Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Yeah, right? WarMan was freaking out the other day, because his Facebook is a fake name, with ZERO accurate information on it. It still recommended his brother and some extended family members to him.

Facebook had recommend I friend the guy that sexually assaulted me a while back. We had zero friends in common or overlap. The only thing I could think of was that he was still in my cell phone list of contacts - because I had blocked the number. WarMan's thing though - his real cell phone number is not attached to his Facebook. So I don't know what's up with that.
 
I think it may suggest people if *they* have your email address that's associated with your account and used one of the "find your friends" type things.
 
Not applicable in my mom's case, or mine. So I dunno.
 
Well, my mom JUST got an email address last week and has two contacts. And I certainly never gave the jerkface my email. *shrugs*
 
Oh my! Just got my new social security card, with my new name!
 
PunkRockAwesomesauce and WarMan taught me how to paint miniatures last night. I had a lot of fun, and I don't think I was too terrible. I've done single-color touch ups to my WarMachine models before, but never attempted to start from scratch.

This is Maxwell Finn, a Cygnar solo, and a Talon mercenary light warjack:

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Both are still a work in progress. The jack needs the spear done, and the color shoulder needs a wash so it isn't so bright. Finn needs a whole bunch of stuff - he's still rather flat looking. Both need bases done. Still, I feel really good about how these look for my first time trying this out. Honestly, I am excited about painting more in the future! Previously, I spent a lot of time hoping PunkRock had free time to paint my stuff, and since I feel confident now, I can do my own. It will be a lesser quality, but it'll be playable, anyway. :)
 
Bluebird said:
Well, my mom JUST got an email address last week and has two contacts. And I certainly never gave the jerkface my email. *shrugs*
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Ugh, that's a terrible situation with respect to social media. As a researcher I'm sometimes alarmed by how social media sites mine personal data, and sometimes this is the result

Yesterday The Signal got The Star as a recommended connection in LinkedIn and almost connected by accident. That would have led to an interesting conversation. She can't figure out how to block her now and is treating the situation with equal parts amusement and disgust.
 
Still loving my new-found hobby of painting miniatures. :) I got Finn and my jack all done, and now PunkRock is basing them for me. Soon they will be completely finished.

Last night I was feeling really introspective, and upbeat about the future. All 3 of my guys are the bomb, yo. I am really lucky to have such support and love in my life!

This morning starts another emotional day! My youngest's senior pictures are in about an hour - we're having a photographer come up to the shop in Shippensburg, PA where she builds her furniture, to take some shots. She's going to have a set in the shop, and some outside, if the weather will cooperate. I spent yesterday pretty much out and about, shopping with my daughter, finding clothing and makeup for today. Her prom is later, and that should be fun too! I am so excited for her.

Still, it's rough to know that this is the end for her and homeschooling. And the end for me, being a homeschooling parent. Or, the end for me at having children in school at home. My babies are all grown up! I am going to miss this - my life as a mom. That said, I am looking forward to the changes coming up too. It's just a mixed bag of messy emotions. But, I'm happy overall!

I managed 3 older adopted kids to adulthood. No teen pregnancies, no drop outs - all graduates. None of them left home in a huff, hating me. All of them still call me mom and for that, I feel accomplished.
 
Oh! My daughter is gorgeous! Her photos are going to be amazing. It was the perfect level of sunny out too, after such a rainy and dismal week! That said, when her date arrived for prom tonight, it started pouring in the middle of those pictures! They had to run to my neighbor's house to escape the deluge. Luckily, my neighbor has a photography studio in her basement and we were able to take care of the rest of the shots there.

All of the picture-taking stuff was positive and fun.

The memorial luncheon for DarkKnight's late grandfather was also today, but that was a big bummer. Not for sad emotions though - he passed a few months ago and everyone seemed to be rather on the upswing and chatty - it was more like a family reunion than a funeral type event. No, what sucked about it was that almost everyone there ignored me and treated me as if I wasn't there. My mother in law turned away when I arrived, and several of DarkKnight's aunts deliberately left conversations to snub me when I walked in their direction. It was really shitty. Thankfully, DarkKnight's favorite cousin was there, and I hung out with his wife the entire time. She is very accepting and cool with me being poly. Actually, she had me laughing a lot, and me having a good time was probably the best thing, honestly. She told me that she liked sitting with me, because then she didn't have to socialize with anyone else - since it was clear all the other family was avoiding me. That was pretty funny. :) Anyway, I told DarkKnight that I probably wouldn't attend any other events with his extended family in the future.
 
Bluebird said:
I managed 3 older adopted kids to adulthood. No teen pregnancies, no drop outs - all graduates. None of them left home in a huff, hating me. All of them still call me mom and for that, I feel accomplished.
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And you SHOULD! That is a wonderful accomplishment and you are an awesome mom for achieving it!
 
Wondering... since you home-schooled, who holds the Prom and where? Is it organized by other home-schooling families that you network and teach for? Or is it at a local high school, organized by the school district? How big of an event is it?

I'm just curious because I don't know how these things work. I never went to my Prom. In fact I am not even sure my graduating class had one (my year was 1978; I dropped out in '77). I remember we were all voting for a Senior Luncheon instead because we thought Proms were "square," and most kids in my class wanted to be hippies, haha. I have no idea how any kids go to Proms, much less home-schooled kids.
 
It depends on the school district. Some states have laws that say that homeschoolers are allowed to participate in clubs, sports and activities. Some don't mention it at all, and still others strictly prohibit homeschoolers. Where I live, homeschoolers are on their own for stuff like that. It always was ok for us, as the sports my daughter was interested in - horseback riding, parkour, fencing, softball, soccer - all had private leagues or were offered outside of public school anyway. For this and other dances, the local homeschool groups will plan them independently and charge to recoup their costs. This prom was held by our local co-op group. Funny - my daughter's prom date had been invited to 2 other homeschool proms, so this was his third in the last month! That's why when people ask about socialization - it really is the least important thing. Communities have tons of activities for kids!

I have a headache today. Blech. I had lunch this morning at Red Robin with DarkKnight, as he had a birthday burger credit there this month. Then he left for D&D and I just spent some time doing more laundry and painting models with PunkRock and WarMan. I had to stop though as Advil doesn't seem to be helping. I need to lay down. Last night I cracked out on like 4 episodes of Sister Wives. I think I might go watch another.

It's funny, but I pay really close attention to how Cody (the guy and only husband of the family) acts as a hinge. He really ignores his wives' complaints a lot of times. Like, he discounts them and goes on like everything is ok. I don't know how he manages four wives and 17 kids. There is no time for anything! When I look at my life, holy crap, but I am glad I don't have 17 children!
 
Big fight/discussion/upset with WarMan last night. I just...ugh. I am unhappy with how things went.

I have things to do but I don't want to get out of bed. I also don't want to process anymore what was said to me last night. So getting out of bed and focusing on other things would probably be for the best, but I have no energy.

I am angry. I am hurt. I feel wounded. I DON'T trust WarMan. I am exhausted trying to process and think about things. I'm at the point where putting together words is an effort. By the time I've finished the first half of a sentence, I forget what is supposed to follow or what the point was I was trying to make.

I will write more tomorrow maybe.
 
So, I had a therapy session yesterday morning, and I told the therapist I wanted to focus on my relationship with WarMan. Honestly, last night was the first time in a quite a few days that I felt reconnected and Calm with WarMan. Things have not been good. The therapist helped, but not how I expected.

WarMan is a living embodiment of stress right now. His work has him burnt out, worked up and seriously unhappy. I don't know how to relate to him when he is upset and I am in a position where I can't do much to help.

The therapist thought it sounded like being in poly situation for WarMan is not a positive thing. He said that it sounds like WarMan is having issues at his job and then goes immediately over to spend time with Monkey, where he is faced with more drama and stress he is supposed to help solve, or he leaves work and then goes immediately to spend time with me, where he is faced with my insecurity and attachment issues that he has no hope in solving on his own. He has almost zero down time for himself, and so is really wiggling out. The therapist asked me how long I thought this was going to be sustainable? Because something was going to have to give, and if I didn't want it to be my relationship with him, there was going to have to be a steam release someplace else.

I was not sure what to do. I think a lot of it has to do with WarMan's own confusion. He doesn't really know how to effectively balance things, and he asks me for contradictory things. A week or so ago he asked me if I thought it would help to cut all date nights and just not have a schedule. Then I did that this week, and he asked me why he only had a sleepover on Sunday and Wednesday nights. He ended up shuffling Monkey's hangout time earlier, and asked me for some Netflix and Chill time last night. There's not much else I can do. I really personally need a date night. My own life is busy enough that if it isn't on the schedule, I won't be able to reshuffle.

I told him what the therapist said. That something had to be reduced to give him some breathing space. He can't cut hours at work and I certainly have already been giving him the least amount of time I am comfortable with. He pushed me to say that I thought he should see less of Monkey. He is seeing her about 3x a week. He should take one of those days and just disappear - paint, read, breathe. I don't think he will though. I think it's imperative that he give himself a full day recharge though - just temporarily.

Honestly, I won't manage this for him. I'm not his mother and I don't want to be.

That said, what kicked all this off as a spark was that I was looking at some houses online, and he told me out of nowhere that I needed to consider housing options that took in mind he would be dating again, and I should buy a house would work for a new partner as well. I am not kidding - I seriously was flabbergasted by this. I told him that if he was considering dating right now, I would be bowing out. There's no way that any of his relationships were in a healthy place and that I have zero faith in him as a good hinge right now. Plus, I do not feel at all comfortable about him bringing other partners to our shared spaces right now.

That really upset him, and he told me that I wasn't really poly because there was no time I would ever be satisfied that there was no drama. I told him that was unfair, as I have had poly partners in the past, and I have been okay with PunkRock dating, though he decided to not move forward with things then. I think it was a day after this, we had another talk and WarMan again accused me of having too many rules surrounding him dating, so I actually pulled out my rule list for PunkRock, read them aloud, and asked WarMan to please pull out the ones that were one-sided or bullshit.

Of course he couldn't, because the rules PunkRock and I have are just dandy, and not really rules at all.

He did say he didn't want to date anyone right now, but that he wanted to be clear he may want to in the future. I told him that was fine, but did he really think that was the most important thing to discuss right now?

Last night WarMan told me that I could help him be less stressed if I did help him with his healthcare scheduling. I had been nagging on him about that, because he has outstanding lab work, an MRI and specialist visits that he hasn't done in months. And a chief complaint he had is how miserable his health is and how his body is falling apart, yet he doesn't follow up to try and fix anything. He told me that when he is stressed and depressed, that healthcare is just one more thing he can't press forward and do - something has to just not be done. When he put it that way, that resonated with me, because I am the same way when I am drained by life - I do the bare minimum and everything else is ignored.

But he can't ignore his health! So he asked if I would help with that, so I am going to. I told him that he isn't alone, that I can be a partner - that he might not be used to that, but everyone in this household will help.

I feel optimistic. This relationship still feels very right and positive and I love this man. Today is our 9 month mark. He told me this morning the only romantic relationship he's had that has lasted this long is the one with his ex-wife. I'm glad - overall I am brainstorming ways I can help make his life less stressful that won't cause any upset in mine and I have some thoughts.

So that's where we are at right now.

Other things going on - my daughter graduates in a month, today is my one year wedding anniversary with PunkRock and we're traveling this weekend away, and DarkKnight and I have a date night tonight, even though it will probably be at the grocery store! I need to shower now because my son has an emergency dental appointment and I will be going with him to drive him and set up other appointments and pay.
 
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It sounds like WarMan wants a wife in the classic sense where she'll do all of his scheduling and keeping track of things for him. Yet he also thinks he wants more then one partner when he can't seem to juggle the stresses of having "2" at the moment. Seems he needs to take a step back and really think about what he wants and what things in his life are causing him stress and which stresses provide enough benefits in order to live with. Work is a major stressor but you need the income it provides to live. Does the benefits of a romantic relationship outweigh the stress it causes? Does the benefits of a friendship outweigh the stress that it causes? Only he can figure those things out.
 
I always hesitate to comment on your blog, because I talk to Warman fairly regularly and I really only know you from what I read on your blog, so I tend to think that it would make me appear, (and maybe even be?) biased.... though I try not to do that and to look at things logically.

Given all of that, I don't really intend to comment here and say what anyone should or shouldn't do, but I can't help but feel like a big part of the contention and issues between you 2 is still miscommunication and misinterpretation of what each other says. When I hear anything from Warman about these sort of issues and how he feels about something I get a very different picture of what he's saying. I'm not pointing fingers and saying that either of you is in the right or wrong here. But if either or both of you is misinterpreting what the other is saying about how they feel or what they want, then that's not really helping anyone! And it's hard to come to resolution on any issue when everyone is talking past each other.

I know Warman loves you to pieces and really wants to make this work, he tells me so, and certainly he has his own issues to work through and isn't perfect, since he tells me that too. I'll merely suggest to you the same thing that I've suggested to him. Before either of you ever reacts to something said, it might first be helpful to repeat the other person's statement in your own words. That way each of you can confirm the meaning/intent of what the other says before you decide how you want to respond, or if what each person is saying is actually as upsetting as first thought.

I'm glad to read that you're feeling optimistic though!! I'm hoping things work out!

Also, I completely agree with you on the health first thing, hurting all the time sucks and is bound to make anyone a pain in the ass :(
 
It sounds like WarMan wants a wife in the classic sense where she'll do all of his scheduling and keeping track of things for him. Yet he also thinks he wants more then one partner when he can't seem to juggle the stresses of having "2" at the moment. Seems he needs to take a step back and really think about what he wants and what things in his life are causing him stress and which stresses provide enough benefits in order to live with. Work is a major stressor but you need the income it provides to live. Does the benefits of a romantic relationship outweigh the stress it causes? Does the benefits of a friendship outweigh the stress that it causes? Only he can figure those things out.
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Actually, he has never indicated that he wants help with keeping track of things, etc. He does the opposite - he is overloaded and just doesn't do things, rather than ask for help. When he is approached with help, he is quick to say he is fine and I think he feels uncomfortable with the idea of others assisting him.

Right now he's stressed but doesn't want to cut anything. He has to figure something out.

I brainstormed this morning and I am going to help him manage household stuff like maintaining his vehicle and doing laundry. Those are things that I can fit in my schedule, plus my daughter is on a kick needing cash so I can assign the car stuff to her and she'll benefit. I'm going to help tomorrow night finish setting up and decorating his office - there are a few piles of boxes still, and I am sure having everything done will give him at least an uncluttered space to work. I am going to try and make our date nights as relaxing as possible - sometimes we run errands during that time and I am going to try to make sure that doesn't happen as often, or at all, until his work situation calms down. Honestly, I think he needs to take Thursday nights and cut out Monkey and me - just spend that time painting or chilling out. Right now he is at Monkey's every other week and helping her run her D&D, and he's told me he doesn't really enjoy it much but wants to be there for her. And the opposite week is supposed to be the new Iron Kingdom's RPG that he would be playing with me, but it hasn't started yet. He really should just take that night and have a break!
 
Given all of that, I don't really intend to comment here and say what anyone should or shouldn't do, but I can't help but feel like a big part of the contention and issues between you 2 is still miscommunication and misinterpretation of what each other says. When I hear anything from Warman about these sort of issues and how he feels about something I get a very different picture of what he's saying. I'm not pointing fingers and saying that either of you is in the right or wrong here. But if either or both of you is misinterpreting what the other is saying about how they feel or what they want, then that's not really helping anyone! And it's hard to come to resolution on any issue when everyone is talking past each other.
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Of course there are two sides to every story. However, I stand by everything I've written here. I actually feel really good about the communication between WarMan and I lately. I don't really want to hear anything secondhand from you, to be honest. That probably WOULD cause contention. I have always encouraged him to talk to other poly people like you, and will continue to do so though. But cross talking in my blog isn't a good idea, I don't think. He said/she said from a removed party isn't going to be helpful to me. When he reads my entries, we talk about them if he thinks there is an issue we still haven't resolved.

Today has been absolutely insane and I need to eat an entire cake to feel better. (I won't, but if there were ever a day where eating feelings was needed, this was it!) Every single doctor appointment I called about for WarMan needed extra info or there was a problem (his paperwork has been sitting for 5 months so they want new referrals, etc) or places just didn't call me back. My son's dental appointment ran late and he needs to see a specialist - at higher cost. When I got home finally, my Chem lab today was missing a crucial item and I ended up having to cancel it and place an order online for the equipment - for which all the reviews were garbage. Then my wifi wasn't working and I couldn't print quizzes. Then the short class ended up being a regular length class because all of the students needed a math review. And I had to schedule one kiddo for remedial help for tomorrow, on my day off. Afterward I took my son grocery shopping and I managed to pay one bill. Tomorrow my to-do is crazy long. I STILL haven't planned where PunkRock and I are actually traveling to this weekend - it's a toss up and he works tonight until 9:30 pm. DarkKnight and I went to Jersey Mike's for dinner and we picked up some yard stuff at Home Depot, and now it's time for me to veg out on Fallout 3 and forget about today's nonsense.
 
Bluebird said:
Of course there are two sides to every story. However, I stand by everything I've written here. I actually feel really good about the communication between WarMan and I lately. I don't really want to hear anything secondhand from you, to be honest. That probably WOULD cause contention. I have always encouraged him to talk to other poly people like you, and will continue to do so though. But cross talking in my blog isn't a good idea, I don't think. He said/she said from a removed party isn't going to be helpful to me. When he reads my entries, we talk about them if he thinks there is an issue we still haven't resolved.
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I completely understand, which is why I definitely didn't want to say anything specific. I figured a possible misunderstanding of meaning is ultimately probably less problematic then actually just completely disagreeing on an important issue. Either way, I'm glad that you guys have been doing a lot of communicating! And of course, in the future, I'll make a point to keep my comments to less contentious things, like....

Holy crap dealing with doctors offices sucks! Frankly, I find it amazing that a profession that takes so many years of detailed training, education, etc. is often so poorly run. I too often get doctors who won't return phone calls, screw up appointments, and have crazy late fee and cancellation policies even though they'll make me wait well past my appointment time, etc. Grrr!
 
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