Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I'm so sorry to read this, Bluebird. I read your blog often and feel awed at how much love, time and energy you spent on the people in your life. So sad that things haven't worked out with Warman. You both really did try. I hope you heal quickly.
 
Depression is a terrible disease. I am so sorry he refuses to pursue treatment for it. He is throwing away a treasure for no good reason.
 
Honestly? The more I think about it, the more betrayed I feel.

The therapist started out the session, asking what had changed, happened, etc - what did we want to start out discussing. I pretty much laid out what I had posted in the morning, how the different coping strategies that my guys have, differ from WarMan, and how I rather felt at a loss on how to deal with such a disconnect. What coping mechanism I could put in place. He asked me what caused that disconnect, really, and I said I was fairly certain it was my attachment issues, again. He said, "Of course! You feel abandoned."

Which honestly, I hadn't used that word in conjunction with last week, and I was mulling it over in my head when WarMan dropped his bombshell that he wanted to move out earlier than we had discussed. Before we had started therapy he had promised me that he wouldn't miss date days with me between now and September, that he wouldn't miss therapy appointments between now and September and that we would reassess things then. So as I am thinking about abandonment, he brings up well, abandonment. I was flabbergasted.

He said waiting wouldn't change how he felt. He didn't want to discuss breaking up, as that this was independent of his feelings for me. Honestly, PunkRock, DarkKnight and I had prior discussions - before WarMan and I had started therapy - about how likely it would be that he would move out by October, and we were certain it would happen. So we had already discussed shifting rooms, how we would handle the possible changes in scheduling, etc. That WarMan had chosen to move out wasn't a huge issue on the surface. However, him breaking the agreement to really work on things between now and September just hit me in the gut like a sack of bricks. His feeling was that this was an independent decision that wouldn't affect him working on our issues.

The therapist told him that moving the timeline forward like that was trumping anything I wanted, or what we were trying to accomplish, and WarMan asked him to explain that. The therapist told him it wasn't much of a compromise if he failed to follow with what we had previously discussed.

I was being hit squarely with abandonment when I was already feeling abandoned.

We discussed WarMan's back, a lot, and his upcoming medical procedures. WarMan said he really felt like the deterioration of his back was fueling a lot of the despondency he felt. He listed all sorts of issues and the therapist told him he was listing symptoms of clinical depression.

He wanted to talk to WarMan about possibly adjusting his meds, or trying a different type of therapy but WarMan shut that down saying that he had a lot going on and had reasons for his depression to get worse.

The therapist thought he was crazy to have fluid injected into his spinal cavity and then fly to NM the very next day, and he was concerned about the pressure changes possibly doing serious damage. WarMan didn't want to hear that but begrudgingly agreed that maybe he should let the spinal guy know that was his plan, but that he probably would fly anyway. This whole issue has made me increasingly anxious. He isn't willing to make rational decisions surrounding his health - he has a fatalistic view that it doesn't matter anyway. I think it's a feedback loop with his depression.

We talked a ton about my physical needs for affection and strategies that WarMan could use instead of intercourse, but he wasn't interested in helping me masturbate, toys, anything. He said he would just be faking being interested. I asked him that when he moved out, did he see that changing. When the answer was no - for me, it was just a total loss from there. I have no desire to put my life and schedule back into an upheaval to continue to see someone who is breaking agreements and who is unwilling to supply any of my basic human need for affection. I am not going to come visit twice a week and sit on the couch like he interacts with Monkey. I am not Monkey and I refuse to be her.

So where do I go from here?

I really, really regret sharing even the little bit of my background that I did with WarMan, because in the end it just goes to show that people who are supposed to be loving you and caring about you aren't to be trusted. Which I know is wonky thinking, but this absolutely feeds my attachment demon. Which sucks. I'm aware of it though. I think that more than anything, is something I need to discuss in my individual therapy. How do I not let this broken agreement and break up do further damage to my thinking processes.

It's also left me feeling terribly unattractive and the weight I've gained in the last two months just ugh. I am going to start really working out again now that my illnesses have passed. I will not let the wreckage of my heart be a further setback to my physical health.

My friends really have been reaching out to me and I need to lean on them to look forward. I feel energized when talking to them and it helps me to foster a positive outlook, rather than sit in sadness and despair.

I really have a lot of concern for WarMan and his demons. PunkRock said he was worried that this would cause him to spiral further down, and I hope not. Boosting him up though, is not something I can continue to do. If he isn't willing to take positive steps on managing his own physical and mental health - any lifting I do just isn't and won't be enough.

More than anything, I wish I could go back and fight and make this work. I love and have loved WarMan so very much. But I can only move forward and I can't force him to see the value in me. I can't make someone care when they don't.
 
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Bluebird said:
As much as I still do love WarMan, I have to love myself more.

So I will.
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I am so sorry that things did not work out the way you had hoped. But what you said above, is so true. When I ended things with my ex-fiance three years ago, I kept telling myself the same thing. He had combat-related PTSD, was an alcoholic, and was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic before I met him. I thought I could deal with it, but after almost four years, I realized that as much as I loved him, I loved myself more and needed to show it. The first few months were difficult, but I surrounded myself with friends that I'd been neglecting, and attending events that I had been unable to attend. It took time, but I healed... and found someone that was worth my time, and loved me as much as I loved them. And that wasn't lost on a path of self-destruction that I could not and did not want to take.

I hope you find peace soon.
 
Oh Bluebird, I am so sorry it's come to this.

I do think you made every effort you possibly could to accommodate him and compromise, but I don't think he had it in him to put through the same effort. His depression, his lack of belief in his worth, all the physical pain he's enduring, and his mightily co-dependent relationship with a very controlling Monkey all add up to icky stuff that just gets in the way of nurturing and growing a healthy love relationship with you (or with anyone, for that matter).

I totally understand how abandoned and betrayed you feel - but I also hope you can see that his choices were not about you. It isn't personal, and isn't a reflection of you. It is all only due to his own issues, his internal patterns of behavior, and the belief system he's developed in his head about himself, and nothing to do with you and your love for him. He's making a choice based on self-imposed limits that he doesn't even recognize. I hope that, someday, he can get past all that and let more love in his life.

You did the best you could and I am glad to see that you are loving yourself and standing up for what you need.
 
Bluebird, I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I hope DarkKnight and PunkRock, and your therapist, are supportive.

I did want to say... something in your last post struck an important chord with me in reference to something going on in my life right now. So thank you for that.
 
Thanks everyone. Yes, DarkKnight and PunkRock have been supportive. My husbands are the best, truly. I am always just in this cocoon of love. It's pretty great. I had some talking out to do with both of them today, and they let me vent without judgement and much love. Honestly, things have been easier than I expected. I feel like I am cycling through the stages of grief fairly quick, and I believe that is a good thing. I'm hurt still, and sad, but not devastated. I don't feel like that is a reflection on the depth of my relationship with WarMan, but instead due to how resigned I had felt recently that he wasn't going to care enough to work on his issues.

I still have much love for WarMan but I am letting it go in spurts. When I start feeling sad, I instead thank him in my head for the past positive feelings and then move on. Same though, for when I feel myself get angry, I just recognize it, leave it and then move on. It's working well for me.
 
Bluebird said:
...WarMan's back, a lot, and his upcoming medical procedures. WarMan said he really felt like the deterioration of his back was fueling a lot of the despondency he felt. He listed all sorts of issues and the therapist told him he was listing symptoms of clinical depression.

.... have fluid injected into his spinal cavity.....

We talked a ton about my physical needs for affection and strategies that WarMan could use instead of intercourse, but he wasn't interested in helping me masturbate, toys, anything. He said he would just be faking being interested. ...
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He has severe back pain, upcoming medical procedures, from what I've read, he can barely move many days due to the pain...and you're upset that he isn't 'interested in' helping you masturbate.

I gently suggest that you, too, are feeding your own downward spiral, and have a mistaken sense of proportion. His house is burning down, his child is trapped inside, and you're upset that he promised last week to buy you popcorn and isn't doing it.
 
I gently suggest that you, too, are feeding your own downward spiral, and have a mistaken sense of proportion. His house is burning down, his child is trapped inside, and you're upset that he promised last week to buy you popcorn and isn't doing it.
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The fact here is that I needed something, anything at all from him, to show me that there was still something left to fight for, and he didn't. I didn't bring up masturbating, or even sex. The therapist did. If you read my journal, masturbating isn't something I would ever bring up as a suggestion! I was actually pretty vocal that I just wanted SOME sort of physical affection that wasn't making me feel like it was a peck on the cheek from my brother. This was earlier in the therapy session, before the therapist talked about the clinical depression stuff.

WarMan didn't want to fight for me. He refused to even fight for himself.

I don't feel as if I personally was on a downward spiral. Especially not now. Our relationship was, but it's actually been sort of a relief to free myself from the responsibility of his negativity.

I believe that when I see the therapist, he'll tell me that there wasn't much I could do if WarMan was unwilling to accept help with his back, with his depression or with his other mental health issues. I am not a trained professional, but I have dealt with all of these things in my loved ones at various times. You can only encourage. You can't make yourself responsible. And there was absolutely a limit that I had, but I was willing to keep trying. But when WarMan decided to bail out early and refuse further treatment, I was left with no real good options.

It sucks that it ended. I still love this man. But I will not fight for someone who won't show me a minimal level of care and concern. If he is too depressed to even do that, then I would rather part ways and hope that he spends that effort on loving himself instead.
 
WhatHappened said:
He has severe back pain, upcoming medical procedures, from what I've read, he can barely move many days due to the pain...and you're upset that he isn't 'interested in' helping you masturbate.

I gently suggest that you, too, are feeding your own downward spiral, and have a mistaken sense of proportion. His house is burning down, his child is trapped inside, and you're upset that he promised last week to buy you popcorn and isn't doing it.
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You can call it "gentle," but your words seem harsh, and they don't even reflect the reality of the situation.

Bluebird, I think I know why you are adjusting rather well. The writing has been on the wall for a long time. You did your best. WarMan isn't taking care of himself, and that is bad for his physical and mental health and makes him unable to have a healthy love relationship. I hope he gets back relief from his upcoming epidural, and that gives him one less reason to be depressed.

I find it rather appalling he is going to fly to NM the day after his shot though. It does reflect his low self esteem and depression. I hope it doesn't kill him.

I know this past year of my back pain did lead to some depression on my part. It was very frustrating to not be able to engage in life, activities, exercise. I couldn't vacuum my house! Looking at the dust bunnies made me depressed. Hell, sometimes I couldn't even sit on the couch and watch TV in the evening with Pixi without a tramadol, 3 ibuprofen, some weed and 2 or 3 alcoholic drinks. Thank god my chiropractic treatment has lessened my pain. I am feeling more like myself again. Not perfect, but much better.

I wish you and your husbands more joy now that this situation has been dealt with!
 
WhatHappened said:
His house is burning down, his child is trapped inside, and you're upset that he promised last week to buy you popcorn and isn't doing it.
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So... if someone is having trouble in their life, you should stay with them, no matter their treatment of you? In my view, when someone's house is on fire, and you are at risk of going up in flames with it, you are allowed to leave. Even if there is a child stuck inside.

Bluebird, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 
Today wasn't difficult. I have this pervasive sadness, but it was at a low enough level that I had zero problems functioning. I could actually feel it as a funk on my skin, so I decided to try and feel as fabulous as possible today. I did my hair and makeup the way that PunkRock likes, and it did help. Actually, after I was all dressed, I felt a little silly because it was a little too fancy for the game store and a work picnic with PunkRock afterward. But, I said fuck it, and decided to feel good.

A friend picked me up as a ride to the game store. It was great to talk to him, and he knows the situation, and he was kind. He made me laugh a lot. He did ask me about WarMan's back and when I told him about the shots and then WarMan's plan to fly right after, he was like, "Does he have a fucking death wish?! Doesn't he understand how pressure works?" He thought I was joking. Of course I wasn't. He just shook his head.

Anyway, I had probably the best game of my life in WarMachine today. It went twice as long as it should have, and the scenario kept the other player and I just at each other the entire time. I lost, but seriously had SO MUCH FUN. I had played against this guy once before - he's the younger kid that plays in Monkey's D&D game - and I had won then, easily. Today it was just crazy. I was glad when I lost, and not upset because it was just a super fair, drag em out fight. I told him I definitely wanted to play him again.

It was interesting that several people came up to tell me they were sorry about my break up with WarMan. It kind of jarred me a couple of times, but it was no big deal to say thanks. I actually told the guy I was playing before we started, since he knows WarMan. I didn't want him to be the only one right there that didn't know. Honestly, it was no big deal. I was ok saying it and shrugging and moving on the conversation. At one point I was talking to my friend about going to see his clubhouse (as PunkRock and I had him over the week prior and we had discussed it then) and he said he was free all week and how about me. I joked that my scheduled had actually opened up recently and he practically shouted, " You mean you have time to BREATHE now! How did you even manage that! If I had just one girlfriend to go along with my wife I'd be fucking nuts." This embarrassed me and I shushed him.

Anyway, at the end of my game, PunkRock showed up but we didn't end up going to the work picnic, as the weather had been shitty and it looked as if it would pour rain again. Instead, he gave me some good hugs and we went to dinner, which was unexpected but I appreciated the connection. I think my guys are trying to take care of me, as they know my sense of trust is pretty much shot, and that I am still really worried about WarMan's health. We talked A LOT about our upcoming move, and my daughter's plans. It was a good discussion.
 
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Onward and upward. Last night was a sleepover with DarkKnight, and I was so emotionally exhausted that after a short bit, I passed the fuck out and was just gone. I don't even remember my dreams, which is incredibly rare. I didn't start a story before sleeping and I certainly don't have anything in my head to continue the narrative tonight. My dreams are always directed and lucid. Not last night!

Anyway, DarkKnight's alarm went off for work here and he starts at 6:30 am, and rather than roll back over, I am up too. I have decided to start my very best life, right now. A huge part of it is losing all this weight I have packed on in the last month or so, while I was trying to eat the emotions I have been struggling with. That means Aqua Zumba begins at 8 am.

My schedule for today is completely open. I need to get some worksheets printed and prepped for my daughter as she is still getting ready for the ASVAB, and I need to do some budgeting for the month, but I have time today to really work on me. What that means right now, I don't know. It won't be just focusing on today. Maybe I will finally clear off my desks downstairs - I have a paperwork station and a craft area that are currently reflecting the chaos in my heart and that is not a good thing. It will be a priority for me to straighten out my shit and make my life orderly again. That I feel motivated to do this is calming to me. Things are unfolding the way that they should.

I think I have posted these here before; I have 6 affirmations that, in the past, I have looked at every morning, and repeated - out loud - daily. Some mean more to me at certain times than others, but they are all mine; they resonate in my heart and I need to reclaim them:

I take charge of my life.

I respond instead of react.

I forgive myself.

I choose to be happy.

All false messages about me are now dissolved with total grace.

I forgive every person who has ever undermined my self esteem.

Booyah bitches! I got this. It's time to start being me again.
 
W00T! Not only did I do Aqua Zumba today, but since I was free, I stayed and did the Splash & Hydro class as well. It's a start, at least, and I am happy to have my cardio out of the way. I am way up, emotionally now. :) Imma gonna look awesome again. :) It feels like I can get back to being me.

I talked to DarkKnight this morning, as I was updating the calendar with the swim workout classes I will be taking now, and I saw that the next one (Wednesday) will be missed because I have my final appointment with the dental surgeon for my crown. I started getting shaky, but DarkKnight is going to take time off that day to drive me and be my support. I have never, ever been more scared in my life. This angers me a good deal, because going to the dentist has never been a fear of mine. Ever since their fuck up though, I am terrified. I feel a little bit better knowing DarkKnight will be there to hold me before and after.

Oh! Also this morning, a guy I used to date that had first just posted a "I'm sorry" on my Facebook regarding my breakup with WarMan, sent me several chatty messages. I'm thinking, like, dude, really?! I can't remember what nickname I gave him back when we were dating, but pretty much the only reason I stopped seeing him was because of PunkRock. When I met PunkRock, there was no comparison, no moving forward with anyone - he was my soul match, and he needed my full attention. Anyway, this guy sends me messages every now and then, to see if I am available to date, to see if I am ok. It's actually kind of sweet, because he's a decent guy. But seriously! there is no way I am ready to date right now, though I appreciate the contact. I asked DarkKnight - guess who is messaging me again? - and he started laughing, because he knew. DarkKnight always liked this guy, because they are both into the theater and have a lot in common. DarkKnight told me to tell the guy that he personally was available for theater dates. LMAO

Oh well. Not happening. I am not even remotely beginning to heal from this. Just hearing WarMan's voice makes me teary. I still love him so very much, and I am so very worried about him. I'll be able to stop caring soon, I hope.

When I go to date again, it won't be for a love match. I can't handle that with my attachment issues. Not after this.

I am fairly certain the only interest I will have will be with finding a play partner who is in to DD/lg. This guy won't fit me with that. He's like DarkKnight - way too sweet and kind in bed. Nothing wrong with that at all, just I don't need another relationship like that. I'm just all used up now when it comes to having to focus on healing. I don't have any more love to give another person. I'm keeping it for myself.
 
Aww, don't write the guy off altogether. You never know what the future will bring, after you've mourned the end of your relationship with WarMan. This other guy might surprise you.

You do sound like you're doing well and in a good place, considering. I really like your affirmations!
 
Yeah, I don't know. I just went back and re-read a small section of my journal, to try and find this guy's nickname, and it was Greg. I always liked him, because he was so smooth and calm and just reminded me of another DarkKnight. He treated me like a princess and was just the sweetest person. I found him attractive - though he is definitely a larger dude - and enjoyed spending time with him. We had sex once but it wasn't very good because his penis was too large. Like, normal condom ain't cuttin it, large. Not lengthwise, but width-wise. It was truly huge. He made sure I enjoyed myself, but it was daunting and I felt like I wasn't ever going to be able to make us compatible sexually. Anyway, I enjoyed dating him but if I were going to consider him again, ever, it would probably be more on a FWB sort of thing. I really like him as a person. Honestly, I don't think I will be ready for even a friendly casual relationship for a long while, if ever. Seriously, the thought of that makes me want to cry. The aloneness and anxiety I feel because of this whole thing with WarMan - I am not going to trust another guy to not lie to me. It sucks for Greg, but it just can't happen. I can't go through this heartache again.

Anyway, my journal - I started reading at the end of my relationship with M, and it was interesting to look back at that time period. As intensely as I felt back then, it's just a footnote now in the scheme of things. It makes me sad to think that my 1 year with WarMan will be faded like that too someday. I really did love WarMan you guys - I did so much to make him fit into my life the way he said he wanted. Yet he threw me away, and I feel like this last month was such a fog of disappointment and sadness. ��

Cut and paste song lyric from my breakup with M section. Still true now:

"You take that love you made, and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood. And walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does, you just do it all again..."

Ok, enough emo chick.

The best part re-reading everything though was when I met PunkRockAwesomesauce. I started fluttering with NRE again. Oh, that was so heavenly to read! It was such a huge jolt of happy. I needed that today. He was so insanely happy whenever we would communicate - my soul recognized his and his soul recognized mine and it was just intensely RIGHT. We clicked on every single level. This man - I am so amazingly lucky to have him in my life. My breakup with WarMan is just a scant few days old, but PunkRock has just been there to hold me and love me and make me feel ok. And the way he does it - he STILL has nothing negative to say about WarMan. If I am crying or clingy, he just holds me and rubs my back and is just there for me. I just want to say that I am the LUCKIEST girl. He is just phenomenal as a partner.

Holy hell this is way longer than I intended.
 
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Good news. WarMan had his surgery rescheduled and he had to cancel his trip, because it was rescheduled in the middle of it. I am sad that he won't be able to see his kids, but I am glad he won't be able to kill himself doing it.

I had to go pick up PunkRock from work tonight, since his car is still out of commission in our garage. I planned on working on writing some poetry, because that usually helps me to heal. However, when I went to my notes app on my phone, this was one of the pages I had saved, and I couldn't really work on anything, as it took my breath away. Pretty much says it all. Maybe I will write something later, but right now, NOPE. This little stanza from the Internet is sufficient.


I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was everything.
And I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was nothing.
 
Wallowing this morning.

1. You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

2. I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same.

3. Take another breath and start the climb.

4. I would have held you, if you'd only let me.

Gah! Gotta put the brakes on this today. I feel like I am fitting in loss, in between my moments. I let it happen when it hits me though - it's the only way to heal.

I woke up this morning and PunkRock made a joke that made my heart sink beneath the subfloor. It was a joke, but it killed me inside, in a place that didn't exist previously. I can't...I need to stop the pity party right now and focus on today.

I have two back-to-back Chemistry classes, both consisting of one kiddo each. They need to make up labs and lessons. Hopefully today will be the end of that. Starting at 11:30.

I think I will go back downstairs and get wrapped up in one of PunkRock's body hugs for at least an hour. I need some comfort.
 
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