Leaf on the Wind

Some days, I'm so tired of just about everything that I wonder why I even bother. Other days, I'm... okay. That's the word that keeps appearing in my mood journal. Okay okay okay okay okay, interspersed with "depressed" and "tired, didn't sleep."

My counselor says that we can up my medications if this continues, but that what I'm feeling is pretty normal. I don't want to up my medications. They were working for me, and the reason they're likely not working for me now has probably less to do with my malfunctioning brain chemistry and more to do with current events.

There is no news on the poly front. I still don't know if I'm seeing Flame in January, Guitarist and Spice are still an item, and I'm still not ready to consider dating again. I need to take some time to tend to myself, first.
 
Finishing up my crazy week at work, finishing up my new novel first draft (though I doubt I'll meet my goal of writing the whole thing in November since it's only about 80% done at this point). I got a rejection from an agent who asked me to revise and resubmit, which was a huge bummer. And I'm still waiting on my passport, though that could be another few weeks. Everything is pretty much in a holding pattern of depression and anxiety. I have counseling tonight.

I'm thinking of dating again, which would probably result in me posting more often. I'll probably not start actually looking until January but the desire to update my OKC strikes every now and then. And... that's it, really.
 
Because what I really wanted to do on a Friday was sit at work late, waiting on someone else to make up their mind to determine whether I have to work any later.
 
I really should be asleep right now, but instead I decided to start a new TV show while Guitarist is over at Spice's house. And of course I got sucked in.

Today was a long day of doing stuff with people. Tomorrow, I'm going to a holiday handbells concert with my mom. At least I'll get to sleep in! If the cats let me.
 
Lately, I barely feel polyamorous. Guitarist has stuff with Spice, but she's a great meta and there is no drama, so everything there just sort of powers along on its own without me having to worry about anything.

Flame has moved to his own space, and he's probably in a happy place again, because I barely hear from him. Lately, our relationship is feeling more like highly verbally affectionate friends than anything.

I wish he lived closer. We'd make a great couple, he's been my best not-Guitarist friend for years, and we have so many similar interests. But he lives way, way over on the Pacific Coast and here I am by the Great Lakes. It's going to be so expensive to see him. I wish he was still in driving range.

At least with him I know he wouldn't abruptly end the relationship or do something he knew would hurt me without regard for my feelings.

I'm thinking about dating again. But a good-sized part of me is just like.. why? Even though I really miss dating women and the possibilities that come with a new relationship, I have had two relationships in the last year that have both ended in highly painful ways. Why should I put myself through that again?

I don't like change. But I miss dating women and I envy Guitarist his dates and parties. I wish I had someone to go on a romantic hike with, or go cross-country skiing and share some nice warm cuddles and hot chocolate afterward. Or saving for a downhill ski weekend thing up north. I can't imagine dragging Guitarist skiing.

And I'd have to pay for the whole trip. Which makes it a lot less likely that we'd do something like that anyway.

Now that I'm thinking about money... I feel like Guitarist and I are coming up on A Possible Situation. When we first got together, I made it clear that I wanted someone who would be financially responsible for half of everything. To me, that felt like equality, especially after issues with First Fiance, who couldn't hold down a job and left me paying for everything while he played video games all day.

But I've flexed on that with Guitarist. It went from half of everything to me encouraging him to save up so that he could quit his job to do music full-time. Initially, the idea was that he'd save up enough to get himself established bringing in money some way with music, maybe doing freelance sound engineering or something. And I wouldn't need him to necessarily cover HALF of things, just to financially contribute.

Then he quit his job early because the stress was really getting to him. And savings to pay for half of everything turned into I will cover the groceries if you pay your half of the bills, because he hadn't saved up nearly enough to make a good run at it.

At some point that turned into me covering all the bills and the mortgage, except his car insurance payment and student loan payment. And I was fine doing that for a time, I want him to be able to successfully work from home doing what he loves, and it's clear he needed some time to get whatever he was going to do off the ground.

But it's been over a year and he's not making any money.

I don't need him to cover half of everything. But me paying for everything all the time is not acceptable to me. I drew the line at his car insurance payment and student loan payment, and I told him that I can't cover that. And I can't, not and still having spending money for myself to eat out sometimes and save for vacations. I ended up covering his car insurance anyway. Because I don't want him to have to go back to a shitty job, and because it wasn't that expensive.

And now I catch myself thinking that maybe I could cover his student loans. I COULD divert money that I'm putting in savings. So maybe instead of saying that I can't, the real answer is that I won't. Because I'm not willing to make that sacrifice under these circumstances. That's really the final line and the one that I stand by.

I guess where all this is coming from is that Guitarist's student loans came off forbearance recently. He's trying to get them put back on, but I suspect that he's run out their time limit. So what to do about that has been weighing heavily on me lately.

My impulse is to say that I'll pay them, to get him more time to work on his album because I love him. And it's not that he doesn't work: he does work hard at music. He just isn't making any money at it. And if I'm paying for everything while having no money to relax when I work full time and beyond, I'm going to resent the shit out of it. I already resent it to some degree but I swallow it because I want him to be happy and I want him to have that chance to do what he loves.

But I'm not going to cover his student loans.

And honestly, it rankles that he has treated this like a failed experiment for some time now. He never started working on freelance ways to make money. He talked about ways sometimes but never got started on any of them. I think if he had started on that, instead of treating it like there was a finite amount of time to get his music recording stuff done, he would at least have a trickle of income established by now. I'm sure the recording would have gone slower since he would have to split his focus. But with even a small amount of money coming in, he could have covered his loans and worked from home indefinitely.

I try to remind myself of this. I don't think I'm at fault here, even through I do sometimes feel like a piece of shit human being for not being willing to sacrifice my coffee money to give him more time for his ambitions.

Anyway. Maybe I'm getting preemptively upset about something that might not come to pass. Maybe they'll give him another forbearance and he'll have more time. Maybe he won't ask me to cover his loans and I won't have to say no and explain why. If they're due at the end of the month, I'll cover that month to give him time to find a job. And that's it.

Sigh.
 
In good news, I'm feeling a lot better after processing all that stuff out yesterday. This blog is really good for helping me get to the bottom of Vague Uneasy Feeling so that I can do something about it. Or plan on doing something about it, should Trigger Of Vague Uneasy Feeling ever crop up.

Today is the first weekend day in ??? that I don't have anything planned. I spent this morning and the better part of the afternoon writing, and finally managed to write my way out of the issue that was giving me fits. This makes me happy.

The downside of today is that my suspected yearly weather-change sinus infection has gone from the typical low-grade fever and headache to the point where my face is hurting constantly. I think I just need to go in to my doctor. Even though I know what she'll tell me (take high-strength decongestants and come in in a week). I honestly don't know if I can take real sudafed with the other medications I'm taking. An online drug interaction checker says I should be okay, but I'd really rather ask my doctor about that before starting on that.

Tomorrow I'm going to a football game with my mom. It's part of our yearly holiday tradition. Basically, this is my Christmas present to her, though this year I think I'm also going to get her a rice cooker. Unfortunately, the weather is supposed to be snowy and shitty and the drive to Not As Nearby City With Professional Football Team is about two hours in good weather. We're going to take my brother's car, which has 4-wheel drive, so hopefully it won't be too difficult.
 
We managed not to die getting to our from the football game, though it was a long white-knuckle drive home. It still wasn't as bad as the time driving back from Chicago along Lake Michigan during Winter Storm Oceana with Guitarist. That one is still like a horror movie in my head.

Yesterday I was working from home and tried the decongestant nasal spray I'm supposed to try to clear out my sinuses so my body can fight off the infection since my doctor apparently hates giving out antibiotics even though we do this every year.

It says 2-3 sprays. I figured that meant per nostril and did two in each. Then I dripped like a faucet for 12 hours... from the side that's not the problem. The other side is still congested. And by the end I was liberally applying chapstick to the whole area from my nose on down and using an old t-shirt instead of facial tissue because I was, and am, so raw. And I'm supposed to do that again today while I'm at work?

No thank you.

Tonight, I have counseling. I'm not really sure what to even talk about there. Probably my Guitarist-financials mini-meltdown because it's still on my mind. And since I'm touchy about that, I'm touchy about a lot of other things. Like at some point Sunday I thought that if we don't rework the dishes arrangement (he is supposed to be doing them as part of his work from home agreement but he just lets them pile up until I break down and do them, or so it feels) I'm going to move the fuck out because I'm not going to live in a miasma of stinky dishes for the rest of my life and I'm also not going to do 80% of the housework by default simply because his tolerance for gross is higher than mine.

Yeah. I'm a little touchy.

And now lunch break is over and it's back to work. Hooray.
 
The good news is that my doctor agreed that my attempts with decongestants and the seriously screwed state of my left sinuses warranted antibiotics. The bad news is that I slept for "12 hours" last night, all of which felt like I was drowning in snot as my sinuses have decided to stop holding onto congestion like a dragon hoards treasure and have instead deposited it all down the back of my throat.

I didn't go to work today.

We're supposed to go over to Spice and Spicewife's house tonight for board games. I'm probably going to have to try to take a nap before that happens. And a shower. And liberally apply chapstick to my entire lower face. It will be fun, and I want to go, even though I feel physically like crap.

In other good news: it's an amazing relief to NOT have a headache, Guitarist's student loans were put back on forbearance, and the new dishes situation is working out well. I actually woke up this morning in a good mood, despite the lack of sleep.

I partially attribute that to counseling on Wednesday, which was extremely helpful. We mostly talked about my frustrations with Guitarist of late. They're definitely exacerbated by other things that are making me anxious, like the state of current events and the upcoming holidays and traveling in bad weather. But what it mostly comes down to is that I'm on the very responsible end of the spectrum (I go everywhere on time, I pay everything on time, I like things clean, prioritize appointments, and plan ahead... often too much, the point of causing myself needless anxiety). It's pretty much a direct reaction to my parents' irresponsible way of life, the way I was raised, and my serious desire not to live like that. Guitarist is on the moderately irresponsible end of the spectrum (he is frequently late, frequently pays things late, puts off appointments, he likes things 'clean enough,' and takes life as it happens). The thing is, his way of doing things is his way, and unless it negatively affects me, I need to just let him do him. Trying to do his planning for him and then getting frustrated that he doesn't live his life the way I live mine is not healthy.

His student loans do not affect me. Even if he defaults on them (which I argued is extremely unlikely since Guitarist is not THAT irresponsible, but we were talking worst case scenarios) they can't come after me. They can't take our house. If he defaults and it tanks his credit score etc it's not going to affect me very much, because I have good enough credit to get us all the credit we need, I have a good income, and we have already made the major purchases that rely heavily on credit scores (house, cars).

What is affecting me a lot is worrying about it when it hasn't even happened, and trying to be responsible FOR him. I'm not responsible for him, he's a grown man. So I'm going to work on trying not to run his life for him and focus on those things that really do affect me. And I'm going to try to work on only getting anxious about those things that really warrant anxiety on my part, so I don't drive myself crazier than I already am.
 
Oh, I wanted to add another thing that has been stressing me out: holiday shopping.

I hate shopping.

My budget is quite limited this year.

I hate shopping.

I have no idea what to get my father and I kind of don't want to get him anything since he's been kind of a jerk lately but that would just perpetuate the jerkness so I should just get him something.

Did I mention how much I hate shopping.

I need to get books for my nieces. At least I like shopping at the bookstore?

Thankfully Guitarist and I don't get each other presents. His present to me is not having to do any fucking shopping.
 
Last night was super fun, even though I feel like I was a bad house guest since I was sick and kind of dragging the whole night. I got to try a Playstation VR and, while I wouldn't personally shell out the money for one, it was pretty damn cool. We played a cooperative multiplayer bomb disarming game that was seriously fun. The person in VR has to describe the bomb and the puzzle modules and the people outside have the rules to disarming it. Would play again.

Then we played Illuminati (man I love that game) and a Bloodborne board game. By the time of the second game I was pretty out-of-my-head tired. Then we got to drive home through a bad snow, but in the good news, I barely remember that part!

Have I mentioned that Spice is a great meta? And Spicewife is super cool. They're fun to just hang out with and there is absolutely no drama.

I had weird dreams. Sort of a combination between Dishonored 2 and Sansa from the book version of Game of Thrones. A bunch of people killed my brothers and kidnapped me and were trying to get me to give up secrets and every time I refused, they would slowly turn another part of me into a statue. I'll say this for antidepressants, the dreams are pretty vivid and trippy. I woke up when I was being tortured with a wasp. Fuck wasps. Seriously.
 
Still in a good mood lately, mostly because I've been avidly avoiding anything news-related. Holidays are stressful enough without worrying about politics. Guitarist had his date with Spice last night. I baked myself an apple pie and masturbated myself senseless and gave myself a pedicure. He should leave the house more often ;)

I'm having a date day with Guitarist today. We're going to go see Rogue One at some point. I'm quite looking forward to it, even though I absolutely hate, hate hate hate, hate movie theaters.

I've realized that a lot of my dislikes are tied to my anxiety/panic disorder/agoraphobia. Like shopping. And movie theaters. I really just don't like being surrounded by strangers. It puts me on edge and used to give me panic attacks. Having a loved person with me, like Guitarist or my mother, has always added a level of comfort that makes it easier to endure. It's why I always go grocery shopping with Guitarist, and I used to do all of my holiday shopping with my mother.

So there are things like this: Spice is having a birthday party soon, and I'm invited, but it's a day I work and I don't really feel like going to the after-dinner party. It's after all the holidays and stuff so I doubt I'll be feeling very social anyway. Also, see the thing about being surrounded by strangers. Even though Guitarist intends to go.

I think part of the reason I've avoided social events with Spice and Spicewife that aren't just me, Guitarist, Spice, and Spicewife is that I feel like it's more akin to me going to a house full of strangers than it is me going somewhere with Guitarist. I think in my head, Guitarist isn't mine to lean on at such events. At best, he's a shared resource, so... yeah. All the stress of being surrounded by people I don't know with half or less than half of the comfort of having a support person with me. Not attractive to me at all.

Looking back, I think that's probably why I found it so stressful when Purr would invite me somewhere and we'd end up meeting her friends/crushes/whatever there. It would leave me feeling like I was surrounded by strangers and without full support. It's definitely part of why I haven't gone back to Steampunk events, even though I really enjoyed them and would like to go. I fucking love my costume and costuming. But without someone to lean on, it's me surrounded by strangers in a social setting, and even though I no longer have panic attacks since I've been on a combined anxiety medication/mood stabilizer, it still sets me very much on edge.

Meanwhile, every now and then I think about opening OKC back up, but then something from Purr or Marian pops up on my Facebook and I'm like... why. Why do that to myself.

Other than that I really miss dating a woman. There's a whole different energy to a f/f relationship, and in a way, it feels like I'm denying a huge part of myself, that big gay part that has defined so much of my life. Sometimes I think I'm less of a panromantic demi and more of a homoflexromantic demi, or something like that. Some other kind of weird ace snowflake. It's so much easier and more common for me to fall in love with a woman than with a man. And I think that my fear surrounding that is part of the problem.

While I'm no longer extremely heartbroken over Purr, and I've had my time to heal and renew, and I've come to accept that in the long run I'm probably happier without the instability she brought to my life, I still loved her very much. I think the reason I always just stare at the OKC app instead of opening it is that I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again. So that's my major internal struggle right now, even though I'm in a happy place. I want to date a woman but I'm afraid to fall in love and get hurt. Poly woes, huh.
 
Ugh. Starting to feel sick. Don't know if I'm feeling sick because I'm sick or feeling sick because of serious shopping anxiety day with some serious social (anxiety) days on the horizon. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
 
Once I realized my thing against dating again was a fear thing I said fuck it and fired up OKC. Top of my match list?

Spice, at 99%.

Bahahahaha.
 
What a shitty week. I fucking hate 2016. The whole year has been a garbage fire.
 
I messaged one woman on OKC who didn't message me back. That's about the extent I'm going to go, there. I'm still pretty ambivalent about starting a new relationship so I'm not going to try to force anything.

I've noticed a lot of blogs lately where the bloggers bemoan that they aren't perfect at poly. This leaves me scratching my head... because there are times I do that too, like when I'm ashamed that my bedroom is off-limits to other people. Why does having that one last bastion of couples privilege gnaw at me?

I tell you what, I'm not perfect at marriage, at my job, at writing, at being a friend. But I don't beat myself up about the ways in which I'm not perfect at everything. I wonder why polyamory seems to be the exception for people, myself not excluded. Is it the emotional stakes? The pressure of living a minority identity and striving to be a model member of that minority?

I don't know. But it's fascinating to think on.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
I've noticed a lot of blogs lately where the bloggers bemoan that they aren't perfect at poly. This leaves me scratching my head... because there are times I do that too, like when I'm ashamed that my bedroom is off-limits to other people. Why does having that one last bastion of couples privilege gnaw at me?

I tell you what, I'm not perfect at marriage, at my job, at writing, at being a friend. But I don't beat myself up about the ways in which I'm not perfect at everything. I wonder why polyamory seems to be the exception for people, myself not excluded. Is it the emotional stakes? The pressure of living a minority identity and striving to be a model member of that minority?

I don't know. But it's fascinating to think on.
Click to expand...

As one of those bloggers who is constantly worrying that I'm not perfect at poly :eek: ...

For me, it's that poly/nonmonogamy is the only area of my life where I experience a conflict between what I want and what seems objectively fair, moral, and ethical. So when I beat myself up for not being poly enough, it's coming from a place of worrying I am not kind and considerate enough.

When I screw up or slack off at work, or on personal projects, even in my marriage, it is simply an honest mistake - or a case of not having the time and energy to be perfect at everything all the time. There is no conflict between what I think I should do (improve my writing) and what I genuinely want to do (improve my writing). It's just a matter of having the resources to do it. And I don't beat myself up (that much ;)) for not being able to accomplish everything right this minute.

The times I feel like I'm bad at poly, in the other hand... I feel this tremendous conflict between what I should do and what I want to do. To use your example, I might think the fair and right and decent thing to do is let other partners use the bedroom, but I desperately want to keep it for myself and my nesting partner only.

So it's a very different kind of "failing" ... Not one of skill or resources, but of willingness. Not "I can't do the thing" but "I could do the thing, I just don't want to".
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
As one of those bloggers who is constantly worrying that I'm not perfect at poly :eek: ...
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It hasn't just been you lately! I expect it from YOU. ;) It's been here, there, and everywhere, and not just on these boards.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
So it's a very different kind of "failing" ... Not one of skill or resources, but of willingness. Not "I can't do the thing" but "I could do the thing, I just don't want to".
Click to expand...

Really? If you 'could' do something but it would make you miserable all the time, can you really do that thing? I'm sure I physically COULD do all the housework on top of working full time. But it would make me miserable. So... I actually can't. Not if I value my mental health as much as the rest of my health, which I've been trying really hard to do lately.

It's not like I don't have some serious hang-ups about poly. I don't want to hear about Guitarist having sex with other people, details of his sex life are absolutely off the table, despite that I know it's hard for him to reign in the details sometimes. He wants to share things with me because we're best friends and life partners. But just because I don't want to hear everything about his other relationships doesn't make me bad at poly (or so I argue with myself when I feel guilty about it). Or, I won't let other partners use my bed because it freaks me out to a horrible extent to have someone else in my bedroom, my sanctuary. Honestly it's hard enough sharing that space with Guitarist. Again, I probably COULD let other people use the bed, but it would make me completely miserable, so no.

I have mentally beat myself up about these issues extensively even though I have very valid reasons for setting my boundaries where they are. But I don't beat myself up in the same way for shutting down communication when my dad when he's in Narcissist Manipulation Mode. Which is a very similar kind of emotional protection.

Anyway! Not trying to lecture you or anyone else for that matter. I honestly thing it's an interesting topic to think on. I might even bring it up with my counselor after holiday break, if we have time to get to it, and see what she thinks.
 
The woman from OKC did end up messaging me back after all. We've been chatting about various and sundry things. I need to think up name for her here. I have good feelings based on a mad variety of mutual interests, but I'm not yet crushing. Just interested.

She already knows Guitarist. They have met at some of Spice's parties because her husband is dating Spicewife. Rural Midwestern poly is a pretty small world.

Anyway, that's a brief lunchtime update. I need to get back to work. I'm trying to finish this work project before the long weekend strikes, and if I can get it done, MAYBE I can work from home Tuesday.
 
I think you have every reason to be upset with Guitarist. I don't think any adult is entitled to be fully supported--especially for years on end--to pursue their dream. He's had a year or more to work full time at it.

This is coming from someone who makes a living in the arts, largely independently. You absolutely CAN create income in less than a year from music and creating art. I know because I do it.

At this stage, I don't see where he has any incentive to actually make anything happen. Wanting to eat is a powerful motivator to creating income.

As to Pixie, I hope you'll consider things from her perspective. You go home to Guitarist. You have some form of someone always there, someone you feel you can rely on to always be there, for the long haul. She had Quiet and it sounded like it was a good thing for her and the monkeys, and if I understand correctly, it ended largely so she could remain poly and not disappoint or lose you or the couple.

Result: she's largely alone again, with two small children.

My XBF did a lot wrong, in the end. One thing he did right was always SAYING he recognized that he needed to let me go to find someone who would always be there for me as his wife is (supposedly--but that's a different story) always there for him. On the flip side, he discouraged me from pursuing everyone I dated, always finding fault with them, and I realized that despite saying the right things, he preferred to keep me otherwise alone so that I would always be there for him. This isn't true love. He was hindering what was best for me, for his own sake.

If you love Pixie, then think of her needs. She is alone with two small children, and here's someone who wants to be there for her, who she seems to have great feeling for. I hope it works out well for her.
 
I was going to blurb briefly about the woman I'm chatting with from OKC (chatting intermittently, I really like her but I'm having second thoughts about my ability to have a relationship, and I feel like I'm messaging her first all the time which isn't a good sign in my mind), but I'm going to go ahead and get side-tracked.

WhatHappened said:
I think you have every reason to be upset with Guitarist. I don't think any adult is entitled to be fully supported--especially for years on end--to pursue their dream. He's had a year or more to work full time at it.

This is coming from someone who makes a living in the arts, largely independently. You absolutely CAN create income in less than a year from music and creating art. I know because I do it.

At this stage, I don't see where he has any incentive to actually make anything happen. Wanting to eat is a powerful motivator to creating income.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I do get upset at him from time to time when it feels like he isn't pulling his end of our agreement. But like everything else, it was an agreement. I not only agreed but actively encouraged him to work on this, and as long as it feels like he's actually working on it (which he has been lately), and helping keep up with the housework, I'm pretty content with the situation.

He has incentives to make things happen. He's quite ambitious with his music, which is something that always attracted me to him, and I'm also not going to pay his student loans. Even he has said that pressure tends to push him to actually get things done, and he has been feeling pressure lately, and not from me. Just from the way the world is right now. So there are both personal and financial incentives. Since this is mostly a vent space, the positives of our relationship and arrangement might not come off as much as the negative, but they very much exist.

I won't even bring up how he financially and emotionally supported me when I was studying for the bar exam.

Anyway, he's not taking advantage of me. This was a decision we arrived at together, and occasionally re-negotiate together.

WhatHappened said:
As to Pixie, I hope you'll consider things from her perspective. You go home to Guitarist. You have some form of someone always there, someone you feel you can rely on to always be there, for the long haul. She had Quiet and it sounded like it was a good thing for her and the monkeys, and if I understand correctly, it ended largely so she could remain poly and not disappoint or lose you or the couple.

Result: she's largely alone again, with two small children.

My XBF did a lot wrong, in the end. One thing he did right was always SAYING he recognized that he needed to let me go to find someone who would always be there for me as his wife is (supposedly--but that's a different story) always there for him. On the flip side, he discouraged me from pursuing everyone I dated, always finding fault with them, and I realized that despite saying the right things, he preferred to keep me otherwise alone so that I would always be there for him. This isn't true love. He was hindering what was best for me, for his own sake.
Click to expand...

This kind of feels like ancient history at this point, but... you are mistaken regarding why their relationship initially ended. She didn't end it, he ended it because he supposedly couldn't deal with her polyamorous identity. The problems to me with them getting back together were two-fold. The first was that the way she did it felt deceptive and less than above-board, which did a number on my trust, but mostly the fact that she knew it would hurt me but did it anyway.

The second thing is that Purr is a floppy hinge, and always has been, but at that particular time I was not mentally well enough to handle the relationship bleed from what I knew would (again) be a tumultuous relationship. Everything about all of her other relationships spilled over into my relationship constantly, which was typically a struggle for me, but I could handle it, and she really did TRY to keep things contained. But her entire relationship with Quiet after the first month was negative after negative, and it pulled me way down. And then when he ended their relationship, she was disconsolate for months, and there was nothing I could do to help, which pulled me down further. It was one brick on the pile of things that were smothering me, but it was a pretty hefty brick. And at the point she decided to get back together with him, I was seriously struggling, and still am struggling, to get my own mental health back on track. I couldn't deal with her pulling me up and down with her.

So there you have it.

I feel like you are implying that I would not have been happy with her having any primary relationship, period. If that's your assumption, it's wrong. I did frequently consider things from her perspective in that way, and I did and do want her to be able to have a live-in primary if she wanted it. If you go back and read my blog, you'll see that even I initially thought Quiet was the person for that, until he proved he couldn't handle polyamory (according to him, not me, the first time he broke her heart).

WhatHappened said:
If you love Pixie, then think of her needs. She is alone with two small children, and here's someone who wants to be there for her, who she seems to have great feeling for. I hope it works out well for her.
Click to expand...

I hope it works out well for her too. I still love Purr, and she will always have a place in my heart. She is a very warm and giving person, a good mother, and selfless to a fault. But I also love myself enough to recognize when something is going to be unhealthy for me.
 
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