Navigating this Life

[Squidsquare]

First I'll quickly outline the situation.
Me: 38F, married 3 kids with Hubs starting relationship with GF
Hubs: 42M, married 3 kids w/me been seeing GF a few weeks
GF: 25F, married 1 child with her hubs in relationship with me and hubs.

Hubs and I have had a open but not frequently practicing marriage for 13 years. It was always supposed to be a swinging arrangement and nothing more. We've both had other partners alone as well as a few swaps together. Hubs is very athletic and trains some folks in powerlifting. One of the women he trains has stood out to me for a few months. When one of the guys was being a dick to her I noticed Hubs seemed more protective than usual.

I wasn't the least surprised when he came home in early March and announced that someone at the gym was interested in him and was aware of our arrangement and had the same with her hubby. I asked if it was her and he said yes. I gave my consent and then I met her a few weeks later at his birthday dinner. I could see the sparks flying. Because of where how busy we were in late March early April they didn't really have a chance to do much more than talk until they went to a competition. The next day when I met them there I could feel the chemistry and I started hinting to my hubs that this might be more that sexual and that if it were I was ok with that.

Things started happening fast at that point they were able to spend a night together at our house and after they spent a few hours alone invited me in for post love making snuggles. It was amazing and I spent the next two days on a cloud. Tuesday morning hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm having hormone issues. I was moody not related to them but hubs read both me and gf wrong and broke up with her Wednesday morning. GF and I thought the other had done something to provoke this so we went until Sunday angry until I broke the ice and told her I didn't want this to end. She came over we talked it out with him and we were right back on track. She came over every other night that week to cuddle with us. We took a Yoga class together all 3 of us and then last night she and I had date night just the two of us and ended back at our house snuggling again (stupid period)

This morning hubs was a little bent out of shape because I neglected to give them some time alone to greet each other but seems over it since they were are hitting the gym and drove in together so they had the entire car ride to themselves.

So that's us. Three people falling head over heels for each other and trying to learn all the ins and outs to a 3 person relationship. It's been amazing save for the dark week as it shall forever be known. I can't believe how lucky I am.

 

[rosephase]

Your husband dumped his girlfriend because you were in a bad mood and he assumed it was about her?

You guys need to start talking a LOT more.

He was upset because he didn't get alone time he didn't ask for?

You need to sit down and talk about expectations.

Are you thinking of dating her? Does their relationship involve you sexually, romantically or emotionally? Have you talked to her about expectations? About what you are hoping for? What you want this relationship to look like? Because it sounds like you guys are just wandering around in the dark waiting for something to bite you in the ass.

I'm glad you are all connecting better after some misunderstandings but thous are going to keep happening if you don't start communicating.

Personally I would be scared to death to be with a guy who dumped me because his wife was grumpy. That doesn't feel like a safe relationship where I'm considered and respected.

Spend some time thinking about what you want, for yourself, for your husband and for his other relationship. Ask them to do the same. You guys need to see if your even on the same page about what these relationships will look like.

 

[Squidsquare]

Your husband dumped his girlfriend because you were in a bad mood and he assumed it was about her?

It was more complex than that, he has trouble reading emotions and he was reading both of us wrong and admits he over reacted and freaked.

He was upset because he didn't get alone time he didn't ask for?

It wasn't like he was off the rails angry he simply stated that he was a little bummed that they didn't have a moment alone.

Since the "freakout" as it is now affectionately known we have changed our communication flow so that misunderstandings aren't happening. It was more than a case of the grumps I was in a major hormone cyclone and an honest raging nutbag. I believe it to be the start of the menopause.

She and I are connecting romantically which has taken I think us all by surprise but it's a welcome one. We are very new and of course we are bound to have some fumbles but it's been just plan amazing since we talked it out.

She is very respected and very much an equal part of the relationship. We aren't trying to have a unicorn but a partner. It's just there are some things we can't anticipate like my uterus turning against me.

 

[Tinwen]

So that's us. Three people falling head over heels for each other and trying to learn all the ins and outs to a 3 person relationship. It's been amazing save for the dark week as it shall forever be known. I can't believe how lucky I am.

She and I are connecting romantically which has taken I think us all by surprise but it's a welcome one. We are very new and of course we are bound to have some fumbles but it's been just plan amazing since we talked it out.

Sounds overall nice

I am not sure if this is merely an intoductory post (reads like the beginning of a block), or if you are looking for advice.

Question: How is her relationship with her husband? You don't mentioned they are in an open relationship, but she seems to be comming over really often. It seems relevant to me for the dynamics of the situation if they are still together, living together, if they have a don't ask don't tell policy or what. Is he really on board?

I second this:

Spend some time thinking about what you want, for yourself, for your husband and for his other relationship. Ask them to do the same. You guys need to see if your even on the same page about what these relationships will look like.

Because...

I started hinting to my hubs that this might be more that sexual and that if it were I was ok with that.

... is not a very clear statement. What is it you are ok with? Where are your hard and soft limits? Especially in term of life entanglement. You should really clarify and make sure your husband and gf know so they can make informed decisions. Just some questions for inspiration:
How much time do you need for your relationship with your husband? How much alone time is absolutely must? How much slack is there besides family obligations?
What are your jealousy triggers? Overnights, romantic gestures, alone time, fluid bonding... are you willing to work on them?
If you have a bad day again, do you expect him to cancel a date with her? What if both of you have a crisis?
Do you expect the relationship to last, or do you think this is a short affair?
If their relationship lasts, how would you like your life in, say, 3 years?
Is it possible to have a shared household?
What if your husband arrives at a place where he wants to treat both really equally, eg a 50/50 timesplit?
What if she doesn't want to be involved with you in any way after all. Are you ok with keeping the relationships separate (in the sense of you two not meeting)? What are the limits there?

It's of to say "I don't know" to some of these, but you should communicate that too.
Good luck, Tinwen

 

[Squidsquare]

Sounds overall nice

I am not sure if this is merely an intoductory post (reads like the beginning of a block), or if you are looking for advice.

It was meant as an introduction. One that I guess was worded clumsy.

Question: How is her relationship with her husband?

Pretty much in a staying together for their child situation. Separate bedrooms and all.

As for the statement about me being ok with it. The conversation was long but I was summarizing. Basically I told him that she was special. I could feel it and I could see it in his eyes when he saw her and that I knew he was falling in love and I thought that it was amazing and that I was all in for whatever relationship they were developing. Since the beginning she and I have developed feelings for each other as well so for now we are pretty much in a triad.

It's an amazing feeling and I just wanted a place to share it.

 

[Tinwen]

It was meant as an introduction.

I see. Maybe you could ask a mod to move your thread to Introductions or Life stories and blogs section then. The poly relationship corner is the place where people ask advice - nothing wrong with posting here, but people try to problem-solve then, when there are perhaps no problems you want to solve.

I am glad you are feeling so great about the developing relationship. Makes me optimistic too

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Squidsquare,

Sounds like you have a wonderful poly relationship started, in spite of hitting a few speed bumps. I am happy for you and just want to be here for you if you have any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.