The Best Life Yet

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

So, yeah! I feel good about that. The flowchart is a joke, of course—we're not actually robots, and real life isn't always as cut and dried as yes or no—but making it and talking out the principles behind it, and coming to the revelation that we could get the chronology in place (friends first!) to weed out jerks...it has brought me to the place of being able to make that "trust fall" that Rider won't bring people in who might want to ultimately hurt me.

It's funny, because all it really did was relocate the trust to a different place. I still have to trust him completely, but now I'm trusting that he can follow a logical process rather than having to trust his judgment of someone's motives or character. And I know that he is far better at the former than the latter (at least when it comes to attractive women)!

And reflecting on my earlier exchange with playfulgirl, this is also a far more optimistic viewpoint. This viewpoint presumes that there are awesome people who want to be our friends, and whom one or both of us might like enough to take to a new level after that.

It also totally removes any whiff of the third party being treated as less than human, or getting hurt by having disappointed expectations that end up not being met. If the only premise being offered upfront is "You seem cool and I think I might want to get to know you better, so let's be friends," and we intend to continue being their friends whether or not something more ever happens, then if nothing more ever happens, we haven't taken anything away that was originally on offer—no one loses.

Even with friendship being all that is originally on offer, it does not preclude the possibility of more happening down the line. After all, Rider and I started as platonic friends. And so did Sam and I. And Rider and Kitty. And Jake and I. And lots of friends we have that are happy couples started as friends with each other first. Friendships developing into more is a pretty common thing.

Making friends with lots of people, including lots of attractive people, and being open to more happening eventually (without rushing it), seems like a pretty cool way to do poly. And it removes the frustration of "dating" in a cold-calling kind of sense. And it ensures that people get some idea of what poly is about by hearing us talk about it and seeing us live it, before they ever dip a toe in with one of us.

I honestly think that out of our ten pre-existing "guidelines," a "friends first" general umbrella policy brings the number down to like four or five, depending whether #5 is even considered a "guideline" rather than just a logistical strategy:

1. Safer sex
2. Total honesty
3. Friends first
4. Reserving certain (pre-identified) "firsts"
5. Check joint schedule before committing to plans

So, I guess I just solved life today? I am actually kind of eager to find out! I actually feel excited at the idea of befriending these mystery people that Rider might eventually bring around—the tiny seeds of compersion before a human is even identified.

 

[Reverie]

Oh, you guys! In all of my being super excited about ending the hiatus and feeling hypothetical compersion instead of anxiety, I nearly forgot to tell you that a few days ago we decided on a wedding date! It will be April 8!

And I finally got some interns to handle some of my work stress! And this is my extra paycheck month so things are looking up financially! And last night Perry and Mel and Mel's girl came over and we all had a total blast—I haven't laughed so much in ages! And things are going really well with our band and we're talking about setting a show up in the next couple of months!

So, poly-stress gone? Check! Wedding date? Check! Seeing Sam soon and going on a little poly vacation all three of us—and Oona will be there too? Check! Work stress lessened? Check! Financial stress lessened? Check! Surrounded by my tribe? Check! Creatively fulfilled? Check!

I've even been doing a better job fighting off illness than usual this past few weeks. Somehow my life did a complete 180 compared to where I was five weeks ago.

I'm super excited about everything!

And I know that the friends-first poly thing isn't for everyone—there are a lot of people who prefer a "keep 'em separate" approach, or really like "dating," or prefer solo poly, or any number of things. I

But for us—who both prefer kitchen-table poly, and have not really liked the online dating thing much, and are really mostly satisfied with what we have (so we're not stressed about a shallow dating pool) but like to keep things open to possibility in case the right people come along—I have a feeling it might be kinda perfect!

 

[Reverie]

Yesterday turned out to be exhausting. I forgot something at work that needed to be done in physical form at the office, so I had to turn around and go back right after I got home. Since I'd ridden a bike and was out of energy, that meant using my car. It was an hour roundtrip and ate up all the time between work and band practice.

Then while we were loading our gear into the idling car, the radiator hose burst, spraying coolant everywhere. I had to sprint to the store, buy some duct tape, pour some water in to get to the gas station, and buy some coolant. By the time we got to practice we were half an hour late.

Practice was good, though. We're making a lot of progress. Our pianist, Carrie, borrowed a sweet keyboard and sounded fantastic. Run through an amp, you can really hear her shine. She's amazing! She's going to buy her own keyboard next month, I think.

After practice, Rider and I stayed up a little later than we ought to have so that we could have a glass of wine and some sexytimes. It was well worth it. I had a lot of fun doing a CFNM thing and driving him crazy with a very deliberate tease-and-blowjob thing.

We also talked about all the kinky stuff we'd like to do tonight if time and energy permit at the end of the night. We're suppose to be meeting Rebecca and Carrie and their dudes for nachos and margaritas at happy hour, and Oona and Toby and some other people might join. I told Rider I want the rest of the night to be lazy, though. We have an early lunch scheduled tomorrow with another friend and her young son, and I am just about tuckered out from all the socializing. I wanna go home, veg out, have sex, and go to sleep early!

 

[playfulgirl]

I love your flow chart. I really enjoy seeing your process and your thoughtful way of reasoning out a tool that helps you and rider do poly in a way that works for you. I'm glad that my input was helpful as well.
Playful

 

[Reverie]

So. I'm just going to go ahead and out my city because it seems important and because it's such a big city that it probably doesn't even matter. I live in Los Angeles. Rider, Oona, and I were going to go to L.A. Pride today but Oona caught some kind of stomach bug yesterday and is still too sick to go out. The parade starts less than three miles from my apartment.

Former State is Florida. It's where I met Rider, and it's where most of my poly network lives, past and present partners alike. No one I know was personally affected by the tragedy, but FUCK.

It's always unsteadying when a tragedy happens (as it did in Orlando) or is narrowly averted (as it was in my own neighborhood). When it happens back to back in two places I have deep connections to, it's hard to shake a feeling of gloom and doom, or really to do anything but sit around with tears in my eyes.

Fuck hatred. Fuck homophobia. Fuck Donald Trump, whose tweet made it all about him and how "he was right."

I wish I just had all of my Florida people in a cuddle pile and we could just cry together. At least I have Rider hugs.

 

[Reverie]

OK, now that I have calmed down a bit, I can post a regular update. My heart kind of isn't in it but writing is as good a distraction as anything, I guess.

Friday we went out for nachos with Carrie and Joel, and Rebecca and her fiancé. It was a lot of fun. After nachos, Oona came to hang out with us all. She was fighting with Toby again, though they have since made up.

It kind of turned into a house party, and Oona ended up staying the night. Rider gallantly gave her his place in our bed and slept on the futon. Nothing sexual happened, though Oona and I did hold hands while walking to the store at one point. Oona and Toby fight kind of a lot, and technically she has secured "girl permissions" but with things always so tumultuous between Toby and her, anything always seems like a bad idea at the time.

It's so weird because Oona and I have been on-and-off friends with benefits since 2003, and it's always her male partners that are weird about it. I always make it clear to mine that it is a need of mine to express my bisexuality, and if they don't like it then they are not the right partner for me. She, however, always starts off with the notion that she would give up playing with girls for the right guy, but then she starts to get antsy about it after some time passes.

And I am just patient. I'm not about rocking boats. I can never imagine a time when I won't be attracted to her, even after knowing her for almost 17 years. But I guess I have pretty much accepted the fact that her permission to act on anything comes and goes over the years.

Elsewhere on the poly front, I dreamed about Sam and Rider last night. It was a good dream, very full of cuddles and good drugs. I'm excited about Sam's upcoming visit—only 10 days away. Rider and I both took Sam's birthday off. Not sure what we want to do that day, but I told Rider maybe stay in bed late so I can give Sam a proper birthday wakeup.

Speaking of good drugs, Rider and I are also working on a plan to gather up a posse to go to a music festival in October. They allow RV camping, so the idea is that if we can find a group of 7 friends (including us), and rent an RV, we can split the cost of the RV and the RV entry fee, and we can all have three nights of music and partying and a place to crash for only $325 apiece. While that's not exactly a CHEAP expenditure, it's a steal for three days and three nights of lodging and fun with friends. So far the original plan is Oona + Toby, Mel + Tina, Perry, and Rider + me. The RV sleeps three 2-people beds and a singlet.

However, the big "but" is that of the 3 couples, ours is really the only stable one. So we've also tossed the idea out to a couple of our friends back in Florida, just in case.

I normally wouldn't be willing to shell out so much dough when I'm so broke, but one of my FAVORITE EVER bands is playing, and they really only play festivals anymore. This is the only festival that I've seen them scheduled for that wouldn't require plane fare. The last one would have been about a grand to attend. So since it's a couple weeks after my birthday, I'm thinking I'll just put it on a card and say "Happy birthday to me!"

In crush-land, I don't remember if I've mentioned it here before or not, but Rider and I both have a crush on a woman who works at our local health food store. We social-media-stalked her a bit, and she's age-appropriate AND bi...but she's also a mother and has two jobs, both of which do not bode well for her having free time to hang out. Still, we chat with her when we can, separate or apart, hoping eventually for that moment to invite a bit more friendship.

In a similar vein...so...I've been messaging with that 27-year-old that I met outside of the bar last week. Believe it or not, he's the first person in all of these poly two years who has repeatedly messaged me first. I'm still pretty sure nothing will end up coming of it. First of all, he's so young. Second of all, he was pretty sketch about poly. Third of all, I think he's a smoker (judging by his Facebook pics), which is not a total dealbreaker for me but it's definitely not preferred. And fourth of all, he has two jobs that are like an hour apart distance-wise, and we work opposite schedules. BUT...I am willing to do the friendship thing and see what happens, if it's anything at all. If nothing else, he's cute enough that I am enjoying the attention in an ego-boosting capacity. 99% probability it will turn into nothing.

There's also another guy on the friend front. This is someone I'd started talking to on OKC way back before we moved here, and he wasn't one of my top romantic prospects, but he seemed smart and creative and like someone who might be a fun friend to have, so I'd added him on Facebook. As it turned out, he lives mere blocks from us, and he wants to go out for beer with us sometime. Rider is skeptical of meeting internet people, so I may meet him for the first time alone and then bring him around Rider if he's not a dud in person. I was super clear with him about the "only interested as a friend" thing. I'm looking forward to it.

Aaaand speaking of OKC people, something weird happened with Karina not that long ago. You might remember that we'd run into her downtown and then she'd written me a message; I'd explained my busy-ness and told her that I *did* like her but asked if I could play the long game with the hangout thing. Well, a couple of weeks ago, she'd written me kind of a strange message.

"I wanted to perhaps inspire you to consider whether you feel you are living into your intention, or whether you are letting circumstances lead you."

It felt a little pushy after our last exchange, and I was kind of put off. TBH, I was gearing up to contact her to hang out as friends in the next few days, since I was finally feeling less under pressure and was going to have some free time. I really thought I wanted to get to know her better. But that message changed my mind a little. I felt like...we met ONCE. It seemed pretty audacious to insinuate that I am out of control of my life—and even if I WERE, that's not the kind of thing about which it's polite to confront someone you don't really know.

That message seemed to suggest that I don't know what I really want or what's right for me. YES, I intended to meet more people when I got here, but when I found that I'd bitten off more than I could chew given my schedule, I was totally honest with everyone, including her, about wanting to be friends but being too busy at the moment. It's not like I led anyone on. So I felt super weird about that message. I responded in a neutral/friendly way anyway, wanting not to burn the bridge. And then she unfriended me. So be it. I don't need friends who are going to question how I apportion my time when they don't even really know me yet. ::shrug::

As things stand, I'm perfectly happy having Rider, my long-distance connections who come to visit from time to time, my friends who make up my "tribe," and my loose crushes and flirtations that may never come to anything more than fantasy. I'm still open to "more," but I'm not looking, per se.

 

[Reverie]

I just found out that my half-brother—who is less than a year younger than me due to our having different mothers—is dating a girl who is right out of high school.

While I am certain that she is a legal adult (or else they would not have made their relationship public on Facebook), I find it troubling because I know that he mentored her at a Maker Space for at least a year; I met her while in town on a business trip. The ethical implications to me of someone turning 34 later this week dating someone who was almost certainly a minor under his tutelage not long ago...do not seem good. To me, it smacks of hovering about until someone is "legal" and then pouncing at the first opportunity.

I suppose that in the end it is none of my business, and he and I—while we get along really well when we hang out—are not in constant contact or really close. Still creepy though. In my mind, pretty much anyone through undergrad is still basically a kid. They do say the mind doesn't finish maturing till people are like 25.

 

[Reverie]

I stole this from over here because I didn't want to hijack GFT's thread:

What you *can* change, if you choose, is how you think about things and how you react to them. If you don't like something Dag does, rather than trying to change *his* behavior, you can choose to change your reaction; if your first inclination is to just keep your mouth shut, you could instead choose to say "I don't like it when you do that." Or you could choose to think "I deserve better than that" instead of "I don't deserve good things from my partners.

You could choose to break up with Dag because you aren't compatible. You could choose to recognize that other people don't necessarily friendship or relationship the way you do and that's okay; or you could choose to recognize that and only bring people into your life who *do* things the way you do. Etc.

Understanding that you have choices and control of your own life and behavior is the first step to being able to develop a life you enjoy and are happy with. But if you focus only on others' behavior, you might begin to feel that you have no choice and no control...because when it comes to *their* behavior, that's true. You can't choose or control what they do. Only what you do.

So much here resonates with me. Every time I've gotten much happier and felt a sense of resolution to a big problem I've been having in a relationship, it's because I've gotten a little better in one of these ways:

a) learned how to figure out what makes me happy and unhappy, and what makes me comfortable and uncomfortable and to speak up about it—even if it takes me a while at each step of this process, and even if I think it might not be what the other person wants to hear

b) accepted the fact that the people I'm with may or may not be comfortable with the same things I am, and it's not the end of the world if we have to walk away from each other if we can't find a compromise that can eventually be genuinely comfortable for each of us; initial discomfort is often a step to growth, but I think that perpetual discomfort—never being able to rest, or forcing your peg into a wrong-shaped hole—is not healthy

c) realized that being up-front about how I want my life to look when encountering new people is the only way I am going to attract people into it who fit well enough to make our mutual happiness possible with minimal struggle; not everyone will like me for this, and that is OK

and

d) decided I must trust that other people are doing a-b-c for themselves until they show me evidence that they are not willing or able to

It is through this process that I think I've finally hit on the strategy that has squished my anxiety down to nothing. Last night I posted a picture of Rider while we were out to dinner, and Rita commented on it complimenting his arms with a smiley with little hearts for eyes.

Normally I would have felt a dagger to the gut that this person I've never met who has been flirting with Rider is coming on to MY post and flirting with him there. And it would have seemed even worse because it happened in the middle of our date time.But now knowing that we're all going to hang out and try to be friends a while before something really happens between them...it barely even registered. I didn't even roll my eyes.

It no longer feels like things that happen not in front of my eyes are "sneaky" and things that are trotted directly in front of me are "audacious." And it's all because I figured out what my fear was, expressed it, and when I thought of a solution that I thought might work, Rider agreed wholeheartedly without any prompting, even.

If I realize (step A) that my comfort level is "I feel safest in a poly relationship if I know that everyone my immediate polycule can be friends first because I believe that a friend—someone who has gotten to know me—would not knowingly do things to hurt me" and my partner says (step B) "I think that is a reasonable comfort level to have, and anyway that I really only want to date people who are also comfortable being friends with everyone in my immediate polycule" then we just have to (step C) be honest with every new person going in that we're looking for friends to start but open to it evolving into more.

And (step D) those new people will (step A) decide for themselves if friendship with the possibility of more is something they're interested and (step C) let us know how they really feel about it, even given the knowledge that (step B) that may mean that an attraction doesn't get acted upon due to poor fit.

It is helpful to feel that I have a sense of control over who enters my life—not because I am controlling what my partner does, but rather because I have been super up-front with my chosen partner about how I feel, and he has inspected his own feelings and decided that he sees things very closely to the way that I do. My control comes from control over how I act (being up-front) and the choices that I make (choosing compatible partners).

And if such day comes when I am no longer compatible with a particular partner because we want things that are too different (say, if Rider meets someone who is so compelling that he makes the choice to date her even though she prefers DADT or a very separatist sort of polything, or she meets me and hates my guts at first sight), at that moment, it is only my own actions (telling him how I feel about it) and my own choices (do I want to stay in a situation that no longer feels compatible to me or do I not?) that I can control.

It's all very freeing, really. There is nothing to get angry at anyone about in terms of choices in their own life, because it's only their treatment of me and what I choose to do about it that matters in my life. If they make relationship choices I don't like, but don't treat me shittily in the process? Maybe we are better off as friends at that point.

But it's some kind of lesson about love and respect.

Loving and respecting the other person enough to recognize that it is their choice to make and leaving them free to do it.

Loving and respecting myself enough to be able to say "you are welcome to make these choices with your life, but certain choices mean that we will relate differently because I am not comfortable being in current-style relationship with a person who makes those choices."

And loving and respecting myself enough to be able to BELIEVE that the other person loves me enough to choose me—to choose what is best for both of us—unless those two things are incompatible, in which case the other person respects me enough to tell me what they need and try to understand why we might need to walk away from each other.

I have decided that I need all of these aspects to have an ongoing relationship with someone. And I also realize that means that people who fit into that framework are going to be pretty thin on the ground. I'm OK with that, though! I would rather have 1 or 2 high-quality relationships (where quality is defined by the above parameters) than multitudes of lower-quality relationships that leave me wondering and insecure and neurotic because I'm ignoring my own needs in order to keep them afloat.

And this is in large part why I have sworn off "dating" and am instead in "meeting friends" mode. My sex drive is satisfied enough by my current partner that I'm not in sexual starvation mode. My desire for variety is alive and well, but it seems pretty content to have the occasional visiting established partner and/or non-serious flirtation.

I think when I was trying to date, I was too quick to discard perfectly good friend-humans based on lack of attraction, and to overlook serious flaws in other humans I had an attraction to. That shit will not fly in this new chapter of my life.

I am going to collect a great many friends, with the knowledge that some of them will be temporary friendships and some permanent. With the knowledge that my super-busy schedule and general unavailability to hangout is going to make some of them dead in the water, but that there will be some people in the same boat, so to speak, who have only a little time but a great desire for friendship. With the knowledge that some might turn into more, and most probably will not.

Poly is super hard sometimes, but man do I feel like I learn a lot. Even if I never find any more partners and am functionally monogamous, I have learned a lot even just on the thought exercises.

 

[Inyourendo]

I just found out that my half-brother—who is less than a year younger than me due to our having different mothers—is dating a girl who is right out of high school.

While I am certain that she is a legal adult (or else they would not have made their relationship public on Facebook), I find it troubling because I know that he mentored her at a Maker Space for at least a year; I met her while in town on a business trip. The ethical implications to me of someone turning 34 later this week dating someone who was almost certainly a minor under his tutelage not long ago...do not seem good. To me, it smacks of hovering about until someone is "legal" and then pouncing at the first opportunity.

I suppose that in the end it is none of my business, and he and I—while we get along really well when we hang out—are not in constant contact or really close. Still creepy though. In my mind, pretty much anyone through undergrad is still basically a kid. They do say the mind doesn't finish maturing till people are like 25.

Yeah that's pretty weird bin.my book. The chic that Sam screwed at the haunted house literally turned.17 the week before and he was turning 32. And the one last year was 19. I have a son who is 17 and I would have a serious problem.with him.being.involved with someone my age.

 

[Reverie]

Yeah that's pretty weird bin.my book. The chic that Sam screwed at the haunted house literally turned.17 the week before and he was turning 32. And the one last year was 19. I have a son who is 17 and I would have a serious problem.with him.being.involved with someone my age.

Yikes! I know it may be legal in the town where you live—the legal age to have sex with adults where I grew up was 16—but that's still SUPER creepy in my book. I'm pretty sure that law was intended for, like, 18- and 19-year-olds who date 16-year-olds, not men in their 30s.

I may be a hypocrite, because I did sleep with a 24-year-old man when I was 16, but only twice and then I came to my senses. And 24 is even still a great deal different than 32!

I would never date someone who, as an adult man in his 30s, showed persistent sexual interest in teenagers, especially teenagers who are still legal minors. It speaks to me of poor morals and opportunism.

Yes, it was the norm for thousands of years for men to sleep with girls as soon as they get their periods, and for people to marry during puberty, but we've learned so much about human development since then that I believe civilized people should know better!

 

[Inyourendo]

I also was having sex with older men when I was a teenager (8 years older) but now it definitely doesn't seem appropriate. I halfway wandered if I was a prude or something because so many people think as long as it's legal and consensual that it's okay where I feel it's a bit predatory and gross

 

[playfulgirl]

It reminds me of Matthew McConaughey character in dazed an confused..."I keep getting older, they stay the same age." There's definitely some creep factor. It doesn't bother me as much with guys in their 20s who aren't that mature yet, but after about 25 with a teen and I start thinking ewww.

 

[Reverie]

It reminds me of Matthew McConaughey character in dazed an confused..."I keep getting older, they stay the same age."

Hahaha, YES!

 

[Reverie]

Today has been a mixed bag. My car situation is not so good. The clutch is pretty much done for, but I have fixed SO MUCH STUFF on this car in the past year, and I know it's not going to pass the emissions test in another year and a half (the last mechanic told me so after BARELY passing it WITH repairs last time), that I feel like I shouldn't spend anymore money on it. It seems like every time I get something major fixed, something else decides to break.

Rider and I are tossing around options. We could get the clutch fixed and chance something else breaking right away. Or we could go in together for a new car now/soon. Or we could drive this car till it straight up dies and THEN get a new car (recognizing that this will by definition mean we get stranded and have to rely on AAA at some point). Rider was grieving Orlando too hard today to want to talk about it, so we're putting it off till the weekend.

Then we went to go get tested today, and the place was too full and not taking anymore people! Even though it was going to be open for another 2.5 hours! So I guess I have to go back early Saturday morning and get in line before they open, because obviously going after work is no-go when they are full to the brim only half an hour after opening, which is also the earliest I can get there.

I am overdue for testing, which hasn't been a big deal because I haven't had penetrative sex with anyone other than Rider since the move (though I've done surface stuff with Aurora and Allie), but Sam is coming next week and he's getting tested too, with the idea that once everyone is tested we can ditch the condoms for his visit.

It's clear that testing is going to be a waaaay bigger pain in the ass here than it was before we moved. Still, I am super responsible about this stuff, so I will suck it up.

But the good part of today is that I made enchiladas (for the second time this week—waistline beware!) and then Rider and I practiced our original songs. We've been kind of letting them slide since starting the new band with Perry, and I don't want to get too rusty. It was a great pleasure working on them, especially our two newest ones.

Band practice last night was good as well. I think we're going to have to skip next week's though; there is no night that works for everyone. The one night everyone else can do, Rider and I can't because it's the night that Sam lands. (Squee!)

At band practice, Perry and Rider suggested that we should do a little mini-show for Rider's birthday next month. Perry rents a house with a garage, and the idea is to have a party at his place and play a short set for the guests in the garage kinda early (so as not to upset the neighbors) and then quiet down and resume regular party mode. I am totally down for that, but I will have to memorize my parts. Right now I am still reading them off of a notepad.

 

[Reverie]

Yesterday was fun! Rider and I were supposed to meet up with my old friend (and former boyfriend from waaay back) but he flaked, and then Oona said she might come out, but she also flaked, so we just had a happy-hour date one on one. We got a little tipsy then came home and I suggested that he pick some porn to watch while I went down on him. It was hella hot.

Afterward, he checked his phone and had a text from Rebecca saying that her fiancé was performing with one of his bands down the street from our place and asking if we would come out and keep her company. We did, and man, those guys are GOOD! Her fiancé wails on the sax, and the trumpet player was out of this world. As an additional perk, the drummer was really hot—eye candy! I shot some video for Kelly because she loves a hot drummer.

During the show, I was texting a bit with the young guy from outside the bar a few weeks ago: Max. He wanted to know where I was hanging out. He was downtown, and I was in my neighborhood. He said he wanted to hang out with me and get to know me more, that he was very attracted to me. I reminded him that we said we'd start as friends, and he was still on board with that. We have made a tentative plan to hang out tomorrow but have not firmed up a time or place yet, so who knows. He strikes me as probably the flaky type.

I spoke with Rider about it today. Actually, I'd mentioned it last night but it was too loud where we were to go into specifics. He said that whatever is cool now that the hiatus was over, and we discussed a bit of what goes into the whole "starting as friends" thing. I said that there was an established mutual attraction, but that I definitely want to determine the following before anything happens:

1) We have enough in common to be actual friends.

2) He is or can be cool enough with poly in general that shit isn't going to get weird.

3) He can hang around with me and Rider as friends and not be too weird.

This will take time. But it would be great if I could establish a friend that I can hang out with occasionally who I might also "benefit" with occasionally. Especially one as hot as him. Goodness me, is he hot. Like, model-hot with the exception of one perfectly placed snaggletooth that makes him all the more sexy for that little "imperfection." I love me a well-placed "imperfection"; it's that whole wabi sabi thing.

Elsewhere in poly-land, I spoke with Elise today. As it turns out, the event that she tours with is coming to an adjacent state in eight months! I looked up the dates and it is just after my usual work conference season, so I'll be able to make time to see her. Rider and I discussed it, and we're going to go visit her where she is stationed one of the weekends, and then she said she'd come to us for a few days for part of the time too. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!

I think that Rider and I are going to try to rent a fancy hotel room with a hot tub or spa bath or something so that Elise can have a brief retreat into luxury from the roughness of tour life. Aaah! I still like her so much! Girl-crush city!

And lastly but not leastly, I got my testing done today. Negative for HIV and I get the rest of the results in 3–7 days, so I should be all good and clear for Sam's birthday. I texted him with that info, and he was all, "I guess I should go do that today if I can."

So I guess he's been dragging his feet on that a bit. Which is whatever, I guess. He's the one who can't reach orgasm with a condom on, not me, so if he misses out on the fluid-bonding due to laziness, it's a bit disappointing to me, but it's mostly his loss. He doesn't have a job right now, so it's not like a hectic weekday schedule has been holding him back. Either way, I was due for testing, and now it is done.

In more mundane news, I got a shit-ton of Amazon boxes today. It was all stuff I needed and have been putting off till this paycheck: pet supplies I was about to run out of (little fuckers are expensive!), music supplies I've needed for a while (new strings and strap for the bass!), bike supplies I'd been putting off (a lock so I can actually go places other than home and work!), and waxing supplies, since I've decided that maybe the solution to the bane of my existence (body hair) is actually to try hard-waxing at home—time will tell!

Life is expensive. But fun! One more thing that I'm supposed to buy soon but have been putting off is tickets to a local masquerade ball this summer. Rider's ex-longtime-girlfriend (the one he was with for the first 7 years of his adult life) and her husband are going, and she's a high-profile fetish-wear designer who has offered to lend us samples of her work to attend in. Pilates, don't fail me now, LOL. I've actually never met her, but Rider is certain that we will be fast friends. And I like her online persona so far!

I'm super excited about all the things coming around the bend: Sam's visit, our mini-polycule trip to an adjacent state, our mini-show for Rider's birthday, the masquerade ball, possibly the music festival (if I can afford it), a visit back East to see friends and fam in the fall, seeing Elise in the winter, and, next spring, OUR WEDDING !!! And, of course, our fantastic European honeymoon, which will be my first time on any continent other than North/Central America. Soooo much stuff happening in the next ten months.

I am a happy camper with an amazing life that I have designed myself! Who would have thunk that when you dare to dream, to speak up, to work hard, to love deeply and widely, to create, to persevere, and to be courageous, your life just gets better and better.

 

[Reverie]

Perry had some people over last night, and that included us. Oona and Toby picked us up so we didn't have to take a cab. We all sat around the fire drinking beers and chatting. It was a lot of fun. I even made a new friend—one of Perry's buddies.

I tried to nail down details for hanging out with Max today and was mildly irritated that he looked at my messages but didn't respond. I really think he's going to turn out to be pretty unreliable and flaky, but we'll see. He did hit me back this morning explaining that he has to work until five, but no further information.

I'm playing it by ear. If hanging out happens, then it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. I'm not going to be disappointed or anything—in fact, I'll be halfway relieved at getting to be lazy.

I have some stuff to do for work, so I'll get that out of the way earlyish and then if I don't end up going out, I'll just chill with Rider.

 

[Reverie]

I have been so busy lately that I haven't had much time for updates, but here's a quick rundown:

So, Sunday turned out to be half clusterfuck, half pleasant. Max and I made plans, and I got all the way down to the train station when he messages me about how he just checked his bank account and realized he shouldn't be going out. Fair enough, but I was already dressed up and had come all that way, so I said fuck it and offered to buy him a couple beers.

He said OK but that it was going to take him a little while to get ready since he'd just gotten home from work and it was really hot outside...well, OK. He gave me a time, and I said that was fine.

So then I got all the way to the bar, and I'm waiting there for him to show up. Long story short, he never shows. He was super apologetic and talking about how he would make it up to me but...whatever.

All was not lost, however, because I ended up making two new friends. There was a girl sitting at the bar who was super friendly, if young (25), and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. And the bartender was really nice too—in fact, he zeroed out my tab and besought me to join him for a beer since his shift was ending. So now I have two new friends, and I actually had a LOT of fun!

I came home to Rider, who was still in the middle of watching his wrestling show that he'd recorded even though it was about to be bedtime. I put my head on his lap and cuddled him and slept till he was done.

Monday was the hottest day ever. Rider and I pretty much just came home from work and lazed around in our underwear watching Game of Thrones.

And then yesterday Rider had had a bad day at work, and I was frustrated with my new intern, so I bought him a happy hour beer after work. Then we came home, ate leftovers, and I tried out my new waxing kit.

Ugh.

What a pain! And I don't mean pain-pain—I have a decently high pain threshold and wax has never bothered me. I mean a pain in the ass!

Yes, it got the hair off. Yes, it was relatively easy. But it was super-mega time consuming. Like, so time consuming that I was maybe doing it wrong? I was in there for a couple of hours at least.

And I was getting close to running out of the wax when I stopped, and I'd only done the bottom parts and, like, part of the tops. My legs aren't SUPER long. I do have long legs for my height, but I'm only like 5'3"–5'4". So it seems like I took too long AND used too much stuff.

And it was messy. I think I'm going to get a dropcloth if I do it again. The little drizzles of wax that came off between the warmer and my leg stuck to the floor, and it was very annoying cleaning them off. I had to use a hair-dryer and paper towels, and I'm not even sure I got them all off. And that doesn't even get into all the little invisible specks of wax that were still stuck to me when I went to bed, so that when I woke up in the morning I was covered in little gummy bits that had collected fuzz from my black sheets.

So I ended up getting to bed too late, and having to shave my thighs anyway. And I'm still slightly covered in gummy bits. And so is my floor.

We'll see if I decide this is all worth it or not when my usually sandpapery shins and calves stay smooth for more than half a day. I swear the moment I am paid down enough in my debt that I can afford it, I am going to get EVERYTHING lasered off. My body hair is the absolute bane of my existence, and freedom from that bane is absolutely a happiness that money can buy.

Speaking of money (and why I'm really no closer to being less in debt), I think it is about time to suck it up and get a newer car. Rider and I have decided to go in together to get something that is actually from this decade instead of the '90s. Rider is going to put the car in his name because his lower debt will lead to a lower interest rate, and I am going to get a no-interest loan from my boss for half of the down payment, using money I've saved for the other half.

Then each month we each will pay a carefully calculated amount, with me paying both my boss back and a fraction of the bank loan, and Rider paying the balance of the bank loan (the larger fraction to make up for my having put a chunk of cash down while he did not). Halfway through our bank loan, I'll be finished paying my boss back, and Rider will have balanced the cash down, so we'll move to an evenly split payment. All the math checks out.

I've actually never gone in 50/50 with someone on a large purchase like that before. I did once put a car in my name for a deadbeat boyfriend when I was too young to know better, but he made the payments by himself (up until he didn't) and finally totaled the car, which unchained me, so it doesn't really count. I've never owned a house, and my last car predated my even being 21, much less any real adult relationships, so this whole thing is kind of a first for me.

We did have the discussion of what to do if we break up, and he said we'd sell the car and split the proceeds evenly, which sounds fair. I am quite certain that we are not going to break up anytime in the foreseeable future—definitely not before the car is paid off, at the very least—so I don't think we will run into any problems there.

So we're actively shopping at this point, but haven't found anything that we like yet in our price point (which is still rather low).

In other news, today is the day that Sam is supposed to arrive. However, he messaged me earlier saying that he got bumped from his flight for overbooking, which will cause him to miss his connection, so he's not really sure what time he's getting in anymore. That's a pretty serious bummer. He was supposed to get in around 8:00 p.m., so a delay makes me nervous that I am going to be late to bed for a second night in a row.

But I'm still excited to see him. If I have to be sleepy, I guess it isn't the end of the world...

 

[Reverie]

Yay, Sam managed to get on a flight that will get him in at his original time...now for all the prep for his arrival. I gotta get a new set of sheets from Target, and clean a bunch of stuff.

 

[Reverie]

Sam ended up getting in pretty late after all on Wednesday. He's not the best with numbers, and he'd either told me 8:00 when he meant 9:00, or he'd read it wrong. His flight landed around 9:00 and missed the 9:15 shuttle from the airport, so he had to catch the 10:15. He didn't make it to our neighborhood till nearly 11:00.

I stayed up a little past my bedtime so that I could fix some food and properly welcome him. Then Rider and I went to bed and straight to sleep.

Yesterday, I wasn't too much worse off for losing a bit of sleep. I came home from work as quickly as I could, grabbed Sam, and went to meet Rider for happy hour nachos. Then we went grocery shopping and back to the house, where the boys played music until well after I went to bed.

I had some much-needed introvert time where I learned about plants on the internet (did you know that latex comes from a type of fig tree?!) and read a novel that Rider had bought me last month. It was really nice having them make pretty sounds in the background while occupying each other so I could have some non-face time.

Today, I'm going to come home from work, grab Sam, and bring him on the train to meet Rider downtown. We're going to the bar where I made friends last weekend, and my new chick friend said she'll be there. After we have a few drinks, we're going to grab some samosas at a nearby Indian restaurant.

Tomorrow we don't have any particular plans except hang out. Rider and I took Monday off for Sam's birthday, and we reserved a car rental for Sunday and Monday. It's going to be really hot on Sunday, so we are going to head up the coast a ways where it is supposed to be cooler and do some hiking. Monday, we have plans to visit the beach, since most people will be in work and it is bound to be slightly less crowded than it would be at the weekend. And then I will bake Sam a (gluten-free, no refined sugar) cake at night.

I am in super high spirits right now! I get to see my new friend tonight! I get to have a three-day weekend with Rider and Sam! I get to go be in nature! I get to see the ocean!

And I am sure there will be tons of good food and drink involved as well. I have to somehow manage to not spend too much money or get much fatter.

I got my testing results back yesterday. All was good. Sam never made it in to be tested yet, so we'll be using condoms till he can. He said he'll look into going during the day today. He should then have results back by the Fourth weekend, so maybe we'll at least get one time in while we're in adjacent state. I'm excited about getting to be naked with him at some time(s) over the next week or two. He's SO fuzzy. Mmm, fuzzy.

 

[Reverie]

Yesterday was a ton of fun, if a tad bit expensive. I came home from work, swung by the house to pick Sam up, and then Sam and I took the train to meet Rider.

We drank margaritas at the downtown bar we love (and met up with my new chick friend), then had a kinda fancy Indian dinner, then went to a bottle store where I found one of my favorite beers that I've not been able to find since the move. It was pricey there, but I couldn't not buy it. Then we all took the train home.

Almost immediately after we got home, my new friend texted me saying that she was at a bar down the street from us, so we met up with her briefly. She had to go super fast though.

I still haven't had a chance to have sex with either Rider or Sam. It's been since Monday or Tuesday since I've had any sex at all. But it will happen...it's just a question of when.

One kind of funny thing is that, apparently, Rita had crushes on both of them back in the day, and she has been acting all smitten in response to my photographs. We have bantered a bit. At one point, she said "I want a Sam!" and I told her that, if she's nice, she can probably borrow mine, and Rider and I were telling her that she can actually see Sam any time she likes, since they live in the same town. I joked to her that she's not "allowed" to make him want to stay there, though—Rider and I have clear-cut designs on getting him to move out here.

And...OF COURSE she likes both of them. She's alternate-reality me. LOL At this point, it's just an inside joke that I have with myself and giggle a little bit whenever something comes up that she likes too. Turning the whole thing into a running joke takes away the creepy factor. Also, honestly, who could resist these cuties? My gorgeous giants. <3 <3 <3