New triad with pre-existant couple, ending or transforming, help?

del5

New member
Hi. So i've been poly since 3-4 years now.
Recently I started a triad with a couple, but let me give you some details.

G is a friend i know since a couple of years ago, but in 2016 we started a master's degree in the same place. We both live in different cities, so we see each other when we go to classes in M city (different from our cities). This year our friendship grew a lot.

Later, in october i started sending mails with his girlfriend "D". We liked each other and flirt a lot.
A weeks after we started ewriting to each other she also went to M city. We went out and kiss. Everything was nice. The next month se went to M city too and one thing let to another so the 3 of us ended up kissing and a lot more.

I never tought of G in that way, because he wasn't poly. (They were opening their relationship but not poly though). But after that, I started seeing him different and started to learn to love him in different ways. I liked the idea of the 3 of us. And the seem to like it too.

We talked about it and we all decided to start a traid, a new relatiosnhip with the 3 of us. It was nice for a month. But a few days ago I received a mail from D telling me it was all too fast and that now she knows she doesnt want that. She wrote we can stay frinds and flirt, but that's all for now. And she also told me she would like to G and me stay as friends too (didn't said anything about the sexual part).

Later when i talked to G, he told me that D was okay with us having a friendship with physical contact (kisses, hugs, but not sex).
But I don't know, she also said she was okay with other stuff, and she changed her mind o realized new things all of a sudden (which I tottaly understand). Should I trust she's confortable with this?

I feel weird. I feel disposable, I know its not like that but you know how feels are. Also i'm angry because it wasn't a conversation, i just felt she "notificated" me without asking who i felt or showing concern on how and what would that mean to me and to G and our relationship.

Have you ever lived something like this? Entering to a relationship with a couple and after 2 months of talk, ilusions and stuff, being told that you cant be there anymore. And having some big feelings for the one who was a very good friend?
(If you don't understand something feel free to ask, english is not my first language).
 
It sounds like the people you were seeing (individually and as a couple) are hitting you with couple privilege. There is no reason why you should not be able to have a relationship with G simply because D doesn't want a relationship with you.

But D is not solely at fault here. It sounds like G is blaming D for limits on his relationship with you. That isn't fair either. D can't limit G's relationship without him agreeing to it.

I was in a triad that started in a similar way. My husband Guitarist started a relationship with Purr. Purr and I became close friends and started a relationship. Then we all had a relationship together. But when Guitarist's relationship with Purr ended, he did NOT try to limit my relationship with Purr. And if he had tried, would not have let him.

You need to be able to talk to D directly. G telling you what D says/wants/etc is triangulation, which is a bad form of communicating. It leads to a lot of uncertainty and resentment.

In my opinion, if you three can't sit down and talk through your relationships and come to a satisfactory conclusion for YOU, you should leave. They (both of them) are treating you as disposable and not respecting you as a person. Maybe ask them both to read the article I linked above (if they also speak English) or go over it with them if they don't.
 
Autumn in winter<3

Hi, Autumn,

Thank you so much for your reply. It was very, very elightening and after a few days of confusion I finally felt understood.

I already read the text of privelege couple, I felt identified with a lot of things there.

I have one question. D told me she realized she didn't want a poly relationship. And I'm sure G is ready for it. Knowing this is, it okay if I show the article to both of them? Even though D just wants an open relationship and is not looking for a third person anymore?
Do you think that one of them can take it badly, like me saying: "look, take this and read it, you did all this to me and you're awful(Although in the text it was specified several times that that privilege didn't mean they being bad people).

I'm just scared. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not making a big deal out of it.

I already started reading your blog, btw.
It's a pleasure getting to know you and your relationships and experiences. :)

D.
 
Hi del5,

Definitely talk to D directly, and find out exactly what's going on. What she does and does not consent to. Your situation is tricky, because poly is based on mutual consent, and the three of you do not all consent to the same thing. You will have to figure out where to draw the line as far as how much say D has in the relationship between you and G. You'll also have to decide if this is a healthy situation for you. Maybe it's not.

If you're willing, keep us posted, so that we can continue to offer advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm glad it helped! Your feelings are absolutely understandable.

I have one question. D told me she realized she didn't want a poly relationship. And I'm sure G is ready for it. Knowing this is, it okay if I show the article to both of them? Even though D just wants an open relationship and is not looking for a third person anymore?
Do you think that one of them can take it badly, like me saying: "look, take this and read it, you did all this to me and you're awful(Although in the text it was specified several times that that privilege didn't mean they being bad people).

Like Kevin said, you absolutely should talk to both of them. I'd recommend showing the article to both of them, maybe giving them some time to digest it, and then coming back to them (with all three of you) to discuss what you want and what the limitations are. That is pretty much how I would approach it: "Please read this, and then I hope we can all talk about it."

Whether they take it badly is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for YOUR emotions, not their emotions. It may concern you, and it should, because if G takes it badly (not just with surprise, but being opposed to the core position in the article--that you have rights and feelings, too), or D takes it badly and G accepts her concerns as legitimate but not yours, it is a big Red Flag for how G might treat you in the future.

If D continues to try to limit your relationship with G though, trying to maintain a relationship with G is probably going to lead to a lot of frustration and tears.

I'm just scared. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not making a big deal out of it.

You aren't making it a big deal. This is extremely important to your future happiness in this relationship and whether you can continue. That is a big deal.

I already started reading your blog, btw.
It's a pleasure getting to know you and your relationships and experiences. :)

Aww thanks! I'm wishing you a lot of luck, and I also hope you keep us updated.
 
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