Where can we meet people who understand?

P

princessaja

New member
My husband and I are loving, kind, adventurous, stable and responsible. Yet, even after a year and a half of searching we have meet very few individuals who understand and actually want what we are looking for. We are looking for a man to add to our current relationship. My husband is heterosexual and there for we are looking for a closed V configuration.

Where on earth to poly people meet other like minded individuals? We are so tired of creepy CL and OKC replies. Any advice would be so appreciated!
 
May I ask why you're searching as a couple? Granted, there's no shortage of creepy responses on OKC, but it's also a place that's full of legit poly couples and singles, most of whom date as individuals. Couple searching is, but it's very nature, kinda creepy and that may account for many of the responses you're eliciting. If you're looking to form a sexual love relationship with a man who is also open to knowing your husband, you'll likely inspire many more sincere replies if you date as a woman rather than as a couple.
 
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If you're not getting the replies you want on OKCupid (the most poly-friendly dating site I know of, and where I found 2 of my 3 boyfriends), then perhaps instead of searching elsewhere you should look at the impression you're making with how you're advertising yourself.

In the other thread you started here, you say you're looking for a "single/straight man to join our relationship long term" rather than a "man open to forming a long term relationship with a happily married woman".

The second version makes it reasonably clear that your hypothetical single/straight guy (SSG from here on) will be entering a relationship with a woman, whereas your version lumps you and your husband together as a single relationship unit, thereby insisting that by being in a relationship with you your SSG will also be in a relationship with a man - your husband. If SSG is entirely straight (as you've specified he must be), then that may be an immediate turn off, even if only on a subconscious level. If he's only mostly straight, then your following paragraph with the line "NOTHING sexual and definitely not bi-curious" will reek of biphobia and be an immediate turn off. Congratulations, you've just repelled 100% of your target audience.

Your choice of language: "add to our current relationship", "join our relationship", "looking to add", etc, lead me to believe you might benefit from reading up on couple privilege. I realise you're looking to form a V rather than a triad, but So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? would be a good place to start, followed by extensive Googling on the subject. Using "our" rather than "my" and "us" rather than "me" is a red flag for couple privilege and would probably cause anyone familiar with the idea to shake their head and click away to the next profile.
 
Are there any poly meetups within an easy distance of you? Meeting people in real life and getting to know them is a good way of joining a network of like minded people. There are also various hobby or philosophical groups who have a greater likelihood of having poly friendly members.

Leetah
 
princessaja said:
My husband and I are loving, kind, adventurous, stable and responsible. Yet, even after a year and a half of searching we have meet very few individuals who understand and actually want what we are looking for. We are looking for a man to add to our current relationship. My husband is heterosexual and there for we are looking for a closed V configuration.

Where on earth to poly people meet other like minded individuals? We are so tired of creepy CL and OKC replies. Any advice would be so appreciated!
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Personally I have some understanding of your problem. My wife and I started looking with an almost identical search 2 1/2 years ago. We were ignorant to how some of these relationships work. At first we felt it would be easy to match up with another couple and live happily ever after.... Through the learning process my wife and I realized that we needed to search on our own. Of course the AFF and OKC and some of these others are filled with males on a search. She was fortunate enough to find a wonderful match and has cultivated a multi-year relationship with her male. He took the time to become a friend to me also which solidified the relationship even more. He is not bi in any way so it is a V instead of a Triad. I had the opportunity to meet a female on OKC but it was only a couple month affair. She fell in love with me and wanted me to make the choice of being with her or my wife. Needless to say I sadly ended a friendship with her.
WE also wonder where to turn next. Her b/f is growing more distant also and I am living a mono life right now. A couples match just doesn't seem practical. You may need to endure those creepy replies from some of the males til you find that gem in amongst them who has the true desires you are looking for.
 
Emm said:
If you're not getting the replies you want on OKCupid (the most poly-friendly dating site I know of, and where I found 2 of my 3 boyfriends), then perhaps instead of searching elsewhere you should look at the impression you're making with how you're advertising yourself.

In the other thread you started here, you say you're looking for a "single/straight man to join our relationship long term" rather than a "man open to forming a long term relationship with a happily married woman".

The second version makes it reasonably clear that your hypothetical single/straight guy (SSG from here on) will be entering a relationship with a woman, whereas your version lumps you and your husband together as a single relationship unit, thereby insisting that by being in a relationship with you your SSG will also be in a relationship with a man - your husband. If SSG is entirely straight (as you've specified he must be), then that may be an immediate turn off, even if only on a subconscious level. If he's only mostly straight, then your following paragraph with the line "NOTHING sexual and definitely not bi-curious" will reek of biphobia and be an immediate turn off. Congratulations, you've just repelled 100% of your target audience.

Your choice of language: "add to our current relationship", "join our relationship", "looking to add", etc, lead me to believe you might benefit from reading up on couple privilege. I realise you're looking to form a V rather than a triad, but So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? would be a good place to start, followed by extensive Googling on the subject. Using "our" rather than "my" and "us" rather than "me" is a red flag for couple privilege and would probably cause anyone familiar with the idea to shake their head and click away to the next profile.
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I wanted to let you know how extremely helpful this information is to me. I spent the night researching couple privilege. This is something I had only briefly considered. I did not realize how extremely influential it had been on our search. Thank you so much for enlightening me, I really think it will help us move forward in a less bias and more open way.
 
As someone who has the type of relationship that you want here's my advice.

Most men who may be open to dating a married woman are not going to be interested in a package deal that includes your husband. The average person is not going to want their relationship with you shared with your husband, be it time, infornation, or etc. They are going to want a relationship that is free to grow on it's own. They are not going to want to be your dirty little secret meaning they are going to want to be able to go out do things, go on vacation with you, be included in your life. If you're not out of the closet you have a tiny dating pool.

My relationships are separate but equal . I do not share information with one about the other. Butch has no say in my life with Murf. Murf has no say in my life with Butch. They trust me to be a good hinge. They both respect each other's time with me and are comfortable with time to themselves.
 
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