Mono in a poly/mono relationship and in serious agony

[jsone]

Its painful to think that this will take years to get through. Right now every week has been extremely difficult to deal with. There also is no end to the new information whether that comes from books, understanding nuances in our own relationship and even learning about my wife's other relationship.

The newest thing for me today is that this is the first time I have started to have doubts about whether she and even the other guy is poly. I am learning so much out of this lifestyle and how important it is to be upfront with your needs (applies to my wife as well). I think what is scary today is that what she needs from me is to be ok with it so she doesn't feel guilty about pursuing it. From what I have read and in talking to you guys I have realised that isn't poly (of course it is some small part but not all). What I have realised about myself through this experience is that it is possible for me to be ok and even thrive in it but if it comes from a healthy place.

As mentioned I am really starting to question if he is poly too. This is new to my wife but not for him (as far as I am aware). Just from seeing your reactions and the reading it begs the question how supportive is he of my wife and her relationship with me? If he is true to this lifestyle wouldn't he be saying things like "ok I know your husband says he is ready but he likely can't be. It has only been 1 week.". When I ask my wife about conversations they have they barely discuss how my wife and I are doing. I think of being in his shoes and if he really wanted a relationship with my wife wouldn't he care about knowing my wife and I's relationship will be stable and support her and him together.

Thanks again for your comments as they really help. Please provide feedback if you can.

 

[vinsanity0]

Personally, I don't require my partners to keep me informed of how they are doing with other partners. I'm fine with knowing about things after they happen. If they want to talk about it, that's fine too. Different things work for different people. That means there is not "one true way". It's your wife's job to balance the two relationships, not yours or his.

As far as time periods, my wife and I formed, stormed, and normed within the first year. It took a lot of talking through it. And we were both wired for poly.

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

I am concerned you are going at breakneck speed and might crash and burn. I keep wanting to say "Where's the fire?"

I could be wrong. But I get the feeling that you don't enjoy feeling yucky. So maybe you are trying to rush through all this so you don't have to feel anything yucky at all or for too long. You can just arrive at "There. We are poly now, everything is great" without having to spend time thinking things out and doing the work of transition.

Or maybe you are trying to be "Superman" so Wife is impressed with you and will value you for being so Superman and thus re-secure your relationship with her even as she dates Dude? Cuz he might be the New Shiny, but you... you are Superman.

Is anything like that going on here?

I was the one that urged that this had to happen as I felt it necessary to face the reality of this new lifestyle. It started out pretty well and after doing research about how to make poly/mono relationships work I was feeling confident we could do this.

Does that mean you are pushing her to fuck him? So you can "get it over with?"

10/02 -- After researching it there is no doubt in my mind that she is truly poly.

10/08 -- I have started to have doubts about whether she and even the other guy is poly. I think what is scary today is that what she needs from me is to be ok with it so she doesn't feel guilty about pursuing it.

It is possible she is poly, but has concerns about ALL her partners weathering transition time well. Especially if this is her first time being the hinge, she's got a learning curve too.

You are up and down. You are not giving yourself any time to digest or reflect. Like you are overeating and soon you might vomit. Only this is emotional, so maybe soon you will have a nervous breakdown from stress.

I urge you to SLOW THIS DOWN. Ask her to keep it to coffee and movie dates and similar with the new dude. Not rush into overnights or sex share.

She's got a crush on Dude. That's nice, but that doesn't mean he's a long haul runner. Spending time to get to know him and his character better first could be a better approach for her (so she doesn't get burned by a dud) and for you (so you aren't having so much stress trying to adjust to so many things at once) and for him (so he know you are not crazy people either.)

Spend time doing your own dates with your wife. And other time talking things out and reading. But more SLOWLY with time to soak it in.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

I think of being in his shoes and if he really wanted a relationship with my wife wouldn't he care about knowing my wife and I's relationship will be stable and support her and him together.

Maybe. Maybe not. He may want to know calendar info, and eventually sex health info, and that there's no big drama on the other side of the V, but he might not care to know details beyond that because he wants to practice a very "Separate V." If you are wanting to practice a different model like "kitchen table poly" or something? You cannot assume everyone wants to practice the same model you do. You actually have to ask and find out people's preferences.

If he is true to this lifestyle wouldn't he be saying things like "ok I know your husband says he is ready but he likely can't be. It has only been 1 week.".

I wonder if you are asking YOURSELF the same thing. Your well-being is your responsibility to attend to. Are you looking out for it?

What I have realised about myself through this experience is that it is possible for me to be ok and even thrive in it but if it comes from a healthy place.

I wonder if you are asking yourself -- "What do I need to have happen so this is all coming from a healthy place?

What behavior could I do/avoid doing?
What behavior could I ask wife to do/avoid doing? "

I assume she would be doing her own process and asking you things or BF things. But right now, it's about your end of it... so again. I urge you to slow it down and stop going at it all whirlwind. That is something you could avoid doing.

Right now every week has been extremely difficult to deal with. There also is no end to the new information whether that comes from books, understanding nuances in our own relationship and even learning about my wife's other relationship.

Who is the one overinundating you with data? Sounds like you. Could slow it down some so the weeks are not extremely difficult to deal with.

You are thinking about serious changes. And changes are not always comfortable. But rather than going breakneck speed and aiming for "crazy uncomfortable" you could dial it down some, and aim for "comfortably uncomfortable." Figure out your "digestion rate" and then stick to that so your learning/transition time isn't so burdensome.

Do take some time to work on this on your own and with wife. But remember your life cannot be all about "processing poly stuff" 24/7. You sound pretty overwhelmed as it is.

Remember to do normal stuff too. Take your wife out to dinner and movie. Clean the garage. Play tennis with your friends. Do the stuff you normally do. So your life can have some "normal times" in there too.

Galagirl

 

[Leetah]

It sounds to me as though you are hoping that there is a checklist of things to do that will make this into a polyamorous relationship. Many people object to it being defined as a "lifestyle" as it is not like, say, a ski bum lifestyle, "get the gear, learn the activity, hang out with the right people, learn the lingo " etc. and there you are. I imagine you did not go around feeling you were living The Monogamous Lifestyle previously. That was just the agreement you had around sex and romance. One could make monogamy into a Lifestyle by buying lots of couple type items and hanging out at Marriage Encounter groups, I don't know.

The thing is every relationship has at least somewhat different workings inside it. Every relationship between humans is a deal they work out together consciously or unconsciously. Friendships, working relationships, family relationships, you don't spend a week or two reading up on them and figure you know how each kind will work with each of the people you know.

Give it time, get to know this new aspect of your beloved and of yourself. If you are in agony much of the time then stop and think for awhile. Find out where the pain is coming from and try to alleviate it. You are on a scenic hike. It will not be a very good hike for anyone if you have pain in your foot and you either grit your teeth and march on with the pain taking up more and more of your mind, or give up and sit down saying "No, no. You go on without me. Don't mind me." You would be better served by saying "Hang on, my foot hurts. Let's stop a sec and see what's going on." To keep the metaphor going, you might find it is just a sharp pebble you can pull out of your boot. You might find you have your foot in a wrong sized boot so you have to see what you can do to make it less painful. You may find you have broken a bone and need to ask your partner to help you limp back home to see a doctor and get healed up.

I know I have spent time over the last 3 years cursing the universe for making me be part of some stupid "learning experience" about "personal growth". It's like the Universe has cast me in some adult version of an After School Special where we learn painful but valuable lessons about Life and Love. Stupid Universe.

Anyway...be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Don't force yourself to endure unnecessary agony when there are ways to make it better. Don't make your partner have to add seeing your extra pain to hers in the name of making things better. ("I'm...aarrgh...doin' it for you Honey!").

Don't mind my overblown metaphors.

I hope you feel better soon.

Leetah

 

[jsone]

I will be completely honest. I did (past tense) want to move fast. This is pretty difficult for me. All I can think of is the great times we had before and my belief that this will lead to a stronger relationship in the future. It is the current, the time between those two points that I feel is really tough. While it is proving to not be a good strategy at all could anyone blame me for wanting to fast forward.

The other thing is I can see how important this is and I want to support her through it. She is the most amazing women ever. I hear that it will take time but easier said than done.

Please keep in mind that there are a lot of things going on that I don't mention. We talk constantly and she has been great support to help me with this. I typically only bring up the speed bumps as one person put it but there are a lot of great things happening as well.

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't blame you for wanting to go fast. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal' isn't totally here yet. It can feel disorienting and weird. I think it is NORMAL for it to feel a bit weird.

We talk constantly and she has been great support to help me with this. I typically only bring up the speed bumps as one person put it but there are a lot of great things happening as well.

When you are feeling anxious or panicky or overwhelmed... Maybe it could help you to list those amazing, supportive, and great things that are happening so you can help yourself feel better and take a more balanced even keel approach during this transitional time?

Galagirl

 

[jsone]

Thanks GalaGirl. I really appreciate you understanding.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely do that. I need everything I can to do with these lows. The highs are lows are crazy. It really scares me that life could be like this for months. One person told me not to do anything rash. I believe I have done good so far but all it takes is one mistake to really send this for a loop.

 

[GalaGirl]

I believe I have done good so far but all it takes is one mistake to really send this for a loop.

That thinking seems to put a lot of pressure on you.

Rather than telling yourself that one mistake sends it all for a loop? How about telling yourself that "growing pains" are to be expected on a new thing, and that you will handle whatever it is one step at a time?

Find ways to keep this more easy on you and TAKE AWAY from the stress. Not pile more on. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

The highs are lows are crazy. It really scares me that life could be like this for months.

On the bright side, your capacity to manage hights and lows will increase.

A good suggestion how to forego the lows is to tame the hights. What goes up, usually comes down. How you tame the higts? Very least make sure you still do get enough sleep, good food and other body care. Else, if I catch myself "flying" in a high mood and spending a lot of energy, I introduce some calm. I can keep my good feelings, but I relax and slow down with the intention to keep my vitality, so that I am not spending everything within one hour of excitenment.
Sticking to your routine should be helpful too.

You're strong and you will figure this out.

 

[jsone]

Thanks Tinwen. That is good advice that I have already started putting into practice.

One of my last questions before this thread can probably be put to bed is some of the advice I get is to take it one day at a time. Is it weird that is so scary to me? Three weeks ago if someone asked me where I saw my relationship in 20 years I would have been confident and said retiring with my wife and doing some travelling. Given this new lifestyle (sorry if using that word offends people) I don't know if I will ever get that confidence back. This will add so much uncertainty and risk to an area of my life that has been stable. Don't get me wrong I still have my own life and draw strength and confidence from that but that can't compare to happiness I get from my relationship with my wife. If there is someone that has been sort of in this situation I would love to hear it. Is it possible to feel confident in the stability of your relationship with your wife if she is able to have other relationships? In this lifestyle do you end up changing and putting less of a priority on stability and more on some other aspect?

Just in case there is any concern or you sense some major insecurities I can tell you not to worry. I have started to come to terms that whatever control I thought I had under the monogamy rule book is now gone and now I focus on being the best husband, father and partner that I can be which is likely a much more healthy outlook than I had 3 weeks ago when this started.

 

[vinsanity0]

If your relationship is stable, poly won't change that. There is no reason to expect that to change. I fully expected to retire with my wife some day. In fact, we had been looking at houses in the area we wanted to retire in. She probably would have been happy not seeing anyone else after that. I figured we'd maybe find a couple of people to hang out with locally. We made that commitment. No reason you two can't.

 

[Tinwen]

In this lifestyle do you end up changing and putting less of a priority on stability and more on some other aspect?

I think there is generally more emphasis on individual freedom.
Idealist puts it as only making the promise of being true to yourself.
Might seem selfish, but hopefully this can be done without being an arrogant jerk, if you cultivate your capacity to love at the same time.

I do have that feeling that I need to put more emphasis on my own stability as an individual. I did have that idea before that monogamous relationships provide safety. However, this may be very well an illusion, because if a marriage ends after 20 years and I forgot to look after my stability during that time? I would get into severe problems.

It's nice to read Vinsanity's take on commitment though.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I did have that idea before that monogamous relationships provide safety. However, this may be very well an illusion, because if a marriage ends after 20 years and I forgot to look after my stability during that time? I would get into severe problems.

Right you are. Emotional safety and stability in a monogamous relationship can often be an illusion because people still develop all sorts of feelings and desires for others anyway. When feelings for others are forbidden, all of those longings go underground and can emerge as shame, resentment, anger and secrecy. I see it everywhere around me in multi-decade monogamous marriages. When there is zero tolerance for sexual desire outside a long term mono relationship, you're holding a ticking time bomb in your hands. Expecting rules and prohibitions to provide the inner security one lacks is begging for a lifetime of disappointment and instability, as one becomes an emotional hostage to the "good behavior" of the partner.

Monogamy certainly can work well long term if each partner provides his own well developed emotional security because relationships reflect who we are inside. Two secure individuals make for a secure relationship, no matter the "lifestyle." But looking for a partner, lifestyle or rule to make up for the peace you lack inside is setting yourself up for life long dependency on outside circumstances, which, because they reflect who you are inside, will always have you feeling unmoored.

 

[Tinwen]

Emotional safety and stability in a monogamous relationship can often be an illusion because people still develop all sorts of feelings and desires for others anyway. When feelings for others are forbidden, all of those longings go underground and can emerge as shame, resentment, anger and secrecy.

Actually, yes, but I wasn't referring to the "the partner is not leaving" security only. It's also finances and other practical stuff. Like, believing that - at least when children are small - the man is still there to provide for the family. Like there is always someone to lean on, because "until death do us part". Since I've abandoned the traditional model in my mind, I have to accept much more responsibility.

My parents (and grandparents) do live that perfect monogamy, which is so often deemed non-existent on this forum. They've had their 30 years aniversary this week. There is such a strong commitment to being a couple. They've completely merged finances, no "allowance", and they very rarely disagree on money. Big responsibilities they have (children, house and garden work, ...) always feel like joint responsibilities. They are dedicated to working as a team. I've absolutely no questionmark in my mind, that they'll grow old together. As far as I know none of them has ever considered leaving the marriage for whatever reason, and I think they are both happy in their decision. They don't assign much meaning to sex, but I guess they have some sexual life going on - I just sometimes see playfulness. And my dad brings mom a flower every month on the date of their wedding. Pretty beautiful, isn't it?

There's also great personal sacrifice involved, and a lot of discipline going on on both side. Dad came home every evening after work do take over childcare. My mom has always supported dad in his carrier passion (even when it didn't bring much money yet), staying at home with us and following him to the different countries he was employed at. The freedom of the individual seems to always go just as far as the possibilities of the couple.

So that's the model I thought was to be followed in all relationships. And you know what? I want something more independent. I'd rather tend to my carrier, and I'd rather express my sexual attractions, I'd rather not be judged for having preferences which are not entirely in-line with couplehood. I'm evolving and changing - how could I make the commitment they made?

Sorry, that happened to be rather off topic My take on the values of monogamy anyways.

 

[JacksonCage]

Jsone,

I just wanted to express support, in that I have been in your exact shoes. It was a few years ago.

All the advice you got was awesome.

She needs to stop, you two need to build communication systems and get support. Once you have a foundation and have agreements, she can start to experiment little by little, with what works for both of you.

My wife admits she jumped the gun back then, and we work hard on going little by little. She isn't in her ideal place YET, but she is surely having lots of experiences she is enjoying. And I am slowly growing accustom and being understanding. We're even stepping into a new realm in a week or two, which should be interesting.

Does it hurt still? Well.. sometimes.. but not NEARLY as much as before.

Every situation is different. I've seen a lot of divorces over all this, and it's not worth that unless you really are not in love.

This is all not my ideal, but hey... at least we're communicating more than ever and more in love than ever.

Best of luck man...

Last week my wife who I have been with for 17 years told me that she had a strong connection with another man and that she wanted to pursue that while also being with me. At the time I didn't even know what poly or poly amorous was but she forwarded me some articles. After researching it there is no doubt in my mind that she is truly poly.

Ever since then it has been clear that she has to pursue this as her happiness and being true to herself means everything to me. She has been so incredible trying to meet my needs and communicating openly and honestly about the experience. Every time I talk with her I feel better but the problem is I can't be with her the entire day everyday. Anytime we are not talking about it I am in constant agony. I try to deal with it in very healthy ways. I continue to do lots of research to understand the lifestyle better. Through benefits at work I am able to setup a couple appointments with a psychologist but all of this is only temporarily helping. I am still in agony 10+ hours a day. I believe I am strong but this is bringing me to my limits.

Last night has been the worst day so far. The crushing reality of our new lifestyle was finally starting to set in. We have two kids so time together/alone is a premium. Last night was one of those opportunities but I couldn't see her as she was with the other guy. I was the one that urged that this had to happen as I felt it necessary to face the reality of this new lifestyle. It started out pretty well and after doing research about how to make poly/mono relationships work I was feeling confident we could do this. She ended up staying out a couple hours later than I thought and then I felt a massive rush of insecurities and depression. While I didn't want to out of respect for the new lifestyle I texted her asking her to come home which she did. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't support the woman I love in a lifestyle she needs.

I don't resent my wife at all. I still think she is amazing and probably love her more now than I did before. Everything I read tells me that I need to be patient as I will get used to it after awhile. I think all of my agony is coming from an emotional expectation that she should only be with me. I clearly say emotional because I easily accept the logic of how important this lifestyle is to her. Unfortunately my mind and heart are at very opposite ends of the spectrum on this one. I don't mean to be over dramatic but this is tearing me apart. I just hope I am strong enough to take it.

I really want advice or thoughts from someone who has gone through this or is going through this.

Thanks,
Jsone