It's a Texlahoma Story

This is exactly it--there must be some balance. It does matter where a path is taking us, which doesn't mean that we can't sometimes enjoy wandering without a destination. But we must have some idea we're not walking straight into real problems, either.

My XBF would counter that he has feelings for, and likes, everyone he sleeps with, and that swinging does not mean a complete absence of emotion. Not being a swinger, I'd have no idea. Maybe it's different for some than for others. Or maybe he thinks it sounds better to say he has feelings and likes these people and remains their friends.
 
Sigh. WH & TGFT, you're both not getting it. I don't have TV, so I am not familiar with the Walking Dead, but what I am saying is NOT AT ALL about closing one's eyes and avoiding reality. Sheesh, what Negative Nellies.

If one is present in the moment and attends to what is, one would see the cliff before falling off it. It's not about never being prepared or never making plans. It's about being happy with what one has and seeing the beauty there is in the here and now, and not having to steer things to a particular shape or outcome. So many times, men I've dated assumed that, since I am a woman, I am going to eventually want to "get them to commit" or "rope them into marriage," when all I wanted was to tell them, "I'm happy with the way things are - why would I want to change anything?"

And if the path ain't so beautiful, there's no reason to stay on it. So, again, it's about being present and taking care of oneself.
 
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I'm getting it just fine thank you. You and I are largely saying the same thing.

Largely.

However, people have a tendency to fall in love, and that often leads to wanting more with the person we love. And that leads to all sorts of complications, when one or both of us are married.

And the downfall (forgive the choice of words) of the cliff analogy is that if we see a cliff ahead, we can turn and walk away, no harm done. But we're talking about finding ourselves in a position where the cliff has been running alongside the beautiful path all along, and by the time we see it, it's crumbling beneath our feet. There's no way to go back.

There has been a lot of pain for me, XBF, and even for our arts group we were both in. I saw those potential consequences, but he insisted we could just 'enjoy the path,' that he'd been doing this for years, happily. (Later, by bits and pieces, I learned about all the drama he'd really had, as mentioned in a recent post, and realized that in fact, he'd never once managed an in real life relationship of any length at all.)

"Sigh. You're not getting it," is rather patronizing and at least borders on castigating intelligence. We can have a discussion without that sort of implication that maybe some people aren't quite as bright, if they offer a different view. Frankly, I'm even more surprised you would direct such words at TGFT on her own blog. And pretty disappointed to see such things coming from a moderator, even more so.
 
Oh please, there's nothing patronizing about telling someone they're not getting what I am trying to say, if they're not getting it. The responses indicated a big misunderstanding, so obviously I needed to explain what I meant in a better way. And I still feel like I didn'texplain myself well enough.

If only I could describe how excited and happy I was to find that quote, which truly speaks to me!
 
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Nycindie, I think I see what you're saying... But, ok, how do I explain it...

So you walk down a path, appreciate its beauty, enjoy it, and if you don't like where it leads, or it stops being beautiful, you find a new path. But you'd still (I think???) be glad you got to walk down the beautiful path for a while.

Me? I'd be like, fuck, I wasted all that time on that dumb path and it didn't go to where I wanted to end up. I regret taking that path. Sure, it was pretty, but it wasn't productive!

So a lot of the difference is whether you can enjoy the journey even if the destination is unknown. I truly can't. That pretty path? I've meandered down enough of them to know how much I'll beat myself if I don't make it to the end. So now, path to unknown just gives me anxiety. I don't enjoy it. I can't see its beauty.

Give me a map and a compass, though? I'm a happy hiker.
 
Umm, sort of. Yes, the relationship in this moment is the path.

What got me all excited about that quote was not so much the idea of the path, but more about the "beauty" (or joy, satisfaction, nourishment, etc.) - so focusing on translating what the path means, or the concept of a journey, is just taking it a little too literally. Even though it says don't ask where it leads.

To me, in terms of relationships, what it means is - if I'm connecting with someone I love and care about and the experience is beautiful, joyful, utterly profound, or simply lets me feel comfortable in my own skin, then "let me not go up into my head" and start analyzing and worrying about how things will or could turn out. It's about not forsaking and abandoning the wonderfulness and connection in the moment for some mental exercise that will rob me of this moment. If there comes a need to discuss the relationship and make plans, okay, then set aside a time and place to do that. But I don't want fearful thought processes to intrude on the times when it's just about being, living, and enjoying the presence of someone I love. If there is "beauty" there, why waste it with worry? It's also about giving up the need for control or of making sure things are going a certain way. In a lot of ways, that quote speaks to me of trust.

Does that make sense or seem to convey something about non-escalator relationships?
 
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Problem with 'spiritual' principles like Nycindies quote, I think, is that there's never a range of applicability provided ;)

'Rational' people like me (or Whathappened, if I may dare to guess) then go and pick on the cases where it obviously doesn't apply.

To me, the quote does speak. "If the path is beautiful" - that's so important. Look around and notice what you have, what there is. (Which by the way let's you see any red flags too, and not sweep subtle 'this is not right' feelings under the rug.) "let us not ask where it leads." - in my reading, you may release the need to plan everything. I do have that need. And there are situations which just cannot be planned, and if I land in that situation, trying to think it out is of no help. And spoils the moment. It's very relaxing to just stop the heck thinking.
So while a quote can hardly aspire to be the fundamental truth, this principle certainly has situations when it's the first and best choice. Of course it's a good idea to look if there's anything life threatening before applying ;)
 
nycindie said:
To me, in terms of relationships, what it means is - if I'm connecting with someone I love and care about and the experience is beautiful, joyful, utterly profound, or simply lets me feel comfortable in my own skin, then "let me not go up into my head" and start analyzing and worrying about how things will or could turn out. It's about not forsaking and abandoning the wonderfulness and connection in the moment for some mental exercise that will rob me of this moment. If there comes a need to discuss the relationship and make plans, okay, then set aside a time and place to do that. But I don't want fearful thought processes to intrude on the times when it's just about being, living, and enjoying the presence of someone I love. If there is "beauty" there, why waste it with worry? It's also about giving up the need for control or of making sure things are going a certain way. In a lot of ways, that quote speaks to me of trust.
Click to expand...

It does make sense, and it's a lovely thought, and... Yes, that is something I try to do, sometimes, in some parts of my life.

Oddly, when you put it that way, and it's about just being in the moment with someone you love, I think of my husband. Because I CAN do that with him. I don't have fear or stress or a need to control that relationship - I trust that we will always love each other and wherever that leads us will be the right place.

But that makes me feel like I'm still missing the point somehow :confused: because the times I feel "in the moment" like that are with Andy, friends, family - people who aren't going anywhere. Like I can do the "beautiful path" and "life's a journey" and all that IF I have someone with me. I can let the rest of my life be uncharted or a series of joyful moments IF my partner will be there with me for it all.

When there is a sense that a relationship is fleeting, I can't just enjoy it for what it is... Not fully anyway. There's a part of me that's... I was going to say guarded, or held back, but it's not quite that. When I think of times I've been with say, Dag, or a more casual friend, and felt that inability to be in the moment, what I remember is MISSING my people. Longing for Andy, for D, for K. For someone to share that moment with me. It just is only with those super close people that I can really feel ALIVE.

Soooo... I do know the feeling you mean. It's a wonderful feeling. But it's one I get more the closer I am to someone. If I trust that someone will stay in my life, then I can let go of needing to control how it all happens and just enjoy them and love them. But if I'm unsure, my worries about losing the person get in the way of that.
 
Tinwen said:
Problem with 'spiritual' principles like Nycindies quote, I think, is that there's never a range of applicability provided ;)

'Rational' people like me (or Whathappened, if I may dare to guess) then go and pick on the cases where it obviously doesn't apply.
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It's funny to me that you think of that quote and what it means to me as "spiritual" rather than simply poetic or a metaphor, because I am a non-theist and very logical. I consider myself a rationalist/skeptic and do not hold any spiritual beliefs at all. That quote and why it represents how I feel about relationships just seem practical to me. "Enjoy the moment, get out of your head, and stop pretending you can control things." I also think it's about being happy and well inside myself without depending on external circumstances or other people to "make" me happy.

Tinwen said:
To me, the quote does speak. "If the path is beautiful" - that's so important. Look around and notice what you have, what there is. (Which by the way let's you see any red flags too, and not sweep subtle 'this is not right' feelings under the rug.) "let us not ask where it leads." - in my reading, you may release the need to plan everything. I do have that need. And there are situations which just cannot be planned, and if I land in that situation, trying to think it out is of no help. And spoils the moment. It's very relaxing to just stop the heck thinking.
So while a quote can hardly aspire to be the fundamental truth, this principle certainly has situations when it's the first and best choice. Of course it's a good idea to look if there's anything life threatening before applying ;)
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I like how you broke it down.
 
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nycindie said:
It's funny to me that you think of that quote and what it means to me as "spiritual" rather than simply poetic or a metaphor, because I am a non-theist and very logical. I consider myself a rationalist/skeptic and do not hold any spiritual beliefs at all. That quote and why it represents how I feel about relationships just seem practical to me. "Enjoy the moment, get out of your head, and stop pretending you can control things." I also think it's about being happy and well inside myself without depending on external circumstances or other people to "make" me happy.
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Oh, actually, this is what *I* came to call spiritual in the last year or so, influenced by tantra and a little buddhism and some questionable new age ideas O:) . I've been a sceptic for my whole life, but I reconsider now, because I'm finding that rationalism is not enough to grasp the riches of the human psychology and experience, and some of the concept I would reject previously are in fact useful guidelines in the realm of the mind.
For me the spiritual journey is all about 'becoming happy and well inside myself without depending on external circumstances' + living up to my ideals + a few experiences out of the ordinary.
I like how you broke it down.
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Thank you :)

edit: Also, the whole "being in the moment" is so central to those old eastern philosophies... meditation and stuff...
 
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Tinwen said:
Oh, actually, this is what *I* came to call spiritual in the last year or so, influenced by tantra and a little buddhism and some questionable new age ideas O:)
Click to expand...

It struck me as spiritual, too... Not in a religious way, but in a new-age-y kind of way.

nycindie said:
To me, in terms of relationships, what it means is - if I'm connecting with someone I love and care about and the experience is beautiful, joyful, utterly profound, or simply lets me feel comfortable in my own skin ,then "let me not go up into my head" and start analyzing and worrying about how things will or could turn out.
Click to expand...

A little more awake now ;) so I bolded something you said that really made me think.

Maybe the big issue for me isn't really that I can't let myself enjoy things for what they are, or without knowing where they'll lead. It's that I rarely feel like I'm experiencing something beautiful, joyful, or profound when I'm with Dag :cool: The only thing that feels that way is the sex. During which I do let myself just BE, and it's amazing.

And I almost never feel comfortable in my own skin around him. which is really sad.

So I don't know if that quote would resonate more re non escalator romance if I did feel those things. Maybe it would, the way it resonates when I think of my time with K and R.
 
In more mundane news...

Andy and I skipped the lake this weekend and spent it hanging with K and R. K is having a lot of kid stress - teenage boys are not easy. So we drank way too much and ate way too much and it was awesome.

Dag canceled our mid week get away because of work. Ok, I get it, it's work, not much he can do. Just sucks.

I keep thinking of the advice "don't make someone a priority who treats you as an option." That's how this feels. Not that I'm an option in the sense of being one of many girlfriends... But that for him, seeing me is ~optional~. Ugh.

ETA: pics!!!
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3411

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3410
 
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I broke up with Dag.

It hurts. It hurts more because I thought he'd have been half expecting it, and he wasn't. So I feel like a horrible person.

Andy made me frozen pizza and strawberry margaritas, and babysat the furry monsters (aka dogs) while I spent an hour talking to Dag.

And then Dag had to go because his wife was coming home and ... yeah. Story of my life for the past 20 months. No longer.

I feel like a complete failure.
 
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))​

I am so sorry it came to that. Endings suck so much when it happens with people you really love!
 
You have realised that, even if you love him, your lives are not compatible right now. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I think you are strong for finally admitting that this relationship is not making you happy. It's sad, it's unfortunate, it hurts but it's not a failure.
 
((((((HUGS)))))))

You are NOT a horrible person, nor a failure! I don't know how you could possibly feel like a failure!

You are taking care of YOU, plain and simple, and there is nothing wrong with that.

It's okay to step away from a relationship that doesn't give you what you want, even if you love and care for that person. There just wasn't a whole lot of compatibility there nor meeting eye to eye, so you did what you felt you needed to do.

I'm sorry it hurts so much right now, but I that that pretty soon, you will start feeling better about it.
 
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Thanks for the hugs. I need them.

I hope we can stay friends. I don't care about him any less than I did when I was still trying to make it work. I love him to pieces.

I just can't be his girlfriend right now. It's been 6 months of angst and tears. I'm exhausted.

But I feel like I blindsided him, and I feel bad about that. I didn't do the best job of telling him what I needed. I'll own that. I tried, but... My hang ups and issues got in the way. Some of the things he said tonight, how hurt he was, it just broke my heart. He's such an incredible person and I wish I could make him understand this isn't his fault. It's not anybody's fault.
 
You are not a failure. Not by any use of the word. You did all you could and communicated honestly.
Let Andy indulge you with all flavors of margaritas.
You are worth it and all kinds of other good things.
 
Oh Claire. I am so sorry it didn't work out.

You are NOT a failure. I hope you come to realise that. You tried! You did the best you could to make this relationship fit with your values.

The fact remains that he didn't have the qualities you need in a relationship. You have every right to your NEEDS. He has every right to not deliver what you need too. That is the definition of incompatibility.

The sex was stellar. If the sex had been meh, this wouldn't have lasted as long.

I wish you healing. It's yucky to miss him, but more yucky to have stayed with him. Now you can, and will, eventually move on to something healthier for you.

If he was truly blindsided, it just shows how low his emotional quotient was. It is not a reflection on you. At all. You may have not showed your discontent as forcefully as you could have, but you did show it, and tell him about it, in many ways.
 
Last night Dag kept apologizing over and over for canceling our day this week, saying he felt like that was the final straw and the reason I ended things.

I just kept repeating that it wasn't any one thing, it was simply us needing different things in a relationship right now.

But there was a "final straw". Isn't there always? I'm not going to tell him, because there's no point. Would be unnecessarily hurtful. I'll say it here, though.

I'm sure everyone who reads this remembers how hurt I was that he didn't do anything for my birthday. The few times I've brought it up - mentioning "not celebrating birthdays and holidays as one of the reasons I feel unimportant - he's insisted that his family just doesn't make a big deal of them.

Last week was his wife's birthday. He sent me pics of him out shopping with the kids, pics of them all out at her birthday dinner. It was just salt in a wound. And somehow even worse because he didn't realize it.

I dreamed about Dag all night. Woke up crying and missing him. But it was the right decision.
 
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