I need help and guidance

L

lisa6

New member
Hi

My husband and myself married in 1995.. we have been involved with my BFF since 2015.. we have a triad .. we go on group dates and alone dates..

I love both my husband and my BFF equally..

My husband and I have had an agreement that we can look at each other's texts and communications..

Tonight I looked at his texts.. which I rarely do...

I saw that BFF referred to me as Miss needy.. I am devestated.. she went on a fat e with husband tonight and I even watched her kids so she could go on the alone date with husband...

At least now I know how she sees me and really feeela about my relationship with her..

People suck
 
Does your girlfriend know that you get to read all her texts with her boyfriend?

That is a huge invasion of privacy!

Does she get to read all the communication/texts you send her boyfriend? Or do you get to have private conversations without her getting to snoop.

Guess what you are insecure and needy. You don't trust your husband or girlfriend. They are not allowed private conversations without you reading them.
 
Consider the option, that it's a one time reaction to something particular, or talk about it; don't let it cloud your whole relationship.
 
Lisa, I have read your other thread, and it is very apparent that there has been a HUGE communication breakdown. There has been missteps from all sides. You were feeling hurt before the date and, could it be, that you read his texts so that you would find the proof you needed to justify feeling that way? Reading someone's private communications is NEVER a good idea and really IS an invasion of privacy. This became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and now you have, unfortunately, shifted some blame onto yourself. Having the "right" to read all communications IS a form of neediness.

Reading the text was only a symptom of the bigger issue at hand. It seems that you are feeling "third-wheeled." Only an open, honest, discussion with your BFF and husband will amount to anything productive. I feel bad for you, as you are obviously feeling left out and patronized. Somebody patronizing me is the absolute WORST thing they can do to me. It's terrible. You do deserve to have your needs met, but they also have a right to have privacy within their relationship.
 
lisa6 said:
People suck
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Everyone has thoughts about loved ones that are not flattering and romantic partners share all kinds of intimacies that are not meant to be witnessed by anyone else. People just are what they are - full of complex emotions and perspectives. What sucks is snooping, which is what happened here. Why would you and your husband even need to see each other's texts if everything is fine? There was something amiss here the day you and your husband made this agreement and upset that your BFF perceives you as needy is not where your efforts are best directed. Maybe this is the best thing that ever happened to your triad because it exposes a lot that needed to come to light.

Took at look at your other thread and I'd add this because it all fits together:
Nobody can make you a third wheel if you don't already feel undesirable. Nobody can patronize you unless you already feel inferior. This is why simply "stating your needs" is often perceived as "needy" and is only a small part of the communication equation. Your thoughts about yourself set the stage for how people respond to you - always. Improvement in relationships rarely happen because we call attention to our needs, but because we seek to improve our own self-image and our own perspective. We can only ever feel left out if we see ourselves as worth leaving out. A lot of self-reflection and personal responsibility are in order here for you, Lisa. This isn't about who done who wrong, but about learning from this situation in order to make your entire life better - for you.
 
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Dagferi said:
That is a huge invasion of privacy!
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powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Reading someone's private communications is NEVER a good idea and really IS an invasion of privacy.
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FallenAngelina said:
What sucks is snooping, which is what happened here. Why would you and your husband even need to see each other's texts if everything is fine?
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The 'I's have it!

Obviously combing through someone elses communication is not a good idea. If the association has any value at all there will certainly be vulnerable issues discussed without filter. These discussions would be quite jarring to outside readers... as you have experienced.

I don't know why you guys came up with this rule, but I suggest taking a close look at it. While you are doing that, I'm thinking there needs to be some frank, adult conversation between you and the people you are associated with. Unless I've missed my guess, there are some gaps in communication here.
 
I really hope you aren't feeling like we were ganging up on you. You are obviously hurting. I hope you guys can have some good communication going forward.
 
Hi..

I don't feel ganged up on at all.. I appreciate the guidance.. we have been doing this for 2 yrs but it is still a learning process...and that's ok..

I love both my husband and BFF and I know they love me as well.. it just a learning process...
 
Hi lisa6,

Sorry you had to see that text from BFF. I know I would be hurt if someone called me Mr. Needy. Don't give up on BFF yet, give yourself some time to recover.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
To give a contrasting viewpoint, I don't discuss my wife's faults. At all. I think this is the least that I can do to protect her dignity. I may, at times, when severely stressed, have hinted that things are less than they should be, but I give no details and shut down all communication along those lines.

I think it's more about respect for your partners.

While I would be a little peeved at some snooping, knowing that the private intimacy of faults between myself and my primary was shared between her and her secondary would really bother me. I expect each of my partners to protect me, even from themselves. That is, after all, very much a part of what I consider love to be. If a relationship is not supportive and empowering, it is not a loving relationship.
 
Hi thank you!

I feel comfortable that BFF cares about both me and my husband.. I do think that though that there is also some jealousy of me on her part and therefore sometimes she might feel some hostility towards me..

I am not really sure there is anything I could do to help her with that.. we all have group dates and also alone dates.. nothing is off the table.. she has also been invited to live with us.. I am not really sure what else I could do.. probably nothing because really it's her issue..any limitations on the real stop shop at this point would be from her end.. we are open for anything
 
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