The story of Spork.

Yeahhhh...love how I re-read stuff I wrote the day before with a new day's perspective on it (my gosh this blogging stuff is super useful!) and I can condense that whole ramble about the ex into:

"I keep wishing that he would be a reasonable person, and despite knowing that he is coo-coo for cocopuffs, batshit banana-balls in the head, he manages to surprise me anew with his contentiousness and determination to NOT be a reasonable person."

Why do I let this keep surprising me? I know why I left the man.

??


Lunch day with Zen. Need to figure out where we are going.

And tonight I get to go see some friends music act thing at a bar that I like. I was invited to another event with Fire and Hefe...another band, friends of theirs... I had to make a choice, they say it's cool so I hope/assume it is. The band they are going to see is not really that much my style. I wish my younger brother could come visit from Virginia and see them, it would be totally his thing, but... If I were more into drinking and dancing maybe. The thing I am going to see is a little more on the weird, wacky, artsy side of stuff, a little darker...just a better fit for my personal preferences. I need to stop thinking along the lines that every choice has to be what other people want and pleasing and putting energy into others is the purpose of my life. It's ok for me to choose activities for me. And no guilt is needed for such a choice.

Wow!

Big idea to work into my reality. Maybe a major theme in this phase of my life...I've already realized it was a big issue in my art hangups, this notion I had to clear my obligations to others (that I made up in my head) before I could just do whatever... I actually have to give myself permission to not feel guilty about what I choose to do, for myself, with my life and my time, if it's not done to please others. I don't have to choose my activities by asking myself if I'm in "energy debt" to people or prioritizing who it is most important to put maintenance time into. I can just...do a thing because I want to.

So.

Still no word from Worm King. I wonder if he just has rare nights where he's sitting at home drinking alone and shoots me those "out of nowhere" messages then...but then in the sober light of day has no real desire to see me, doesn't want me around. There I go again, questioning what's behind his flaky behavior. It doesn't matter.

Whatever was going on with my chemically or physically has wound down a bit. I kind of wish I could just take a social hiatus from all relationships and contact with others, and spend some time alone making art. I can't do that...I have work and my son in the apartment and life going on. But I wish I could. My focus is shifting inward a little bit today.
 
Yesterday's lunch with Zen wound up being a second visit to a pizza place we've discovered, the kind with the NY style and good garlic knots and parmesan cheese and grease that gets everywhere. One of those "I don't think I should eat here all the time, but once in a while it's pretty yummy" sorts of places.

Last night I went down to the bar where our friend was playing with her new music act comprised of herself on ukulele and vocals and her British boyfriend ("Liverpool John") on a small guitar and vocals. They are doing something with sea chanties. It's pretty cool actually. They both have a lot of talent. And it just so happened to also be the biweekly get together at that particular bar for the local BDSM community (a happy happenstance although she is part of the community too, she didn't really plan it this way.) So many friends were there. And some sketchy barfolk...you know it's funny, the people who were acting creepy and skeevy were the muggles. The vanilla-mono-normalfolk, who were getting too drunk and too forward. The kinksters respect each other too much to act like that.

No big thing, I minded my drink and my space and had a fine good time.

None of my loves were there. Fire and Hefe, and I think maybe Analyst too, were at the other show, that they invited me to but I didn't care to go. Frankly the band they were going to see, while talented and good, just is a bit too normal to be my preference if weirder entertainment is available.

I'd say that a duet involving a Rocky Mountain Flirt playing a uke and an old British hippie in a suit who lives out of a van (by choice) in a certain neighboring artsy mountain town, singing sea chanties nowhere near a sea, to an audience of kinky people...is weird enough to pique my interest. Then the fact that it was the normals who acted "weird" is just funny on top of it.

Now it is a small world even in a mid-size city like Colorado Springs and if you're part of a certain age demo and have done online dating there does come a point where odds are you've crossed certain paths in common. I have a lady friend from the scene (mostly discussion groups) who has spoken on OKC to the Worm King. She knows how things went down between him and I, and she doesn't have the best opinion of him despite me telling her again and again things like:
- He was amazing in bed and I'd go back any time he asked.
- I have no idea if he is that flaky to all women or was just that flaky to ME. Maybe he just wasn't that into me, y'know? It's ok.

Well she says she knows another woman who was just getting out of a bad relationship and got online, and that he did basically the same shtick with her...a woman who had only in common with me the position in life of just being fresh out of a bad marriage and vulnerable and a newly single Mom, and in the same approximate age range. No similarities otherwise in appearance or kink or personality. And just like me, ol' WK swooped in and made his move, had an intense couple of weeks with her, and then ghosted and flaked out and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

So I guess it isn't me, it's him, and this is just how he rolls. Alright. *shrug*

Anyways it's a small ol' world indeed because come to find out the lady who is mutual friends of me, and this other woman, and who has spoken with online but dodged dating WK, evidently has discovered that her family is old friends with members of his extended family. A youth who committed suicide and they both were posting condolences on a Facebook page, revealed this connection. (The young man was a relative to WK and part of the family-friend connection with my friend from the discussion groups.)

Anyways. Weirdly coincidental shit.

And yanno, I don't really grasp the need some people (particularly men) have to end good, fun interactions when they are still going great. I talked to Supernova about this, he likes to have brief intense affairs with fantastic sex and even "in love" feelings but then end them quickly and never see or speak to the woman again. Love her as a memory. I find that cruel. I understand not wanting commitment, to be tied down or have your life invaded or demands made. But to allow or invite emotional attachment and then abandon people who have come to have feelings, even if they are 100% solid on not trying to push your life boundaries, even if all they want is to be occasional f-buddies... Well, I really don't get it. Especially the ones who won't tell you upfront that this is how they do (and few of them will)...I actually find this behavior rather repugnant. I get it if the sex didn't feel like a good match or you don't really dig the other person, not that into them, moving on. But to actually really enjoy everything about it and end it quick just because...? Why?

Maybe it's the monofolk thing of needing to be free and single to keep pursuing more and more partners, even from people who are supposedly supposed to be poly, and shouldn't need to ditch one to enjoy the next.
 
You know what I find really hard to cope with??

Being at work, or even occupied with "must do" admin stuff at home (this was a big problem when I was doing online college classes), and suddenly having such an intensely distracting idea in my mind that it's hard to focus on what I'm trying to do. Two things can grab my grey matter like this...art, and sex fantasy. What's the absolute WORST is when it's both. In other words I've got an idea for a rather adult piece of art that I desperately want to make and it's both firing my desire to create and my more primitive brain, and making it a challenge to focus on work. *sigh* I shall soldier on.

But if I can retain the urge to do this and activate it at a more appropriate time when I am free to act upon it, then I'll have the perfect piece to make for Zen...

More thoughts and updates in a bit...fun stuff happened this weekend, and I've got a philosophical process cooking away in the back of my mind as well...
 
So. This weekend was fun, a good mix of activity and relaxation. Friday night was Zen night as per usual, we had our play time and then got tacos and went back to my place to watch a movie...I made him watch my favorite awesome/awful film, "Your Highness." It's nerdy-good and horribly bad all at the same time, and I love it.

Saturday, I flaked out on a house party I was considering going to, and stayed home. I moved Ninja into the apartment, and he's happy to not be dealing with his Dad's bad attitude all the time now, although Q has been prickly and they've butted heads a little bit. Q has scarcity anxiety. He always worries that there is "not enough." Not enough food. Money. Love/attention. Not enough. And he feels that his brother is competition for his resources, deep down. None of this is really conscious stuff, it just happens. And he gets upset, feels that his space is being intruded on and his resources taken. In this circumstance, it's kind of understandable. We've had some tight budget weeks, and we live in a small apartment. Ninja is now sleeping on the couch. Q flatly refused to let his brother utilize any of the space in his room for anything, and got really defensive when I suggested we could store any of Ninja's stuff in there or anything. My position wound up being that if he did not want to let his brother share his room for any reason, then he had to accept that his brother would need priority in the living room. So if Ninja wants to use the living room TV, even if Q is already there, then Q has to make way and go to his room. We have to establish some "right of way" rules to facilitate harmony, as I will not have conflict constantly erupting in the small space we all have to share.

Again, how annoying is it that Old Wolf now resides in the 5 bedroom house we bought to raise these kids in, all by himself, hoping only to leave it behind as a monument to his having accomplished SOMETHING with his life and a hopeful bait to a new woman to share life with...but whatever. I still suspect he'll end up having to sell it in the divorce. Time will tell.

So Saturday was getting Ninja settled, and cleaning the apartment, running laundry, and relaxing.

Sunday, I went to Fire & Hefe's house with Analyst, and Reecy and Liverpool John came over for grilled bison steaks and Game of Thrones. Nice "family" get together with the quad and friends. I slept over, and then went home yesterday around noonish. Unfortunately my "Shark Week" hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday and uncommonly high levels of cramping and pain along with it, so I spent yesterday afternoon sleeping that off. Then Zen came over last night on a spur of the moment invite to watch the recent Game of Thrones with me, though I'd seen it already, he doesn't have HBO so it was good he got to see it. Next weekend will be a busy one, I've got many plans, so I was glad we seized the opportunity for him to catch up.

I missed going up to Denver on Sunday for the pyro workshop, but they were doing cell popping, which I guess is like microbranding with hot needles...and anything involving needles is a big NOPE for me. I missed seeing Saskia and Supernova and Dom Sabre who has now started going to those meetings and indicated he might want to do dinner with me before them if that works out...so in other words one of my favorite community leaders and two of the men who might eventually become casual partners (but I haven't made up my mind and I'm in no hurry.) But I've realized that I might just have to miss things sometimes, I can't always run myself ragged trying to do every activity.

I've got to put some thought into what I'm doing next month...the plan for Comic Con and Pride is now for Zen and I to go up there Friday, spend Friday night, and then come back down Saturday after CC activities have wound down, since Zen has to work on Sunday morning. The only issue I have there, is that I've also got pyro that Sunday night and I'm not sure if I want to drive back and then drive back up to Denver...but at the same time though, it makes sense to do it that way. And while it costs me time and gas money, it saves me having to pay for another night in a hotel, so there's that...

So tracking timelines on communication with the Worm King, I'd last seen him 9/16 of last year...heard from him directly 12/22...then he picked up talking to me again on 5/13, saying he wanted to get together "soon." Two weeks went by and then he pings me again last night, again with the "I'd like to hang out soon" stuff. I told him that while I did have a busy week ahead, some of my plans are flexible and I'm just waiting for him to let me know when an evening opens up for him...as I have no notion what his schedule or inclination for company might be on any given day. Seems to be the format of our conversations. He says he misses me or is thinking of me and wants to get together, I give him an idea of my availability and remind him that the ball is in his court, and then I hear nothing from him for some period of time. I don't know if he expects me to chase after him, but I won't. I'm willing, not desperate.

Sometimes I think maybe he just pings the women he has had flings with, to check and see which of us are still available to him, but without intent to actually do anything about it. But then again, interacting with or thinking of him always has me trying to imagine what on earth he could be thinking of with the way he acts, and I know it's a mistake to do. Fire thinks that his behavior is out of line, and I should not be willing to mess with him, and it's only the fact that my needs aren't truly being met that makes me willing to revisit his crazyland. I don't necessarily agree, or at least insofar as the enjoyment I got from him was a unique thing. And it's not so much a need at this point that isn't being met, it's something I enjoyed enough to still want it...at least if I can bring enough awareness along with me, so I don't expect anything much from him. I feel that the bottom line there is, "I take what I can get, but expect nothing." And if I am ok with that, and can live with that, then fine. If not, the alternative is to shut down all communication with him and cut him from my life and hope to forget him one day. While he is (obviously) still very much on my mind, I no longer feel emotional turmoil where he is concerned and I think I can avoid revisiting that, which was mostly rooted in confusion and insecurity. I wanted more than I was going to be allowed to have, and I didn't know it until I was trying to grasp at it and being denied. Now I have no sense of entitlement or expectation, just a vague bemused hope and mild curiosity. He is a want, perhaps a wish, not a need. And I still feel that I owe him a debt of gratitude as I have learned a lot about myself, from processing my feelings towards him.
 
So. Philosophical thinking today.

Humans have this really annoying tendency to latch on to nebulous concepts, like religion, ideologies that are political or social, economical, even scientific. Seriously, even the SCIENCE community can't always agree on things, and arguments can get heated. You see this on the internet when people argue and really, any point can be backed up with "facts" that you can cite from "sources" online now. Nothing is absolute fact or truth. Or at least, nothing worth talking about! So, as I learned to say back when I read my first serious conspiracy theory book (it was Jim Marrs) the truth ends up being simply whatever one is comfortable believing.

I like that though. Because if we can accept that...REALLY accept that...we can let go of our egos which demand that My Truth is THE Truth, and everyone must submit and agree! That mentality has caused more human-on-human atrocity, or at least justified it, than anything else I think, in hundreds of years. You get two people who don't agree about something that each thinks they've got The Truth on, and they'll argue until they can't stand it anymore and just start beating each other over the head. The beauty of the internet is that it makes it a lot less convenient to beat our opponents over the head. The ugliness of the internet is that because the "I may get beaten over the head" danger is reduced or eliminated, we can be jerks to each other a lot more with not much fear of reprisal. Hm. And yet still humans cling to their Right to The Truth mentalities.

Still, we have concepts celebrating people who stand up for their Truths, no matter the adversity. Who just cannot accept that while their Truth might be True for them, that another person has just as much right to a True Truth that might be different, and that Absolute Truth that we must all agree upon, simply doesn't exist!

There is no such thing.

The more ways in which we, as humans, can wrap our silly little minds around this, the more evolved and civilized we become. Of course the opposite of this is fanaticism and we've got plenty of that, too, on pretty much all ideological fronts.

What does this have to do with anything? Well here we are, doing radical relating, in our poly community. We are making up the rules as we go, many of us. We are digging in and breaking down into basic components, so many of the assumed norms we are brought up to believe about how you've got to be and do, in love and sex and family. We are accepting that Truths about these things vary an awful lot from one person to another. And what makes some of us happy won't work for everybody, and vice versa. Your poly is not my poly, and that's ok.

And that is REALLY COOL in my opinion.

It's civilized. It's rational. It's voluntary, and it's free.

I have expounded many a time in the last year (and more) on what exactly love means to me. I have learned that there are some aspects to my love behavior that should really be presented up front to prospective partners, regardless of the intended depth or casualness of our interaction. And that there are others in this world who will not only disagree with me, but who will in fact feel THREATENED by the difference in my approach, to the Truth that they feel for themselves. But just as they have a right to their Truth, so I also have a right to mine. And I will not compromise my Truths to appease someone else. It is part of my freedom and my growth as a person, that I am really thinking of ways in which I can and should respect myself in relationships. So. I will, in the near future, be drafting up my own Relationship Bill of Rights for me. I'm not going to spring this on people once I'm in relationships with them, but I'm going to share it early on, if I find myself back in the dating market. I can definitely accept that some potential partners might not agree with my ideas. That is fine. But if my ideas and needs make them feel threatened, or are dealbreakers for them, then it is, in my opinion, a lot more fair to have that out in the open in the beginning.

This goes beyond disclaimers, and "no addicts, no players, no drama" type crap you see on dating profiles. This is something that has brushed the edges of my thinking a lot in recent months. This is something I think I need to do, and I'm pretty darn excited about it.
 
So part of my inner self is kind of uh...laughing hysterically right now. This just isn't the kind of thing that is this funny to anyone but me. Maybe.

A new guy started at my workplace, and he is a VERY, VERY pretty young man. He looks a bit like the musician, Voltaire, whom I have always thought was one of the sexiest of men. Although for some reason...not exactly my type. I mean, he SHOULD be my type. But he's almost TOO pretty. I dunno, maybe my type has changed since the Worm King threw me for a loop, since him, I've ruled out the younger men and gone for the older ones. Whatever, I don't know.

Have you ever found someone very attractive, and yet at the same time...not really been that attracted to them? I would paint his picture before I'd get naked with him I think.

Anyways, he looked familiar to me though. A nagging suspicion was forming in my mind. There was a young fellow I'd spoken to on OKC last year, and then also added on fetlife. I went on my break just now and checked FL and sure enough. That is my coworker!! I sent him a message to the effect of, "I think we are co-workers now, small world, huh??"

I mean, I've been sneaking glances at his fine self for the last week, and only now confirmed that indeed he's the same one I'd talked to and nearly hooked up with last year. But then didn't, because I decided he was too young and I wasn't looking for a random hookup. It's truly bizarre how I love to look at him but don't want to touch him. I can't figure out what's up with that conflict. Maybe I just don't like men who are prettier than me!?!? LOL!!!
 
It's gonna be a great weekend!

I've had plans fall through one day after another this week. Tuesday, I was supposed to go look at an apartment that Analyst might buy, with him, and it went under contract like an hour before we were supposed to go see it and so he didn't end up going. Then Wednesday, Q was supposed to have counseling, but he didn't want to do it, he wants to take a break for the summer or maybe even quit going, so we cancelled that. Yesterday I just didn't do much of anything in the evening after work, at all. I was half hoping Worm King might arrange a visit, but not really. There's the "expect nothing" mantra, but on top of that it's shark week and while that wouldn't stop me (and hasn't in the past) I feel I wouldn't be at my best...so I was like yeah maybe better if he doesn't reach out until maybe next week or something anyways. Just another "no skin off my back" element to that.

Honestly I wish I had the kind of friendships where I could have just called someone to hang out or chat or something. But I always feel like everyone is surely busy and no one wants to hear from me. So I sat home and did a bunch of nothing. Napped with my cat. Watched some TV with my kid. Chilled out. It wasn't BAD but I had a nagging feeling I should be doing something else, or wished I was, or something. Just a restlessness.

I should have been making art, but I really did not feel in the right headspace for it. I think I would have just frustrated myself.

So here I am today, and it's a beautiful morning, the sun is shining brightly and I had great music on the way into work and my mood is awesome.

This evening I'm doing dinner with Analyst. Tomorrow is Zen's night and First Friday's at the gay bar downtown (and OMG I LOVE FF! One of my favorite community activities!) and Saturday is the one play party I still routinely attend a month at Voodoo. I've cut back attendance because I'm trying to spend the kind of quality time my quad appreciates from me on the weekends, but I still really like to go sometimes. It's my compromise.

Then on Sunday, up to Denver for "Mental Health First Aid" training. We'll see how that goes. It's a tough subject for me. I viewed my ex as a mentally ill family member, and now he's comparing the fact that I left when I did as though a spouse were leaving their partner for having cancer or some kind of other illness or disability. Saying that I selfishly left when there was nothing in it for me anymore. Where is the line drawn? For me, it was where his behavior became extremely coercive, manipulative, and threatening, when I realized it was seriously harming my own health. I was constantly demanded to be sitting in the garage, listening to him ramble on at the mouth. If I went in the house, he'd follow and say things the kids should not hear, where they would hear, so instead I'd keep us out in the garage. I had to leave work and come home to listen to him sometimes or he'd blow up my phone with threats and craziness all day. He muttered about my life insurance and carried a loaded gun around. But he is my poster child for providing "mental health first aid" only I was blowing through bandaids like trying to patch a hemorrhaging wound with them, metaphorically speaking, and taking damage myself from it as I smoked and sat and didn't eat and lost weight and watched the stress lines form on my face... Not to mention how much Q was suffering, too. So when does the obligation to provide first aid end? Where is one justified in leaving an ailing spouse? His problems were too big for me, and if I thought I could have institutionalized him, I would have...but I know he would have come back and tried to kill me if I had. I don't know what else I could have done. I wonder if anyone at a class like this has an answer to such a question?

Anyways, I guess it ought to be interesting.
 
Oh for pete's sakes.

I messaged my coworker (I'm nicknaming him Spooky, because he's the gothiest guy I've seen in a while) on FL and said "hey, I guess we work together now haha" kinds of things and mentioned that we'd talked on OKC last year but I let that interaction drop off because I decided he was too young for me.

He said, "Well, I'm not getting any younger."

*raised eyebrow*

We work at different ends of the building in different departments of the office, so we haven't run into each other since I had my "I know him!" epiphany. I don't think he has noticed me, like I noticed him.

I sent him a message this morning, inviting him to come out to First Fridays tonight and/or the party tomorrow night. I don't recall if I tried to lure him out to the community last year when we were talking, or not, or what his response may have been if I did. So I guess we'll see. I'm not really trying to date him, but I'm always trying to pull more people in to Voodoo. The lady who runs the place, a really fantastic person, puts so much of her own money and time and effort into keeping the doors open, I want so badly to help by promoting the club whenever I can. It's a wonderful place. I want to share it with everyone, and I want it to continue to be there.

Now I am thinking the question, "What will I do if this hot young coworker actually decides to pursue sex with me?" I want to sit here and say I shall stick to my instinct and my wise self that tells me not to mess around with a coworker. Unfortunately, I am, as I've mentioned, very sexually restless (on and off) lately. I'm honestly afraid of making poor choices, and I'm really glad my sons live with me now, because at least it's easy to NOT bring people into my home...and that means I have to put a little more thought into what could otherwise be easy hookups with inadvisable partners.

Maybe Fire is right. My needs aren't really being met, I guess. I'm so thankful for Zen. Because really none of the quad is bringing much sexual intensity to my life lately. We have great times together. I adore them. Just feels like we're becoming a family of friends, and once in a while when I get some action with one or the other of the men, it's a brief and almost obligatory affair, that happens maybe once a month or something. We're not getting our group groove on much, and Fire and I aren't connecting on that level anymore, though we had a lot of hesitancy getting that going in the first place. So I just don't know. I have fantasies about being the subject of their simultaneous attention, but even if the clothes are off it's like we're all just hanging around talking about politics. How did we all get so shy all of a sudden? Unfortunately, there IS a level of bonding that is reinforced by sexual pleasure and shared sexual experiences. And I'm only getting that with Zen lately. And I think that Fire is getting it with a lover who is outside of the quad, too. It doesn't really bode that well for Hefe or Analyst, I don't think...but maybe things will improve at some point. Regardless, it can be in the cruise control zone of good close friendship, I suppose, and we'll wait and see.
 
So I don't drink. At all. I don't like how alcohol tastes, I'm picky like that, and at 37 years old, I will damn well be as picky as I please. I have never been drunk, or even "buzzed" ever. I used to smoke pot and do acid as a teenager, but never alcohol. Just not my thing.

Mostly people are fine with this. Especially since I often volunteer to drive so that they can safely drink if they want. It's all good.

I was at a bar not too long ago seeing a friend's musical act. Had a man who is new-ish to the community offer to buy me a drink. I told him, "I don't drink." He said, "Ever?" And I said, "Ever." I explained that I don't like the taste of alcohol and besides, I have alcoholics on both sides of my family and don't think it's a good habit for me to start.

He made a ~thinking face~ and then proceeded to do something like...explaining to me what alcohol is for?... He said, "OK, no you don't have to drink every day! But sometimes...you should...to have fun!"

I told him, "I have more fun sober than most people do drunk." And, having been to at least one play party with me, and seen me bottom and socialize and have a great time, he replied with uproarious laugher, "I KNOW YOU DO! I SAW YOU!" Hi-larious.

*sigh*

It's so Friday. My work day ends in an hour and a half and I can not wait to get out of here and go see Zen....
 
Oh my oh my, this weekend did not disappoint.

Zen and I are getting more sexually experimental, he is learning all kinds of new ways to please me and I am learning ways to get closer and closer to taking care of him... He is difficult in that regard. But we're working on it. I'm fairly easy to finish off, but he's better at making that happen than any other human being I've ever known in my life, and there are many who tried, so... I include myself in that statement, too. He can keep me at peak pleasure, riding the edge basically, for hours. I'm experiencing things with him that I never thought were even possible. I'm enjoying our relationship tremendously.

We went to First Fridays together after our play session on Friday and there was a girl there that I know...she is very pretty but she drinks too much.

Every time we are at First Fridays, she wants to make out with me. Like every time I see her. And she has said that the things I've said about polyamory and life subjects in general have really helped her come to terms with some things, and she really likes me. She lays on the compliments when she sees me. One thing, she says she wants to be cool with her husband playing outside of the marriage, because there are things she knows she can't offer him, but she's really jealous and insecure and afraid.

Well so. I turn around and see Zen standing there with his shirt unbuttoned and she is running her nails through his chest hair. I wanted to laugh, it was a blend of funny and wtf? to me in that moment. I went up and I was laughingly all, "Whaddya doin?" and he shrugged and she started in on how cute she thought he was and such. I smiled and agreed. She asks me then, with him standing there, "But how is he at the sex?" and I told her, "He is a highly skilled Sadist." She said, "Oh REALLY?? I might have to get me some of that... you don't MIND, do you??" Drunk as hell, all of this. I laughed and said, honestly more for Zen's benefit than hers, "No, of course not, but it isn't up to me. Zen is a free man, he makes his own choices."

Then she smooches face with me again for a minute and Zen and I finally extracted from the crowd and headed home.

Now...what do ya'll make of that? As she is monofolk trying desperately to wrap her head and heart around poly, and up to her cute lil eyeballs in the kink scene, I think that a.) she likes to get drunk and play around, b.) she likes to make out with girls to show off to her hubs, and c.) she isn't really interested in Zen, but wanted to test if I'd get jealous.

I view all of this as silly meaningless fun, but I wonder what is in her head...

Then Saturday was the play party, and that was super fun. Lots of good social time, got a nice bit of bottoming and then topping with Hefe for some violet wand play. Then my scene with Zen, where we once again got a bit experimental. I turned around on the cross and let him work over my front side with a strap. I was already pretty spaced, so it was all good-pain and it was...really...good.

Then yesterday and the Mental Health First Aid class. It was interesting. I did have the challenge where I had to remind myself to stop framing it in terms and relation to the most mentally ill person that I know. I've thoroughly thought out everything that has gone down with Old Wolf and nothing I learned about dealing with mentally ill people casts any further obligation upon me to continue or increase my dealing with him. But now, if I have a friend who is suicidal, or see someone having a panic attack or a psychotic episode, I'll have a better idea of what to do for them. More significantly, I got to meet a man who is a big name in the Denver scene and I'd heard many good things about him (he was teaching the class.) Zen has tons of respect for him, so I was keen to meet him.

Then back home, watch Game of Thrones with Zen (lots of Zen time this weekend!!) and to bed. Close the book on another great weekend in my life!
 
I had some drop last night. This is significant, because I don't normally experience drop, or rather...I used to, with the Worm King, but since him I haven't. "Subdrop" for those not familiar with BDSM terminology. It's when the endorphins and such wear off from intense play and there's a sort of crash. Can be physical, emotional, etc. Good aftercare is supposed to help mitigate it, but doesn't always and it depends a lot on the person.

It used to be that I'd go visit the Worm King and he was so intense, I could feel the soreness from his bites in my shoulders for about 3 days after a visit, and his hands were so strong. It wasn't really D/s play, he isn't in the community or in the know about kink, he just does what he does. He's passionate and sensual and sadistic and I always wished I could get him educated about his kinks, but he didn't want to. Yet at the same time, because he filled me with such a desire to submit, it was more D/s than anything I've experienced yet. I used to wish so much that he would be my Dom. But no. And so, given that I was so inexperienced and had no idea what I was dealing with, a few days after a visit, I'd drop hard and the confusion and instability and insecurity of the relationship did nothing to help this.

Since then, I haven't really felt extremely submissive to any of my lovers, though I have bottomed for many tops and I do so for Zen all the time. Zen and I do some pretty intense stuff. Well. This weekend, I was feeling more connected to Zen than I have before. More in love with him. More emotionally invested in him. And our play was really intense and wonderful, Friday and Saturday. I was riding an emotional high in a happy, happy place...all the way until yesterday evening. Boom. Drop.

What I would have given for some snuggles. I felt so empty and small and alone. But unfortunately, Zen was working, Analyst lives far away, and Fire and Hefe have busy schedules. I had no one to turn to. So I just went to bed and tried to sleep it off. It's a bit of a drawback to my solo poly lifestyle. Sometimes I'm solo when I really wish I weren't... I'm still feeling a little subdued today, but it's better than it was last night.
 
I get drop fairly often after times with Woody, even though most of our interactions aren't overtly D/s and there's pretty much no kink involved. When I first realized what it was and stopped to think, I realized I've had the same thing with nearly all of my partners (except Hubby, because he's always somewhere nearby). So with me, at least, the endorphin flow and subsequent crash don't have anything to do with kink or BDSM; it's purely about the sexual connection.
 
OMG YOU GUYS!!

There is a wee adorable animal hanging out in a tree outside of a window to my office, he's been there all morning. He's just chillin' in his tree.

I love animals, and the notion of there being a significant indigenous wild mammal that I was not even aware of, is nearly inconceivable to me! But this is my first time seeing one of these, and they totally live here!!

My squee levels are approaching critical containment breach over here... I WANNA GO GIT HIM AN SNUGGLE HIS FACE! EEp!

It's a RINGTAIL CAT. I can't get my own pic because my phone and the light aren't playing nice, but here's one from the internets...

ringtail2.jpg
 
The internets article says that they are "easily tameable."

Why o internets must you torment me so?? *pouty face*

Fact is, our wildlife here is at heavy risk to carry bubonic plague, and if you get bitten by a flea from such a critter, you'll get sick. So...that and my apartment rules and my general ethics about trying to keep wild creatures as pets prevent me from doing anything stupid.

BUT STILL.
 
Oh, he's adorable, Spork! I don't blame you, I'd totally want to keep him, too ;)
 
KC43 said:
I get drop fairly often after times with Woody, even though most of our interactions aren't overtly D/s and there's pretty much no kink involved. When I first realized what it was and stopped to think, I realized I've had the same thing with nearly all of my partners (except Hubby, because he's always somewhere nearby). So with me, at least, the endorphin flow and subsequent crash don't have anything to do with kink or BDSM; it's purely about the sexual connection.
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I actually seem to need a stronger emotional connection to a partner to experience drop. In the past, when I casually bottomed for people at the club, that I didn't drop, but the tops did. Within a few days they'd be reaching out to me and needing reassurance that everything was alright, they didn't do anything wrong, and I was still on good terms with them. This was in situations where there wasn't much in the way of aftercare, as there wasn't much of a connection between the top and I. I was fine...the top not so much. I kinda laughed about the domly Doms needing snuggles.

Well, ya'll know I was loopy for WK, I've talked about that. And oddly counter-intuitive to my usual experience where love either explodes immediately in my face, or fails to really blaze up at all...I'm just not the kind of person who will typically start out lukewarm and then eventually get wild about somebody later...my feelings for Zen have grown a great deal. I've been bottoming for him since August or September at parties and I've been intimate with him since November on more or less a weekly basis. In the last 2-3 weeks, I've been feeling more attached than before, for some reason.
 
The emotional connection thing makes sense. I don't do casual partners (I don't "play" either BDSM-style or sexually, because I'm not comfortable enough around people I don't know well), so anyone I have sex with at all is someone I have at least a friendship with, i.e. an emotional connection.

I have had sex with a few guys in the past who were sort of friendly-ish acquaintances, and I've had sex on first dates (or even first meetings). The acquaintance ones didn't do anything for me except make me feel shitty; the first date/meeting ones... well, those were Hubby, Guy, and S2. In other words, the man I married and the men who were my first and second boyfriend after the poly thing started.

I don't see anything at all inherently wrong with casual or with "play" in general. It just isn't something that works for me.
 
KC43 said:
The emotional connection thing makes sense. I don't do casual partners (I don't "play" either BDSM-style or sexually, because I'm not comfortable enough around people I don't know well), so anyone I have sex with at all is someone I have at least a friendship with, i.e. an emotional connection.

I have had sex with a few guys in the past who were sort of friendly-ish acquaintances, and I've had sex on first dates (or even first meetings). The acquaintance ones didn't do anything for me except make me feel shitty; the first date/meeting ones... well, those were Hubby, Guy, and S2. In other words, the man I married and the men who were my first and second boyfriend after the poly thing started.

I don't see anything at all inherently wrong with casual or with "play" in general. It just isn't something that works for me.
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For what it's worth (and you may totally get this but I want to make sure anyone else reading it does, too)...when I talk about bottoming at the club for tops, there is no sexual interaction there. None.

I'm not aroused. If they are, I don't know about it.

They're usually experts in whatever thing they do, and I want to experience it, so I disrobe and enjoy the thing and then that's it. The thing might be getting hot wax poured on my back, or flogging. Usually stuff is on my back (fire, wax, electrical) or my bottom (impact, flogging.)

The best way to look at it is, imagine a club where people routinely get nude and nothing sexual is going on, to the point where everyone's used to it and nobody cares. And you're among friends, in general. Like a hot springs, where there are massage therapists doing massage. So you might "bottom" for a massage, but it's not a sex thing.

It's like that.

In fact, we've had massage therapists set up and do massage on party nights. There are a crap-ton of masseuses in the scene.

Many s-types (sub/slave/bottom) need a bond of trust to engage in this sort of thing with anyone. The only context and reason I don't, is because I know that my club is a safe environment, and if someone I don't know well does something I'm not ok with, I can call red and he will stop, or he will BE stopped. There are dungeon monitors walking around making sure we're safe.
 
Spork said:
Zen and I do some pretty intense stuff. Well. This weekend, I was feeling more connected to Zen than I have before. More in love with him. More emotionally invested in him. And our play was really intense and wonderful, Friday and Saturday. I was riding an emotional high in a happy, happy place...all the way until yesterday evening. Boom. Drop.
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I totally understand that. Your totally in love... and then totally exhausted. Sadly I don't know any other method to ease this off a little then deliberatelly comming down from the skies to earth earlier. Like, don't ride the high, get enough sleep instead.

Zen sounds like a great person though, from the few descriptions I've read. Is he feeling in love too?
 
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