Mono in a poly/mono relationship and in serious agony

J

jsone

New member
Last week my wife who I have been with for 17 years told me that she had a strong connection with another man and that she wanted to pursue that while also being with me. At the time I didn't even know what poly or poly amorous was but she forwarded me some articles. After researching it there is no doubt in my mind that she is truly poly.

Ever since then it has been clear that she has to pursue this as her happiness and being true to herself means everything to me. She has been so incredible trying to meet my needs and communicating openly and honestly about the experience. Every time I talk with her I feel better but the problem is I can't be with her the entire day everyday. Anytime we are not talking about it I am in constant agony. I try to deal with it in very healthy ways. I continue to do lots of research to understand the lifestyle better. Through benefits at work I am able to setup a couple appointments with a psychologist but all of this is only temporarily helping. I am still in agony 10+ hours a day. I believe I am strong but this is bringing me to my limits.

Last night has been the worst day so far. The crushing reality of our new lifestyle was finally starting to set in. We have two kids so time together/alone is a premium. Last night was one of those opportunities but I couldn't see her as she was with the other guy. I was the one that urged that this had to happen as I felt it necessary to face the reality of this new lifestyle. It started out pretty well and after doing research about how to make poly/mono relationships work I was feeling confident we could do this. She ended up staying out a couple hours later than I thought and then I felt a massive rush of insecurities and depression. While I didn't want to out of respect for the new lifestyle I texted her asking her to come home which she did. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't support the woman I love in a lifestyle she needs.

I don't resent my wife at all. I still think she is amazing and probably love her more now than I did before. Everything I read tells me that I need to be patient as I will get used to it after awhile. I think all of my agony is coming from an emotional expectation that she should only be with me. I clearly say emotional because I easily accept the logic of how important this lifestyle is to her. Unfortunately my mind and heart are at very opposite ends of the spectrum on this one. I don't mean to be over dramatic but this is tearing me apart. I just hope I am strong enough to take it.

I really want advice or thoughts from someone who has gone through this or is going through this.

Thanks,
Jsone
 
My advice is that your wife needs to slow down! She has obviously been thinking about this for a while, yet you were blindsided last week! She shouldn't be dating someone already. Hopefully the counseling helps, but she really needs to wait on things until you can feel more settled about this. Some couples wait months, some YEARS, before opening their relationship. One week is crazypants, if one of you is hesitant.
 
Best thing I can suggest is to ask her to slow down some. You seem like you are trying to support her in this. least she can do is give you some time to get used to it, and work a little slower at it. after 17 years with you 2 months going slow should be reasonable.
 
One week! Of course you are in agony! I wonder you are so sure she is polyamorous in such a short time, let alone that you should be totally cool with it. How many major life changing decisions have you made in your life that you only had a week to think about? You are pushing yourself and perhaps her awfully hard. Is she really ready herself? I wonder because staying out 2-hours past the time agreed is odd for a first date when someone is waiting for you. If you have been reading up on polyamory you know that you should be sitting yourself down to think what you need to be satisfied in the relationship and in what ways your marriage "contract" agreements need to be set up to accomodate both partners needs. I suspect you could both use a breather for a while, at least some weeks(months?) to come up with a reasonable plan for trying this out.

If you read around in the forums you will find any number of men and women who have been where you are. Some found poly could work for them, some could not be happy with a polyamorous spouse.

If you have been at all hiding your pain from her I would suggest you stop so that she can make her choices with full knowledge of the situation

Be compassionate with yourself first, then you can be compassionate with her.

Leetah
 
In addition to what has been said, i think
1) You could make clearer agreements - if you're insecure when you wait for her, she could tell you exactly when she intends to come home and stick to it
2) You two should find a way how to make more time for the two of you, so her dating doesn't take from your already scarce alone time. If you need more alone time with her, of course you will be envious of her dates. That's just how things work. By all means find time to do exciting things with her as well.
3) You are not a failure, for sure. You're actually being amazing in wanting to support her so much. But her lifestyle choice, although you can turn it into a good thing over time, is a loss for you. Take time to grieve.
I wish you good luck.
 
I agree with Bluebird that this is going waaaaaaaay too fast. She told you about this other guy last week, is dating him this week and coming home over two hours late? You're a good man to educate yourself and support her happiness, but your wife has an awful lot of learning to do as well.
 
Hi jsone,

It strikes me that since your time alone with your wife is at a premium (due to the two kids), you should be taking those rare opportunities and not using them on her dates with the other man. At least that's my opinion. I suggest you sit down with her and talk about this.

I also suggest the two of you agree that when your wife does date the other man, that she will return on time if not sooner; certainly not two hours later. You should not have to text her to ask her to come home; she should do that on her own and you should be able to depend on her to do it.

There is a good chance that you will get used to poly, and not be in agony 10+ hours/day, but there is also a chance that you are hardwired for exclusive monogamy and can't get used to polyamory. I suggest setting a timetable for what seems reasonable to you as an amount of time to wait before things start getting better. If things don't start getting better by the end of that timetable, then you need to have a weighty discussion with your wife about whether she can give polyamory up, and if she can't, whether the two of you can stay together. Not a happy thought but a necessary part of the process.

Hopefully things will work out well for both of you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much! It feels great to get some feedback.

One thing we agreed on right away was the need to structure the visits with the other man in the beginning. Last night could have been very positive but when it became unexpected it really threw a delicate situation for a loop.

My wife agrees that she does have some learning. This is very new to both of us but please trust me when I say she has been incredible. She really has adapted her personality to make this successful. She doesn't like to open up and talk about her feelings but she is doing it in spades knowing how important it is. One person commented that she has been looking into this for a while but even if that was so, doing it in practice appears to be very difficult.

There was a common theme about slowing down which was great but I also have a really hard time with the anticipation. It feels great every time a milestone is reached. Dragging that out could be just as hard on me. I agree I am pushing myself very hard but I believe that this is going to lead to something amazing. I am not hesitant about doing it but more trying to understand the best path to making this easier which you guys have helped tremendously.

@Leetah - Your comments were great. I don't think I gave the context properly. We failed to truly structure her time with the other man. I made an assumption about what time she would be back which is a mistake as I mentioned earlier that won't happen again. I know it is presumptuous of me after not even knowing what poly was a week ago to be able to definitively say she is but I stand by what I said. Being with her for 17 years I could always tell that something was missing. It would often cause some conflict but because she didn't know what it was how could she communicate it. When she brought it up and for the first time seeing a more complete version of my wife and also from reading up on it, it truly feels like the missing puzzle piece that we have been looking for.

I really feel like we can be successful. I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything and that it is as kdt26417 said it feels like hardwiring. I feel frustrated that this hardwiring is allowed to happen. We should provide education on the possible lifestyles and no bias to which is right. Had that been done with me I think this would have been easier. How easier who knows.

I draw a lot of strength from my love for my wife. I quickly got into this lifestyle because I was arrogant that it would be enough to handle anything. The terrifying thing is for the first time I don't think it is enough but I am so glad that it doesn't have to be. Thanks to places like this and surrounding myself with the right people I believe this will work and I can't wait for the new quality of our relationship when it does.

I hope we can keep this conversation going as I feel really good and unfortunately I am sure new lows are just around the corner.
 
Have you read More Than Two? I would definitely recommend that you and your wife read it chapter by chapter and answer the questions and compare your answers as you move through the book. I think it could only help!
 
As a mono, I know the feeling of agony well. I also understand how dragging out the talks could lead to further agony. But after reading your words, you're already in a fair amount of strife, so in my opinion, it should at least come with the backstop & "comfort" that there haven't been any actions that cross the point of no return.

Like the others have said, a week is very fast to go from thought to action on something so big. I think most people take more time when deciding on what kind of car to purchase. There is nothing wrong with taking the time necessary in order to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable, and truly happy with the agreement(s). And yes, your happiness is just as important as hers.

And I may get some flack from others here, but I think that describing it as a "need" is a bit of an exaggeration. It may come with a strong desire, there may be an urge, but a "need" is - in my book - something that comes down to life & death. Food, water, oxygen are needs. Love, sex, relationships may be important, and I think it's obvious that the right ones can improve the quality of life... But that's not quite what a need is.
 
I think when people are saying "need" in this context it is short for "need in order to feel content/fulfilled/whole". An emotional need rather than a physical need. After all, even sex is not a physical need but most people would say they need it in a romantic relationship.

Leetah
 
I view my sexuality as much more than an "urge." It is the heartbeat of my life. I know that authentic expression of my sexual energy is vital because I lived without it for many years and I know that when my sexuality is compromised and suppressed, every other aspect of me is diminished. Sexual energy is life. There's a reason that we're all so very focused on it. So honoring one's sexuality is indeed essential in order to thrive.

That said, I don't subscribe to the "hardwired" theory of polyamory vs. monogamy. I don't see any need for someone to declare themselves "truly poly" or anything else. What's important is to know what is right for you today and to honor Love, when you're lucky enough for it to come to you.
 
I wasn't looking to pick a fight or anything. It's not that I don't see the value in sex. I don't know, maybe it's just the way I was brought up. My parents were huge on discerning wants vs. needs. And to me, it's always held this internal definition of something we would literally, not merely emotionally or spiritually die without.

And no, I don't subscribe to the hardwired concept either. In fact, I think whether mono or poly, there's much more nobility in recognizing it as something one chooses to fit their happiness. Whenever I hear people refer to it as something they're born with, or attribute it to nature & DNA, there's almost a tone of shame in there. Someone saying "this is what I choose for myself because it's what makes me happy", is much more positive than "I can't help it, it's who I am"... Which I hear A LOT.

But knowing my backstory (which we need not go into here), I guess I've just lost interest in sex, and see little value to it anymore.
 
Bluebird said:
Have you read More Than Two? I would definitely recommend that you and your wife read it chapter by chapter and answer the questions and compare your answers as you move through the book. I think it could only help!
Click to expand...


Hear, hear! This book is an AMAZING resource, as is the website of the same name if you can't get the book.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Oh, I wasn't meaning to "fight" with you, CTF. You're interesting to talk with and it's an interesting topic to me. :)
Click to expand...

I know you weren't trying to "fight"... I was just being a little colorful. You're right, it is a fascinating topic. And there are passionate points of view from all across the spectrum.
 
I bought the book and started reading it. It has been amazing so far. I am definitely feeling better than the last 4 or 5 days. Thanks for recommending it! It is very interesting that even though I am a mono the lifestyle as it is described in the book is very natural to me. Even before any of this happened I was very frustrated by social norms and the pressure/expectation to do things in a certain way.

Things are starting to click better but the highs and lows are very draining trying to figure this out. It seems like every time I feel like we reached a huge milestone as we understand our relationship that much better something else comes up that needs to be discussed which brings us right back down.
 
jsone said:
Things are starting to click better but the highs and lows are very draining trying to figure this out. It seems like every time I feel like we reached a huge milestone as we understand our relationship that much better something else comes up that needs to be discussed which brings us right back down.
Click to expand...

Someone here told me it takes about 3 years to really settle down into it. First year "forming", second year "storming", third year "norming". And (as I'm in the third year now) I have to say that has held very true for us.
 
A2Poly said:
Someone here told me it takes about 3 years to really settle down into it. First year "forming", second year "storming", third year "norming". And (as I'm in the third year now) I have to say that has held very true for us.
Click to expand...

Five years here, and pretty much "this" (although I think my first year was forming AND storming - Gah!).

It takes time, and it DOES feel like you're rehashing the same material over and over (and over (and over)) sometimes. For me, it was a side-effect of peeling the onion. I'd understand some piece of an emotional speedbump, we'd deal with it, and then I'd hit the same speedbump again, sometimes harder, and have to dig deeper to figure out what caused it THIS time.

Five years later, I recognize where most of the speedbumps are at this point, and I'm rarely surprised by them, even when they do show up. We've smoothed out most of them, however, and I've accepted those that remain as probably *always* remaining. And so has my partner. :)
 
Is your wife having sex with this guy already?? Have you discussed safer sex protocols and how often you all will get tested for STIs? Will you need to see a printout of his report? Will she need some time after a date with him in order to transition back to you? Have you discussed budgeting money for her dating? Do you take her out on dates annd romance her, too? Have you figured out how to manage your calendar and other obligations? Do you hope to meet the man she's dating, your metamour? Are public displays of affection when she's out with him okay with you?

The above is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the stuff that needs addressing, if she would slow it down enough for you to talk some more!
 
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