Reparation

[anita]

Hello,

I am very new to polyamory and seeking education. I am (I think—still learning terms and things) a secondary, and my partner is fluid bonded with their primary (a highly stable relationship). During one of our sexual encounters, my partner neglected to enforce the fluid bond and I lacked understanding to realize that I was breaking the fluid bond. If that wasn't bad enough, after doing some reading, I realize that this is a serious thing and may constitute cheating. Naturally, I feel utterly horrible about it and I am wondering if anyone has advice about how to attempt reparations with the primary.

Thanks in advance,
Anita

 

[kdt26417]

Hi anita,

There is no sure-fire way (that I know of) to make reparations with your metamour (the primary). You'll just have to sit down with them, explain what happened, and offer sincere apologies. It does, however, occur to me that this is mainly your partner's mess to clean up, as s/he is the one who trespassed on an agreement knowingly. I actually don't think you did anything wrong.

Just my 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[anita]

Thank you for the response Kevin T.

It is reassuring in a way to know that there is no 'poly protocol', so to speak, as it means I am not so far out of my comfort zone in approaching my metamour, although it would also be nice if I had clear rules to follow!

I should clarify that my partner was not intentionally unfaithful, but I won't elaborate on the intricacies of that as it is not possible to do so without surrendering my partner's privacy.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....after doing some reading, I realize that this is a serious thing and may constitute cheating.

"Some reading" can be helpful in understanding, but you must decide what polyamory means for you individually. There is no poly code of absolute conduct and that's kind of the point of polyamory itself. Many of the so-called experts online and in print give the impression that there is protocol, but there is not. Poly is about freedom of choice to make your relationships work for you. Other than open agreement that multiple loves are OK, there is no such thing as proper polyamory.

Using the word "reparations" implies that you transgressed, which you knowingly did not. It's certainly compassionate of you to think about what fluid bonding could mean for your partner and metamour, but their's is not your relationship. You can't and don't need to repair them because you did not damage them. You only need to identify what's important for you and get right with your partner about it. If you happen to talk about this with your metamour, that's great, but you needn't approach this with guilt. An apology in the spirit of good will couldn't hurt, but free yourself of shame before you do anything.

People hold "fluid bonding" to mean many things. For some, it's just a practical matter of sexual health. For others, it's a relationship thing. Some people agree to fluid bond with more than one person. Some people really don't worry about this at all and just trust their partner to be responsible and caring. There is no one way to look at this and what happened in your case certainly wouldn't be considered cheating by everyone. And it really doesn't matter what "everyone" thinks, anyway. Your relationships are yours to create. The important thing here is to create, with your partner, what fluid bonding means for you both and go forward from here.

 

[icesong]

If it makes you feel any better... let me tell you a story of something that happened to me. I don't know what your partner's rules with his wife(?) are, but TheKnight and I have a standing "use condoms for penetrative sex" rule (for both ourselves and other partners) - it's not a "fluid bond" thing as I find the phrasing silly, just an STI-risk-reduction and birth control thing.

Well... I previously had a metamour who was not used to condom sex, as her husband had had a vasectomy, and they slipped up a few times. Luckily no harm came of it (I can't even imagine the shitshow that our lives would be had she gotten pregnant); but even at the time I wasn't upset at _her_ for the mistake, only him. The reason there is that _she_ and I hadn't made any agreements, only _he_ and I.

So my point here is that I don't think I'd worry about "reparations". _You_, by my standards anyway, didn't screw up...

 

[anita]

Thank you very kindly for the respones.

I find it difficult to not see myself at blame to any degree here. As one of the parties involved in the activity that broke the trust of my partner and my metamour, I am certainly involved and I believe part of the responsibility is mine. Of course their agreement is nothing I should or want to poke my nose into, and I can't be responsbile for my partner's conduct, but in this case I knew that my partner and my metamour were fluid bonded and it was only my ignorance of what a fluid bond specifically was (I assumed it was restricted to involving penises) that allowed me to even consider engaging in the activity that broke their bond. Ignorance does not remove culpability, and just because it is my partner's responsibility to ensure that they honor their agreements surely does not mean that I am blameless for having participated in an activity that dishonored an agreement, just going by my pre-existing understanding of non-poly relationship/friendship dynamics.

Still, your thoughts are encouraging and it is reassuring to think that I may not have started a friendship with a metamour on the wrong foot altogether.

 

[KC43]

But *you* did not actively break anything, because you did not *know* what their agreement entailed. You say you didn't have full understanding of what "fluid bond" meant, and therefore, you can't have *actively* done anything.

This is not your problem. It is not your responsibility. Your partner knew what his agreement was with his primary; it was HIS responsibility to ensure that he kept that agreement, and that you fully understood it. HE was the one who shirked--intentionally or not--those responsibilities.

You don't have to make reparations for anything. This is between your partner and his primary. You need to let them handle it, and if I were you, I would have a serious discussion with him about whether there are any other agreements you need a better understanding of before the relationship continues.

"Fluid bonding" means different things to different people, so it's completely understandable that you didn't fully realize what your partner's agreements with his primary were. This is why communication is important.

But *you* did not do anything wrong. *You* did not break trust or agreements, because *you* did not have any trust or agreements with your metamour. Your PARTNER did. This is on him.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from anita):

"Ignorance does not remove culpability ..."

I can see that, to a certain extent. Like, it is your responsibility to ask and learn? something on that order?

 

[FallenAngelina]

...I lacked understanding to realize that I was breaking the fluid bond.

What is their agreement? What does "fluid bonded" mean to them? Don't assign blame to yourself or to anyone based on what people on websites and books have to say. How can you hold yourself responsible for adhering to the specifics of an agreement that you don't know about?

 

[anita]

Thank you everyone for all your thoughtful responses and clarifications again.

Your partner knew what his agreement was with his primary; it was HIS responsibility to ensure that he kept that agreement, and that you fully understood it.

Hmmmm. You're right in a way, I mean you're right that it is my partner's responsibility to ensure that they keep their agreements, but I also have to acknowledge that I played a part. This is difficult to talk about here without going into the intricacies of the personalities of the parties involved and so on. You're also right that my partner should make me aware of the specifics of the fluid bond agreement, and should make sure that I understand, but it isn't their job to educate me on the ins-and-outs of polyamory, and in this case neither my partner nor I realized that I did not actually understand the possible scope of a fluid bond, because of my ignorance, which in turn prevented me from diagnosing that the activity could be in violation of a fluid bond. It's all very tricky!

if I were you, I would have a serious discussion with him about whether there are any other agreements you need a better understanding of before the relationship continues.

Excellent advice, thank you. For now, my partner has given me some educational books, and there will certainly be some in-depth discussions.

I can see that, to a certain extent. Like, it is your responsibility to ask and learn? something on that order?

100%, and maybe in this case it is at best a lack of respect to my partner and metamour to have not to educated myself properly, at worst an act of enabling or stimulating my partner's (non-intentioned) dishonesty, but if I were to encounter a situation where I was quite clearly at blame, I wouldn't feel at all legitimate trying to lighten my load of responsibility by saying I was ignorant of how things worked or such. And it's not my partner's or anyone else's job to educate me.

What is their agreement? What does "fluid bonded" mean to them? Don't assign blame to yourself or to anyone based on what people on websites and books have to say. How can you hold yourself responsible for adhering to the specifics of an agreement that you don't know about?

Yeah, excellent point. The crux of the problem is that my partner did not recognize that the activity was in violation of the fluid bond agreement until after the activity had occurred and they had time to think about it. There was a moment where we were talking about fluid bond and safer sex and I asked in disbelief if we had broken the fluid bond and they said, "technically". I didn't cope very well with that knowledge. But as with all things real-life, nothing is clear cut: Both my partner's issues and my issues were a factor in why barriers were not used in the activity, and my partner's issues were a response to my issues, as well as to the general intensity of our interactions I suppose. Likely there is NRE involved (just learned about that one too!), although that feeling has pretty much died for me after this has happened. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph of this post, maybe my responsibility here is just the role I played in contributing to circumstances where my partner and I consented to not using barriers in the activity in the first place. Whatever the specifics of the fluid bond may be, or may have been before this occurred, I can't pretend that I was not involved and therefore responsible to some extent, however secondary, in bringing about what happened. Would you agree, you think?

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Even after reading your follow up posts... I still don't see how this is in any way your fault. I get what you're saying about ignorance not being an excuse, but... This isn't something you could have been expected to know about. Even if you were a long time poly person, you *still* couldn't have been expected to know the specifics of agreements between your partner and your metamour.

On the other hand, you *could* reasonably expect that your partner would a) tell you in advance about important boundaries, without your having to ask, and b) not do things that would violate pre-existing agreements. In your situation, I would have just assumed that if my partner was going along with an activity, that activity was within the bounds of his agreements with other partners.

And if he later realized he'd crossed a line, I would not blame myself. Or feel like it was my job to sort it out with my metamour. That's his stuff. He can come back and say, so and so asked we not do that again, and I'll say whether I'm on board with that.

Is there some reason you're convinced this is your fault? Or even your issue to worry about? Is your partner or your meta upset with you?

 

[FallenAngelina]

Anita, from what you've told us, my impression is that you heap way more responsibility on yourself than is good for you - and for your partner, frankly. It's your responsibility to know your feelings and stick with that feels right for you, but you really need to stay in your own lane here. It is impossible for you to read enough on poly to plan for every eventuality and the magic of relationships is that you co-create them, together. I'm not sure why your partner is having you read books and not telling you the specifics of how he likes to do poly. There are no rule books, only the experiences of others, which certainly can help but are no means a substitute for working together to create a relationship that works for both of you.

You seem to be taking too much responsibility for an "oops" and not enough for your own voice. You are not an add-on to their relationship, but a whole, complete human being in and of yourself. Keep in mind that polyamory is about valuing freedom and autonomy, so while a bit of poly education is helpful, your preferences, desires, limits, questions and needs are enormous components in how things unfold. You don't need to sit at anyone's feet and learn, you're out there learning for yourself. So don't heap a bunch of unnecessary worry and blame on yourself and think about what you want and what's going to work for you.

 

[KC43]

Telling you the details of their agreements does not constitute your partner and metamorphosis "educating you about polyamory." It constitutes communication about that SPECIFIC relationship. As I and others said, "fluid bond" is not a universal concept. For me and my partners, saying "no fluid bond with anyone else" refers solely to penetrative sex, that is penis in vagina or penis in anus. Those are the only things for which a barrier is required. For others, it might also include oral sex, and I seem to recall a poster here a while back for whom it included any type of contact with the entire genital area.

You are new to poly, and presumably your partner knows this. So, in my opinion, to some extent it IS his responsibility to educate you about poly, and especially to educate you about how he and his primary handle it. You are not a mind reader, you can't always know what to ask because you don't know what information even exists, and all the reading in the universe is not going to tell you how YOUR partner and HIS primary do things.

 

[anita]

Thank you all, it's really helpful..

Is there some reason you're convinced this is your fault? Or even your issue to worry about? Is your partner or your meta upset with you?

No specific reason, no.. Neither are upset with me.

About the books, I requested them. I'm a big reader.

Thank you again for the perspective.

 

[Infinity]

I understand the sense of culplibility, and your want to make it right.

Perhaps it would help if you could differentiate between:

Unethical behaviour that has already happened

And

Unethical behaviour that is happening *now*.

I believe in the first, you have far less responsibility than the second:

Unethical behaviour that has already happened:
1. Your partner and metamor made an agreement
2. Your partner did not fully explain that agreement to you (their bad)
3. You participated in something against that agreement (your partners bad for allowing it to happen and not communicating)
None of this is *your bad*. Because, to do something wrong, you have to have had a choice to do the right thing, known it was the right thing, and chosen the wrong thing anyway. In this case, you were tricked or manipulated into doing the wrong thing by your partner - THEIR bad, NOT yours.

However, you ARE complicit in unethical behaviour that is ONGOING, which is probably why you feel the need to make reprerations:

Unethical behaviour that is ongoing:
1. Your partner was dishonest with you. Have you communicated to him that this is NOT ok (if not, your bad) and what clear, honest communication you require from now on to ensure this doesn't happen again (if not, your bad)

2. Your partner was dishonest with you - have you decided what your boundaries are regarding this? If it happens again, how many times would you allow it before you say 'I am out of this relationship?' (If not, your bad - because you are allowing yourself to stay in a relationship with no sense of boundary regarding this behaviour)

3. Your partner was dishonest with their partner - have you seriously reconsidered whether you can trust them to uphold YOUR sexual agreements? (If not, you need to).

4. Your partner broke the agreement with their partner - have you told their partner, for ethical reasons? (If not, you are complicit in keeping information from their partner which their partner is entitled to. It's the same as if you saw someone cheating on their partner, if you do not tell that partner, you are now complicit in the lie, even if you were not complicit in the cheating).

5. Your partner broke trust with their partner and put their partner's sexual health at risk - have you told their partner for that reason? (If not, you are complicit in their partner's sexual health potentially being damaged).

Even if your partner tells you they have told your metamor what happened, I would be telling them *yourself*, because at the moment your partner doesn't sound very trustworthy or like they can be trusted to honour their word.

The short version:
You were not ethically at fault with what initially happened.
You *are* ethically at fault if you do not tell their partner, communicate your feelings and boundaries to your partner and have a really good think about if, or how much of, that you can put up with again.

Your partner effectively lead you to betray their partner. I'd be reconsidering a relationship with someone who can do that. It shows very little respect for you or your metamor.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Anita,

Does she know about the violation of their agreement?
If so, do you feel you are being held responsible in any way?

It is their agreement, and theirs to work out. Even if you had pushed for a violation, it is up to him to uphold their agreement and up to them to work out what happens if it is not upheld. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be respectful, know the boundaries and play within them, however, in this case it is not you who made the agreement with her, and so it is not you who broke it. This is his mess to clean up.

If I were in your position I would likely get an STI test and show the results to my partner, and offer to show it to his partner, too. You have to remember that safer sex works both ways; using a condom protects them, yes, but it protects your health too. The more people added to a chain of fluid-bonding, the more people you are trusting with your health.

 

[anita]

Thank you so much for your thoughts Infinity, some of the points did come across my mind and this is certainly going to require some working through with my partner. I am doing my best not to feel defeated by the circumstances.

4. Your partner broke the agreement with their partner - have you told their partner, for ethical reasons? (If not, you are complicit in keeping information from their partner which their partner is entitled to. It's the same as if you saw someone cheating on their partner, if you do not tell that partner, you are now complicit in the lie, even if you were not complicit in the cheating).

This is very difficult, I would not feel comfortable telling the partner that they were being cheating on until after I had made it clear to the cheating partner that they had to be told and given the cheating partner appropriate time to do that.

Even if your partner tells you they have told your metamor what happened, I would be telling them *yourself*, because at the moment your partner doesn't sound very trustworthy or like they can be trusted to honour their word.

I may have to, although I do think that my partner is trustworthy enough to tell my metamour. This is complicated by the fact that I only just met my metamour and do not have any way to contact them directly.

Anita,

Does she know about the violation of their agreement?
If so, do you feel you are being held responsible in any way?

It is their agreement, and theirs to work out. Even if you had pushed for a violation, it is up to him to uphold their agreement and up to them to work out what happens if it is not upheld. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be respectful, know the boundaries and play within them, however, in this case it is not you who made the agreement with her, and so it is not you who broke it. This is his mess to clean up.

If I were in your position I would likely get an STI test and show the results to my partner, and offer to show it to his partner, too. You have to remember that safer sex works both ways; using a condom protects them, yes, but it protects your health too. The more people added to a chain of fluid-bonding, the more people you are trusting with your health.

My metamour does not yet know about the violation. I asked my partner to tell my metamour as soon as possible, it has been several days since then. My partner was holding me partially responsible, perhaps because my initial response was to take responsibility, although I had not pushed (they explicitly asked for the activity), but after gaining perspective through this thread I have expressed to my partner that I cannot be held accountable, which they seem to have accepted. Fortunately, the activity was not unsafe and could not have transmitted any STIs, although I have been cleared by recent results.

Thank you again, I so appreciate the guidance you all have offered.

 

[Leetah]

It definitely sounds as though your partner and metamour have an agreement about fluid bonding that goes beyond safer sex practices and into the realm of personal beliefs/desires. It also sounds as though perhaps your partner is not totally in accord with your meta on the details. In any case it is on him and not you to deal with his agreements and make sure they are clear to all involved. If he seems reluctant to talk to his partner about this you could see if he can tell you why that is. That might give you good insight into his way of handling relationships.

leetah

 

[IndieSolo]

I really hope you let go of this "cheating" idea.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I really hope you let go of this "cheating" idea.

I do, too.

I am doing my best not to feel defeated by the circumstances..

Words like "cheating," "complicit," "violation" and "reparations" assume a level of misconduct that is way beyond how you perceived things at the time, anita. Even if it turns out that this is a violation in your metamour's perception, most reasonable adults would hear your story, feel your sincere apology and go forward in good will from here. You're heaping way more responsibility on yourself than what's called for.

I asked my partner to tell my metamour as soon as possible, it has been several days since then.

If they are in a highly stable relationship, then why would he be reluctant to talk this over with her? Why is this situation so charged? Why would he be asking you for "an act" that he knows his partner wouldn't be happy about? And then hold you even the slightest bit responsible? I'm thinking that there's a lot more going on here than just this one slip up. You can't know what all is happening in their relationship and it sounds as if you tripped a wire that you did not see. Most of this has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is a good time for you to get clear on your emotional boundaries.