Online dating blows

[Belladonna]

Very solid choice ...I've owned several German cars. When you said little beach car I was in that that over all family ....KARMIN GIA ... Or VW thing ...or convertible bug

Thank you. It is perfect for the beach. Leather, mud mats, and a sun roof.

 

[Spork]

What a great conversation going on here! Very illuminating.

This newish term of calling life events "drama" has always seemed belittling to me. As if life should be a calm pool, or a bowl of oatmeal, nothing much going on. And if you have any conflict or anger or stress or differences of opinions or even bad health, you're doing life wrong.

Personally, when we have physical, or more importantly, psychic pain, that is just normal life. And my attitude is, we have a problem, we need a solution.

And the way people find solutions to their problems is where we get to be creative, supportive, brilliant and even heroic. Conflict resolution is an art. Conflict avoidance is cowardly.

I agree with this, as I have heard people call things "drama" dismissively and almost demeaningly in ways I didn't agree with. I don't feel that the life stories we live, with their ups and downs, whether one is an introvert who talks to almost no one, or an extrovert with a cast of characters in the hundreds (raises hand) who knows a bit of life story for each of them...I don't feel that's really "drama."

Much of "drama" (the bad kind) for me, is a person who lives in a state of constant crisis because they make bad choices and don't hold themselves accountable for them. They can rant and rave and tell you why everything is someone else's fault, their every reaction to every thing is over the top, they don't have much control over displays of high emotion.

I had a coworker who upon short acquaintance, told me about how her mother was a schizophrenic and drug addict who came and went from her life, how she was a former cocaine and meth addict, how her boyfriend is on probation and can't get a driver's license, how her boyfriend's brother has moved in and won't get a job...and she would get emotionally overwhelmed at work almost daily and break down in crying fits at her desk. Occasionally slam objects on the desk surface.

So for me...drama just means someone who probably generates more crisis and stress than I have the resources to cope with, via questionable life choices and behaviors. Not someone who is dealing with hard stuff but has the mental and emotional resources to manage it themselves and is likely to reach a better place in time, but someone who is probably going to keep right on having great big problems unless they get professional help maybe.

But the point was, when I see it in dating profiles, as I said, I question if this person is tired of drama because they've experienced a lot of it, and if so, whether they've drawn it in (and will likely continue to) even though they don't think that is the case. Honestly it can be hard to tell sometimes.

 

[IndieSolo]

This newish term of calling life events "drama" has always seemed belittling to me. As if life should be a calm pool, or a bowl of oatmeal, nothing much going on. And if you have any conflict or anger or stress or differences of opinions or even bad health, you're doing life wrong.

. . . And the way people find solutions to their problems is where we get to be creative, supportive, brilliant and even heroic. Conflict resolution is an art. Conflict avoidance is cowardly.

I agree with this, as I have heard people call things "drama" dismissively and almost demeaningly in ways I didn't agree with. I don't feel that the life stories we live, with their ups and downs, whether one is an introvert who talks to almost no one, or an extrovert with a cast of characters in the hundreds (raises hand) who knows a bit of life story for each of them...I don't feel that's really "drama."

Much of "drama" (the bad kind) for me, is a person who lives in a state of constant crisis because they make bad choices and don't hold themselves accountable for them.

Hahaha!! I've had a lot of drama in my life recently, but only once piece of it was due to a choice I made.

I got into a car accident during my vacation (lucky to be alive);
My good, dear friend who was going to move in with me at the end of this month suddenly died;
After returning home from vacation, my boss announced that my location would close and there is no other management position for me, so I am now unemployed;
My bathroom ceiling came crashing down due to a bad leak from faulty renovations to the apartment above me.

All this in the span of a month (and I have a feeling there is something else I am forgetting). And while starting a new relationship with someone! These are conflicts and crises I have to deal with, and some of them quite dramatic ones. But I am rolling with it all. So, yeah, drama in my life for sure. Bad choices and whining, not so much. But probably if I were starting to talk to someone on OKC who had that "no drama" warning (or "no baggage" - another pet peeve of mine) on his profile, and I told him what I was dealing with right now, he'd high-tail it the hell away from me, and I guess that would just tell me he's... not living up to being a grown-up, nor willing to stand by someone who is simply dealing with some hard twists and turns of life.

 

[Spork]

Yeah the word, "baggage" upsets me a little, too used in some contexts.

The way I'm ok with: Using it to refer to mental programming or damage in your mind from your past, even from childhood, the stuff we work on discovering and analyzing and fixing if necessary...I sometimes say, "I've stowed that baggage" and that is what I mean.

The way I am NOT ok with: Remnants of a person's life lived to this point, their actual history, such as exes, and kids. Anyone who expects page one of my story to be the day they met me, and nothing of consequence before that...or thinks of my children as something my tired ass just lugs around like a dusty old suitcase...that person can fuck right off!

@nycindie: I don't consider that stuff to really be "drama"...it's more, what is your attitude in dealing with it? and is it a longterm constant thing? that I look at. I've met people I've known for years, and every time I talk to them, they have a list of woes and problems to recite for me, and that is IT and it's ALWAYS. Or they have HUGE problems and are forever asking everyone around them to help (I have a friend who is always posting gofundme pages for their issues, at least once every few months.) And I have known people who have serious challenges, like major health problems, ongoing poverty, handicapped dependents to care for...who nevertheless have a reasonably positive outlook on life, and work hard to step up to their challenges and overcome them. So "drama" or just "life"...it's kind of about whether we let these things define us or not. But that's just my opinion. I love people. It's very hard to push me away, takes pretty much a barrage of constant negativity. I know people whose social thresholds are much more limited and they see "other people's stuff" of any kind to be "drama."

 

[Belladonna]

Question on online dating?

I get asked a lot what I am looking for.
How best to answer that when I'm not really sure. I mean if I find a guy and hit it off and it grows naturally into a boyfriend situation that would be great but I do not like to force things. Most of my prior relationship just happened without being asked what the other wanted before hand.

 

[Bluebird]

Well, considering that not being specific pretty much ruined large portions of my life this past year, I strongly endorse taking time to word things carefully.

Initially, last August, I was very unsure what I wanted, as I was emotionally really happy with my two husbands. I wasn't trying to catch em all and so I scoffed at the idea of having a third primary. I was ok with having a fuck buddy or friends with benefits situation. However, upon having a good few dates with my ex-boyfriend, I told him I would welcome a boyfriend situation. He jumped at that and then immediately started pressing for full primary status. This sent my husband PunkRock into a downward spiral which we were able to heal with lots of communication, reassurance and therapy. As the year progressed, things fell apart due to my ex's mental health issues and his general inability to function in a polyamorous relationship.

In retrospect, our relationship probably would have been more successful had I definied very specific terms at the beginning. I always subscribed to the idea that it was better to be fluid and organic when it came to my relationships, but since I already have two primaries, that is sort of foolish thinking. I think it is good, moving forward, to be flexible in my openness and thoughts of the future, but I will not ever again allow myself to become attached to someone who asks for the moon but has zero experience with flying a spaceship.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Question on online dating?

I get asked a lot what I am looking for.
How best to answer that when I'm not really sure? I mean if I find a guy and hit it off and it grows naturally into a boyfriend situation that would be great but I do not like to force things. Most of my prior relationship just happened without being asked what the other wanted beforehand.

Never having been on OKCupid, I don't know if they have a standard questionaire as well as a space to write something original. I once used another dating site where this question was part of that [standard questionaire* (with multiple choice answers)]. You could opt not to answer, or tick as many of the answers as you want: anything from "pen pals" and "friends" through "flirting" and "just sex" to "LTR" and "marriage". One of the options was "Let's see how it goes". This seems to be your choice, but you should specify some parametres, eg. "No emotionless sex", "Let's take it slowly"...

Since you write "I get asked a lot what I am looking for", I assume that you're asked this by guys [and gals?] who have seen your profile and got in touch.

Once you've binned the wackos and repulsive types (though people who ask this question aren't very likely to be either), why don't you send them that message in the quote above? (n.b. I've corrected "before hand" to "beforehand".) Concise, open to further interchange, honest. You could add details of what you don't want.

Any help?

* Used to computer-evaluate compatability. You could also rate the importance of your choices from "not important" and "mild preference" to "essential", so that, e.g., you could set "wants to have children" as "essential", which would give you a 0% compatability rating with anyone who had ticked "no", "maybe", or "wait and see".

More pertinent to your case: You could tick every answer but "just sex" in the 1st Q I mentioned, tick "essential"... and that would weed out anybody who included that as one of their options.

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . I will not ever again allow myself to become attached to someone who asks for the moon but has zero experience with flying a spaceship.

LOL! Brilliant way of putting it! Good to see that, despite the shitty breakup, your sense of humor is very much intact!

 

[Bluebird]

Haha! After I wrote that line, I copied and pasted it onto my Facebook page. lol I will prolly copy it into my journal too - I like it that much.

 

[Jeanette]

online dating

I honestly hate online dating. The last guy who contacted me said he was poly and when he asked what I wanted he freaked out. I told him he was wasting his time with me. He tried to get me to continue talking with him and told me he was on the east coast. Great I'm on the west coast and there wasn't any way we could get together. I'm really tired of guys trying to get me to move closer to them.

 

[Belladonna]

I honestly hate online dating. The last guy who contacted me said he was poly and when he asked what I wanted he freaked out. I told him he was wasting his time with me. He tried to get me to continue talking with him and told me he was on the east coast. Great I'm on the west coast and there wasn't any way we could get together. I'm really tired of guys trying to get me to move closer to them.

Online dating is hard. Heck I think dating in general is hard. But I am also socially awkward. That doesn't help matters. I don't respond if they are not in California. I did the long distance thing and although it was great I'm not looking to do it again.

 

[Belladonna]

Never having been on OKCupid, I don't know if they have a standard questionaire as well as a space to write something original. I once used another dating site where this question was part of that [standard questionaire* (with multiple choice answers)]. You could opt not to answer, or tick as many of the answers as you want: anything from "pen pals" and "friends" through "flirting" and "just sex" to "LTR" and "marriage". One of the options was "Let's see how it goes". This seems to be your choice, but you should specify some parametres, eg. "No emotionless sex", "Let's take it slowly"...

Since you write "I get asked a lot what I am looking for", I assume that you're asked this by guys [and gals?] who have seen your profile and got in touch.

Once you've binned the wackos and repulsive types (though people who ask this question aren't very likely to be either), why don't you send them that message in the quote above? (n.b. I've corrected "before hand" to "beforehand".) Concise, open to further interchange, honest. You could add details of what you don't want.

Any help?

* Used to computer-evaluate compatability. You could also rate the importance of your choices from "not important" and "mild preference" to "essential", so that, e.g., you could set "wants to have children" as "essential", which would give you a 0% compatability rating with anyone who had ticked "no", "maybe", or "wait and see".

More pertinent to your case: You could tick every answer but "just sex" in the 1st Q I mentioned, tick "essential"... and that would weed out anybody who included that as one of their options.

Thanks for the advise. I do reply to guys who have a high percent as me. I at times have a hard time expressing my wants. I guess that comes from years of things in my life always changing (I have been with my company for 3 years and have been moved jobs 5 times) so I tend to take things in life as they come. That doesn't mean I don't want things I just have a harder time expressing that.

 

[Belladonna]

Well, considering that not being specific pretty much ruined large portions of my life this past year, I strongly endorse taking time to word things carefully.

Initially, last August, I was very unsure what I wanted, as I was emotionally really happy with my two husbands. I wasn't trying to catch em all and so I scoffed at the idea of having a third primary. I was ok with having a fuck buddy or friends with benefits situation. However, upon having a good few dates with my ex-boyfriend, I told him I would welcome a boyfriend situation. He jumped at that and then immediately started pressing for full primary status. This sent my husband PunkRock into a downward spiral which we were able to heal with lots of communication, reassurance and therapy. As the year progressed, things fell apart due to my ex's mental health issues and his general inability to function in a polyamorous relationship.

In retrospect, our relationship probably would have been more successful had I definied very specific terms at the beginning. I always subscribed to the idea that it was better to be fluid and organic when it came to my relationships, but since I already have two primaries, that is sort of foolish thinking. I think it is good, moving forward, to be flexible in my openness and thoughts of the future, but I will not ever again allow myself to become attached to someone who asks for the moon but has zero experience with flying a spaceship.

I am so sorry what happened.

You are right being specific is a good idea. The only things I know for sure is I don't want any more children. I don't want a husband, the only think my husband and I share is our children and a bed. Everything else is separate. I am super independent and like it that way.

 

[Jeanette]

online dating

I have found online dating to be most difficult. It truly serves very little purpose. If in time you can't actually meet the person then why bother. The purpose is to meet and create a family or some kind of relationship. Talking online is not a relationship.

 

[Emm]

I'm not sure what you mean. Generally the online conversation is a prelude to meeting in person (and an attempt to weed out the mad axe murderers before doing so). Do you not physically meet the people you "date" online?

 

[FallenAngelina]

I have found online dating to be most difficult. It truly serves very little purpose.

Online dating is whatever you bring to it. There's a vast source of love in online dating, for "online dating" is nothing but a huge pool of people. Online dating has a very specific and wonderful purpose and that is to meet people. Who you meet, how you meet, whether you meet - that is all up to you and what you bring to the experience.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I don't respond if they are not in California. I did the long distance thing and although it was great I'm not looking to do it again.

Make sure this is on your profile page. It's important information and definitely part of what you're looking for. Even California is likely too big of a geographical region if you want an everyday BF-ish relationship. A lot of people state that they are looking to date locally and give a driving distance of an hour or so as their limit. You make the call, but be as specific as you can about what "long distance" and "acceptable distance" mean to you.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have found online dating to be most difficult. It truly serves very little purpose. If in time you can't actually meet the person then why bother. The purpose is to meet and create a family or some kind of relationship. Talking online is not a relationship.

I'm not sure what you mean. Generally the online conversation is a prelude to meeting in person (and an attempt to weed out the mad axe murderers before doing so). Do you not physically meet the people you "date" online?

For me, OKC is a "DATING site." For many men, it's a "get a female, any female, to talk to me, and try and turn the convo to sex so I can have wank fodder."

I'd say, for me at least, I get contacted by wankers 90% of the time, from all over the US and the world. If they aren't local, obviously they don't want to meet and actually date and get laid.

So, actually finding someone to date is HARD. It takes time and energy and commitment. It's work. When my bf recently downgraded us to "just friends" because of a personal life crisis, one of my first thoughts was, Oh god, back to work.

 

[Bluebird]

So, actually finding someone to date is HARD. It takes time and energy and commitment. It's work. When my bf recently downgraded us to "just friends" because of a personal life crisis, one of my first thoughts was, Oh god, back to work.

Amen sister! The thought of looking for a new partner - ugh, it's just so exhausting.

 

[SnC]

For me, OKC is a "DATING site." For many men, it's a "get a female, any female, to talk to me, and try and turn the convo to sex so I can have wank fodder."

I've several female friends who have tried dating online, and they've run into exactly this sort of thing as the norm, rather than the exception. I keep trying to cheer them up, saying such men save them time by letting them know they are definitely not worth it.

It's sad, but I think true, that the vast majority of men "available" through online dating are just awful. But, it's doable. It does take a lot of work though. As a male myself, it really depresses me that so many of my sex fail so miserably at simply being...human.