do you know any long-term successful polyamorous relationships?

Fay

New member
Hello, I am just a rookie when it comes to polyamory. I am 19 years old and have been in a happy poly situation for a few months, with two people who are intimate with each other as well. It doesn't feel like a triad however because the connections are all very different.

I've been yearning for a community that could show me what it's like, what to expect, because I barely know any openly poly people in real life. However, when I come here, all I see is people with problems/issues. The few who appear to be doing fine are often closer to open relationships, with one primary partner and a few secondaries.

Are you in or do you know of a truly successful, truly poly relationship/situation? Could you tell your story? It would be nice to have some happily-ever-after on here some more.
 
What's your definition of "long term"? I've been in a relationship with one of my guys for just over 5 years, and he's been married for just over 15. That's my current personal best, but some would say 5 years is still short term.

Edit: Also, what do you mean by "truly poly"? Re-reading after I posted, I now get the impression that you think it's only poly if it's a closed triad.
 
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I didn't intend to define it as a closed triad at all! I only define it as poly if there's more than one love, not just more than one bed partner.
 
I have been with my husband Butch for 16 years and Murf for 5 years
 
I've encountered the same trouble in real life too. I know a few polyamorous people... but hardly long-term stable relationships.
Ours is three years in but "with problems", I'm afraid.
There are a few on this forum who come regularly despite currently being happy in stable relationships ;), or at least seemingly. Exept of Dagferi I recall Bluebird, kdt26417, Magdlyn (who's a little more of the open kind), maybe also JaneQSmythe. Not that many, hopefully others drop in.
 
I would consider us successful, although we still have stress here and there. We're considering all cohabiting when Boy buys a home in the next few years. Everyone gets along. I don't see any breakups happening anytime soon unless something really crazy happens (someone moving or the like).
 
when I come here, all I see is people with problems/issues.



Most new people here (and on most online forums about relationships) are bursting with need for help in figuring out a problem that they've been struggling with on their own. People generally don't come to online forums to simply share the good news that they are happy. It's not that there aren't lots of happy poly people, they just don't have the need to be posting about it online. We do have a core of long time poly people here who are in stable situations and regularly help out newer people. Most of the people who respond to the newbies in anguish are experienced poly people who are or have been in stable poly relationships.

Also remember that "successful relationship" does not equal "long term." Polyamory does not have the same built in community support, not the least of which is the social pressure to stay together to "make it work," that most (especially married) monogamous couples have.
 
Thanks for the awesome replies!

I realised I haven't explained my situation yet.

My first encounter with polyamory was a bit miserable. An existing couple (of two cute shy 18 year olds) dragged me in as a third. But there were too many struggle points: I felt secondary, I quickly realised I was only interested in friendship with the girl and more with the guy which hurt her, and the guy seemed to lose interest in her as we advanced. They kept telling me I wasn't a burden but I felt like I was wrecking their relationship. So I broke it off. A week later they did too.

My current partners have been together for years, monogamous at first. The guy is very poly and doesn't do the whole relationship thing at all anymore. The girl usually is very happy with being poly and wouldn't want it differently, but when she feels down she struggles with jealousy/self esteem. She can get upset when one of us introduces a new partner at a bad time. I'm also just starting to see someone new, but as he's never been in a serious relationship at all, he can't say yet what he thinks of poly.

I don't feel a lot of jealousy at all, but I don't know about the future. In monogamous relationships, the ideas are usually quite clear cut: get more serious, start living together, have children or not, grow old together: the fairytale of 'and they lived happily ever after'. I have no idea how poly situations are to devellop. I think I'd want to live together with someone at some point, but I have no idea how I'd arrange the poly part without having to "pick a primary". So I hoped to hear of people who solved that.
 
I would say mine have been long term and successful, but the nature of the relationship has also changed over the years. My first poly relationship started about 16 years ago. It included me, my gf (and future wife), and my other gf. The sexual aspect lasted about 6 or 7 years, but the last few years of that time were long distance, so infrequent. Since then, it has been more of a very close, loving friendship, still long distance. My wife also had a bf in those early days, but that was short term - perhaps a year - but we're still in occasional contact as friends.

I also had a 5 year very close FWB who was beginning to explore poly seriously with us. She's still a dear friend, but found a mono relationship that suits her better, I think.

I would love to find another, local, long term poly relationship some day. I keep looking, but have yet to find someone.
 
To look at relationships as being "successful" at all, certainly while using a measuring stick as misleading and unreliable as longevity, is to take a very traditional, restrictive view of what a relationship is. In my opinion, the further we can get away from this view of relating to other people, the more room there is for healthy, flourishing associations.

It's hard though, I get it. I live in a world that, despite my best efforts, is an unstoppable shield wall of reinforcement in favor of traditional coupling. This reinforcement insists that a long term, enmeshed, traditional, couple is the only way to have a "real" relationship. Note: this is not just in monogamous relationships, this is alive and well in poly communities as well. So it's a constant effort to scrutinize my motivations and expectations in an effort to live as authentic a life as I can.

An existing couple (of two cute shy 18 year olds) dragged me in as a third.
but when she feels down she struggles with jealousy/self esteem. She can get upset when one of us introduces a new partner at a bad time.
but as he's never been in a serious relationship at all, he can't say yet what he thinks of poly.

If longevity is a primary concern, it doesn't really seem like you are setting yourself up for success.
 
To look at relationships as being "successful" at all, certainly while using a measuring stick as misleading and unreliable as longevity, is to take a very traditional, restrictive view of what a relationship is. In my opinion, the further we can get away from this view of relating to other people, the more room there is for healthy, flourishing associations.

It's hard though, I get it. I live in a world that, despite my best efforts, is an unstoppable shield wall of reinforcement in favor of traditional coupling. This reinforcement insists that a long term, enmeshed, traditional, couple is the only way to have a "real" relationship. Note: this is not just in monogamous relationships, this is alive and well in poly communities as well. So it's a constant effort to scrutinize my motivations and expectations in an effort to live as authentic a life as I can.





If longevity is a primary concern, it doesn't really seem like you are setting yourself up for success.

I understand I still have a lot to learn about relationships, thank you for broadening my view!
For myself I still have a fantasy of long, stable relationship(s) though :)
 
I understand I still have a lot to learn about relationships, thank you for broadening my view!
For myself I still have a fantasy of long, stable relationship(s) though :)

I get that; there is value in relationships that share history that doesn't exist in relationships that are just starting.

I certainly am not taking a stance that there isn't value to longevity. I only mean to suggest that longevity can be a sign of more than one thing and it isn't a reliable measuring stick.
 
For myself I still have a fantasy of long, stable relationship(s) though :)
And that's a perfectly good thing to want.

As for your question how to achieve that with poly... it's possible in a few cases.
You could pick one or more "primaries", and live with all of them. The drawback to it is that finding partners who are also suitable as flat-mates ;) to each other too and want a shared household is a tough order.
You could also live half-time with one person and half-time with another, if they are comfortable with it. It seems a little logistically hard, but doable.
You could even find more of a community of many people (partnered or non-partnered) living together.
Or, you could let go of living together and still have stable relationships with separated households as "single poly".

But, if stability is indeed your first priority, poly may not be the best tool for it, as it adds a level of complexity. People who prefere poly (and are good at it) usually have values such as personal freedom, independence and self-mastery, variety, growth and open-mindedness, intimacy and honesty, which in their mind (need not to, but) may be more profound than the longing for stability. This living up to values seems to draw people towards polyamory, giving a more powerful foundation than just "falling for someone" by accident, and make them overcome the hardships and difficulties of a complicated and unconventional way of life.

You're young, so you have a long route to walk towards getting to know yourself. It's safe for you now to do so by trial and error, relationships included. I mean, you're not gonna screw up on any of your important relationship goals if you don't find a nesting partner in the next few years. What were the values or desires that led you to entering (or at least not rejecting) a polyamorous relationship in the first place?
 
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And that's a perfectly good thing to want.

As for your question how to achieve that with poly... it's possible in a few cases.
You could pick one or more "primaries", and live with all of them. The drawback to it is that finding partners who are also suitable as flat-mates ;) to each other too and want a shared household is a tough order.
You could also live half-time with one person and half-time with another, if they are comfortable with it. It seems a little logistically hard, but doable.
You could even find more of a community of many people (partnered or non-partnered) living together.
Or, you could let go of living together and still have stable relationships with separated households as "single poly".

But, if stability is indeed your first priority, poly may not be the best tool for it, as it adds a level of complexity. People who prefere poly (and are good at it) usually have values such as personal freedom, independence and self-mastery, variety, growth and open-mindedness, intimacy and honesty, which in their mind (need not to, but) may be more profound than the longing for stability. This living up to values seems to draw people towards polyamory, giving a more powerful foundation than just "falling for someone" by accident, and make them overcome the hardships and difficulties of a complicated and unconventional way of life.

You're young, so you have a long route to walk towards getting to know yourself. It's safe for you now to do so by trial and error, relationships included. I mean, you're not gonna screw up on any of your important relationship goals if you don't find a nesting partner in the next few years. What were the values or desires that led you to entering (or at least not rejecting) a polyamorous relationship in the first place?

I'm indeed young and know that my priorities might change. But as of now, I kind of feel like "I want it all". I've never truly understood jealousy; to me it's only relevant when I'm about to lose something or someone and then still it's more of a rational thought than an emotion. Also, I've been in doubt about what I wanted. Being single felt lonely, but being in a relationship felt restricting because suddenly there were all kinds of rules and social constructs I didn't feel a connection for. I never felt the urge to cheat or anything, it was just unnatural.

I had some open, sex-based things for a while, which I got bored of very quickly. I did however feel very positive about the open relationships I saw around me, because I liked the aspects of trust and freedom those possessed. Didn't even know poly existed then.

The values/desires that make me be into polyamory are mostly: I want to love different kinds of people and can see the beauty in a lot of minds. To just pick one and rule out the rest feels unnatural, I want to be able explore and connect with more than one person. I like the variety too; I like both men and women, and where monogamous relationships can get repetitive, poly is always interesting.
I don't mind my partners not being monogamous. On the contrary, I want them to have what makes them happy, I don't want to resrict them.
You could say I'm still slightly experimental. There are all sorts of things I like to try.
I love how much trust and open-minded communication (my) poly relationships have. Good communication isn't as automatic in monogamy.
I also want stability in the future, like when I'm done studying or something. But the idea of giving up any partners for practicality feels wrong. I still have years to figure it out, though.
I also decided it isn't about sex. I had more partners in that area when I was single and a higher frequency when monogamous. It has become a lot more enjoyable though, because of the variety and because the mental connections feel deeper than when just hooking up with someone.

This is hard to put into words, I hope it's understandable. Tl;dr: open mindedness got me interested, freedom, variety, intimacy and honesty kept me hooked.
 
It's perfectly understandable, you seem to have your reasoning more or less together ;)
I want to love different kinds of people and can see the beauty in a lot of minds. To just pick one and rule out the rest feels unnatural, I want to be able explore and connect with more than one person. I like the variety too; I like both men and women, and where monogamous relationships can get repetitive, poly is always interesting.
...
I also want stability in the future, like when I'm done studying or something. But the idea of giving up any partners for practicality feels wrong. I still have years to figure it out, though.
There's always the option of going for polyamory now, and at a later point in life, if you happen to have stable partner(s) and want more commitment, settle down for a bit. There are couples who reach for monogamy to have kids and then re-open.
I get the feeling that at this point you could use some more trust - trust in your own intuition, trust that you can handle change, trust that it will work itself out. Be mindful of your relationships to see which ones actually feel good. You can use your intuition to tell you when and with whom to start building a stable basis -- I hope :)
 
I get the feeling that at this point you could use some more trust - trust in your own intuition, trust that you can handle change, trust that it will work itself out. Be mindful of your relationships to see which ones actually feel good. You can use your intuition to tell you when and with whom to start building a stable basis -- I hope :)

I hadn't thought about it yet that way. My relatiomships now feel better than any I've had before, which I'm very grateful for. My stable basis right now is my girlfriend - not because our connection is 'best', but because she wants something similar as me. Our male love doesn't feel the same urge to settle down.

I feel like I do still have a long way to go. All my partners are a few years older than me, which results in them talking more about what to do after their masters' degrees and such.

What do you define a good relationship/situatiom for yourself?
 
I've encountered the same trouble in real life too. I know a few polyamorous people... but hardly long-term stable relationships.
Ours is three years in but "with problems", I'm afraid.
There are a few on this forum who come regularly despite currently being happy in stable relationships ;), or at least seemingly. Exept of Dagferi I recall Bluebird, kdt26417, Magdlyn (who's a little more of the open kind), maybe also JaneQSmythe. Not that many, hopefully others drop in.

I've been with my female partner for 8 years. I met her right after my 30 year mono marriage split up. I'm much happier with Pixi than I'd been with my ex husband, not that things with him were all bad!

We dated for 3 1/2 years, maintaining separate homes, before we got a house together. We were in no rush to commit since she'd also just come out of a long term relationship before we met.

We've both had bfs, and I've had one other gf, in the 8 years together. We are both poly. I desire a male lover where there is "true love," but have not managed anything longer than 2 1/2 years, with 2 different guys.

But my dating pool is small. I do OK for a now 61 year old, but things would be different if I were younger!

Relationships have their ups and downs. I feel lucky to have found Pixi. Finding a man I am equally compatible with seems to be asking too much of the universe, it seems. So I content myself with mere "fondness," good laughs, shared musical and artistic tastes, and as good sex as possible.

The benefits of having a loving partner who isn't jealous of my other relationships, who has her own independent streak while still being my very intimate partner, is just great. We talk over our dates with our boys like 2 women who are bffs do.
 
Oh and I have been messaging with a man who has been poly all his life... he has 3 gfs, one he lives with and 2 that were local at first, but have moved around between the US and Europe for education and careers. I'd say he was a poly pioneer. He is in his late 40s so he's been doing it a long time.

He is looking for a local gf since 2 of his partners are now long distance, and he chose me. I've been ill all winter, so have had to put him off, but I am almost ready to get things started with him. :eek:
 
I'd say my relationships are pretty successful and I think heading towards long term - I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, and my other partner for just over 2. I mean, if you read my blog it probably does sound like we're terribly unstable, but that's only because I tend to write to process things! Most of the time we're actually very very very happy and I forget to visit the board.
 
I've been with DarkKnight for over 11 years, and PunkRockAwesomesauce for over 3. We co-habitate - we just bought a house together, actually.
 
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