn sure try, if someone needed me to, but it would be harder than being Andy's default person. I've noticed that Steph is relying more and more on her daughter to fill that support person role, instead of Andy or Jen. I have wondered why - but I bet there are fewer questions and headaches when it's your daughter in the waiting room, instead of your best friend.
It's hard for me to admit all this - I feel like I'm supposed to be a Strong Independent Woman
Someone who doesn't need a partner to feel secure. But we ALL need other people sometimes. And for me - yeah, it's a huge deal that everyone around me expects and supports my husband being there for me. Not just our family and friends, but the boss at work, the receptionist at the dentist, the customer service guy at the bank. It's simpler. Easier. Maybe I'm just lazy, lol.
I am glad, though, that Dag and Andy's chat sparked this train of thought. I've always wondered why having to rely on friends and/or non-escalator partners for life stuff freaked me out so much. A big part of it really is the difference between asking my husband and knowing the rest of his life will bend to accommodate, vs asking several friends, and hoping one of them can be there without causing a huge inconvenience in some other part of their life.
