Seeking advice on a trinogamous relationship

[Lawlies]

I'm a 27 year old gay virgin male.

I have been pursuing him for 7 years without any luck. We parted ways for a while and during that time he got into a relationship with a girl and had children with her. We recently re-united and in very little time my old forgotten feelings for him have re-surfaced. Upon expressing my rediscovered feelings to him, he told me that he is ready to have a relationship now but doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend. They are currently looking for a place to live, and I am in a position that would allow me to move in with them. He wants all of us to get a place together. He also wants to attempt to start a trinogamous relationship between us all. My reaction to this was of course yes; as any chance to be with my one and only is something I would work with on any level. Plus, I always wanted to have children with him. It seems like nothing but good things will come of it, assuming it works out. We both have expressed a desire to spend the rest of our lives with each other. He seems genuinely interested and invested in the idea. We have been through a lot. Needing and not having him for so long has caused me overwhelming pain. Without going into too much detail, the pain recently has been significant as well. However, I don't think there is any foul play at hand. I think he and I are both sincere and of good intention.

I understand that I am an addition to their pre-existing family and I do not want to interrupt their relationship or be a disruption in their family. If we enter in to this, I want to be a great benefit to their family, thereby becoming part of it.

Anyways, he is insisting that we do not tell his girlfriend we have a desire to cultivate a relationship of this magnitude. She has been led to believe that I am merely moving in as a roommate. He says that he would prefer to open her up to the idea more slowly, as he believes she will not understand it yet. I agree with moving at the pace of the group, but I also would argue that it is only fair for all of us to know the stakes of this engagement. If I were to commit this, I would be greatly changing my lifestyle and routine. In turn much of my time would be spent on his family and maintaining a healthy relationship between us all. If anything I welcome the change. But it simply does not seem like an honest decision to withhold our feelings for each other from his girlfriend. He is begging me to trust him and believe that we can make it work out. I want to more than anything. He's the first, and to this day, the only person I have ever fallen in love with. I would flourish with the opportunity to love him and I would give that same love to his family as though they were my own. I just think that we need to sit down and talk about it first. I'm afraid it will go south and bring me too much pain.

What do you think is right? What do you think I should do?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lawlies,

The MMF V you propose sounds great; however, I am nervous about not telling his girlfriend. When will she be told? Will you guys become sexually involved before she is told? If so, that's really risky. It could all go up in flames if you get caught.

How well do you know her? I'm just curious. How many kids do they have and what are the kids' ages?

Keep us updated on your situation, and I'll try to think of advice to give.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GreenAcres]

Um...no. On so many levels, just no.

1. Triads, which is what you are talking about, almost always end in horrible explosions. Forced triads, even among people who are actually looking for a triad, are the worst for it, and arguable the least stable poly relationship configuration.

2. It's unethical as hell to be plotting all this. How would you feel if someone you were in a relationship with flat-out LIED TO YOU about literally EVERYTHING, which is what this is? Just NO.

3. What in the world makes either of you think she has any interest in this at all? That she wants you to co-parent their children? That she wants to share sex or love with you? That she has any interest in a poly model of any kind at all? That, even if she agree to a poly-fi V, that she'd want to live with her metamour (the vast majority of poly Vs do not live together, and do not want to)? Does she even know he' bi-sexual?

4. If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. Meaning, if he's willing to lie to and manipulate a person he's made an oath to and had children with, what in the world makes you think he won't lie to and manipulate you?

At this point, the only ethical thing to do is to stop seeing him altogether, and tell him he can contact you again if and when he's being honest with her. This isn't high-school. There are real consequences here, and not just for you. Be the bigger person and think about her, and about their children.

 

[Dustytx]

Well, I'm just thinking.....how is she going to feel about him possibly being bi? You're a virgin so although you two may or may not have been some degree of intimate how will she react? My BF is heteroflexible. For a while I thought he might be bi but this is not a thing he's ever hidden. He is who he is & that's always been on the table. In her place where I was in a committed relationship & it possibly had never come up I would at the very least need time to process & decide if it was something I could accept.

Further, you're currently in a position where it sounds like you could be an asset to them. Are you at risk of being used here?

I agree with others that it would be a hard no for me if the nature of your relationship with him is not revealed & accepted by her up front.

 

[Lawlies]

He has made it very clear that he will not do anything with me without her permission. He says that he wants to open her to the idea slowly. They have a 8 month old and another two months away from birth. I dont know her particularly well. Not well enough to side with anything hes saying. This entire time i have been on the fence about everything but i have always leaned more towards openness, honesty and the well being of their children. Sitting down and talking is the adult thing to do. Its respectful. I have considered going to her and telling her whats going on without his permission but i know he would explode. I likely will tell her regardless. Truth and honesty bring closure. I have always been an honest person. I believe in preparation and order.

I side with pretty much everything youve said greenacres. She knows he recently discovered his bisexuality. But he has never done anything homosexual before. It is indeed a concern of mine that he is manipulating this situation to get into a place. I could go more into detail on that if necessary. Its all very messy. I would already have told him to leave and not return until he is ready to tell his girlfriend about his feelings. But every time i start to he makes me feel so terrible. I love him so much. Its fucking hard man.

Dusty, yes i am at risk of being used. They need a place pretty bad and they know how much i can help with that. But i dont think theres any manipulation on her end. I feel like if she knew what was happening she would sympathize with me. Any deception is on his end, if it exists at all.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like you're leaning in the right direction. Maybe one option is to ask him to tell his girlfriend, and to inform him that if he doesn't tell her, you intend to tell her. Polyamory has to be based on honesty and consent.

It's good that you and him are not planning to get involved with each other unless/until she gives the go-ahead. You may need to exercise patience; she might not warm up to the idea for a long time (if ever).

I'll continue to try to help from my end.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GreenAcres]

They have a 8 month old and another two months away from birth. I dont know her particularly well. Not well enough to side with anything hes saying.

I am glad you are thinking about honesty and ethics, that is a good step! I quoted the above because, all else aside? This is going to be a fucking disaster. Do a search here and read how many man decide they want to open their relationship in exactly this situation, and see how well it goes. I can't think of a single instance in which it ended in anything but awful, explosive fireworks (and not the fun, pretty kind).

This is NOT the time for this guy to be trying to open his relationship, with you or anyone else. That he's pulling this says about all you need to know: he's a selfish asshat.

Here's the thing: manipulators are very, very good at what they do, which is manipulate. Try to take a step back, and look at this man you love. He becomes very unlovely very fast, and I'd wager all the (admittedly little) money I have in the bank that what you love about him is almost entirely a fabrication he uses to get what he wants. (Yup, speaking from experience).

I am sure he is charismatic, and funny, and sexy, etc. Manipulators of this magnitude generally are. That is how they get away with it, how they lure people in. He "makes you feel terrible" when you try to take an ethical path, and when you try to enforce boundaries. That isn't the mark of someone who loves you back. Don't believe someone's words. Words are easy. Believe them when they show you who they are, and he's showing you: he's a liar, he's selfish, he manipulates, he believes his wants and desires are more important than either his wife's or yours. Stop letting him gaslight you with words and pay attention to his actions.

Set your boundary. Then stick to it. Maybe he'll prove me wrong, and come clean to her (which, given the timing, is going to be it's own level of suck). But, I am betting not. And this is a good thing for you, because it'll show you even more starkly who he really is, and you can get out before this mess becomes an even larger clusterfuck than it already is.