Newbie Question

K

KCSMB

New member
I am part of a couple...just her and I. Ideally, we are looking for another couple within our age group, social, philosophical and geographical area for Friendship Plus. And, this is where it gets a bit complex.

We want friends that are, well, REALLY good friends. In this, we want to do things with them, like normal, but also have sex with them. However, we want to stay monogamous to them...but keep things even.

We don't want to interfere nor involve ourselves in their relationship, but we do want to be intimate with them. It doesn't quite feel like a "Poly" relationship, but it isn't really swinging, either, as it is more than just about sex.

That said, when you have friends that you have sex with...but the focus isn't on the "Sex", per se, rather on sharing a bond between us that doesn't include being part of a "Quad"....ugh....is there a term for this, or am I just too hung up on titles?
 
KCSMB said:
That said, when you have friends that you have sex with...but the focus isn't on the "Sex", per se, rather on sharing a bond between us that doesn't include being part of a "Quad"....ugh....is there a term for this, or am I just too hung up on titles?
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You might be a little hung up on titles, but really the issue is that you're putting the cart before the horse.

Let the relationships define themselves. Pre-defining a configuration like a "closed quad" (sounds like that's what you're going for) is very likely to cause frustration. Instead, why don't you guys meet people, build relationships, and let those relationships be what they are.
 
Well, it wont be the first time someone told me that I was overthinking something...Thank you for your reply...it is sage advice to let things occur naturally!
 
I think you're more likely to find what you're looking for in the swinger world than you are the poly world. When Hubby and I used to swing, we found multiple couples that enjoyed building the friendship and becoming more or less "exclusive" to one another - mostly so that condoms could eventually be ditched. It isn't something anyone ever talked about it, but it happened frequently that these closed groups would be formed, between 2 or more couples, who then wouldn't play with anyone else (or would only do group-approved activities with others).

Not many poly people I know would actively enter into that kind of situation. One reason being they and their partners are not always interested in the same people, and almost everyone has seen a triad or quad explode because of unequal affection (for example, you fall hard for other women, your wife is mediocre about other husband, other husband falls hard for your wife, etc). When certain links are weak and you're all wanted a solid square, it's going to fall apart.
 
Hi KCSMB,

The only label I can think of for what you're looking for is, "close friends with benefits." Not that the label really matters, as long as you know how to describe what you want. I have no idea whether you'll find it, but, it's possible.

Hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin

Thanks....that does help! It gives me something that I can put out there.

As far as "can I find it"? Sure! The world is big, and everyone has their wants/needs/desires. I firmly believe that we are all in a "Six Degrees of Separation" arena....we are not alone. That said, it isn't mainstream, even in the Swing and Poly realms, so it will be difficult. But then again, with patience and persistence, anything is possible!

:D
 
That's the spirit. :)
 
Hi KCSMB, Welcome to the forum! I've only been here a few months and equally new to poly, and have found most folks here to be friendly and helpful with sound advice and solid info.

By chance, my wife has a friend who is openly poly. A couple of years before my wife asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf, I had a conversation with her about poly out of "intellectual curiosity" - the very first thing she said was "There is no one right way to do poly" - a sentiment that I have seen repeated here and elsewhere as well.

While there is no one right way or set of rules to conform to, the generally accepted definition is along the lines of: "having multiple long-term, loving
relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved". So, what you are describing does fall within that realm, although it does resemble swinging as well because you are "restricting" your self to a partnered activity (with your current partner) - but if you are all emotionally bonded as well (not just recreational sex), that still falls within the general understanding of poly. But, as has been posted already - I wouldn't get too hung up on labels. It's whatever works for you guys - and what you negotiate between yourselves and other partners you may have.

Best of luck on your journey, Al
 
KCSMB said:
We want friends that are, well, REALLY good friends. In this, we want to do things with them, like normal, but also have sex with them. However, we want to stay monogamous to them...but keep things even.

We don't want to interfere nor involve ourselves in their relationship, but we do want to be intimate with them. It doesn't quite feel like a "Poly" relationship, but it isn't really swinging, either, as it is more than just about sex.

That said, when you have friends that you have sex with...but the focus isn't on the "Sex", per se, rather on sharing a bond between us that doesn't include being part of a "Quad"....ugh....is there a term for this, or am I just too hung up on titles?
Click to expand...

Interesting post for sure. My wife and I are in a poly relationship with another married couple that is very much as you describe. We have been intimate for 10 1/2 years now and it is awesome. I understand your desire for such a friendship. We are at this point fully committed to each other as much as we are to our original marriages though we don't live together yet. (Hope to someday) I have to agree with some of the others that said it would be better to let it happen naturally. We were not looking for it, or even open to the idea, when we became best friends naturally. In time our friendship overshadowed all of our other couples as friends. We had an attraction from the start, but being from religious backgrounds had never considered such a possibility. It happened gradually and naturally and fortunately all four of us are deeply in love with both of our sexual partners and are great friends with the same sex partner. (We're straight) I think this is rare to find and we consider ourselves very fortunate.

It is very possible things can develop for the two of you more quickly than it did for us though. For one thing you don't have to work through your own questions of morality like we did since you already embrace the choice. Secondly, when you become "good" friends with another couple and you both sense the attractions are mutual all around you can be more sexually playful at a quicker pace than we were. (It took us about 7 years to become intimate) The danger of course in pushing the sexual exploration too early is that when the challenges of blended romantic relationships come (They ALWAYS do) if the friendship is not really solid the group will break down, and possibly risk the marriages as well. Still though...it doesn't take too many get togethers with a fun couple to find out if you have similar views and openness regarding sexuality. A clothing optional romp in a hot tub can do wonders for exploring the boundaries. (It sure did for us)

Good Luck.
 
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My wife and I knew a lot of couples who were into swinging. We contemplated looking for a possible quad situation. It turned out we would usually both be interested in the girl, but she wasn't interested in the guy...lol

For me, the pressure to make it work just so I didn't rock the boat for everyone else would make it feel less honest.
 
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