Opened the Marriage 2 years ago...just found out...

[FluxCapacitor]

Greetings! I'm new here.

I'm in kind of a confusing place currently and seeking some counsel.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.5. 2 years ago, we weren't in a great spot. He's always been hypersexual, and after having 2 kids and just the general beat-downs of life, I couldn't keep up. For years he'd been interested in bringing in a third, and we had a couple close calls, but I always chickened out when faced with the reality. I just wasn't confident enough in myself to follow through at that point. It all came to a head in Aug 2014, when he found us a willing partner (we'll call her A) and I shot him down. He was extremely frustrated, both sexually and emotionally. He felt I'd been lying to him by repeatedly promising something and not following through.

So I offered to open the relationship. It was quite clear I wasn't satisfying him sexually, and though I had no overt desire to have any encounters outside our marriage at the time, I was willing to honor his wishes to do so if it would help him. He quickly went out and "called my bluff" with the "A". They continued to see each other occasionally for almost a year, and remain friends to this day, though she is now in a mono relationship with someone else.

He's had a handful of other partners as well. He has a desire to be poly, though most of these are more FWB at this point.

The shock came last night, when he finally admitted to me that about 2 weeks before I suggested opening our marriage, he had sex with A. So, he cheated on me. My husband and I have always been extremely open and honest with each other - an open book from day 1, truly. This was a complete shock and totally out of character for him.

I'm hurt, but not really about the sex, just the lying and deception. He said it stemmed from the anger he had with being constantly led on about having a threesome and then being let down. My refusal to engage with A pushed him over the edge. He knows it wasn't an appropriate reaction and has felt guilty ever since then. He said he didn't tell me then because he was afraid of losing me...and then 2 months after it happened, my dad died, so he didn't tell me then...and eventually it just became a thing he meant to tell me some day, but never knew when that some day would come. Yesterday became that some day for no clear reason, and now I know.

I'm not interested in leaving him. Things have actually been really great between us the last several months, notwithstanding this bombshell from last night. I guess I just need to know how I move past this. Oh and I guess I should also mention I have yet to have any encounters outside my marriage, though I'm not opposed to the idea. I'm bicurious and would prefer to explore that over anything with another man at this point.

So that's my beautiful mess of a life. Sorry for the novel of a first post.

 

[opalescent]

I'm going to suggest something that may seem rather radical. I suggest giving each other a mulligan. Say to each other 'Wow, I fucked that up! I'm so sorry I hurt you by [specific ways you hurt each other]. Let's never do that again.' Then forgive each other (truly let go) and move on.

Look, clearly he should not have had sex with A before you agreed to an open relationship. And clearly, you were not really on board with threesomes despite promising to be. Neither excuses the other but they do explain what happened quite a bit. Acknowledge that to each other, forgive each other for failing to be the best version of yourselves.

It seems like this is truly a one-off, not a recurring pattern. He has otherwise behaved as an honorable, loving partner. Your marriage seems to be in a good place now. You've learned to be more open about what you want and what you don't. He's found other sexual partners. You are considering exploring sexually with women. Perhaps he should have told you way before this. But consider that telling you then may have torpedoed the progress you've made since. I'm not excusing it. Honesty is generally always the better way to go. But life is complex and consequences are not always clear and straightforward.

Give each other a pass, apologize for the pain caused, forgive and move on.

 

[Tinwen]

I have no experience whatsoever with your situation, but it seems you two had handled the difficult poly-(mostly)mono open relationship exceptionally well otherwise. It would be really a shame, if you are otherwise happy, to have this as a roadblock. Ask for time to process, perhaps for anything you need to repair trust.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I'm bicurious and would prefer to explore that over anything with another man at this point.

Hmm. As in "I'm open to finding myself a lover" or "maybe I could find someone we'd share"? Given your experiences, I'd strongly encourage the former. If your libido is as low as you say, it'd be MUCH better for you to not be inherently competing with your priapic husband. You could find affection, emotional connection, & maybe sex at your own pace.

As for his "hypersexuality"... recall a scene from Annie Hall. On a split screen, Woody & Annie are each with their respective therapists, bith of whom ask in unison, "How often do you have sex?" to which Woody replies, "Hardly ever -- two or three times a week," then Annie says, "Oh, all the time -- two or three times a week!!"

There was a stretch where it wasn't unusual that I'd regularly orgasm 5-6 times/day. That's not to say that I felt any need to -- sometimes I'd go for a week at zero -- but I simply had plenty of opportunity.

Early in our marriage, Anne decided she had some sort of reduced libido. I didn't press her on it & was supportive. Soon, though, she realized that it was from feeling a lack of control over sexual frequency & intensity, for her whole sex history. Again, I supported her, & she found that if she could freely ask for a quickie or a long sweaty afternoon or anything between, & whether she wanted to build up a long steady buzz or go for one hard orgasm after another, she was MUCH more interested. Sometimes I'd just cuddle her while she masturbated; sometimes she was wonderfully aggressive.

I do recommend some sort of couples counseling for you two. Maybe he's a little twitchy because he actually wants you sexually, & my feeling is that transferring this desire to someone else is at best a half-measure. And (as with Anne) you may be feeling pressured, which reduces your desirefrom what it would be with a clear head & heart. Leaving such issues unresolved as you jump into nonmonogamy will greatly increase likelihood of misunderstanding & resentment a few years down the road, & these will then be much more difficult to recover from.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi FluxCapacitor,

It sounds like your husband moved into one of those gray areas; telling you the truth was uncomfortable and he found ways to rationalize putting it off. So now you know he is flawed in that area. Can you accept him in spite of that? It doesn't mean what he did was okay, it just means you're willing to give him a second chance this time around.

Only you can tell if you're able to forgive. Some things can be forgiven, some things can't. Which category is this one in? and here's a harder question: Do you think you can trust him again?

Just some things to think about.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.