Worries about opening my relationship

[Cahier]

I've always agreed with the concepts/values of polyamory, but presumed I would not be able to manage the harder parts of a non-manogamous relationship. My partner (D) of 5 years felt the same way, I think, until I talked to her about having feelings for a new friend. We've talked in the past about involving a third person sexually but generally agreed that we were happy being monogamous. I love her so much and I think we have an awesome relationship.

When I told her about my attraction to T, she was very understanding, and even suggested I might want to explore my feelings with him. We have slowly discussed it over the last few weeks and have agreed it would be good for me to tell him & see if he is interested in me.

T and I have been friends for a few months and have been spending a lot time together, and messaging a lot over the past couple of months. He and I have a lot in common - more than I do with D - and I'm very strongly attracted to him. I don't know whether he is interested in me sexually, or whether he would want to be involved in a poly relationship.

D and I have been communicating well about how we feel about the situation but I'm afraid that I'm driving a change in our relationship because I have such strong feelings for T, not because it's the right thing to do for us. I'm scared that I might f*ck up my awesome & stable relationship.

I'd appreciate some guidance from the community! I think part of my fears come from my built in expectations that monogamy is the only ethical way to have a relationship, but I also know I'm a bit blinded by my amorous feelings at the moment, and don't want to do anything I'll come to regret.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Hi, welcome aboard!

my built in expectations that monogamy is the only ethical way to have a relationship

Actually, there's "monogamy in theory" & "monogamy as practiced." The pseudological cloud around the whole thing I call Monogamism, which in part demands the belief that what monogamy is supposed to be is what is actually happening, which is nonsense. A simple statement that "theoretical monogamy is ethical" is highly questionable, but "real-world monogamy is ethical" can be disproven in a heartbeat by anyone.

No system of ethics can survive self-serving practitioners... & this is true of polyamory as well.

But, back to YOUR situation. Overall, I'd say slow down.

Why are you in such a breathless rush to leap into nonmonogamy? Why do you seem to believe that if you don't ensnare T a.s.a.p., the opportunity will evaporate?

And even if it DOES evaporate, do you actually believe he's the best (much less the one-&-only) candidate you'll encounter? Now that your eyes have been opened to the potentialities, & you've taken the first few small steps toward communicating about this with D, others WILL appear to you.

You have probably been indoctrinated your entire life with Romantic myths -- e.g., Happily Ever After, Soul Mates, White Knight -- & you need to learn to recognize them so that you avoid applying monogamistic "solutions" (many of which don't work well at all) to situations where they're outright destructive.

Take a breath. Then another. Engage your mind thoroughly, & for much longer than necessary to simply plan the next leap.

I might want to explore my feelings with him.

Learn to interrogate your own terminology. What do you mean by "feelings"? or "explore"? Why can't you do this without any possibility of sex? And if by "explore your feelings" you mean something closer to "fuck him senseless," then say so -- avoid the confusion of coyness.

I'm afraid that I'm driving a change in our relationship

You ARE "driving a change." In fact, you already HAVE: by bringing up the possibility of ending your monogamous life, you have irrevocably changed your dyad -- it CANNOT be undone. If this truly makes you afraid, then stop now, because there's going to be MANY changes, most of which you can never take back.

I don't want to do anything I'll come to regret.

A noble goal but, really, it's always a risk. You can work to reduce the chances of catastrophe &/or the path of destruction, but stuff happens. Take the "what if" questions a few steps further along, & think deeply about them, & talk them out thoroughly. Like, how will you feel when D says she's spending the night with someone else? or do you believe that you are unique & she will never find herself anywhere near such an opportunity?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Cahier,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Your best bet here is probably to continue with T but slowly. This way you can often pause to appraise your situation. Posting updates here is probably also a good idea, it's a way you can get up-to-date advice. Glad you could join us in any case.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Shaya]

Hi Cahier,

Welcome to the forums. I'm new myself and my advice comes with a disclaimer - I'm currently monogamous but interested in seeing if I can become polyamorous in the future. My first venture didn't go so well and you may find similarities between our situation like infatuation/limerance, rushing polyamory, an initially supportive partner that later became unsurportive and difficulties with transition from monogamy to polyamory. I'm sure we have many differences as well.

For me, despite agreeing with polyamory intellectually, I found myself unable to transition emotionally.

I think you show a humbling self-awareness and maturity in recognising that your amorous feelings may be blinding you at the moment. Without meaning to insult or to be presumptive, I would go further and suggest that your amorous feelings may be influencing you when you state that you feel you have "more in common" with someone you've only just met compared with your live-in partner of 5 years. Without meaning to sound like I know your situation more than you do, I wonder if this feeling is linked in with limerence. I felt very affronted when my wife of 12 years told me that when some guy she knew for 6 months looks and smiles at her and she feels he knows her better than anyone else in her life. I KNOW YOU better than anyone in your life - not this random guy, even though he smiles good and can turn your legs to jelly with a look. When it came time to talk to him about polyamory, it quickly became obvious that he didn't know her at all, and that she didn't know him at all.

Cahier, you said that you were "scared that (you) might f*ck up (your) awesome & stable relationship." I would like to say that if you go slow, if you funnel this new relationship energy back into your current relationship, and if you both are humble enough to read up on polyamory resources as well as work through jealousy, then I feel you and your partner stand a good chance of being able to transition successfully to polyamory.

Go slow. At times of jealousy, this transition period is likely to be more gut-wrenching for your partner than you can understand. See what she is doing for you as the most beautiful gift a partner can give - the gift of being able to fall in love a second time - and feed that appreciation back to her. Transition to polyamory at the rate of the slowest person. And give your partner lots of reassurance.

Good luck.

 

[Cahier]

Thank you for your replies. These are the kinds of questions and reality checks I really need.

Why are you in such a breathless rush to leap into nonmonogamy? Why do you seem to believe that if you don't ensnare T a.s.a.p., the opportunity will evaporate?

I've been so focused on T as unique and perfect (aka white knight) that I've forgotten that such a thing doesn't actually exist. And it's meant that I haven't been focussed on what polyamory would mean and look like for me and my relationship with D, which is what really matters. Sometimes I think I'm just using polyamory as an excuse to pursue sex with T, and I know that's not a smart thing to do. Which is why I wanted some advice from people who know what being poly is and what it looks like when you pursue it ethically.

So yes, I need to take a million breaths, and think a lot more, and talk a lot more with D about what we both want and whether being poly would be healthy and doable for us.

Like, how will you feel when D says she's spending the night with someone else?

This question definitely makes me think. A big part of me is excited and thrilled about the idea of D sleeping with someone else, and I can definitely see us enjoying each others' pleasure with others. And of course I'd also be scared that her interest in me would wane, or that I'd be sad to lose some of the time we have together.

I will keep reading around, but I'd love some more suggestions for questions to prompt me to see through my amorous fog & think clearly about what my/our poly future might look like.

Thanks in advance!