The story of Spork.
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Spork
Active member
I will, and you can feel free to take up as much space as you like here. I like it when other folks post here, though it should bear mention that's an invitation to me to also respond and write all sorts of word-walls, too!
But if it is part of your story, then it's probably good that it be placed in your blog, just for sense and clarity.
Here is hoping we all get to whatever (hopefully) happier place we wish to reach, as we journey and learn and grow, hey?
I'll go read yours now.
Spork
Active member
Read your entry, KC.
I'm glad that you are standing up for your needs and putting energy into your happiness. I can definitely see how the things you describe would be hard to untangle, defuse, and heal.
Thought for today...
I've seen much on the internet, especially in "male vs female" discussions (which I have come to not like, I had sort of grown past them but kept encountering them still...) where things go back to this discussion of our basic natures. Breeding and evolutionary strategy, hunters versus gatherers, and all that. And the problem with that is...while we can say, "there is a primitively wired tendency to behave like thus because our species evolved like so" an AWFUL lot of that shit just isn't relevant to present day humanity. Unless we really want to go back to that? I feel too often it is held up as this "Well, this is the way the laws of nature and the world around you work, it sucks but you have to just deal with it." And if you don't care much for that answer, then you are a "special snowflake" who expects gentle treatment from a cruel world and can't accept reality. This, ironically, according to my ex, who cannot function in the real adult world without a woman holding his hand and managing his life, and who fantasizes about a dystopian reality in which his existence has value and meaning. Who is a special snowflake again? Afraid to leave your garage and go into the world, because you don't trust women...who is it now that needs a safe space?
Anyways, I'm on a tangent here. The thing is, we have to intellectually differentiate an idea from an attitude:
- This behavior is observable, because it is how we evolved.
OK, well maybe. Sure.
- This is the inevitable outcome of our interactions because "other people" are locked in cave man mode and expecting any better from anyone is being unrealistic.
BULLSHIT. Defeatist, dismissive of our awesome potential, and absolutely fucking garbage crap. I won't accept that mindset. I will not.
And it comes down to that, I think, when we have interactions that hurt us, and when we internalize the damage and callouses form. And I am not by any means talking about women as victims of male behavior alone. Not remotely! A human is hurt, builds walls, institutionalizes the harmful actions of others that caused the hurt, acts defensively in future interactions, causing lack of love and connection in new relationships (that had the potential to be literally ANYTHING) and damages new interactions, resulting in sabotage and failure and more hurt, damage to the self, and more defensiveness towards others, rinse and repeat. I see women doing this and men doing this.
Every time a man tries to analyze why a woman has rejected his romantic or sexual interest, and he figures that "women want" this, that, and the other thing that he is not...both judging himself and blaming the shallow natures of females...
Every time a woman tries to analyze any of half a dozen hurts she feels and comes to the conclusion that men are this or that, can't be trusted, or that she herself isn't deserving of love from them...both judging herself and blaming the shallow natures of males...
When in fact all the humans are capable of being, and probably ARE, deep and complex puzzles made up of so much more than our most primitive urges and desires.
Within a woman is so much more than a need to have material security and a protector for her young. She is responding to social cues and family messages and interactions with other humans and chemicals and responsibilities and everything that has made up her life. Maybe knowing this, is why I get so damned upset at people who can look at any woman as nothing more than a collection of parts.
But actually, I have in conversations with more than one man, including Zen, touched lightly upon a deeper truth...that in fact, they aren't doing that. Even when looking at women they will never get to know, even in looking at screens and strippers, there is more going on in their minds than a basic visual trigger of an arousal response. I wish that more men had let me in on the "more" sooner in my life. But I get the feeling they don't think about it too much, let alone talk about it.
Because men also want more than just to sow their seed into as many fertile female bodies as possible and are responding to far more complex sets of factors than just that basic reproductive urge. They are also functioning in these complex narratives made up of what messages they got from their parents and their lifetime of associations and their culture, stress and responsibilities, chemicals and hormones.
We're all quite a lot more complex than basic oversimplified evolutionary biology caveman bullshit would paint us to be. For me, it is seeing and respecting that complexity in all of us, that allows me to have positive and trusting and accepting interactions with other humans, AND to be accepting of myself. The idea that we live in an inevitable reality full of two dimensional humans who aren't capable of breaking a rather oppressive and limiting narrative...I don't want to buy it. And really, I don't. It helps an awful lot when I get affirmations and reminders of how we are so much more than that, that the people who love me SEE my "more" and that they are an awful lot MORE themselves. That love is real because we are more.
Usually I don't buy it, the "caveman" narrative. When I am being my better self, someone who is confident and feeling empowered to live her life, happy in love and not fighting dark things. I wish that I could forever banish the gremlins. I don't know why sometimes they just come up and get a hold of me and it seems like they find the weak spots in my personal armor... To do my thing of colorfully building an image of my concept here, a metaphor, if anyone has seen The Maxx? 90's MTV animated show? I know Zen has. This stuff is like a big pack of Isz. They get a hold of me and try to drag me underground, and it takes me a while to smash free of them and go running free across the Outback again.
Next I'll write a post about stuff that is outside of my head...to be continued...
I'm glad that you are standing up for your needs and putting energy into your happiness. I can definitely see how the things you describe would be hard to untangle, defuse, and heal.
Thought for today...
I've seen much on the internet, especially in "male vs female" discussions (which I have come to not like, I had sort of grown past them but kept encountering them still...) where things go back to this discussion of our basic natures. Breeding and evolutionary strategy, hunters versus gatherers, and all that. And the problem with that is...while we can say, "there is a primitively wired tendency to behave like thus because our species evolved like so" an AWFUL lot of that shit just isn't relevant to present day humanity. Unless we really want to go back to that? I feel too often it is held up as this "Well, this is the way the laws of nature and the world around you work, it sucks but you have to just deal with it." And if you don't care much for that answer, then you are a "special snowflake" who expects gentle treatment from a cruel world and can't accept reality. This, ironically, according to my ex, who cannot function in the real adult world without a woman holding his hand and managing his life, and who fantasizes about a dystopian reality in which his existence has value and meaning. Who is a special snowflake again? Afraid to leave your garage and go into the world, because you don't trust women...who is it now that needs a safe space?
Anyways, I'm on a tangent here. The thing is, we have to intellectually differentiate an idea from an attitude:
- This behavior is observable, because it is how we evolved.
OK, well maybe. Sure.
- This is the inevitable outcome of our interactions because "other people" are locked in cave man mode and expecting any better from anyone is being unrealistic.
BULLSHIT. Defeatist, dismissive of our awesome potential, and absolutely fucking garbage crap. I won't accept that mindset. I will not.
And it comes down to that, I think, when we have interactions that hurt us, and when we internalize the damage and callouses form. And I am not by any means talking about women as victims of male behavior alone. Not remotely! A human is hurt, builds walls, institutionalizes the harmful actions of others that caused the hurt, acts defensively in future interactions, causing lack of love and connection in new relationships (that had the potential to be literally ANYTHING) and damages new interactions, resulting in sabotage and failure and more hurt, damage to the self, and more defensiveness towards others, rinse and repeat. I see women doing this and men doing this.
Every time a man tries to analyze why a woman has rejected his romantic or sexual interest, and he figures that "women want" this, that, and the other thing that he is not...both judging himself and blaming the shallow natures of females...
Every time a woman tries to analyze any of half a dozen hurts she feels and comes to the conclusion that men are this or that, can't be trusted, or that she herself isn't deserving of love from them...both judging herself and blaming the shallow natures of males...
When in fact all the humans are capable of being, and probably ARE, deep and complex puzzles made up of so much more than our most primitive urges and desires.
Within a woman is so much more than a need to have material security and a protector for her young. She is responding to social cues and family messages and interactions with other humans and chemicals and responsibilities and everything that has made up her life. Maybe knowing this, is why I get so damned upset at people who can look at any woman as nothing more than a collection of parts.
But actually, I have in conversations with more than one man, including Zen, touched lightly upon a deeper truth...that in fact, they aren't doing that. Even when looking at women they will never get to know, even in looking at screens and strippers, there is more going on in their minds than a basic visual trigger of an arousal response. I wish that more men had let me in on the "more" sooner in my life. But I get the feeling they don't think about it too much, let alone talk about it.
Because men also want more than just to sow their seed into as many fertile female bodies as possible and are responding to far more complex sets of factors than just that basic reproductive urge. They are also functioning in these complex narratives made up of what messages they got from their parents and their lifetime of associations and their culture, stress and responsibilities, chemicals and hormones.
We're all quite a lot more complex than basic oversimplified evolutionary biology caveman bullshit would paint us to be. For me, it is seeing and respecting that complexity in all of us, that allows me to have positive and trusting and accepting interactions with other humans, AND to be accepting of myself. The idea that we live in an inevitable reality full of two dimensional humans who aren't capable of breaking a rather oppressive and limiting narrative...I don't want to buy it. And really, I don't. It helps an awful lot when I get affirmations and reminders of how we are so much more than that, that the people who love me SEE my "more" and that they are an awful lot MORE themselves. That love is real because we are more.
Usually I don't buy it, the "caveman" narrative. When I am being my better self, someone who is confident and feeling empowered to live her life, happy in love and not fighting dark things. I wish that I could forever banish the gremlins. I don't know why sometimes they just come up and get a hold of me and it seems like they find the weak spots in my personal armor... To do my thing of colorfully building an image of my concept here, a metaphor, if anyone has seen The Maxx? 90's MTV animated show? I know Zen has. This stuff is like a big pack of Isz. They get a hold of me and try to drag me underground, and it takes me a while to smash free of them and go running free across the Outback again.
Next I'll write a post about stuff that is outside of my head...to be continued...
Spork
Active member
So checking in with reality, my gynecologist invited me to go march downtown against trump today, and I'm not going to.
Reasons I want to:
- My strong anti trump feelings and desire to express solidarity with women flipping him the bird.
- The fact that I'd really like to either connect with other women I know and like, and hang out, or get to know my gynecologist better because she seems pretty damned cool.
- The fact that it's a beautiful sunny day to be outside.
- The fact that I need exercise and walking seems like a good idea.
Reasons I am not:
- I have some incredibly important work and errands that MUST get done today, and getting off my ass has already been difficult enough so far this morning (how in the shit is it nearly 11:00 already?)
- I am concerned that if violence or arrests result, I could be caught up in it, and I haven't the money for a legal defense, nor the parenting support for my kid, to risk that.
And mainly...for me, it feels more meaningful to get on with my life despite trump and his regime, do the things I need to do, to build the future I want to live in (some important financial errands for instance) and to just watch and speak against him as I may rather than putting myself bodily at risk and interrupting my life and putting my energy into REACTING by disrupting the things that benefit me and mine. Like if I sent my rent money to some anti trump org, and wound up on the street, would that be a "win" for my cause? Not really. More of a "lose" for me personally.
Off to go Do The Things. Hope everyone is safe and good. My thoughts are with Reverie today, and all the women who are marching. I'm defying him in my own way, by solidifying my own position, but I still think you are awesome!
Reasons I want to:
- My strong anti trump feelings and desire to express solidarity with women flipping him the bird.
- The fact that I'd really like to either connect with other women I know and like, and hang out, or get to know my gynecologist better because she seems pretty damned cool.
- The fact that it's a beautiful sunny day to be outside.
- The fact that I need exercise and walking seems like a good idea.
Reasons I am not:
- I have some incredibly important work and errands that MUST get done today, and getting off my ass has already been difficult enough so far this morning (how in the shit is it nearly 11:00 already?)
- I am concerned that if violence or arrests result, I could be caught up in it, and I haven't the money for a legal defense, nor the parenting support for my kid, to risk that.
And mainly...for me, it feels more meaningful to get on with my life despite trump and his regime, do the things I need to do, to build the future I want to live in (some important financial errands for instance) and to just watch and speak against him as I may rather than putting myself bodily at risk and interrupting my life and putting my energy into REACTING by disrupting the things that benefit me and mine. Like if I sent my rent money to some anti trump org, and wound up on the street, would that be a "win" for my cause? Not really. More of a "lose" for me personally.
Off to go Do The Things. Hope everyone is safe and good. My thoughts are with Reverie today, and all the women who are marching. I'm defying him in my own way, by solidifying my own position, but I still think you are awesome!
Spork
Active member
A better way to put my feelings on why I kinda didn't want to march, even though I also kinda DID want to march...
The impulse that held me back was a very "don't feed the trolls" feeling. Like if I put too much of my own time and energy into a reaction, especially at the risk of my own personal expense, then they are "winning" somehow. I want to find ways to make a difference that matter more than the loud and frequent expression of my opinion, whether online or in person...my gut is telling me there's got to be something more meaningful to be done...
Misty Plowright ran for office. Maybe I should run for office. Or work in support of good candidates. Like my heart is telling me that marching is not enough, something bigger needs to be done. I would like to see women start running at every level of government in overwhelming numbers. I see a lot of uncontested positions on every ballot when I vote. I want that to change. I'm wondering, how hard is it really, to run for some elected position...even at a local level...? I like people, and people like me, that alone puts me at an advantage in politics over a lot of folks I know who would rather not have to talk to other humans at all if they could avoid it.
I dunno.
Got a lot done this weekend. And as it often is, when I accomplish a lot of things, I might be able to keep that momentum going to continue being productive, feeling more capable with every THING I simply DO instead of weaseling about being lazy and excusing myself from my responsibilities. A Spork in motion will continue to be in motion, a Spork at rest will continue to be at rest, and all that sort of thing.
Looking forward to sexytime with my Zen tonight. Thinking about how to balance the rather basic stuff that I feel a need for, with some of the things I would like to do for and with him...I need to get better and less awkward talking about the sex things face to face with him. Frankly I am more grateful than I can say, that he's got it in him to be, as he puts it, "in control" (exhibiting Dominant sexual behaviors) because that helps me break some of my inhibitions or channel things that are otherwise challenging into an area that I can enjoy. It's like if he's in charge, I can give myself permission to enjoy things more. I don't overthink stuff. But I cannot expect him to read my mind, and if I'm going to feel an attack of "shy for no reason" when he asks me what I'm in the mood for, before we get started...
I should write to him, not here. It's easier for me to write my thoughts than to speak them aloud. Thank goodness for the written word, I do not know what I'd do without it...
So it's a busy week of extracurricular activities. Zen today, Zen tomorrow. Stripper party on Wednesday... ...subs discussion group Thursday, which reminds me I was supposed to be looking into donating stuff to the homeless and calling hotels to see if any would donate old blankets or hotel soap or whatever, so I should probably get on that (an activity suggested for the group to do to serve the community)... a possible excursion to a local bar on Friday, two parties competing for Saturday.
But what I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to, is Feb 11. There is an "Angels and Demons" themed play party. I hope there are photographers. There had better be, seriously. It wouldn't be right if there weren't. And I am good...really, REALLY good...at doing the demon thing. I have so much demon costume gear.
What would be kind of funny and awesome, because everyone KNOWS that I have lots of cool demon costume gear (it's my profile pic on fetlife, one of my demon costume efforts, and I've worn it to a couple of parties)...so what would rule, is if I flipped the script and surprised everyone by going as an Angel. Or even found a way to perpetrate a costume change and do both. A Devil in Angel's clothing??
OH OH... I need to talk to the Voodoo people about bringing my lambskin rugs for photo shoots with the "Angels." And if I can wrangle up some music, like a combination of churchy chanting and gothy devil music. I totally have some gothy devil music. muahahaha...yesh...I could have a lot of fun with this theme.
The impulse that held me back was a very "don't feed the trolls" feeling. Like if I put too much of my own time and energy into a reaction, especially at the risk of my own personal expense, then they are "winning" somehow. I want to find ways to make a difference that matter more than the loud and frequent expression of my opinion, whether online or in person...my gut is telling me there's got to be something more meaningful to be done...
Misty Plowright ran for office. Maybe I should run for office. Or work in support of good candidates. Like my heart is telling me that marching is not enough, something bigger needs to be done. I would like to see women start running at every level of government in overwhelming numbers. I see a lot of uncontested positions on every ballot when I vote. I want that to change. I'm wondering, how hard is it really, to run for some elected position...even at a local level...? I like people, and people like me, that alone puts me at an advantage in politics over a lot of folks I know who would rather not have to talk to other humans at all if they could avoid it.
I dunno.
Got a lot done this weekend. And as it often is, when I accomplish a lot of things, I might be able to keep that momentum going to continue being productive, feeling more capable with every THING I simply DO instead of weaseling about being lazy and excusing myself from my responsibilities. A Spork in motion will continue to be in motion, a Spork at rest will continue to be at rest, and all that sort of thing.
Looking forward to sexytime with my Zen tonight. Thinking about how to balance the rather basic stuff that I feel a need for, with some of the things I would like to do for and with him...I need to get better and less awkward talking about the sex things face to face with him. Frankly I am more grateful than I can say, that he's got it in him to be, as he puts it, "in control" (exhibiting Dominant sexual behaviors) because that helps me break some of my inhibitions or channel things that are otherwise challenging into an area that I can enjoy. It's like if he's in charge, I can give myself permission to enjoy things more. I don't overthink stuff. But I cannot expect him to read my mind, and if I'm going to feel an attack of "shy for no reason" when he asks me what I'm in the mood for, before we get started...
I should write to him, not here. It's easier for me to write my thoughts than to speak them aloud. Thank goodness for the written word, I do not know what I'd do without it...
So it's a busy week of extracurricular activities. Zen today, Zen tomorrow. Stripper party on Wednesday...
...subs discussion group Thursday, which reminds me I was supposed to be looking into donating stuff to the homeless and calling hotels to see if any would donate old blankets or hotel soap or whatever, so I should probably get on that (an activity suggested for the group to do to serve the community)... a possible excursion to a local bar on Friday, two parties competing for Saturday.But what I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to, is Feb 11. There is an "Angels and Demons" themed play party. I hope there are photographers. There had better be, seriously. It wouldn't be right if there weren't. And I am good...really, REALLY good...at doing the demon thing. I have so much demon costume gear.
What would be kind of funny and awesome, because everyone KNOWS that I have lots of cool demon costume gear (it's my profile pic on fetlife, one of my demon costume efforts, and I've worn it to a couple of parties)...so what would rule, is if I flipped the script and surprised everyone by going as an Angel. Or even found a way to perpetrate a costume change and do both. A Devil in Angel's clothing??
OH OH... I need to talk to the Voodoo people about bringing my lambskin rugs for photo shoots with the "Angels." And if I can wrangle up some music, like a combination of churchy chanting and gothy devil music. I totally have some gothy devil music. muahahaha...yesh...I could have a lot of fun with this theme.
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Spork
Active member
1. Re-reading what I wrote earlier "more women running for office." Wait, no, strike that, it's wrong. More good people running for office. Much better.
I don't like all women, I didn't have any love for Hillary...I wish trumpus wasn't our prezzie but I'm a little glad that Hill-dawg isn't our first female pres, because I don't think she's all that great frankly. Like, while I don't agree with every single thing he has done, Obama was a good prez overall in my opinion. Shit was a mess in 2008 and it got better. My lot, when it comes to big overall systemic "prosperity" things, improved during Obama's time. I think he was alright. And his personality and his family are lovely. I wish I'd seen more of his humor and personable tendencies during the entire course of the last 8, than I did in the last 6 months or so. So him being remembered, with the extra weight of "first black American president" I am quite fine with this.
I could do without installing the same family with the same scandals as we had with Billyboy, back into DC, and I think as first female presidents go, America could find better than Hillary Clinton. And we should. But regardless of gender, hell, I wish we had elected Bernie, wish it with all my heart, and we need more elected people like him at every level, male or female. He seems to have his head on straight, "socialist" or no. He seems to have a good idea of what's right and what isn't. I'd like more of that in our government. Basic human decency. Seems it shouldn't be too much to ask. And yet...
.........
2. So I have now a bit of a health concern to concern me. Sort of. My doc detected by touch what she said was a "thyroid nodule" when I was in last week. So part of my blood work was a thyroid test. Which came back (they called today) "elevated." I am scheduled with the radiology folks for an ultrasound of it on Wednesday, and with all of this of course, as a modern internet user, I've gone to the Googles to see what is next.
So the test they will almost certainly wish to do, and they'll tell me to follow up with someone and schedule, is a "fine needle aspiration biopsy."
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
NOPE.
No one. Is coming anywhere near. My neck. With a long motherfucking needle. Unless I am rendered unconscious and therefore not able to defend myself. First.
Reviews of the procedure range from "really no big deal" to "the worst pain of my life, the kind of pain you WOULD wish on your worst enemy." Like 4 or 5 needle jabs into your freaking throat. Ohhhhhhh....so, so much nope.
Oh, so symptoms of hyperthyroidism include nervousness, rapid heartbeat, and sweating, FUNNY, that is exactly what it feels like whenever I contemplate this test.
But you know... Thyroid nodules are fairly common especially with women. Surgery is not required unless it's cancerous, OR interferes with breathing or swallowing. The biopsy's sole purpose is to determine if it is cancerous. 5% of them are. FIVE PERCENT. Yeah, ya know, with those odds...95% that it's not cancer... I'm not feeling a strong need to subject myself to this needle shit. Kind of thinking maybe I'll hold off, and take my chances. Or something. I don't know. I wish I could talk a doc into knocking me out for it. I know people who get general anesthesia for teeth cleanings for fucks sakes. I'd never. I got a root canal under local. But this...
I can't. Don't wanna. Scared. No.
I don't like all women, I didn't have any love for Hillary...I wish trumpus wasn't our prezzie but I'm a little glad that Hill-dawg isn't our first female pres, because I don't think she's all that great frankly. Like, while I don't agree with every single thing he has done, Obama was a good prez overall in my opinion. Shit was a mess in 2008 and it got better. My lot, when it comes to big overall systemic "prosperity" things, improved during Obama's time. I think he was alright. And his personality and his family are lovely. I wish I'd seen more of his humor and personable tendencies during the entire course of the last 8, than I did in the last 6 months or so. So him being remembered, with the extra weight of "first black American president" I am quite fine with this.
I could do without installing the same family with the same scandals as we had with Billyboy, back into DC, and I think as first female presidents go, America could find better than Hillary Clinton. And we should. But regardless of gender, hell, I wish we had elected Bernie, wish it with all my heart, and we need more elected people like him at every level, male or female. He seems to have his head on straight, "socialist" or no. He seems to have a good idea of what's right and what isn't. I'd like more of that in our government. Basic human decency. Seems it shouldn't be too much to ask. And yet...
.........
2. So I have now a bit of a health concern to concern me. Sort of. My doc detected by touch what she said was a "thyroid nodule" when I was in last week. So part of my blood work was a thyroid test. Which came back (they called today) "elevated." I am scheduled with the radiology folks for an ultrasound of it on Wednesday, and with all of this of course, as a modern internet user, I've gone to the Googles to see what is next.
So the test they will almost certainly wish to do, and they'll tell me to follow up with someone and schedule, is a "fine needle aspiration biopsy."
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
NOPE.
No one. Is coming anywhere near. My neck. With a long motherfucking needle. Unless I am rendered unconscious and therefore not able to defend myself. First.
Reviews of the procedure range from "really no big deal" to "the worst pain of my life, the kind of pain you WOULD wish on your worst enemy." Like 4 or 5 needle jabs into your freaking throat. Ohhhhhhh....so, so much nope.
Oh, so symptoms of hyperthyroidism include nervousness, rapid heartbeat, and sweating, FUNNY, that is exactly what it feels like whenever I contemplate this test.
But you know... Thyroid nodules are fairly common especially with women. Surgery is not required unless it's cancerous, OR interferes with breathing or swallowing. The biopsy's sole purpose is to determine if it is cancerous. 5% of them are. FIVE PERCENT. Yeah, ya know, with those odds...95% that it's not cancer... I'm not feeling a strong need to subject myself to this needle shit. Kind of thinking maybe I'll hold off, and take my chances. Or something. I don't know. I wish I could talk a doc into knocking me out for it. I know people who get general anesthesia for teeth cleanings for fucks sakes. I'd never. I got a root canal under local. But this...
I can't. Don't wanna. Scared. No.
FeatherFool
New member
I hope you don't mind if I bring up a somewhat older post- the one you made discussing "the caveman narrative", but I had thoughts...
So, I work quite a bit with animals. I work in an animal research lab that has a strong focus on ethology and genetic behaviours, and I also do a bit of behaviour consulting here and there for people who have exotic animals (parrots, emus, monkeys, etc). I've done this on and off for ten years. I've gone all over North America taking courses and classes, and recently, giving courses and classes on animal training and behaviour.
I know, what has this to do with cavemen and relationships? I'm getting there.
So, one of the things I am a HUGE proponent of is ethical animal training. You would be surprised at how many parrot owners think it's appropriate to smack their bird in the face if it bites them, etc. One of the first things I often have to do is debunk the "natural method":
Idiot Parrot Owner: I hit my bird in the beak when he bites because another bird would bite him if he did to them what he did to me! Pain is a natural way of communicating for parrots!
Have you ever seen "Night at the Museum" with Ben Stiller? There is this wonderful scene where a Capuchin monkey has stolen Stiller's keys, and won't give them back. When Stiller tries to retrieve them, the monkey slaps him in the face. So he slaps the monkey back. Monkey slaps him. He slaps the monkey.
Robin Williams walks in on this, and says "Good Lord, Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?"
To this, Stiller replies "Teddy, this guy has been pushing me and pushing me all day!"
Williams says something along the lines of "This gentle creature is our cousin in this world. He needs to be treated with kindness and respect."
Stiller: "But..."
Williams: "Who is evolved, Lawrence? Who is evolved?"
... just because it may be "natural" doesn't mean we can't find a better way, evolved sentient creatures that we are. We are brilliant, adaptable animals. It's up to us to take the higher road, and choose to treat each other- whatever species we might be- with respect.
And also, I second your needlenope!!! Yeesh. Good luck with that
So, I work quite a bit with animals. I work in an animal research lab that has a strong focus on ethology and genetic behaviours, and I also do a bit of behaviour consulting here and there for people who have exotic animals (parrots, emus, monkeys, etc). I've done this on and off for ten years. I've gone all over North America taking courses and classes, and recently, giving courses and classes on animal training and behaviour.
I know, what has this to do with cavemen and relationships? I'm getting there.
So, one of the things I am a HUGE proponent of is ethical animal training. You would be surprised at how many parrot owners think it's appropriate to smack their bird in the face if it bites them, etc. One of the first things I often have to do is debunk the "natural method":
Idiot Parrot Owner: I hit my bird in the beak when he bites because another bird would bite him if he did to them what he did to me! Pain is a natural way of communicating for parrots!
Have you ever seen "Night at the Museum" with Ben Stiller? There is this wonderful scene where a Capuchin monkey has stolen Stiller's keys, and won't give them back. When Stiller tries to retrieve them, the monkey slaps him in the face. So he slaps the monkey back. Monkey slaps him. He slaps the monkey.
Robin Williams walks in on this, and says "Good Lord, Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?"
To this, Stiller replies "Teddy, this guy has been pushing me and pushing me all day!"
Williams says something along the lines of "This gentle creature is our cousin in this world. He needs to be treated with kindness and respect."
Stiller: "But..."
Williams: "Who is evolved, Lawrence? Who is evolved?"
... just because it may be "natural" doesn't mean we can't find a better way, evolved sentient creatures that we are. We are brilliant, adaptable animals. It's up to us to take the higher road, and choose to treat each other- whatever species we might be- with respect.
And also, I second your needlenope!!! Yeesh. Good luck with that
FeatherFool
New member
*LE GASP* My post was the 666th reply to your blog, Spork! Mua hahahaaa!
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
Spork, biopsies are NO fun. While I would never presume one way or another if you should do it ( I'm an oncology nurse so I know just enough to be dangerous), would you be able to put the very small possibility out of your mind if you don't know for sure?
Spork
Active member
RE Featherfool #666: The Comment of the Beast.
Which was about beasts.
Great. I shall now have an Iron Maiden song in my head today. Actually...that doesn't suck, they're pretty cool.
First of all...
I have come to a conclusion in all of this. Sexual confidence is important. I would almost say that it's "everything." Looking back at the history of my love life, the higher my sexual confidence, the better experiences I had, the more openly and freely I loved, the more I was loved, and the happier I have been. When my sexual confidence suffers for any reason, I become inhibited, I second guess every bit of my own desire, and it's a libido and sex life killer.
With previous partners, if I felt an internal thought process problem that shook my sexual confidence, I would avoid it, not discuss it, and just suffer and feel miserable. I would often fade out on the relationship if it were any but my marriage, and in my marriage, I faded out on our sexual involvement...which created the "death spiral" where my hesitation and avoidance hurt him and he didn't know the reasons for it, and lectured me, which made me feel more diminished and less confident, rinse repeat. Regardless, outcomes weren't good.
What I am doing now is very different. I am not avoiding my stuff. I'm trying to DEAL WITH IT. That's relatively new for me. Part of me feels that all of my discussion about my sensitivities regarding the porn/strippers subject may have pricked Zen's sexual confidence somewhat, that is what I'm afraid of, that he will feel judged or hurt by the things I have said, and that is the sort of thing I have to be careful of. We talk here about speaking your own truth and letting your partner handle whatever feelings they have...and while it may SEEM compassionate, to think "well I won't say anything about my issues because it might make him feel this or that unpleasant feeling, and I love him and don't want him to feel a bad feeling because of me and my shit"... Doing that is why I avoided stuff. It's not only fear of conflict or confrontation, it's this perpetual guesswork of what will go on in other people's minds if I say or do this thing or that thing. While being conscientious like that isn't something I wish to abandon, I have to balance it carefully because letting unspoken stuff sit unchallenged in me can potentially cause greater harm in my relationships. I love Zen so, so much. I love him enough to want to be real with him.
So. Confidence. Zen and I are doing some stuff to work on my areas of difficulty. Mostly I want to take the concept that I had reinforced with bad feelings, feelings of being inadequate and lonely and all...and experience the media in conjunction with positive reinforcements, basic reconditioning. Our little experiment last night did not render me a raving fan of porn, but I did not feel bad things. For me, that is a win. I would say that my reaction to the media was neutral, but to Zen, was positive. I feel very loved and very, VERY fortunate to have a man who is willing to be so patient and kind in working with me to overcome my stuff.
And I remain grateful to my community, too. Doing the things at parties occasionally, also increases my sexual confidence. Just being unclothed in a safe environment in front of other people makes me more confident and happy in my own skin. It is a matter of "I was vulnerable and nothing bad happened." Over and over.
And regarding the "caveman" theories about human sexuality that proliferate (unfortunately) in discussions everywhere... This reconditioning about porn for instance is a shift from feeling that there is no room for a real, complex, loving relationship, with a man who likes and wants that (bad code written by my ex, along with other negative sexual socialization from earlier life)....erasing THAT and instead making it so that I can think of it as the same as a toy that my lover and I play with. Just another thing that helps us to feel good. Not an infinite supply of other women doing everything he wishes I would do or being what he wishes I could be. That in a complex, layered, human, loving relationship, we can both be looking at whatever is on a screen, but we are present with one another. We are HERE with one another, being real, together. My love isn't...trying to escape me because I'm not what he wants me to be. He's right there with me.
So. That is good.
Now in a bridge between that topic and the next one here, I must say that my questioning (as I often do) if there was a chemical component to my distress when I was writing some of my really unhappy ruminations on the subject and feeling depressive and anxious about things...which was right around the week of my Birthday, more or less... So now looking at this whole thyroid business:
At my last dr. visit (bit over a year ago) she said my calcium levels in my blood were high. "monitor" She said this time around that "by the way" it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with diet. And I used to have weird night sweats but I haven't in quite a while. I chalked that up to the fact that at that time I was severely stressed and smoking a lot, and I quit smoking, so I figured that was part of what changed. I told her that recently, I had about a week of mood swings and depressive/anxious stuff...which (I don't think I shared this information here, but I think it is relevant now) was followed, no sooner did I feel emotionally better, I had a bit of spotting (blood between periods) and breast tenderness. This tells me that whatever was happening likely was related to hormonal shifts.
Now. I have been told by my mother all my life that every woman (EVERY ONE) for time out of mind, on her side of the family, as thyroid problems. That I had to make sure to get that checked at every doctor's appointment. And I am an anomaly in that I am small, when all of the other women in the family (both sides) gained a lot of weight after having kids. I'm 5'3" and 120 lbs...most of my female relatives are shorter than me and weigh at least twice as much. I don't exercise that much and I eat whatever I want, which is sometimes very "snacky" (picking at food, can't eat big meals but hungry often) and sometimes I get stretches of time where I'm hungrier and eat more...but my diet is high in fats and carbs and sugars. I don't even like plants very much, and won't touch anything with the word, "salad" remotely attached to it.
So putting the puzzle together, I have probably always had an overactive thyroid, but maybe it wasn't always detectable or something, but my metabolism is not normal for my family, though thyroid issues of some sort, are. I didn't used to get checked often anyways. And since the thyroid produces hormones that affect pretty much everything...digestion, metabolism, weight gain and loss, skin, brain, you name it... I think that a lot of the little signals I've noticed throughout my lifetime might be related to that. Maybe. Anyhow I don't think that our bodies' various systems operate in a vacuum. A biochemical disturbance is a biochemical disturbance. At least I'm perceptive enough to notice and think about it, though I don't want to presume causation too much.
So. Prognosis. Based on my research, with regard to this "nodule." They can ascertain via ultrasound if it is a fluid filled cyst or another sort of growth, fine, I shall let them do that. But the biopsy's sole purpose is to determine if I'm one of the 5% who have a malignant (cancerous) thing going on. If so, then we're looking at surgery. If not, then they may use radioactive iodine to try and shrink it, which will impair or cease my thyroid's natural functions, and then I'll be on thyroid meds the rest of my life (like all the other women in my fam-damn-ily.) My mother's voice in my head, "It just means you're one of us!" Shut up, Mom. So if it fails to shrink or stabilize and if it gets bigger, particularly if it begins to impair breathing or swallowing, then we do surgery to remove it. Now, the c-word is scary of course (*nods to Magdlyn* <3 ) but as cancers go, thyroid cancer is not that big a thing, it's one of the most successfully curable cancers there is, in the small percentage of people who even have it. I'm guessing that is partly because it can't really be let to go very far before detection, since once a "nodule" grows to a point you can't breathe or swallow. You're gonna have to get it removed.
So...
test> Cancer positive> surgery.
test> Cancer negative> meds/monitor> thing grows> surgery.
test> Cancer negative> meds/monitor> thing shrinks/stabilizes> continue meds/monitor, act as needed, for life.
(At least the meds are cheap, or so says my Mom.) I mean frankly, I'm feeling like, if it IS cancer, won't it grow? Like can't we just watch it via ultrasound for a while and see, and decide to operate or not, and like skip the whole needle test business?? Frankly, I just can't see myself doing that biopsy thing without general anesthesia. And we know from my tubal ligation, I respond well to it, there weren't any bad reactions or problems with it. I don't think I can do the thing if I'm awake, if it absolutely must be done. So we'll see, I guess.
Which was about beasts.
Great. I shall now have an Iron Maiden song in my head today. Actually...that doesn't suck, they're pretty cool.
First of all...
I have come to a conclusion in all of this. Sexual confidence is important. I would almost say that it's "everything." Looking back at the history of my love life, the higher my sexual confidence, the better experiences I had, the more openly and freely I loved, the more I was loved, and the happier I have been. When my sexual confidence suffers for any reason, I become inhibited, I second guess every bit of my own desire, and it's a libido and sex life killer.
With previous partners, if I felt an internal thought process problem that shook my sexual confidence, I would avoid it, not discuss it, and just suffer and feel miserable. I would often fade out on the relationship if it were any but my marriage, and in my marriage, I faded out on our sexual involvement...which created the "death spiral" where my hesitation and avoidance hurt him and he didn't know the reasons for it, and lectured me, which made me feel more diminished and less confident, rinse repeat. Regardless, outcomes weren't good.
What I am doing now is very different. I am not avoiding my stuff. I'm trying to DEAL WITH IT. That's relatively new for me. Part of me feels that all of my discussion about my sensitivities regarding the porn/strippers subject may have pricked Zen's sexual confidence somewhat, that is what I'm afraid of, that he will feel judged or hurt by the things I have said, and that is the sort of thing I have to be careful of. We talk here about speaking your own truth and letting your partner handle whatever feelings they have...and while it may SEEM compassionate, to think "well I won't say anything about my issues because it might make him feel this or that unpleasant feeling, and I love him and don't want him to feel a bad feeling because of me and my shit"... Doing that is why I avoided stuff. It's not only fear of conflict or confrontation, it's this perpetual guesswork of what will go on in other people's minds if I say or do this thing or that thing. While being conscientious like that isn't something I wish to abandon, I have to balance it carefully because letting unspoken stuff sit unchallenged in me can potentially cause greater harm in my relationships. I love Zen so, so much. I love him enough to want to be real with him.
So. Confidence. Zen and I are doing some stuff to work on my areas of difficulty. Mostly I want to take the concept that I had reinforced with bad feelings, feelings of being inadequate and lonely and all...and experience the media in conjunction with positive reinforcements, basic reconditioning. Our little experiment last night did not render me a raving fan of porn, but I did not feel bad things. For me, that is a win. I would say that my reaction to the media was neutral, but to Zen, was positive. I feel very loved and very, VERY fortunate to have a man who is willing to be so patient and kind in working with me to overcome my stuff.
And I remain grateful to my community, too. Doing the things at parties occasionally, also increases my sexual confidence. Just being unclothed in a safe environment in front of other people makes me more confident and happy in my own skin. It is a matter of "I was vulnerable and nothing bad happened." Over and over.
And regarding the "caveman" theories about human sexuality that proliferate (unfortunately) in discussions everywhere... This reconditioning about porn for instance is a shift from feeling that there is no room for a real, complex, loving relationship, with a man who likes and wants that (bad code written by my ex, along with other negative sexual socialization from earlier life)....erasing THAT and instead making it so that I can think of it as the same as a toy that my lover and I play with. Just another thing that helps us to feel good. Not an infinite supply of other women doing everything he wishes I would do or being what he wishes I could be. That in a complex, layered, human, loving relationship, we can both be looking at whatever is on a screen, but we are present with one another. We are HERE with one another, being real, together. My love isn't...trying to escape me because I'm not what he wants me to be. He's right there with me.
So. That is good.
Now in a bridge between that topic and the next one here, I must say that my questioning (as I often do) if there was a chemical component to my distress when I was writing some of my really unhappy ruminations on the subject and feeling depressive and anxious about things...which was right around the week of my Birthday, more or less... So now looking at this whole thyroid business:
At my last dr. visit (bit over a year ago) she said my calcium levels in my blood were high. "monitor" She said this time around that "by the way" it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with diet. And I used to have weird night sweats but I haven't in quite a while. I chalked that up to the fact that at that time I was severely stressed and smoking a lot, and I quit smoking, so I figured that was part of what changed. I told her that recently, I had about a week of mood swings and depressive/anxious stuff...which (I don't think I shared this information here, but I think it is relevant now) was followed, no sooner did I feel emotionally better, I had a bit of spotting (blood between periods) and breast tenderness. This tells me that whatever was happening likely was related to hormonal shifts.
Now. I have been told by my mother all my life that every woman (EVERY ONE) for time out of mind, on her side of the family, as thyroid problems. That I had to make sure to get that checked at every doctor's appointment. And I am an anomaly in that I am small, when all of the other women in the family (both sides) gained a lot of weight after having kids. I'm 5'3" and 120 lbs...most of my female relatives are shorter than me and weigh at least twice as much. I don't exercise that much and I eat whatever I want, which is sometimes very "snacky" (picking at food, can't eat big meals but hungry often) and sometimes I get stretches of time where I'm hungrier and eat more...but my diet is high in fats and carbs and sugars. I don't even like plants very much, and won't touch anything with the word, "salad" remotely attached to it.
So putting the puzzle together, I have probably always had an overactive thyroid, but maybe it wasn't always detectable or something, but my metabolism is not normal for my family, though thyroid issues of some sort, are. I didn't used to get checked often anyways. And since the thyroid produces hormones that affect pretty much everything...digestion, metabolism, weight gain and loss, skin, brain, you name it... I think that a lot of the little signals I've noticed throughout my lifetime might be related to that. Maybe. Anyhow I don't think that our bodies' various systems operate in a vacuum. A biochemical disturbance is a biochemical disturbance. At least I'm perceptive enough to notice and think about it, though I don't want to presume causation too much.
So. Prognosis. Based on my research, with regard to this "nodule." They can ascertain via ultrasound if it is a fluid filled cyst or another sort of growth, fine, I shall let them do that. But the biopsy's sole purpose is to determine if I'm one of the 5% who have a malignant (cancerous) thing going on. If so, then we're looking at surgery. If not, then they may use radioactive iodine to try and shrink it, which will impair or cease my thyroid's natural functions, and then I'll be on thyroid meds the rest of my life (like all the other women in my fam-damn-ily.) My mother's voice in my head, "It just means you're one of us!" Shut up, Mom. So if it fails to shrink or stabilize and if it gets bigger, particularly if it begins to impair breathing or swallowing, then we do surgery to remove it. Now, the c-word is scary of course (*nods to Magdlyn* <3 ) but as cancers go, thyroid cancer is not that big a thing, it's one of the most successfully curable cancers there is, in the small percentage of people who even have it. I'm guessing that is partly because it can't really be let to go very far before detection, since once a "nodule" grows to a point you can't breathe or swallow. You're gonna have to get it removed.
So...
test> Cancer positive> surgery.
test> Cancer negative> meds/monitor> thing grows> surgery.
test> Cancer negative> meds/monitor> thing shrinks/stabilizes> continue meds/monitor, act as needed, for life.
(At least the meds are cheap, or so says my Mom.) I mean frankly, I'm feeling like, if it IS cancer, won't it grow? Like can't we just watch it via ultrasound for a while and see, and decide to operate or not, and like skip the whole needle test business?? Frankly, I just can't see myself doing that biopsy thing without general anesthesia. And we know from my tubal ligation, I respond well to it, there weren't any bad reactions or problems with it. I don't think I can do the thing if I'm awake, if it absolutely must be done. So we'll see, I guess.
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GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I wonder if they could do iv sedation for the biopsy... Like they do for wisdom teeth extraction and colonoscopies. Much less risk than general and can be done at a doctor's office. But you are out and don't remember a thing.
(And if you are me, you wake up stoned off your ass and say dumb funny things for hours. I so badly wanted to go to a rave on the beach when I woke up from wisdom tooth surgery. One with swimming cows. I have never wanted anything so much in my life.)
As for waiting to see if it grows... You could ask. The general principle is that surgery is easier when things are small, plus even slow to metastasize cancers could maybe possibly spread while you do the wait and see thing. The aggressive early detection and intervention are a big part of why so many cancers are no big deal these days.
Medical stuff is never fun. I don't mind needles, but I had to have surgery for the first time a couple years ago and I was terrified. So I feel ya. (((hugs)))
(And if you are me, you wake up stoned off your ass and say dumb funny things for hours. I so badly wanted to go to a rave on the beach when I woke up from wisdom tooth surgery. One with swimming cows. I have never wanted anything so much in my life.)
As for waiting to see if it grows... You could ask. The general principle is that surgery is easier when things are small, plus even slow to metastasize cancers could maybe possibly spread while you do the wait and see thing. The aggressive early detection and intervention are a big part of why so many cancers are no big deal these days.
Medical stuff is never fun. I don't mind needles, but I had to have surgery for the first time a couple years ago and I was terrified. So I feel ya. (((hugs)))
Spork
Active member
I'm actually not scared of surgery anymore. I had that tubal ligation, that was my first ever "surgery." They used the IV sedation as you describe I think, I mean...I had an IV, lost consciousness before I even knew to expect to lose consciousness, and came to at some other point with zero concept of time having elapsed (like even deeper than normal sleep, sleep.) But I wasn't goofy when I woke. I just was in the most perfectly delicious state of warm comfort, and I didn't want to move. I didn't want anyone to know I was awake. But they knew. And they made me get up and put my clothes on, and I was shaking very badly. I wasn't thrilled about that. I could have used another hour or so under that nice blanket, pretending to be asleep. That was done in an outpatient surgery center. In and out in one morning.
And I was weak when I was recovering, but not in any pain. I took like one of the oxy's they gave me just because I was scared there would be pain when my anesthesia was wearing off, later on that night...but then I didn't take any more, because there just wasn't any need. I was shocked, since I had like two holes in my belly that were stitched up, they didn't hurt.
That's the only time I've ever been knocked out. I got 3 wisdom teeth out with local, and a root canal with local. But I know people who won't allow any dental work without being put "out." So you would think...
Thing is, it's not the pain I'm scared of. It's the psychological trauma. Needles FREAK ME OUT. I've learned to close my eyes, breathe, and clench my teeth and let them take blood from my arm or put an IV in...but thinking of for instance lasik surgery where they inject anesthetic into or near the eyes? Or a needle in my throat?? I want to pick up a chair and hit someone, and then hide under something, and bite anyone who comes near me. I'm not having it...
I would far rather just skip ahead to surgery, get whatever it is removed, and they can send the bits to a lab to poke at all day if they like, without sticking a damn needle in my neck!
Thank you, though. Hugs are good.
And I was weak when I was recovering, but not in any pain. I took like one of the oxy's they gave me just because I was scared there would be pain when my anesthesia was wearing off, later on that night...but then I didn't take any more, because there just wasn't any need. I was shocked, since I had like two holes in my belly that were stitched up, they didn't hurt.
That's the only time I've ever been knocked out. I got 3 wisdom teeth out with local, and a root canal with local. But I know people who won't allow any dental work without being put "out." So you would think...
Thing is, it's not the pain I'm scared of. It's the psychological trauma. Needles FREAK ME OUT. I've learned to close my eyes, breathe, and clench my teeth and let them take blood from my arm or put an IV in...but thinking of for instance lasik surgery where they inject anesthetic into or near the eyes? Or a needle in my throat?? I want to pick up a chair and hit someone, and then hide under something, and bite anyone who comes near me. I'm not having it...
I would far rather just skip ahead to surgery, get whatever it is removed, and they can send the bits to a lab to poke at all day if they like, without sticking a damn needle in my neck!
Thank you, though.
Hugs are good.
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Spork
Active member
Jeez...being a parent can be annoying!
Got to work and found texts from my son, he isn't feeling well and thinks he's going to throw up. So I text him back, telling him to stop sending me messages and if he is sick go to the office and have the nurse call me and I will come get him. Silence. I've emailed my boss, thinking I might have to leave, and today of all days I would not mind since I have my own appointment in a few hours to get my neck ultrasounded. But now I have no idea what's up with my bozo kiddo so... *sigh* Frustrating!
It's gonna be a day of minor challenges that probably won't turn out to be all that bad. Like I go for this ultrasound...well, it's like step one of whatever this is going to be, and much as I'm wigging out about the Fine Needle Aspiration test, ya'll know I'll manage to cope and do whatever really NEEDS done, right? I mean I'll tell my doc things like "can you put me under for this?" and "couldn't we just go ahead and remove the thingie anyhow?" but if they insist that the stabby stabby is medically required, and that I cannot be knocked out for it, then I will find some way to deal. Because that's what I do. Deal. My skills in that area do not suck.
And I have that stripper party tonight. You know, with certain other stressors that have cropped up and a long list of "life business" I need to concern myself with doing, I suddenly don't feel so confronted by this situation. I just don't care. I'm going for my friend. It's her Birthday. It's whatever. Supposed to bring my own booze, and I don't drink. Supposed to give some dude money to "love on" me and I want to find a tactful way not to. I feel like a bit of a party pooper, and almost wish I'd declined the invite, but see that feels selfish since this friend is someone I care about and this is not about me. So...I'll be a good sport and go have some kind of fun. lol
Zen and I are still working on exploring my porn issues. Found one last night I actually liked. I liked it because, first of all it was a BDSM vid, and secondly it was realistic enough to be relatable. Like, it was a real scene with people that really do this. I don't know how to differentiate why it is that some people can be doing the stuff but come off as fakey actors, and some can be doing the stuff and it comes off as real...except that some reactions and faces and noises seem wayyyy over exaggerated to me. In this video, no one seemed to be exaggerating anything. There was a certain subtlety to it that appealed to me, even though it was explicit enough. This was a video that took its time and had a bit of character to it. A sense of quality. Not rubber people bouncing and squeaking.
What I see in the majority of porn, if it's not actively putting me off, in a "ugh god, no turn that shit off" way...it's boring as hell to me. Because it feels too fake. I even made a video for my ex many years ago, and I couldn't watch it because it was fakey enough to actually turn my stomach. I felt self conscious and awkward making it and I felt like I looked like a damn idiot in it, and that video didn't exist for very long before I obliterated every trace of it. I killed it with fire. I don't want to be anything that awkward and fake, it's like faking orgasms, I don't want to do that ever again and I don't want to feel like I have to.
Anyways. So what puts me off, is material where I feel it takes an otherwise beautiful human and makes them ugly or stupid looking...like the way women's faces sometimes distort when giving oral to a man, some worse than others, I don't like that, and there was a Japanese vid we happened across last night where they put a weird little pronged thing into her nose to pull it up so she looked like a pig. I get that maybe there is a humiliation kink going on there, but I don't want to watch that. No more than I want to watch scat, or things that make of sex into something that is gross, disgusting, or nasty. There was an elegance to the video I liked last night. It was made by German people. She was beautiful in her distress. He carried himself with a tension and a control, he was involved with what was going on with her...I didn't find him particularly attractive, but he was PRESENT. Unlike another video we watched the other night, I didn't feel any kind of energy coming from the man in it. His part could have been played by a machine. I got bored with it, although the actress had nice hair. My mind started wandering. "Her nose is shaped kind of odd...why is the ceiling so low...I wonder if he is having fun, he almost looks bored..." It was a neutral experience, made positive only by Zen touching me.
Maybe I have spent so darn much time trying to talk about what I don't like in porn because it's just as elusive as trying to explain "energy" in either a BDSM scene or a really good sexual encounter... I've had bad sex, I've had heaps and heaps of really mediocre sex of the "whatever, just wrap it up, I would rather be sleeping right now" variety...with people I liked, even, or loved to a certain extent. Bad sex is bad, mediocre sex is kind of boring, and rarely is sex this amazing event that is so charged it's like lightening and fireworks and waves breaking in the ocean...sex like that is very, VERY rare for me. I've got it with Zen. But that...ENERGY...exchange, I can experience it or sense it with scenes even if they are NOT sexual, fairly often. If I can see porn that seems to have that, I can probably enjoy it. But if it seems fake, it's probably reminding me of all the "ugh" or "meh" sex I have had in life, which I would prefer not to revisit.
Now previously, I worked through all of this sticky, nasty baggage of the kind I want to be free of and let go of. Zen wants to get to the bottom of whether there is anything in the realm of porn that I can not only tolerate, but enjoy. That crosses into the territory of my "head stuff" that I don't think I'm going to be able or willing to reprogram. There is a clear difference for me between obsolete code and damage...and simply wanting my sex life, in all ways, to be fulfilling and genuine. Not fake. I'm just not that interested in fake anymore.
Maybe it can be that simple. And that does not feel sex negative or prudish or inhibited. That feels like an opinion that I might have a right to keep.
Got to work and found texts from my son, he isn't feeling well and thinks he's going to throw up. So I text him back, telling him to stop sending me messages and if he is sick go to the office and have the nurse call me and I will come get him. Silence. I've emailed my boss, thinking I might have to leave, and today of all days I would not mind since I have my own appointment in a few hours to get my neck ultrasounded. But now I have no idea what's up with my bozo kiddo so... *sigh* Frustrating!
It's gonna be a day of minor challenges that probably won't turn out to be all that bad. Like I go for this ultrasound...well, it's like step one of whatever this is going to be, and much as I'm wigging out about the Fine Needle Aspiration test, ya'll know I'll manage to cope and do whatever really NEEDS done, right? I mean I'll tell my doc things like "can you put me under for this?" and "couldn't we just go ahead and remove the thingie anyhow?" but if they insist that the stabby stabby is medically required, and that I cannot be knocked out for it, then I will find some way to deal. Because that's what I do. Deal. My skills in that area do not suck.
And I have that stripper party tonight. You know, with certain other stressors that have cropped up and a long list of "life business" I need to concern myself with doing, I suddenly don't feel so confronted by this situation. I just don't care. I'm going for my friend. It's her Birthday. It's whatever. Supposed to bring my own booze, and I don't drink. Supposed to give some dude money to "love on" me and I want to find a tactful way not to. I feel like a bit of a party pooper, and almost wish I'd declined the invite, but see that feels selfish since this friend is someone I care about and this is not about me. So...I'll be a good sport and go have some kind of fun. lol
Zen and I are still working on exploring my porn issues. Found one last night I actually liked. I liked it because, first of all it was a BDSM vid, and secondly it was realistic enough to be relatable. Like, it was a real scene with people that really do this. I don't know how to differentiate why it is that some people can be doing the stuff but come off as fakey actors, and some can be doing the stuff and it comes off as real...except that some reactions and faces and noises seem wayyyy over exaggerated to me. In this video, no one seemed to be exaggerating anything. There was a certain subtlety to it that appealed to me, even though it was explicit enough. This was a video that took its time and had a bit of character to it. A sense of quality. Not rubber people bouncing and squeaking.
What I see in the majority of porn, if it's not actively putting me off, in a "ugh god, no turn that shit off" way...it's boring as hell to me. Because it feels too fake. I even made a video for my ex many years ago, and I couldn't watch it because it was fakey enough to actually turn my stomach. I felt self conscious and awkward making it and I felt like I looked like a damn idiot in it, and that video didn't exist for very long before I obliterated every trace of it. I killed it with fire. I don't want to be anything that awkward and fake, it's like faking orgasms, I don't want to do that ever again and I don't want to feel like I have to.
Anyways. So what puts me off, is material where I feel it takes an otherwise beautiful human and makes them ugly or stupid looking...like the way women's faces sometimes distort when giving oral to a man, some worse than others, I don't like that, and there was a Japanese vid we happened across last night where they put a weird little pronged thing into her nose to pull it up so she looked like a pig. I get that maybe there is a humiliation kink going on there, but I don't want to watch that. No more than I want to watch scat, or things that make of sex into something that is gross, disgusting, or nasty. There was an elegance to the video I liked last night. It was made by German people. She was beautiful in her distress. He carried himself with a tension and a control, he was involved with what was going on with her...I didn't find him particularly attractive, but he was PRESENT. Unlike another video we watched the other night, I didn't feel any kind of energy coming from the man in it. His part could have been played by a machine. I got bored with it, although the actress had nice hair. My mind started wandering. "Her nose is shaped kind of odd...why is the ceiling so low...I wonder if he is having fun, he almost looks bored..." It was a neutral experience, made positive only by Zen touching me.
Maybe I have spent so darn much time trying to talk about what I don't like in porn because it's just as elusive as trying to explain "energy" in either a BDSM scene or a really good sexual encounter... I've had bad sex, I've had heaps and heaps of really mediocre sex of the "whatever, just wrap it up, I would rather be sleeping right now" variety...with people I liked, even, or loved to a certain extent. Bad sex is bad, mediocre sex is kind of boring, and rarely is sex this amazing event that is so charged it's like lightening and fireworks and waves breaking in the ocean...sex like that is very, VERY rare for me. I've got it with Zen. But that...ENERGY...exchange, I can experience it or sense it with scenes even if they are NOT sexual, fairly often. If I can see porn that seems to have that, I can probably enjoy it. But if it seems fake, it's probably reminding me of all the "ugh" or "meh" sex I have had in life, which I would prefer not to revisit.
Now previously, I worked through all of this sticky, nasty baggage of the kind I want to be free of and let go of. Zen wants to get to the bottom of whether there is anything in the realm of porn that I can not only tolerate, but enjoy. That crosses into the territory of my "head stuff" that I don't think I'm going to be able or willing to reprogram. There is a clear difference for me between obsolete code and damage...and simply wanting my sex life, in all ways, to be fulfilling and genuine. Not fake. I'm just not that interested in fake anymore.
Maybe it can be that simple. And that does not feel sex negative or prudish or inhibited. That feels like an opinion that I might have a right to keep.
Spork
Active member
So yesterday, I left work early because the kid did get a hold of me, wasn't feeling well and needed to come home. I went and got him before my appointment and dropped him at home. His stomach was upset, as it sometimes does, he's always had a bit of a sensitive stomach. He medicated, ate some gentle food, and slept it off, doing better now.
Then my appointment... I knew this one would not be a big deal, it was only an ultrasound, but of course I was thinking about the scary biopsy thing and I talked to the tech about it. She said that she's been assisting with those for years and years and it's not a big deal, most patients come in scared and leave saying they are surprised it was really nothing. She said the reports I read online where people said it was painful, either they didn't get lidocaine, didn't get enough, or it didn't work for them. Some folks don't numb well. I've known people who report that numbing for dental procedures doesn't work well for them, as I have mentioned I know people who insist on general for that, too. Well, local anesthesia does thankfully work well for me. I told her I was more afraid of the psychological end of it than the pain, and she said they could give me something to help me relax (I'm pretty sure it's Xanax) but I'd have to have a driver to take me home and sign a waiver. I dunno. But yeah, she also told me not to jump to conclusions, that they have to do a whole analysis on the imaging and it's not a foregone conclusion that I'll even need a biopsy.
So then I came home and read about half of Come As You Are, which had arrived. Damn, that IS a good book. I'll talk more about that later. I might even work through some of the exercises here. Everyone who cares not just about women's sexuality but human sexuality should really read this book, I think. But though I had things I could have been doing, I felt the strong need for a "mental health day"...just a chance to de-stress...so I took one. Did nice, quiet reading.
Then the stripper party. Not a big deal! "JJ" the stripper was a nice dude with a lean body, pretty tattoos and a weirdly shaped face. I didn't find him very attractive, though I enjoyed checking out his ink. I was able to ask him to refrain from dancing at or on me, and he respected that no problem, and I contributed my dollars to the birthday girl's good time. I mentioned to her at one point, "You know I'm here for you, right?" She said, "Yes." And I said, "Yeah, he is WAY too young for me" and she laughed. Several times some of the ladies got up and danced or even put my friend on a cross and used a crop on her or spanked her...and every time they did, I looked over, and JJ was standing off to the side like he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing, the girls upstaged him, which for some reason I found amusing. I mentioned to Fire at one point, "Hey, for my next birthday? Skip the stripper. Get HER to do THAT to me." Her being a switch who is really cool to watch when she's toppy. It was nice to have some time with friends. And several of the ladies, including the birthday gal, seemed to enjoy JJ. Of course they all drank alcohol, which I did not.
And lest yesterday's message is muddled or unclear...
- Want to change discomfort about porn, and I'm liking how even the stuff that I don't care for doesn't make me feel bad feelings when I am with Zen, because HE makes me feel so good. I want to work with that. I'm just trying to purposely be more ok with it in general. That is a change I want.
- OK with me having preferences between material that is neutral, and material that is good/interesting. Don't expect that to change.
My conclusion to me (and to Zen) is "It's fine to prefer one thing over another, but no need to feel bad about myself, or avoidant or any sense of dread (a word used in "Come As You Are" that is relevant) even with material that is not to my preference." I want to be at least neutral/ok with it, able to completely enjoy Zen (as I do) even if it's present and use that enjoyment to diffuse discomforting thoughts that crop up at other times...and maybe in the process discover some material that is actually GOOD for me. There is some. It just might not be the majority of it. I want to be able to perceive some subtle undercurrents, some energy, some emotion. In the German video, I could tell that she was feeling fear at one point, tension was building in subtle ways in the beginning, that he was feeling powerful and in control, I could get a lot of energy from the participants. That matters to me.
So.
That brings me to this morning. I'm being late to work on purpose today because we had some snow and the news says that there are accidents and icy spots. I've found that sometimes if I give the sun a chance to come up and the traffic a chance to move it helps make the roads a little better, or at least it's light out and easier to see. So hoping it's not bad, but I don't know. Also hoping that either no one notices I'm late, or my boss doesn't bother me about it. I've recently got a bit more of his attention than I like...I mostly want to be left alone at work to do my thing in peace...but we've had in the last couple years a new wave of management that wants to get their fingers into everything, and many of my longterm coworkers either quit or were let go...it's made me nervous about my job. If there is one thing I wish I'd put productive energy into yesterday, it's maybe that I'd worked on my resume. I feel like I need to put energy into "what happens if this job doesn't work out" plans and contingencies. I hate being stressed about job security, and it comes and goes.
Time to go, my cat is fussing at me and reminding me that I'm running late now. He is always tending to my routine and letting me know when I'm deviating from what he expects of me...
Then my appointment... I knew this one would not be a big deal, it was only an ultrasound, but of course I was thinking about the scary biopsy thing and I talked to the tech about it. She said that she's been assisting with those for years and years and it's not a big deal, most patients come in scared and leave saying they are surprised it was really nothing. She said the reports I read online where people said it was painful, either they didn't get lidocaine, didn't get enough, or it didn't work for them. Some folks don't numb well. I've known people who report that numbing for dental procedures doesn't work well for them, as I have mentioned I know people who insist on general for that, too. Well, local anesthesia does thankfully work well for me. I told her I was more afraid of the psychological end of it than the pain, and she said they could give me something to help me relax (I'm pretty sure it's Xanax) but I'd have to have a driver to take me home and sign a waiver. I dunno. But yeah, she also told me not to jump to conclusions, that they have to do a whole analysis on the imaging and it's not a foregone conclusion that I'll even need a biopsy.
So then I came home and read about half of Come As You Are, which had arrived. Damn, that IS a good book. I'll talk more about that later. I might even work through some of the exercises here. Everyone who cares not just about women's sexuality but human sexuality should really read this book, I think. But though I had things I could have been doing, I felt the strong need for a "mental health day"...just a chance to de-stress...so I took one. Did nice, quiet reading.
Then the stripper party. Not a big deal! "JJ" the stripper was a nice dude with a lean body, pretty tattoos and a weirdly shaped face. I didn't find him very attractive, though I enjoyed checking out his ink. I was able to ask him to refrain from dancing at or on me, and he respected that no problem, and I contributed my dollars to the birthday girl's good time. I mentioned to her at one point, "You know I'm here for you, right?" She said, "Yes." And I said, "Yeah, he is WAY too young for me" and she laughed. Several times some of the ladies got up and danced or even put my friend on a cross and used a crop on her or spanked her...and every time they did, I looked over, and JJ was standing off to the side like he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing, the girls upstaged him, which for some reason I found amusing. I mentioned to Fire at one point, "Hey, for my next birthday? Skip the stripper. Get HER to do THAT to me." Her being a switch who is really cool to watch when she's toppy. It was nice to have some time with friends. And several of the ladies, including the birthday gal, seemed to enjoy JJ. Of course they all drank alcohol, which I did not.
And lest yesterday's message is muddled or unclear...
- Want to change discomfort about porn, and I'm liking how even the stuff that I don't care for doesn't make me feel bad feelings when I am with Zen, because HE makes me feel so good. I want to work with that. I'm just trying to purposely be more ok with it in general. That is a change I want.
- OK with me having preferences between material that is neutral, and material that is good/interesting. Don't expect that to change.
My conclusion to me (and to Zen) is "It's fine to prefer one thing over another, but no need to feel bad about myself, or avoidant or any sense of dread (a word used in "Come As You Are" that is relevant) even with material that is not to my preference." I want to be at least neutral/ok with it, able to completely enjoy Zen (as I do) even if it's present and use that enjoyment to diffuse discomforting thoughts that crop up at other times...and maybe in the process discover some material that is actually GOOD for me. There is some. It just might not be the majority of it. I want to be able to perceive some subtle undercurrents, some energy, some emotion. In the German video, I could tell that she was feeling fear at one point, tension was building in subtle ways in the beginning, that he was feeling powerful and in control, I could get a lot of energy from the participants. That matters to me.
So.
That brings me to this morning. I'm being late to work on purpose today because we had some snow and the news says that there are accidents and icy spots. I've found that sometimes if I give the sun a chance to come up and the traffic a chance to move it helps make the roads a little better, or at least it's light out and easier to see. So hoping it's not bad, but I don't know. Also hoping that either no one notices I'm late, or my boss doesn't bother me about it. I've recently got a bit more of his attention than I like...I mostly want to be left alone at work to do my thing in peace...but we've had in the last couple years a new wave of management that wants to get their fingers into everything, and many of my longterm coworkers either quit or were let go...it's made me nervous about my job. If there is one thing I wish I'd put productive energy into yesterday, it's maybe that I'd worked on my resume. I feel like I need to put energy into "what happens if this job doesn't work out" plans and contingencies. I hate being stressed about job security, and it comes and goes.
Time to go, my cat is fussing at me and reminding me that I'm running late now. He is always tending to my routine and letting me know when I'm deviating from what he expects of me...
Hannahfluke
Member
I'm really glad that "Come As You Are" is turning out to be so helpful for you.
Spork
Active member
It is a VERY good book. Makes sense of a ton of things.
I have lunch with Zen today. I am looking forward to seeing him. And I hope that at some point after I finish this book, maybe I can get him to read it, too.
We had some snow yesterday but it was not enough to be a problem for driving, which is really all I care about. It was almost...kind of...but not. Little "snow shower" bursts, I was caught in a couple that seemed really heavy, but then eased up and it was fine. I'm glad, because I was able to get down to the club for the submissives' discussion group, where we are talking about our "service project." We're putting together a donation drive for a youth homeless outreach in the area.
I have a couple of possible things I could be doing after work today, but I don't think I will...none of it looks very important, and I could just go home and get things done and relax. Be a homebody for a change. I've been out doing this or that every evening this week so far. Unless I wind up taking Q down to see his Dad tonight. That will happen either tonight, or maybe tomorrow.
And I have to find a way to move a crazy heavy box out of his shed. I think perhaps I should bring some smaller boxes and open it up out there and repack it. It's a big box and weighs a lot. It's the last thing I know of that I left behind at Old Wolf's house that I need to retrieve. I still have very mixed feelings about him leaving to go to Oregon. While the part of me that is in any way invested in me and him and what we were, had faded out a lot, mainly I'm disappointed in him for not making his sons' needs a priority. It seems that his interest in being a parent is only a thing if he's got domain over the woman who birthed the kids, which should not be a surprise to me with what I know of him, his past, behaviors, and patterns. But watching him just turn his back on the kid he's watched grow up... So I'm disappointed in him. But I'm also relieved that he is leaving. And I am also kind of concerned for Song, and frustrated that there is no message I could warn her with, that she would hear. She has been in abusive relationships her entire life. And Old Wolf fancies himself her "Champion and Protector" now...all he really wants to do is to set himself up as needed somehow, drive away anyone who could compete with him, like her partner of 20 years, and force her to serve as his attachment object, or as I often say, his surrogate mother. This has all the makings of her next abusive relationship in other words, but she thinks he is such a good man because he goes on and on about what a good man he is, and he's giving her so much attention and adoration. But eventually when he tries to bond up with a woman, he starts pushing. He has to test every relationship, to force other people to prove that they love him "unconditionally" by putting up with his bad behavior. If he can throw a tantrum and Mommy does not leave, then that means Mommy REALLY loves him. That's just the stuff that is locked into his grey matter. It sucks, it's not his fault, but it makes for some really tough company to deal with someone like that. And of course, she is a caregiver, an oncology nurse, and so she is just the kind of person he fastens onto.
She is in for some bad years ahead, because he is going to fight for this. She won't be free of him easily. And I feel bad for her.
So. Mixed feelings. Complicated ones. About that, and him.
Nothing else is bothering me much today. Really even THAT isn't bothering me very much. It's background noise. Static. I'm too tired to have energy for a lot of emotional disturbance about anything, to care a LOT about this stuff. It'll all work out one way or another, as things have a way of doing, I guess.
Spork
Active member
So some really important ideas from the book, Come As You Are, which apply to my whole fuss about pornography...
- We have a sexual "accelerator" and "brakes" systems. How sensitive these are tends to be more or less fixed in our lifetimes, a trait of our individual personalities. But anyone can learn to work with what they've got. Accelerator is the engagement of the expecting/eagerness/enjoying stuff...brakes is the response to reasons not to have sex ("a lion is chasing me right now, it's not a good time!") fight/flight/freeze, avoid, etc.
- Context is really important. If you are in the right environment to be receptive to sexually relevant stimuli, then you'll respond that way, but if you aren't...like if you're stressed...then it's more likely that the stimuli will be negatively perceived.
- Attachment theory (secure/insecure, anxious/avoidant if insecure) is discussed.
- Programming (which I would almost call internal stressors) that affect our "brakes" can be worked on...things like recovery from trauma are discussed, along with social messages about our bodies. Moral/medical/media-marketing... "You are evil", "You are diseased/health risks" and "You are imperfect and should pay for products and services to try and 'fix' yourself." are common social messages that inhibit female sexuality. Concepts like disgust and shame. Etc.
- Ways that can be used to work on these things, various therapies including cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, etc.
That's the broad strokes of what I can remember off the top of my head at the moment.
So I have a very sensitive accelerator, according to the quiz that is included, and not so sensitive brakes. I don't know if that is necessarily true. But I know that my accelerator responds to some things that other people may not necessarily respond to...and does not respond to other things that most people do. The sight of a "sexy" person doesn't do a damn thing for me. But learning a series of facts about someone that marks them as "interesting" to me, will get me imagining what their face would look like when they're getting off. Scent is a tremendous factor for me. I am always smelling people. That is considered a "sensitive accelerator" factor. Sometimes if I'm doing something boring (god, accounting homework was the worst) my mind would drift into distracting sex thoughts and I'd get unbearably aroused when I was trying to concentrate on the abominable reading of accounting principles and regulatory legislation. My brain is like, "hey...wouldn't you rather imagine being tied to this chair you're sitting in right now...?" Oh for fucks sakes. *sigh* It's kind of annoying.
My "brakes." According to the worksheets, on the low end of "medium" (normal.) No, everything does not need to be "just right" for me to get aroused, nor do I have to completely trust someone. But I am not able to get aroused in a sexual encounter with just anyone. And sometimes my brakes are being hit and I don't even know what is hitting them.
One thing I have noticed is that I enjoy feeling pursued. Like, not only desired but like I want to see it in their eyes. I want my partner to look at me with a bit of smile in the eyes and a certain spark of interest. Intellectual engagement, the game is afoot! If my partner's desire does not seem engaged for whatever reason, if they are hesitant in certain ways, it hits my brakes. Maybe it's a certain confidence. I'm trying to think of times my brakes were stubbornly engaged and why. My ex had them engaged all the time. It wasn't that the sex was bad necessarily. I didn't even want to start. I would start thinking of excuses not to, even if I actually wanted sex, I did not want it with him, nor with any other particular person. Like I could turn him down and sneak and take care of my own needs, and that is one of the examples in the book, of a woman with her brakes engaged. Even when the accelerator is activated, if the brakes are engaged, that vehicle won't go.
My brakes were engaged by the fact that I was always weighed down with thoughts I wished he would understand that he was never going to hear or understand. He didn't get me, and I didn't like that. And very significantly, he was never happy with anything. He'd make SUCH a production of complaining that he didn't get sex enough or certain acts or whatever, but even if I made an effort to do those acts, he'd forget and only remember stuff he could complain about. Five minutes after we'd had sex it'd be like we hadn't done it it a month. He was unsatisfied at the short duration of the act itself, he was just such a stubbornly unhappy man.
I did not want to even do it with somebody who was just going to be unhappy about it, like he was about everything.
And the fact that he was disappointed with pretty much every single thing in the world didn't make it easier for me to feel that he was disappointed with ME. And if I feel that I am disappointing, BOOM, brakes.
That is a bit of a breakthrough actually, I know I've touched upon the concept before and my sensitivity to it. The sense of being disappointing and inadequate makes me really disengage and shut down. I felt that way with my ex, with the quad, and long ago with my family, and I fear it.
And a huge factor in experiences I count as GOOD, sexually...is the very obvious lack of that. So even the Worm King, who flaked out on me and probably pretty much played me like he does lots of women, did not act cavalier about the act of sex itself. He seemed to savor it like a fine wine, like a delightful luxury. I know I pleased him, and I know he was pleased. Even if that wasn't enough to keep him wanting more of it in the long run. I talk about how good it was with him, and I didn't even get off! It did not matter. He was pushing psychological buttons that hadn't been touched in AGES.
And as it happens, every little thing that WK was able to do, Zen does bigger, better, and more. I like to say that if WK was a 100 on a scale of 1 to 10, it's like comparing teaspoons of liquid to gallons, to the ocean. Zen is something you cannot measure or quantify. He is not only infinitely better, part of it is his imagination...I never know what he's going to come up with. I've never been with anyone whose repertoire is so unlimited in possibilities. He is amazing. And I do not get signals from him that he is bored or disappointed with our sex life. I'm afraid of that but I have not seen it. Frankly Zen feels too good to be true sometimes, and I feel like I need physical contact to remind me that he's really really real. He's got my accelerator pressed to the floor and no brakes at all.
I would actually, looking back through my life, when I talk about "I have no idea why some of my lovers have been bonfires of big feels, and some have not."...it is as simple as this. I fall "in love" (experience NRE, or feels) when my partner is not activating any of my brakes. I have a pretty sensitive accelerator, that part isn't too terribly difficult...but I think my brakes, though I might have fewer triggers than the worksheet in the book asks about to indicated whether your brakes are sensitive or not...I'd say, not in those exact ways, but yes they are sensitive to certain things. If they are triggered, I might get to a place where I can enjoy sex with someone and consider them a loved friend, but some part of me will always feel like its holding back and not fully able to engage.
I have another unrelated thought that I want to share in a separate post...
- We have a sexual "accelerator" and "brakes" systems. How sensitive these are tends to be more or less fixed in our lifetimes, a trait of our individual personalities. But anyone can learn to work with what they've got. Accelerator is the engagement of the expecting/eagerness/enjoying stuff...brakes is the response to reasons not to have sex ("a lion is chasing me right now, it's not a good time!") fight/flight/freeze, avoid, etc.
- Context is really important. If you are in the right environment to be receptive to sexually relevant stimuli, then you'll respond that way, but if you aren't...like if you're stressed...then it's more likely that the stimuli will be negatively perceived.
- Attachment theory (secure/insecure, anxious/avoidant if insecure) is discussed.
- Programming (which I would almost call internal stressors) that affect our "brakes" can be worked on...things like recovery from trauma are discussed, along with social messages about our bodies. Moral/medical/media-marketing... "You are evil", "You are diseased/health risks" and "You are imperfect and should pay for products and services to try and 'fix' yourself." are common social messages that inhibit female sexuality. Concepts like disgust and shame. Etc.
- Ways that can be used to work on these things, various therapies including cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, etc.
That's the broad strokes of what I can remember off the top of my head at the moment.
So I have a very sensitive accelerator, according to the quiz that is included, and not so sensitive brakes. I don't know if that is necessarily true. But I know that my accelerator responds to some things that other people may not necessarily respond to...and does not respond to other things that most people do. The sight of a "sexy" person doesn't do a damn thing for me. But learning a series of facts about someone that marks them as "interesting" to me, will get me imagining what their face would look like when they're getting off. Scent is a tremendous factor for me. I am always smelling people. That is considered a "sensitive accelerator" factor. Sometimes if I'm doing something boring (god, accounting homework was the worst) my mind would drift into distracting sex thoughts and I'd get unbearably aroused when I was trying to concentrate on the abominable reading of accounting principles and regulatory legislation. My brain is like, "hey...wouldn't you rather imagine being tied to this chair you're sitting in right now...?" Oh for fucks sakes. *sigh* It's kind of annoying.
My "brakes." According to the worksheets, on the low end of "medium" (normal.) No, everything does not need to be "just right" for me to get aroused, nor do I have to completely trust someone. But I am not able to get aroused in a sexual encounter with just anyone. And sometimes my brakes are being hit and I don't even know what is hitting them.
One thing I have noticed is that I enjoy feeling pursued. Like, not only desired but like I want to see it in their eyes. I want my partner to look at me with a bit of smile in the eyes and a certain spark of interest. Intellectual engagement, the game is afoot! If my partner's desire does not seem engaged for whatever reason, if they are hesitant in certain ways, it hits my brakes. Maybe it's a certain confidence. I'm trying to think of times my brakes were stubbornly engaged and why. My ex had them engaged all the time. It wasn't that the sex was bad necessarily. I didn't even want to start. I would start thinking of excuses not to, even if I actually wanted sex, I did not want it with him, nor with any other particular person. Like I could turn him down and sneak and take care of my own needs, and that is one of the examples in the book, of a woman with her brakes engaged. Even when the accelerator is activated, if the brakes are engaged, that vehicle won't go.
My brakes were engaged by the fact that I was always weighed down with thoughts I wished he would understand that he was never going to hear or understand. He didn't get me, and I didn't like that. And very significantly, he was never happy with anything. He'd make SUCH a production of complaining that he didn't get sex enough or certain acts or whatever, but even if I made an effort to do those acts, he'd forget and only remember stuff he could complain about. Five minutes after we'd had sex it'd be like we hadn't done it it a month. He was unsatisfied at the short duration of the act itself, he was just such a stubbornly unhappy man.
I did not want to even do it with somebody who was just going to be unhappy about it, like he was about everything.
And the fact that he was disappointed with pretty much every single thing in the world didn't make it easier for me to feel that he was disappointed with ME. And if I feel that I am disappointing, BOOM, brakes.
That is a bit of a breakthrough actually, I know I've touched upon the concept before and my sensitivity to it. The sense of being disappointing and inadequate makes me really disengage and shut down. I felt that way with my ex, with the quad, and long ago with my family, and I fear it.
And a huge factor in experiences I count as GOOD, sexually...is the very obvious lack of that. So even the Worm King, who flaked out on me and probably pretty much played me like he does lots of women, did not act cavalier about the act of sex itself. He seemed to savor it like a fine wine, like a delightful luxury. I know I pleased him, and I know he was pleased. Even if that wasn't enough to keep him wanting more of it in the long run. I talk about how good it was with him, and I didn't even get off! It did not matter. He was pushing psychological buttons that hadn't been touched in AGES.
And as it happens, every little thing that WK was able to do, Zen does bigger, better, and more. I like to say that if WK was a 100 on a scale of 1 to 10, it's like comparing teaspoons of liquid to gallons, to the ocean. Zen is something you cannot measure or quantify. He is not only infinitely better, part of it is his imagination...I never know what he's going to come up with. I've never been with anyone whose repertoire is so unlimited in possibilities. He is amazing. And I do not get signals from him that he is bored or disappointed with our sex life. I'm afraid of that but I have not seen it. Frankly Zen feels too good to be true sometimes, and I feel like I need physical contact to remind me that he's really really real. He's got my accelerator pressed to the floor and no brakes at all.
I would actually, looking back through my life, when I talk about "I have no idea why some of my lovers have been bonfires of big feels, and some have not."...it is as simple as this. I fall "in love" (experience NRE, or feels) when my partner is not activating any of my brakes. I have a pretty sensitive accelerator, that part isn't too terribly difficult...but I think my brakes, though I might have fewer triggers than the worksheet in the book asks about to indicated whether your brakes are sensitive or not...I'd say, not in those exact ways, but yes they are sensitive to certain things. If they are triggered, I might get to a place where I can enjoy sex with someone and consider them a loved friend, but some part of me will always feel like its holding back and not fully able to engage.
I have another unrelated thought that I want to share in a separate post...
Reverie
Active member
OMG, I am going to buy this book RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. This sounds like EXACTLY what might explain why sometimes my libido just DIES even when I know I'm attracted to the person, including how it literally wilted in an instant and for days when Rider told me about sex with Hannah. My entire poly-imbalance thing has become such a major stressor in my life that hearing that, pretty much within hours of things pulling back with Jasper, was just like BRAKES BRAKES BRAKES!
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I downloaded the free sample of Come As You Are already!
Question, though, before I commit to the whole book...
Is it more of an "understand yourself" book, or an "improve your sex life" book? I mean I get that the two go hand in hand a lot of the time.
But right now, after all of the trying to be someone I'm not that I have done in the past year or so... I'm super sensitive to messages like, "learn to see the beauty in women's genitalia!" or "get aroused faster!" Nope nope nope, I am DONE trying to pretzel myself. The most positive reaction I can summon toward lady parts is " yup, that is a vulva, how long before I can look away", and if someone doesn't have time to get me turned on, our issue is time management, not my body.
But the *learning*, now that appeals.
Question, though, before I commit to the whole book...
Is it more of an "understand yourself" book, or an "improve your sex life" book? I mean I get that the two go hand in hand a lot of the time.
But right now, after all of the trying to be someone I'm not that I have done in the past year or so... I'm super sensitive to messages like, "learn to see the beauty in women's genitalia!" or "get aroused faster!" Nope nope nope, I am DONE trying to pretzel myself. The most positive reaction I can summon toward lady parts is " yup, that is a vulva, how long before I can look away", and if someone doesn't have time to get me turned on, our issue is time management, not my body.
But the *learning*, now that appeals.
Hannahfluke
Member
It definitely read like a learn more about yourself so you can do the things that will help you build the sex life you want to have, instead of the sex life you feel pressured to want, by society, your upbringing, whatever. It's learning to work with the reality of your sex drive and what motivates that drive for you as an individual, not just listing exercises to do that fit in the bell curve of "normal" and you're broken if they don't work for you (which is what it sounds like you want to avoid and I never once had the feeling that she was trying to present things as normal verses broken. We all have our own unique normal and figuring out what yours is and embracing it is the point of the book).