Husband and I have both talked and realized a LOT of what we did wrong in this situation. We jumped in before we were prepared.
We know that we will not being seeking out partners until he and I feel we are both ready to not have the rules ands restrictions in place.
With that said, How long did you talk (established couples) and What did you do to prepare, to be ready for that first possible date?
Spexy and I talked A LOT after his fiasco with the other woman. We still do, on occasion. From different angles, insights, things we discovered about each other.
One side effect I discovered was that our relationship is now stronger than ever. Sex is hotter, love is brighter and we are far more appreciative of what we have. I think it is the result of both the narrow escape and the heightened conversations between us.
He still doesn't feel ready to be involved with anyone else. He claims he doesn't "ever" want to do it again - once burned, forever shy. To be fair, it was a burned kind of experience. Apart from the hurt he caused me and the distress and shame when he realized how he had acted with me, the woman threatened to have him assaulted by her friends and arrested for raping her when he broke off with her and stopped engaging. She threatened to have me arrested along with him for "running a sex racket" - exact words. Major drama. He isn't averse to poly, but he doesn't want to take this kind of a risk ever again. I'm giving him all the space he needs to be okay. He doesn't ever "have to" date anyone. It is fine.
We are anyway having a lot of conversations about communication, the need for it, and so on. Hypothetical situations help, given that we aren't actually seeing anyone. As in, "what do you think of a situation like this" or "what would you feel if" or "What would you want me to do if..." Sometimes we discuss some current happening in the news or among other people from the lens of poly.
We don't do this to prepare for another relationship - he is averse and I'm not interested in finding someone at this point - full life, no time and attention to spare. It is more about understanding each other as non-monogamous poeple - I think it is more difficult when there is no one else in sight and it can be easy to take some things for granted monogamy-style and perhaps having more insight into dynamics around polyamory and what would be okay and what would be an area to check in the event either of us does find someone interesting.
One of the major problems last time was that we had never really had any conversations about poly at all. We didn't even know our "not promising monogamy" was called polyamory. We simply came together as people not involved with anyone else at that point and people who didn't believe in monogamy. Since no one was looking for anyone at that point, the subject of how it would play out never really came up for discussion between us. So when he suddenly found himself in the middle of NRE, he wasn't aware that he had to keep anything else in mind and he overcommitted to the new relationship, messed things up with me, then backpedalled and had no defenses or awareness that he could draw lines and refuse if the new partner started taking major commitments for granted from the word go.
No one can predict what kind of a person they come across, but these conversations give us a better understanding of how we can conduct ourselves and manage our own boundaries regardless.
We are seeing these discussions more like sex-ed than preparations. Learning about birth control doesn't necessarily mean you head off to have sex - so to say.
