New to Poly, need advice

A

Amethystsparrow

New member
Hi, I'm new to poly and I am already in need of advice.
My DH who I will call Snarky and my friend who I will call Sunshine as well as myself have recently started to be a poly group. However there are some snags that i need help figuring out if they are problems typical when starting a poly relationship, or signs we are not a good match to be poly with one another.

Snarky and I have been married for 9 years and going strong. Our relationship before this was healthy, supportive and overall happy, as have we been swingers during the later portion of our marriage. That being said we are all aware that Poly and Swinging are two very different animals and can't be compared to one another, hence why I am here seeking out other poly families who have been in my shoes when they too started.

Snarky and I also have a 2 year old child together and are trying to conceive our next LO and have been doing this even before we started to be poly with Sunshine. Sunshine and i get along very well, we are actually close and because we know each other well she and I communicate often, understand where each of us is coming from on situations or topics and over all mesh well. Snarky works full time and is preparing to go to grad school, so his time is rather limited from the beginning as does Sunshine work and have to travel as required for her job.

My problems are stemming from both Sunshine and Snarky, but on two different levels. Sunshine has become easily unstable emotionally lately and I do not know what to do because despite how we talk things out, she gets worse if you talk to her as emotions are arising, and when she is unhappy her actions make the rest of the everyone else just as upset and edgy to the point emotions are on rollercoasters at different intervals. She knew coming into this relationship that Snarky was going to have a difficult time spending enough 'one on one' time with us as much as we needed it, not because he didn't want to, but his obligations to work and school. But this is affecting her and I'm at a loss as what I can do that I already have tried.

lately she has become easily jealous or emotionally upset at small things. For her the issue is solo time with Snarky and she either mopes or quietly steams about it and feels unsatisfied with any days she has with him being enough; they have gone to her place where Snarky stayed over 2 days and had intimacy uninterupted, they've gone on dates or seen eachother outside of work, all of which I am more than ok with. Recently we went on a hike together and because she was upset at something it made the trip horrible because neither Snarky or I knew what to do. I've sacrificed together time to give her some solo time with him here at our place and instead spent time with my friends online in another room. She had 3 consecutive days of him all to herself this week and she is still saying her needs are not being met, where as I am at home taking care of LO and the house and not having enough time to try and get pregnant during the fertile window, to me that is one of the few big needs I have aside from Snarky spending time with our child. This has me greatly concerned, emotionally sad and aggrivated too, and I don't like being emotional over things that can be worked on, I really don't. Snarky and I agree that LO needs the most time with him because she doesn't see him nearly as much one on one as he likes, and to us childrens needs come first no matter what, Sunshine agrees but seems to be struggling a lot as I keep saying. What do I do? should I pull her aside and let her know this is getting a bit out of hand and she needs to find a way to work on it? or am I out of line for even thinking to ask her to manage her upstarts at all?

I go out of my way to ensure they have time but I have yet to have the same gesture offered to me and my time often gets interupted, and I've even taken away my own time with Snarky when I noticed she was really down and needing it. In her eyes I get 'more time' because we are under the same roof while she is away at work, when in reality Snarky and I may not even get quality one on one because we are taking care of LO, the house and he working or studying. To me being occupying the same space does not count as 'time', it is simply the normal routine of getting things done. Or could I be wrong? I do not like feeling guilty of having time with him or for getting upset if it gets butt in on, or having it interrupted when we're trying to conceive by these upstarts or 'group sex' times. I want to be fair, but it doesn't seem to be easy for me right now. Are these normal problems for a poly relation ship that is starting? and how can I voice myself without an even bigger emotional blow out?

My only issue with Snarky is that he doesn't heed my concern about posting all of us on social media or PDA with all three of us when we are out. Sunshine and Snarky are bold open people who do not give a shit to what the world thinks, I on the other hand am a very nervous and highly aware person and my anxiety hits the roof if they display heavy petting or kissing with me along side them, maybe I'm too sensitive, but I prefer to keep quiet about my life, not display it openly at that level yet. Is this a bad thing?
 
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It's not your job to manage his relationships. He needs to talk to her. If he is giving her as much time as he possibly can and it's still not enough for her then maybe she should move on.

Or is your last question a clue as to what is going on? How much of their time together includes you?
 
Amethystsparrow said:
...how can I voice myself without an even bigger emotional blow out?
Click to expand...

Everything you talk about in your OP points to your tremendous focus on how other people might be feeling and thinking. I say "might" because we can never truly know what another is perceiving and so much attention on the possible perceptions of others can rob us of our self possession and our own internal compass. You can't possibly control or improve this situation by even more struggle to figure out how to make things better for Sunshine. That's her work, not yours. At very least, all of this is for Snarky and Sunshine to work out. Before all else, it's important for you to know that Sunshine's issue with never feeling wanted enough is not your hole to fill.

While you're letting them work this out, now is a good time for you to re-orient on your own internal guidance. You're a young mom with a toddler and soon to be pregnant. This is a time when many women put their entire focus on the needs and wants of others and lose their own agency and sense of what is right for them. If you don't want to be public about your relationship, don't be. If you don't want to give more time to Sunshine, don't. She may very well have a conniption fit (or two or three or four) but that is her work to make better, not yours. You can be a loving, caring friend to her but you will never be able to spare her emotional blowouts, nor should you. The stronger you are in your being true to yourself (your boundaries) the less she will "blow out" at you. The answer is not to pussyfoot around her, but to become clearer in yourself about what is right and what is not right for you.
 
FallenAngelina's post is spot-on. In addition, I would also suggest you all give some time to thinking about what things are going to be like once you conceive again. If there is already such limited time, and if Snarky is struggling to spend enough time with the child you already have, that's going to be seriously exacerbated with another child, especially a baby, in the mix.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, honestly, for everyone involved. Can I ask why you decided to open your relationship at a point when time and commitments were already such a struggle for Snarky? When children are young, many poly people close, or at least do not bring new partners into the mix, for very good reasons. I am not saying it never works to do so, of course, but especially for people who are entirely new to poly, this is really rough. And, of course, there's the additional stress of Snarky's studies. Top it off with a triad, which is arguably the least stable and most stressful poly configuration to manage, and it's unsurprising everyone in your group is having issues.

If I had to take a shot in the dark, I'd wager Sunshine knows what's going to happen if you get pregnant again. The reality is a deep cut in her time with Snarky, at the very least. While that is her job to express, it's a justifiable concern on her part. Have all of you discussed what that reality will look like? Is Sunshine dating others, as well, so she's not reliant strictly on you and Snarky for her intimacy needs?
 
vinsanity0 said:
It's not your job to manage his relationships. He needs to talk to her. If he is giving her as much time as he possibly can and it's still not enough for her then maybe she should move on.

Or is your last question a clue as to what is going on? How much of their time together includes you?
Click to expand...

Hi Visanity, I'm starting to pick up on how much this is his responsibility, but yet as both their partner ( I didn't specify well last night that she is also my partner and I am terribly sorry for spacing on that) I can't help but think there are some things I need to do to at least solve some of the problem if it can be helped and it does me no harm.

My last question regarding the public PDA? if not please let me know which one, i'm a bit foggy in the morning. I just don't like to outwardly display it with all three of us if it is kissing or heavy petting, holding hands and being goof balls is more than fine for me, However because I get anxious and hyper aware of other people to the point of stress i prefer to not have the heavy or outward kissy stuff when all three of us are around. I am not ashamed nor would I want to change who I am and the choice we've made, but I am more private about these things in general.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Everything you talk about in your OP points to your tremendous focus on how other people might be feeling and thinking. I say "might" because we can never truly know what another is perceiving and so much attention on the possible perceptions of others can rob us of our self possession and our own internal compass. You can't possibly control or improve this situation by even more struggle to figure out how to make things better for Sunshine. That's her work, not yours. At very least, all of this is for Snarky and Sunshine to work out. Before all else, it's important for you to know that Sunshine's issue with never feeling wanted enough is not your hole to fill.

While you're letting them work this out, now is a good time for you to re-orient on your own internal guidance. You're a young mom with a toddler and soon to be pregnant. This is a time when many women put their entire focus on the needs and wants of others and lose their own agency and sense of what is right for them. If you don't want to be public about your relationship, don't be. If you don't want to give more time to Sunshine, don't. She may very well have a conniption fit (or two or three or four) but that is her work to make better, not yours. You can be a loving, caring friend to her but you will never be able to spare her emotional blowouts, nor should you. The stronger you are in your being true to yourself (your boundaries) the less she will "blow out" at you. The answer is not to pussyfoot around her, but to become clearer in yourself about what is right and what is not right for you.
Click to expand...



Thank you FallenAngelina, this has helped my concerns a good bit. The good thing is since my post last night I was able to talk to her about my concerns and she was in a place to talk about it easily with me. So it turns out it is simply 'Time' in other areas as well, not just one on one with him. She's going to be getting more work now, has had a bad mix up with her ex of 9 years being a jerk recently causing her grief. She admitted and is aware that this is her 'work' to figure out and she hugged me and apologized for making me feel frantic and that my needs came second to hers. I may edit this OP because I am now aware that I did not specify she was also my partner, not just Snarky's, and I apologize as that may have caused some lovely advice I am being given to go in another area, I'm terribly sorry about that.
 
GreenAcres said:
FallenAngelina's post is spot-on. In addition, I would also suggest you all give some time to thinking about what things are going to be like once you conceive again. If there is already such limited time, and if Snarky is struggling to spend enough time with the child you already have, that's going to be seriously exacerbated with another child, especially a baby, in the mix.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, honestly, for everyone involved. Can I ask why you decided to open your relationship at a point when time and commitments were already such a struggle for Snarky? When children are young, many poly people close, or at least do not bring new partners into the mix, for very good reasons. I am not saying it never works to do so, of course, but especially for people who are entirely new to poly, this is really rough. And, of course, there's the additional stress of Snarky's studies. Top it off with a triad, which is arguably the least stable and most stressful poly configuration to manage, and it's unsurprising everyone in your group is having issues.

If I had to take a shot in the dark, I'd wager Sunshine knows what's going to happen if you get pregnant again. The reality is a deep cut in her time with Snarky, at the very least. While that is her job to express, it's a justifiable concern on her part. Have all of you discussed what that reality will look like? Is Sunshine dating others, as well, so she's not reliant strictly on you and Snarky for her intimacy needs?
Click to expand...

GreenAcres, Thank you for focusing in on a lot of the heavier items and issues that may lay ahead, if not already. However I am really happy when things are going well, as i mentioned in other responses I failed to mention that she is also my partner, not just Snarky's, so there were other elements that you were in the dark about until now, and for that I apologize. Sunshine wants me pregnant and it is something I am determined to have. Due to my age the time is now to try for siblings, especially since Snarky will be in Gradschool for 5 years, this is something that cannot be waited on and was a decision He and I made to do. It's difficult to explain and this actually just happened naturally on it's own and we've all aimed to work as a family unit.

I am not sure if this will be helpful, but this is the best I can do in the capacity of having no coffee yet.
 
Amethystsparrow said:
Hi Visanity, I'm starting to pick up on how much this is his responsibility, but yet as both their partner ( I didn't specify well last night that she is also my partner and I am terribly sorry for spacing on that) I can't help but think there are some things I need to do to at least solve some of the problem if it can be helped and it does me no harm.

My last question regarding the public PDA? if not please let me know which one, i'm a bit foggy in the morning. I just don't like to outwardly display it with all three of us if it is kissing or heavy petting, holding hands and being goof balls is more than fine for me, However because I get anxious and hyper aware of other people to the point of stress i prefer to not have the heavy or outward kissy stuff when all three of us are around. I am not ashamed nor would I want to change who I am and the choice we've made, but I am more private about these things in general.
Click to expand...

No, I totally get not wanting to blast your personal business out there on social media. I'm a very private person.

Thanks for clarifying the the two of you are partners as well. That changes things a little. What I was getting was is there a lot of that time with all three of you together?
 
Hi Amethystsparrow,

I generally recommend talking about it when you have a concern, such as one-on-one time issues, or PDA issues. But I recommend talking cautiously, avoiding accusatory/blame language. Your objective is to problem-solve as a team; venting is for another time, such as in a journal, while talking to a counselor, or posting on this forum.

Sounds like you guys are working things out okay so far; that's good to hear.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi KD
Thank you for mentioning how to go about talking. Frankly we haven't had time to talk about needs with work schedules being hectic but we are going to schedule a time to go over them again, before we weren't sure 100% what they were until recently after starting things officially. On another note, our families aren't taking this well ever since Snarky announced it, and we are getting grilled constantly. I wasn't keene on telling them for this reason aline. Any advice for what to do? As slim as this request is, it's really messing with me emotionally.
 
I suppose you answer calmly and politely to the best of your knowledge, unless someone starts asking about stuff that isn't their business (such as bedroom details). In the meantime you just keep reading up on poly to learn more so you're better equipped to answer those grilling questions. Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page is a good place to start. And you can post questions here anytime.

The thing is, upset family members are going to continue to be upset no matter how well you answer their questions. With any luck, they'll start to get over it in about a year, or, maybe they'll hold a lifelong grudge against you. That's their problem. You, Snarky, and Sunshine are consenting adults. How you conduct your love lives is up to you, not subject to family approval. Don't let them pull you down.
 
Kevin,
Thank you thank you thank you. I was about to cry and was beside myself. Thank you, I will be reading the faq and do my best to my power to answer them . The biggest concern they have is me, they worey if i really do want this, will i be ok and so on. It's hard to tell them i want this and that I am ok, because they don't seem to beleive me.
 
The way you say that "Snarky announced it" makes me think he did not consult with you before doing so, just as they have not been consulting you about spreading PDAs all over social media. This is not kind or respectful behavior. I hope Snarky is helping you fend off the nosy qustions and that they are coming to agreement with you about PDAs.

Leetah
 
Leetah
Ah, I am sorry yet again, when i am stressed i tend to rush and not take enough care to make sure i explain nessesary details properly.
No, i certainly knew he wanted to and I expressed my reservations due to a gut instinct. It was to his parents that he announced it to who are the most open minded of of the sets, they swing and go to swingers clubs as have the had subs. The most open minded and yet the reaction was anything we expected, however with how his mother was avoiding us after seeing innocent fb posts with Sunshine she was almost alerted to something being up. It is one of those things that you least expect i suppose and he honestly did think they would be thrilled.

The heavy PDA has gotten better, i told Sunshine that my not wanting heavy pda wasn't a cue that i didn't love her or want this, it was simply that i am private and get anxious because i have been approached by outsiders with verbal discust or thinking i was "easy game" when i break away to do other things on my own. Once she realized that i loved her and it wasn't a bad sign she easily understood as did Snarky who felt the same way.
 
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I'm sorry about his parents' reaction.

In their coming out stories here people are regularly surprised by who is tolerant and who is not. With luck they will settle down when they see all is basically well.

Leetah
 
Of family members who object to one of their own practicing polyamory, not all do so in a spirit of ill will. With all the monogamous conditioning in our world, people tend to think nonmonogamy is dangerous. So, they are scared of polyamory, and sincerely concerned for the well-being of the person who is practicing polyamory. I think it is mostly this group that gets over it in about a year. After they see that poly isn't hurting that person, their concerns are alleviated.
 
vinsanity0 said:
No, I totally get not wanting to blast your personal business out there on social media. I'm a very private person.

Thanks for clarifying the the two of you are partners as well. That changes things a little. What I was getting was is there a lot of that time with all three of you together?
Click to expand...

Hi Visanity,
Terribly sorry for not getting to answer you, I honestly thought I had. There are a lot of times we are together, Snarky himself wants us to be more of a unit and not segregated too much, it's hard on him and I can see how when someone feels tugged on how scary and wearisome it can be on him. However both Sunshine and I need our one on one with him, it's one of the best ways we can avoid jealousy about each other especially since she works and I am at home, so it's easier for me to see him be it quality time or not.

I feel since they are in "New partner attention" mode, it can be easy for me to get put aside because he feels we are " close and bonded well enough, where as he and sunshine need to bond" so our relationship doesn't need tending. Where as I get where his mind is, I don't agree with it and I should be romanced and our relationship still needs to be tended, sitting there while they go on dates often while I am tending the children at home and not being given the same courtesy, it makes for trouble if I feel I'm not being 'romanced' or at least getting some attention that way too. He's got some balancing out and learning to do, but we're only just starting this and I'm being patient in letting him find his groove and balance in that department.
 
Hi Kevin,
I'm inclined to agree, they are not malicious and being negative for the sake of negativity's sake but for fear and concern for us. The worry is with me, I was bluntly told that they do not care about Snarky, but that they worry for me if anything would go sour, if he and sunshine had kids and how complicated such things would be. They are very legitimate concerns, as do I have them as well but not in the same scope as they do. I have my own concerns about if things go wrong, but I think everyone here in this community, or any relationship type for that matter has these same concerns.
 
I can't deny that polyamory tends to be more complicated than monogamy. However, polyamory can be well worth the extra effort.
 
I feel since they are in "New partner attention" mode, it can be easy for me to get put aside because he feels we are " close and bonded well enough, where as he and sunshine need to bond" so our relationship doesn't need tending. Where as I get where his mind is, I don't agree with it and I should be romanced and our relationship still needs to be tended, sitting there while they go on dates often while I am tending the children at home and not being given the same courtesy, it makes for trouble if I feel I'm not being 'romanced' or at least getting some attention that way too. He's got some balancing out and learning to do, but we're only just starting this and I'm being patient in letting him find his groove and balance in that department.
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He absolutely has to romance you as well. I have two husbands, and they each get a date night every week - at least one, if not multiple. They trade off evenings spent with me. It's on the calendar, so they can plan their free time, as well as our times together. Both of them are currently monogamous, but the one rule we do have is that new partners don't steal away time from old partners. There is NO WAY I would bend on that. It's cool that you are letting him have some time to find balance, but I would definitely make sure you let him know NOW what your time requirements are. You deserve a date night, and a complete night off from the kids, every week, for sure.
 
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