The story of Spork.
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Spork
Active member
Oh, yes. In addition to the wide array of "pervertables" (everyday objects repurposed for pain or sensation or stimulation play of some kind) the overall genres of what I've seen at parties and workshops have been:
Stuff I don't do:
Roleplay such as age play or pet play
Medical or blood play, including needles and cutting Humiliation/degredation/objectification (mind fuckery)
The full range of power play from D/s to M/s
Waterboarding and other kinds of more extreme "interrogation style" scenes (rarely done.)
Stuff I do (to some degree):
Fire play
Electrical play (usually violet wand, sometimes TENS)
Wax play
Impact (whips, canes, floggers, spanking, paddles, crops, etc)
Bondage (rope, tape, etc either suspended or not)
The range of nipple/genital stuff (from stimulation to torture, CBT, clamps, etc)
Massage (yes, we often have massage at the parties, sometimes with an expert, sometimes with just a lot of people massaging one subject)
Sensation play of other kinds, such as the pinwheel
Past those general categories, anything else I've seen has been a combination or adaptation of the above.
I've always had a fascination with fire and electricity. As a kid, I was conducting my own experiments, building some basic electrical gadgets and experimenting with the burning of different chemicals and substances to see what kind of flame would result. I was generally fairly safe about it, at least for an sneaky and unsupervised kid. I made a few minor mistakes here and there but never caused any serious damage. As an adult, I'm fairly determined to do a TON of learning before I get into topping for fire in any meaningful way. I've done a little bit. But my paranoia is pretty high. I really don't want to hurt anyone. Electrical play with a violet wand is actually fairly safe, so long as the equipment is functioning properly.
My back is healing up very nicely. Doesn't hurt at all now. The lady who owns the RACK Room up in Denver, Saskia (she's actually a minor celebrity, so I don't mind outing her here by name, she most certainly wouldn't mind--she's been interviewed for tons of stuff) made me that burn balm and I'm really impressed with how well it's worked.
I finally did get my thoughts together enough to send a message to the lady who caused the burns, with what I hope was constructive and non offensive feedback. We'll see how she responds. I have a few concerns...we're still in the "few days post event" window, which means she could still be having drop if she experiences that. Emotional vulnerability. Which could cause her to become more upset by this than I feel it warrants. And then there's also the fact that, particularly with fire, a stong dose of ego is involved. Reason being, those players who have been doing it in the scene for years are considered reputable experts, and not many people hold that distinction. Furthermore it's a very "show-off" flashy sort of skill, so many of those who do it already have the personality where they want to stand in the spotlight. You'll often see one fire player talking crap about another, some of them don't want new people to really learn the skills and step up there into doing it, and there's usually only one person at a party (if that) who will be doing fire, and they're tremendously popular and busy topping person after person all night. Add to that, the fact that the BDSM scene is one where reputation is critical, and these folks are known by all and few in number. So imagine now, having to break it to such a person that there were some unintended results...she's going to be worried about her reputation as a safe player at the least. And rightly so, since some bottoms will make a huge drama out of such an incident. I tried to reassure her that I'm in no way interested in shit-talking or gossip about her, very few people know the details.
It's a touchy business.
In poly news, I had a lovely date night with Hefe involving some fantastic Italian food and fun sexytime last night. Yay!!
opalescent
Active member
I'm so glad your back is healing nicely! I also bottom for fire play and have taken some basic fire top classes. Fire is one of my favorite things.
I feel so sad to read how hesitant you are to communicate with the fire top about what happened. Not sad at you (if that makes sense) - just sad about the state of things. Tops desperately need to know when things go awry so they can learn. It's concerning to me that you had this kind of layering effect of things that went wrong - not cleaning away unburned mousse before doing the next thing, not using the actual fire cups, and then doing some major league moving them around. (The most sadistic fire tops I know rely on powerful and rapid pulling of fire cups to create lots of pain.) It wasn't a one off mistake but the entire scene was not structured enough around safety.
She really needs to know this happened and the consequences. And if the first thing she is concerned with is her reputation and not the damage done to you, then she has shown you what kind of top she really is. One more concerned with the performance and how it looks to an audience than with how the bottom is doing, with what the bottom is feeling. That's a scary top, in my opinion.
It's not that good tops never make mistakes. Good tops fuck up sometimes. And fire is an especially unforgiving medium. But good ones desperately want to know if something went wrong, was unpleasant or unwanted so they can learn and do better the next time. And apologize for the error.
It's terribly sad that the local fire community has such backbiting and unwillingness to learn from each other. That is a really unsafe social attitude.
I really hope she shows you that she is worthy of her reputation by listening and learning from your experience with her.
I totally agree with Opalescent, sure reputation will be a concern but playing safe comes first. Actually, as for how many mistakes you have listed, it seems like she needs a wake up call.
But maybe bdsmwiki is just being really scary.
I am not sure if there is actually any fire subculture in bdsm in my country. I am sure playing with fire appeals to people, but I certainly didn't see it as a topic in the local club or anything like that. Otherwise I've done at least a little from most cathegories (electricity doesn't appeal much, and same with clinic - I got one needle stitched into me, I'm not sure if that counts). On top of the described, we've attended one "water bondage" workshop and it was a lot of fun
Oh, now I had to look up waterboarding too and I am pretty terrified people actually play with that
But maybe bdsmwiki is just being really scary. I am not sure if there is actually any fire subculture in bdsm in my country. I am sure playing with fire appeals to people, but I certainly didn't see it as a topic in the local club or anything like that. Otherwise I've done at least a little from most cathegories (electricity doesn't appeal much, and same with clinic - I got one needle stitched into me, I'm not sure if that counts
). On top of the described, we've attended one "water bondage" workshop and it was a lot of fun
Spork
Active member
Yeah I'm really hoping that she takes the feedback well, I made very sure that both owners of the club who have reached out to me today know that I hold nothing whatsoever against her, certainly nothing against the club, I'm not remotely upset and no lasting harm has been done. I just think she needs to know, and adjust her technique and equipment a little bit there, accordingly. Let them know that I sent her a message, and that I'm not scurrying around the community talking shit about the woman or trying to affect her reputation. That's a pretty serious business here, and I honestly think that she's lucky that I am NOT the kind of person who would eagerly take to the rumor mill with this (some in the scene are really into their little dramas.)
She deliberately left the mousse on, and was trying a technique of tapping into it with one of those cotton ball/hemostat combos in place of a wand like you'd use for fleshing or heating cups. The problem is...when you're doing fleshing with alcohol, you'd be blowing out or wiping down the flames pretty much immediately. She was introducing burning alcohol into the liquid remnants of the mousse, both heating that liquid AND putting fire there that she maybe thought was just burning the mousse, but was probably burning alcohol, and not putting it out right away. That's where the 2nd degree burns came from. I think that she was trying to get more traction out of the mousse by trying a new thing that she'd probably done with no ill effect on her arm before...but it just didn't go so well.
Then of course the matter of the wrong cups/deep suction/moving them around aggressively...on skin that was already burned.
And then the main issue too, being that tasting events we go do at bars in town are supposed to be just a very minimal sort of tease, not a full scene. While I don't think she did the thing that burned me on anyone else, she did do the cupping and the moving of the cups, and more than one other person reported deep tissue pain in those areas and serious bruising the next day, which I also had (not just the regular hickeys, but my whole upper back was like one big achey knot of deep pain.) This is the part that the club owners will be addressing with her...that stuff was too intense for tasting night at the bar, with all the newbies to the scene, people are drinking...tops are supposed to keep it dialed down for good reason on those nights.
So yeah. Honestly I just don't know her very well, it's one of those "stop pre-worrying when you don't know that there will even be an issue" kind of things. And I need to learn to speak up for myself better. I'm the one who will go hungry rather than complain about my food being wrong at a restaurant usually...I hate to make a scene or a fuss. Somewhere along the way I internalized some "shut up and cope" programming, and I need to break that down.
Spork
Active member
GODDAMMIT.
It's snowing again. IT'S SNOWING AGAIN. Colorado, I love your colorful skies and your rugged landscapes, your fun but sensible people and your quirky mountain towns. But your weather is bullshit. Even Iowa winters have the sense to be over with by now. Of course in the spring they get to deal with tornados up there, but that is NOT THE POINT. I am completely fed up with bits of inconvenient white bullshit falling out of the sky.
Enough already.
...
Zen is back in town after being gone a week to visit his Dad. We got to spend a few hours together last night at my place. I streamed the latest Game of Thrones episode, which I hadn't yet found time to watch, and then we watched the remaining episodes I hadn't yet seen of the old BBC series of "Hitchhiker's Guide." I actually was able to get used to the weird and cheesy effects on Zaphod's second head (which I actually prefer to the movie version's presentation of that concept...but I'm still not convinced that the whole "third arm/second head" thing isn't just a dick joke)...but I still feel that Martin Freeman was a far more perfect choice to play Arthur Dent. I didn't like Trillian being presented as a ditzy blonde either. But Ford Prefect was awesome in the show, very well done.
And I wish...oh, how I wish...that I could see the scene with Vroomfondel and Majikthise, the arguing philosophers who protested the Deep Thought project...played by any two members of Monty Python. I could SO see Eric Idle or Michael Palin playing Vroomfondel. "I demand, that I may or may not, be Vroomfondel!" God it would be glorious.
It's snowing again. IT'S SNOWING AGAIN. Colorado, I love your colorful skies and your rugged landscapes, your fun but sensible people and your quirky mountain towns. But your weather is bullshit. Even Iowa winters have the sense to be over with by now. Of course in the spring they get to deal with tornados up there, but that is NOT THE POINT. I am completely fed up with bits of inconvenient white bullshit falling out of the sky.
Enough already.
...
Zen is back in town after being gone a week to visit his Dad. We got to spend a few hours together last night at my place. I streamed the latest Game of Thrones episode, which I hadn't yet found time to watch, and then we watched the remaining episodes I hadn't yet seen of the old BBC series of "Hitchhiker's Guide." I actually was able to get used to the weird and cheesy effects on Zaphod's second head (which I actually prefer to the movie version's presentation of that concept...but I'm still not convinced that the whole "third arm/second head" thing isn't just a dick joke)...but I still feel that Martin Freeman was a far more perfect choice to play Arthur Dent. I didn't like Trillian being presented as a ditzy blonde either. But Ford Prefect was awesome in the show, very well done.
And I wish...oh, how I wish...that I could see the scene with Vroomfondel and Majikthise, the arguing philosophers who protested the Deep Thought project...played by any two members of Monty Python. I could SO see Eric Idle or Michael Palin playing Vroomfondel. "I demand, that I may or may not, be Vroomfondel!" God it would be glorious.
Spork
Active member
Got a response from the fire top this morning.
I'm still kind of digesting it. I don't think that I am going to reply at this point. I'm trying to decide how to feel and what to do with this information.
I'm not thrilled, but I don't really want to argue it with her.
I feel like it will be expected that I share her response with the few people I've talked to in detail about the situation...but I also don't want to gossip, especially if I'm not responding to her.
The people who know:
- My polycule. (They were always going to know, since we hang out naked.)
- A community leader in Denver and a highly regarded fire top who runs the workshop up there. I shared with them because of high levels of expertise and because I trust them to be discreet.
- The two people who own/run Voodoo, because it is the club that sponsored the event and this top was there representing the club.
- A few people who were there and also bottomed, who approached me.
I think that this list is pretty "need to know." As I said, I am definitely NOT the type to run about making gossip and drama just to be the center of attention at the expense of someone's reputation in the scene.
EDIT: I have decided to share with only the owners of the club. One in particular expressed a desire to speak to her anyways. I will let her handle it.
Her response was very professional and was just as wordy as my initial message. The long-story-short paraphrase of it, was:
-I am sorry you experienced discomfort.
-My techniques are sound. No one has been harmed by the mousse tapping by either me or the person who taught me the technique.
-My glasses are fine. I make sure they're thick enough rims to not break. I move them around like this during massage and no one complains.
-It was loud in the club. Maybe you didn't hear me tell you to raise your hand if you needed to stop. Maybe that was the problem. I did inform you that you would feel a flash of warmth with the mousse, then some more flashes, etc.
-I rely heavily on bottoms communicating if there is something wrong. You didn't communicate a problem.
-I'm cool with you if you're cool with me, and hope we can talk further about this sometime.
-Thanks for your discretion.
In other words, I'm sorry that YOU seem to have a problem, no one else has had a problem, my techniques are above reproach and it's all your fault for not stopping the scene, or perhaps the fault of the loud music. Thanks for not running your mouth to the whole community. I forgive you.
This is the defensiveness I was afraid of. No intent to change what she is doing, and every intent to defend her techniques and equipment and continue to use both in the future.
I completely own the fact that it was dumb of me to let my inner masochist take the wheel during a fire scene. I know better, or at least I should. I know what it is SUPPOSED to feel like. (Not painful.) And I know that it's not "tapping out" and appearing weak, although on a gut level part of me feels that way about calling red. Fact is though, had I raised my hand and stopped the scene at the first hint of pain, I'd still have a second degree burn blister healing on my back right now. The first "ouch!" caused it. The rest just made it worse.
But I heal fast and well and it's not me that I'm worried about. It's easy to say that as an experienced bottom for fire, I've got some culpability in my situation. What about all of the attendees who thought it would be fun to visit that bar that night, had a few drinks and decided to try getting set on fire? They have no idea what it's supposed to feel like. That's where my concern lies. And that's why her denial of responsibility bothers me, no matter how much false concern and "professional" language she used to convey it.
I'm still kind of digesting it. I don't think that I am going to reply at this point. I'm trying to decide how to feel and what to do with this information.
I'm not thrilled, but I don't really want to argue it with her.
I feel like it will be expected that I share her response with the few people I've talked to in detail about the situation...but I also don't want to gossip, especially if I'm not responding to her.
The people who know:
- My polycule. (They were always going to know, since we hang out naked.)
- A community leader in Denver and a highly regarded fire top who runs the workshop up there. I shared with them because of high levels of expertise and because I trust them to be discreet.
- The two people who own/run Voodoo, because it is the club that sponsored the event and this top was there representing the club.
- A few people who were there and also bottomed, who approached me.
I think that this list is pretty "need to know." As I said, I am definitely NOT the type to run about making gossip and drama just to be the center of attention at the expense of someone's reputation in the scene.
EDIT: I have decided to share with only the owners of the club. One in particular expressed a desire to speak to her anyways. I will let her handle it.
Her response was very professional and was just as wordy as my initial message. The long-story-short paraphrase of it, was:
-I am sorry you experienced discomfort.
-My techniques are sound. No one has been harmed by the mousse tapping by either me or the person who taught me the technique.
-My glasses are fine. I make sure they're thick enough rims to not break. I move them around like this during massage and no one complains.
-It was loud in the club. Maybe you didn't hear me tell you to raise your hand if you needed to stop. Maybe that was the problem. I did inform you that you would feel a flash of warmth with the mousse, then some more flashes, etc.
-I rely heavily on bottoms communicating if there is something wrong. You didn't communicate a problem.
-I'm cool with you if you're cool with me, and hope we can talk further about this sometime.
-Thanks for your discretion.
In other words, I'm sorry that YOU seem to have a problem, no one else has had a problem, my techniques are above reproach and it's all your fault for not stopping the scene, or perhaps the fault of the loud music. Thanks for not running your mouth to the whole community. I forgive you.
This is the defensiveness I was afraid of. No intent to change what she is doing, and every intent to defend her techniques and equipment and continue to use both in the future.
I completely own the fact that it was dumb of me to let my inner masochist take the wheel during a fire scene. I know better, or at least I should. I know what it is SUPPOSED to feel like. (Not painful.) And I know that it's not "tapping out" and appearing weak, although on a gut level part of me feels that way about calling red. Fact is though, had I raised my hand and stopped the scene at the first hint of pain, I'd still have a second degree burn blister healing on my back right now. The first "ouch!" caused it. The rest just made it worse.
But I heal fast and well and it's not me that I'm worried about. It's easy to say that as an experienced bottom for fire, I've got some culpability in my situation. What about all of the attendees who thought it would be fun to visit that bar that night, had a few drinks and decided to try getting set on fire? They have no idea what it's supposed to feel like. That's where my concern lies. And that's why her denial of responsibility bothers me, no matter how much false concern and "professional" language she used to convey it.
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opalescent
Active member
I am truly sorry she's turned out to be defensive. That's disappointing.
Is she really implying that because that particular mousse technique has not hurt anyone before (*that she knows of*), therefore you didn't really get burned? Maybe it's the paraphrasing but it really sounds like that. Who cares if it didn't hurt anyone before? It has now and she needs to spend some time pondering why.
Gah. The more I re-read the paraphrased response, the more I get pissed off.
She's decided her reputation as an 'expert', and ego investment in that status, is more important than continuing to learn and respecting the bottom.
Look, you learned an important lesson from this. I had to learn that too. As much as I would like to disengage my brain when I bottom (or have sex), I can't. Not fully. You can't let your masochist brain run the show, at least all by itself. This is a crappy way to learn that but I bet you never forget it from now on. Now you know that you have to be alert enough to communicate that you are in distress or unhappy.
But do not let that reality distract you from what she is doing here. Yes, you should have said something. However, competent, safe tops know that bottoms want to please and masochists want pain. Decent tops take this into account and try to monitor for someone taking more than they should. It's not perfect and it is entirely possible to miss signs. But competent tops can't rely solely on the bottom telling them something. She is trying to make this your fault. And that is bullshit. Should you have done some things differently? Yes. But this is not your fault. She is still responsible.
And 'thank you for your discretion'?!? Fuck that. Look, some people who are not safe try to use 'discretion' or 'avoiding drama' as ways to prevent people talking with each other and discovering disturbing patterns in how they play or have relationships. You are unlikely to be the only person she's burned (or sadly, will burn). You may be the only person who has contacted her, especially since she acts in ways that make it clear she does not want honest feedback. Other bottoms may not have bothered, just as you considered not reaching out to her.
Well, I hope you decide never to play with her again. I hope you tell her that and why. If you are asked by others, I hope you are honest about your experiences with her. That's not gossip. I hope you consider telling the people listed below what she said and how she said it. They need to know. She's not the best person to introduce kink -especially edgier play like fire - to newbies. It's true they may choose to do nothing. Unfortunately that happens. But you cannot control that.
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. I just wanna non-consensually smack dumb tops around sometimes. (I don't - just think about it!)
Is she really implying that because that particular mousse technique has not hurt anyone before (*that she knows of*), therefore you didn't really get burned? Maybe it's the paraphrasing but it really sounds like that. Who cares if it didn't hurt anyone before? It has now and she needs to spend some time pondering why.
Gah. The more I re-read the paraphrased response, the more I get pissed off.
She's decided her reputation as an 'expert', and ego investment in that status, is more important than continuing to learn and respecting the bottom.
Look, you learned an important lesson from this. I had to learn that too. As much as I would like to disengage my brain when I bottom (or have sex), I can't. Not fully. You can't let your masochist brain run the show, at least all by itself. This is a crappy way to learn that but I bet you never forget it from now on. Now you know that you have to be alert enough to communicate that you are in distress or unhappy.
But do not let that reality distract you from what she is doing here. Yes, you should have said something. However, competent, safe tops know that bottoms want to please and masochists want pain. Decent tops take this into account and try to monitor for someone taking more than they should. It's not perfect and it is entirely possible to miss signs. But competent tops can't rely solely on the bottom telling them something. She is trying to make this your fault. And that is bullshit. Should you have done some things differently? Yes. But this is not your fault. She is still responsible.
And 'thank you for your discretion'?!? Fuck that. Look, some people who are not safe try to use 'discretion' or 'avoiding drama' as ways to prevent people talking with each other and discovering disturbing patterns in how they play or have relationships. You are unlikely to be the only person she's burned (or sadly, will burn). You may be the only person who has contacted her, especially since she acts in ways that make it clear she does not want honest feedback. Other bottoms may not have bothered, just as you considered not reaching out to her.
Well, I hope you decide never to play with her again. I hope you tell her that and why. If you are asked by others, I hope you are honest about your experiences with her. That's not gossip. I hope you consider telling the people listed below what she said and how she said it. They need to know. She's not the best person to introduce kink -especially edgier play like fire - to newbies. It's true they may choose to do nothing. Unfortunately that happens. But you cannot control that.
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. I just wanna non-consensually smack dumb tops around sometimes. (I don't - just think about it!)
Spork
Active member
Pictures, yes. Good ones, well lit, the same night after I had returned home with the polycule. Fire is...well, she's some kind of nurse, or nursing assistant or some such. I laugh to realize now I don't know exactly what her job title is, but it doesn't matter, she knew what she was looking at.
I didn't have to seek professional medical attention, as it was the kind of 2nd degree blister burns and not over a huge area, just in a few spots where she'd been "tapping" in the mousse-goo. We cleaned it, and since then I've kept it clean and mousturized, and it's been healing very well.
opalescent:
All of those (bulleted list) sentiments were legit and not interpretations, I only paraphrased to condense paragraphs into sentences...then the bit below my bulleted part, that was my interpretation of what I felt she was saying. The "Thank you for your discretion" was a direct quote.
And yes, definitely a needed learning experience for me. I've honestly let Zen get a little rougher on occasion than I should have, in retrospect, and I've got to be a bit more mindful and a bit more willing to "red." I feel like I'm indicating displeasure with what he's doing in those moments, which I don't want to do (especially when I'm enjoying it!)...but I've got to prevent certain small injuries that impair my ability to play with my other partners, too.
But again...my concerns weren't even just about ME, because in that setting it could have been ANYONE and she is acting in a representative capacity for the club we all love and belong to, under the very clear instruction to keep all play light. I don't want to see a new rule that they don't do fire at all on tasting nights, but if she can't be sensible about this, it could go that way. I mean seriously, some of the people bottoming had been DRINKING. If I had a hard time recognizing damage and assessing pain and calling a scene, how can we expect them to??
That's my main disappointment in this.
IndieSolo
Active member
Well, if you did not send her those pics already, they might be the best response to her message that you could give her.
Spork
Active member
I agree, though doing so directly would be difficult. Our mode of communication is fetlife and to the best of my knowledge you can't PM pictures through their message system (?)...and Fire's got them on her phone. It is my intention to mostly info-share with the lady who primarily runs the club at this point, she has every intention of being involved anyways.
Really at this point I've spoken my piece for myself...and if the main concern is future events, it makes sense to let further directives come from the Lady In Charge.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I know next to nothing about the kink scene, but damn that lady's email made me pissed off You came to her with a genuine "let's improve things together" spirit and she... Asked you to be quiet so her reputation doesn't get damaged???
I hope the club owners/event sponsors have better luck getting through to her. I can tell from the way you write about it that you're proud of how safe and well-run your local scene is - would be terrible to have one arrogant lady* mess with that vibe.
* I originally had some much more colorful words here but... Trying to follow your example of taking the high road
You came to her with a genuine "let's improve things together" spirit and she... Asked you to be quiet so her reputation doesn't get damaged??? I hope the club owners/event sponsors have better luck getting through to her. I can tell from the way you write about it that you're proud of how safe and well-run your local scene is - would be terrible to have one arrogant lady* mess with that vibe.
* I originally had some much more colorful words here but... Trying to follow your example of taking the high road
You can't, although you could put them on something like https://www.file.io and send her a link. I somewhat wish I had done so when I acquired the scar I have from a similar "taster" experience at a club - wanted to try single-tail, broke skin more than I expected. ::shrug:: I was mostly ok with it, but I do wish the top in question had warned me a bit more.
Spork
Active member
Yeah, single tail is a tricky one, it's even harder (I think) to do that safely than fire, because it's not just a matter of having a high degree of knowledge and the right equipment and all...there's a ton of practice and skill that goes into having the control and precision on it. I can think of exactly three people that I would trust to throw a single-tail at me, and they are all club owners and leaders of long standing in the community. And even then, I wouldn't be surprised if accidental small injuries resulted.
I went to a Sunday Brunch and Whip Club monthly thing once, and watched the MFQ (The Motherfuckin' Queen, badass-in-charge of my local dungeon) showing us the technique she uses to practice. She hangs a strip of toilet paper from the ceiling, and practices hitting it without tearing it. It is VERY hard to do, but she really is that good.
....
Had a fun weekend. Birthday party for Hefe at their house, they made fajitas and Hefe brewed a bunch of beer and I brought enchiladas and ice cream pies. We had lots of people there, and a bunch of musicians...assorted guitars, a ukulele and an accordion. A couple of people were giving massages and there was a little bit of fire cupping and violet wand play going on. Light sensation stuff, just enough to raise a vanilla eyebrow or two without completely freaking anyone out. I got to see some of my favorite people, and meet some new ones, and hang out with at least one couple I adore but rarely get to see. So it was a great time.
I unfortunately don't seem to have the stay-up-all-night stamina of the rest of my quad. Around 2AM I lost the battle with my eyelids and fell asleep on the couch, which is pretty typical of me. Got up later for a little bit, then crashed out again from about 4-10AM. Weekends with these folks tend to involve weird sleep hours (for me) and I have a hard time keeping up with their all-nighter shenanigans. Makes me feel like the old and lame one, even though I'm the youngest in the group!
After I finally got moving and got home yesterday, I had a pretty lazy afternoon. I did manage to get my dishes done and felt a rather absurd sense of accomplishment over it. Watched the newest Game of Thrones episode. Which still left me feeling like I need more Tyrion in my life...man I do love me some Tyrion...
And we've had cold and snow going on all weekend and I'm seriously just ready for it to get warm and stay warm for a little while. I hate being cold. I want to go hiking with Fire, as I have both a craving for her company and for some exercise.
Spork
Active member
Hate it when I get emotionally turbulent for reasons I'm finding hard to pin down, or reasons I logically don't agree with. When my heart won't listen to my head. My emotional self is stupid sometimes and it makes me mad.
PMS too, I know hormones are part of this mess. I know it.
So...*sigh*... I was snoozing on the couch right, at like 2am or therabouts. I remember at some point (guessing close to 3/3:30) hearing Analyst and Hefe conspiring over me to pick me up and move me to the guest bed. Hefe had been drinking and I honestly didn't want him trying to carry me anywhere. I got up and pottered off to bed. They all "tucked me in" with kisses and shut the door. I couldn't go back to sleep. And then I heard the very loud motor roar of the Sybian being used in the living room and no way was I going to sleep, so I got up and went and smoked a cigarette. When I came back, Analyst and Hefe were treating Fire & Hefe's old friend (I will just call her Friend here for simplicity's sake) to a ride on the Sybian. I sat on the couch and wound up snuggling with Fire a bit. The boys played with Friend. All fun in adult kinky fun land.
It must have been 4am when everyone decided they'd had enough and Analyst and I went off to bed. Analyst asked me if it bothered me to see him playing with someone else. I said no. Because there is no rule against it, and well...it didn't.
Only it does. But it doesn't. Not like that. But somehow.
I like Friend. I'm not...jealous exactly. The fuck is my problem??
OK, time to unpack. Yay! Head work. What better place for it though?
-PMS. If there is anything I could possibly feel squidgy about right now, I'm gonna.
-I felt like a little kid. I fell asleep, I couldn't stay awake to play with the grownups. They were going to carry me to bed and they tucked me in, and only then got all crazy and adult and fun once I was gone. (It makes sense from the other side of it, the party shouldn't stop just because I can't hang...and they were trying to put me in a quieter room before they commenced.) But I had NO IDEA this was gonna go down, and I half-ass-barely-awake walked in on it. This feeling was compounded by how they all said I was "cute" sleeping on the couch. I am the youngest of the group...but for god's sakes, I'm used to being strong and adulty. This feels weird.
-I haven't felt quite satisfied with the amount of sexual activity going on there, and have had a hard time with the "who initiates this stuff?" issue when we just wind up talking all night. I guess she was shy and bashful but interested and they all persuaded her and had fun...I feel like we just don't do that much anymore, or at least...not with me. I'm having a hard time with the extremely late hours of get togethers at their homes. I feel like I'm boring and not the life of the party anymore, if I was kinda sometimes at the beginning. The new toy that isn't shiny no more. ?? Because come like 2 or 3 in the morning, I turn into a goddamn pumpkin. Maybe I should caffienate for these things...
-I actually felt somewhat aroused and went to bed with zero satisfaction, woke up that way again and Analyst was too sleepy to play, Fire and Hefe were still in bed until noon. No fun for me. (Maybe I should have cleaned and hopped on the Sybian and woke them all up! HA! But no.)
I think that about covers it. Maybe now that I've "logicked" my stupid nebulous pouty feelings they can shut up and let me get on with my life... *sigh*
You ever feel like you just have no idea what you're even doing anymore? No idea if you're doing any of it right? Afraid you've stepped off some path that the cosmos has laid down before you, and it's only a matter of time before reality unravels in front of your eyes, because you made a wrong choice, because you stepped a way you weren't meant to tread? Days like today...I feel like I'm doubting everything for no good reason. I've got a free floating nebulous sense of dread or anxiety or like...a light shade of doom...just floating around my head. I really think it's the hormones. It's the right time for it to be hormones.
I'm really thankful that I've got this place to just sort of let the pressure off. I don't like to trouble the people I love in my life with worrying about my fleeting emotional nonsense. I don't want them to give it more weight than it deserves...because I'm quite sure it will pass. It's just...annoying.
PMS too, I know hormones are part of this mess. I know it.
So...*sigh*... I was snoozing on the couch right, at like 2am or therabouts. I remember at some point (guessing close to 3/3:30) hearing Analyst and Hefe conspiring over me to pick me up and move me to the guest bed. Hefe had been drinking and I honestly didn't want him trying to carry me anywhere. I got up and pottered off to bed. They all "tucked me in" with kisses and shut the door. I couldn't go back to sleep. And then I heard the very loud motor roar of the Sybian being used in the living room and no way was I going to sleep, so I got up and went and smoked a cigarette. When I came back, Analyst and Hefe were treating Fire & Hefe's old friend (I will just call her Friend here for simplicity's sake) to a ride on the Sybian. I sat on the couch and wound up snuggling with Fire a bit. The boys played with Friend. All fun in adult kinky fun land.
It must have been 4am when everyone decided they'd had enough and Analyst and I went off to bed. Analyst asked me if it bothered me to see him playing with someone else. I said no. Because there is no rule against it, and well...it didn't.
Only it does. But it doesn't. Not like that. But somehow.
I like Friend. I'm not...jealous exactly. The fuck is my problem??
OK, time to unpack. Yay! Head work. What better place for it though?
-PMS. If there is anything I could possibly feel squidgy about right now, I'm gonna.
-I felt like a little kid. I fell asleep, I couldn't stay awake to play with the grownups. They were going to carry me to bed and they tucked me in, and only then got all crazy and adult and fun once I was gone. (It makes sense from the other side of it, the party shouldn't stop just because I can't hang...and they were trying to put me in a quieter room before they commenced.) But I had NO IDEA this was gonna go down, and I half-ass-barely-awake walked in on it. This feeling was compounded by how they all said I was "cute" sleeping on the couch. I am the youngest of the group...but for god's sakes, I'm used to being strong and adulty. This feels weird.
-I haven't felt quite satisfied with the amount of sexual activity going on there, and have had a hard time with the "who initiates this stuff?" issue when we just wind up talking all night. I guess she was shy and bashful but interested and they all persuaded her and had fun...I feel like we just don't do that much anymore, or at least...not with me. I'm having a hard time with the extremely late hours of get togethers at their homes. I feel like I'm boring and not the life of the party anymore, if I was kinda sometimes at the beginning. The new toy that isn't shiny no more. ?? Because come like 2 or 3 in the morning, I turn into a goddamn pumpkin. Maybe I should caffienate for these things...
-I actually felt somewhat aroused and went to bed with zero satisfaction, woke up that way again and Analyst was too sleepy to play, Fire and Hefe were still in bed until noon. No fun for me. (Maybe I should have cleaned and hopped on the Sybian and woke them all up! HA! But no.)
I think that about covers it. Maybe now that I've "logicked" my stupid nebulous pouty feelings they can shut up and let me get on with my life... *sigh*
You ever feel like you just have no idea what you're even doing anymore? No idea if you're doing any of it right? Afraid you've stepped off some path that the cosmos has laid down before you, and it's only a matter of time before reality unravels in front of your eyes, because you made a wrong choice, because you stepped a way you weren't meant to tread? Days like today...I feel like I'm doubting everything for no good reason. I've got a free floating nebulous sense of dread or anxiety or like...a light shade of doom...just floating around my head. I really think it's the hormones. It's the right time for it to be hormones.
I'm really thankful that I've got this place to just sort of let the pressure off. I don't like to trouble the people I love in my life with worrying about my fleeting emotional nonsense. I don't want them to give it more weight than it deserves...because I'm quite sure it will pass. It's just...annoying.
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Reverie
Active member
Yes, constantly lately. I constantly go through a cycle of thinking how much poly sucks because the idea of losing Rider-time to someone else skeeves me out and makes me panic. But monogamy sucks because it would mean losing Rider and anyway I always get bored with it after two or three years. So maybe I should just go be single and leave everyone alone, just go be with my craziness by myself. But that would suck because it would mean breaking two hearts and exploding my life. I've gone so far as to wish love just didn't exist, because it seems to be the thing that makes life the most difficult. How much nicer it would be to be a dog, or a cat, or a robot.
Spork
Active member
I know right?? My cat is awesome. He's super happy right now because there is crinkly packing paper on the floor from an Amazon box. I wish something like that could bring me such satisfaction. And every time I see him sleeping, I wish I could curl up and sleep right that minute.
Spork
Active member
I'm feeling much better today.
Re-centering my focus, I am doing stuff with the kids tonight and tomorrow. Youngest has counseling tonight, and then we'll pop over to Old Wolf's house (he'll be gone at work) to see Ninja for a bit. Need to bug him about some school stuff, per Old Wolf's request.
Then tomorrow night Ninja has an orchestra concert and I've invited Analyst, Fire and Hefe and another friend of ours, if they can and/or want to go, so some or all of them might make it out. That would be nice. The high school that Ninja goes to is renowned for its orchestra, it's really quite impressive to attend those concerts, so I hope at least some of them make it out to see that.
I have some other priorities I need to re-align, but I feel a bit more "together" today.
The "scary doom" feeling, I get that from time to time, and most of it has to do with how I was married for so long and now I'm not. I know not everyone does a marriage this way, and it wasn't really very respectful or good, but I just took for granted that I had this other adult, capable of earning money and helping to fix toilets and being there when there was some area I was weak with...if I lost my job, there'd be another income, if he lost his, I was there. We would both get by, do whatever it took. His income and mine were under my control to be put to the needful causes that called for it, and there was generally enough (until that last couple of rough years.) There was a safety net for both of us. Now there isn't. Now I look around my apartment, which I love, and I feel scared that anything could happen and I'd have no real backup. I don't feel materially safe or secure, and it bothers me. It makes me afraid.
And I know how much of a mess Old Wolf is. But I still can't hate him. He's not acting out anymore these days, I think mainly he needed to get a job...he can't cope with just spinning his wheels at home. He is just sad. He thinks that life is very unfair, because he did his years in the military and damaged his body and mind and then everything fell apart and he lost the woman he thought he'd have for the rest of his days.
Really I'm glad I did not take the advice of many during the last year or so. I was told time and again that I was doing wrong by getting involved in relationships, by going to the "sex clubs" (BDSM clubs) and by letting in the distraction of my own sexuality when I really needed to fortify my position in life and "take time to heal" and get my kids out of there and so on and so forth. See, had I taken that advice, had I NOT gotten involved with Analyst, Fire, Hefe, and Zen...had I NOT made dear friends in the kink scene... I'm pretty sure I'd be back with Old Wolf now. What is stopping me from reaching for that sense of security is the people in my life who would be harmed if I had to end it with them and go back.
How could I think it?
Well again. He wasn't always that bad to deal with. And I doubt if he'd be that bad to deal with now, so long as he continued to work. And with the hours he works, I just wouldn't see him that often anyhow. It would be setting aside my own needs to just plug away for a few years, get money under control, get my college degree finished, get the kids raised.
But I think it's too late for that, and I cannot imagine hurting my loves...especially Zen, sweet loving Zen who needed someone patient enough to see beneath his surface and love the real self he rarely shows to anyone...I can't turn my back on them.
Old Wolf has, over time, threatened so many extreme things...from suicide to joining some mercenary outfit and going to the Middle East...I told him, if he decided to do something like that, to just wait until my lease was up and I would move back into the house and rent it from him or something. I don't want the house jeopardized; we worked so hard to get to a place where we could buy a nice house, and we were so proud of it when we did. And I swear there are times I wish he would just...one way or another...take himself out of the picture. It's felt so often during all those years like watching an old dog suffer and wondering when is the right time to just put him down...though of course it is completely frowned upon to think of human beings that way. But he does suffer, and he makes other people suffer.
So...*sigh*...no...I don't really want to deal with him again. I just miss the security. I hope that one day I'm able to get to a place on my own where I feel materially safe and secure. I can't see it right now. I just hope it's out there somewhere.
Re-centering my focus, I am doing stuff with the kids tonight and tomorrow. Youngest has counseling tonight, and then we'll pop over to Old Wolf's house (he'll be gone at work) to see Ninja for a bit. Need to bug him about some school stuff, per Old Wolf's request.
Then tomorrow night Ninja has an orchestra concert and I've invited Analyst, Fire and Hefe and another friend of ours, if they can and/or want to go, so some or all of them might make it out. That would be nice. The high school that Ninja goes to is renowned for its orchestra, it's really quite impressive to attend those concerts, so I hope at least some of them make it out to see that.
I have some other priorities I need to re-align, but I feel a bit more "together" today.
The "scary doom" feeling, I get that from time to time, and most of it has to do with how I was married for so long and now I'm not. I know not everyone does a marriage this way, and it wasn't really very respectful or good, but I just took for granted that I had this other adult, capable of earning money and helping to fix toilets and being there when there was some area I was weak with...if I lost my job, there'd be another income, if he lost his, I was there. We would both get by, do whatever it took. His income and mine were under my control to be put to the needful causes that called for it, and there was generally enough (until that last couple of rough years.) There was a safety net for both of us. Now there isn't. Now I look around my apartment, which I love, and I feel scared that anything could happen and I'd have no real backup. I don't feel materially safe or secure, and it bothers me. It makes me afraid.
And I know how much of a mess Old Wolf is. But I still can't hate him. He's not acting out anymore these days, I think mainly he needed to get a job...he can't cope with just spinning his wheels at home. He is just sad. He thinks that life is very unfair, because he did his years in the military and damaged his body and mind and then everything fell apart and he lost the woman he thought he'd have for the rest of his days.
Really I'm glad I did not take the advice of many during the last year or so. I was told time and again that I was doing wrong by getting involved in relationships, by going to the "sex clubs" (BDSM clubs) and by letting in the distraction of my own sexuality when I really needed to fortify my position in life and "take time to heal" and get my kids out of there and so on and so forth. See, had I taken that advice, had I NOT gotten involved with Analyst, Fire, Hefe, and Zen...had I NOT made dear friends in the kink scene... I'm pretty sure I'd be back with Old Wolf now. What is stopping me from reaching for that sense of security is the people in my life who would be harmed if I had to end it with them and go back.
How could I think it?
Well again. He wasn't always that bad to deal with. And I doubt if he'd be that bad to deal with now, so long as he continued to work. And with the hours he works, I just wouldn't see him that often anyhow. It would be setting aside my own needs to just plug away for a few years, get money under control, get my college degree finished, get the kids raised.
But I think it's too late for that, and I cannot imagine hurting my loves...especially Zen, sweet loving Zen who needed someone patient enough to see beneath his surface and love the real self he rarely shows to anyone...I can't turn my back on them.
Old Wolf has, over time, threatened so many extreme things...from suicide to joining some mercenary outfit and going to the Middle East...I told him, if he decided to do something like that, to just wait until my lease was up and I would move back into the house and rent it from him or something. I don't want the house jeopardized; we worked so hard to get to a place where we could buy a nice house, and we were so proud of it when we did. And I swear there are times I wish he would just...one way or another...take himself out of the picture. It's felt so often during all those years like watching an old dog suffer and wondering when is the right time to just put him down...though of course it is completely frowned upon to think of human beings that way. But he does suffer, and he makes other people suffer.
So...*sigh*...no...I don't really want to deal with him again. I just miss the security. I hope that one day I'm able to get to a place on my own where I feel materially safe and secure. I can't see it right now. I just hope it's out there somewhere.
It seems you were mostly envious, Spork. I get that all the time (ok, less often now that I have learned ask for what is "mine"
).