Struggling with distance

[Jhyliah]

Hi,

I am new to poly armory and it has been difficult for me to say the least. But I value the person I am with and the processes it has led me through so far, enough to compromise for it for about one year.

Unfortunately my partner and I want to live on two seperate coasts. They want to be east and I sort of need to be west, not that I wouldn't compromise on that as well. I am feeling a lot of fear and insecurity because my partner has a partner who also lives on the east. I am afraid that the convenience and comfort od that relationship will mean they will never be with me for more that a few months visit on the west coast. This issue has led to a lot of jealousy and arguments between us. Even if they don't "break up with me" if we don't see each other for months we will grow apart, and certainly will not be as close.

To add to this, in the past when we've had physical distance it's led to arguments disconnections and conversations about finding other partners and breaking up. They also have aspergers and this makes it hard to communicate desires/needs over the phone when they are away. Mostly our relationship has had to break apart when we separate physically.

I think I am capable of working through poly amory but doing it at a distance and having faith that it will work out "one day" feels like I am lying to myself and not giving myself the space to discover what fulfills me. I really want this person in my life, but them already having a new partner somewhere else means I could not expect them to compromise for me and move back to the west coast. They also just don't want to be in the same town as me because they like their friends in the east coast. It feels like I am just less important that the lifestyle they've found on the east coast, but I agree that we shouldn't be compromising the lifestyle and the sense of home that we each have , in order to continue a relationship. But maybe I feel that passionately and they don't? We both are seeking stability and to be in one location for a while. Should I be letting go and giving up? Is there hope for a stabilizing solution?

 

[Shaya]

Dear Jhyliah,

I'm really sorry to hear of your terrible situation. Sometimes I wonder if distance tends to break relationships more often than money, personality or poor sex. Distance is hard, though many polyamory relationships are maintained despite the distance. Aspergers, as you have pointed may make things more challenging.

In the end, I feel as if both of you have to want this to work. Some people are not suited to long distance relationships and if one party is not as keen on maintaining the relationship as the other, you can't be the only one to fight for the relationship to continue. What I'm trying to say is that you both have to state clearly and plainly what it is that you want and what time you are both willing to invest into each other to keep your connection alive.

Another consideration (food for thought) is that monogamy is predicated on the assumption of scarcity combined with a desperate need to find the "best" partner in the shortest possible time then settling for life and excluding all others. This is why we have the term "break up". Polyamory does not have the same assumption of scarcity - everyone is still technically available and relationships "transition". Polyamorists don't call it a "break up", they call it a transition. Your love and sexual relationship is merely transitioning to a long distance friendship, or transitioning to a long distance emotional relationship with occasional meetups for a physical relationship. When the situation resolves, you may be able to transition back to your original relationship and pick up where you left off.

Hope this helps, Good luck
Shaya.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jhyliah,

Long-distance relationships tend to be really difficult, I have to say I'm not a fan of them. You and your partner will probably have to work hard if you want to keep this relationship alive. It sounds like you're willing to put in the work, but I don't know whether your partner is willing. Sorry if I'm taking a negative tone, I don't mean to. I hope the two of you can work out a compromise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

I am in an LDR myself and in a pretty sucky, frustrated phase between visits. He visits me mostly. He also has issues with communication, and last year, we went through a pretty horrible phase where he got into a relationship with a woman who wasn't really very good for him and it caused massive issues in our relationship and she was local and I was pretty horribly insecure. So I think I understand what you are saying somewhat, though no two situations can be the same. Some observations.

I value the person I am with and the processes it has led me through so far, enough to compromise for it for about one year.

It is fine and excellent to value the person and the process you go through, but never compromise - or rather don't compromise long term - occasional short compromises are often part of adjusting as a couple, but longer term, compromise basically means you can't be who you are fully.

For example, we are in an LDR too, but by nature I am asocial, so I quite ENJOY having my life to myself when he isn't around for the most part and when I don't, there are specific issues that need attention, not an overall discontent about not being together always.

He visits once a month at least as far as possible and he drops everything to come here if there is an emergency (my son had surgeries, father died, etc). This works for us for the most part, though our longer term vision is eventually living together.

I am feeling a lot of fear and insecurity because my partner has a partner who also lives on the east.

I have been through this and it sucks. There is no denying that easy access nurtures a relationship. That said, I would want it for him anyway.

I am afraid that the convenience and comfort od that relationship will mean they will never be with me for more that a few months visit on the west coast. This issue has led to a lot of jealousy and arguments between us. Even if they don't "break up with me" if we don't see each other for months we will grow apart, and certainly will not be as close.

Is there a possibility of sharing your time so that it isn't so large a gap between visits? That could help. At least for us, this one trip a month is what we have found to be the bare minimum we both are comfortable with emotionally. Any less and we get itchy. Arguments, discontent, nagging on when the next trip is... This is not to say every month will work for you, but improving the frequency - however slightly - could help. Even if it means "a few months" are not continuous. There are advantages and disadvantages. We have found that shorter visits tend to be bubbles away from our normal routines and we struggle to have a sense of normal routine with him here, because every trip is a honeymoon.

Also an issue of money. One thing we have learned over the last 2-3 years is that flight tickets can really add to the budget. I'm not even in a position to afford them. He is, but it seriously torpedoes his ability to save. I cannot overstate this, sadly.

They also have aspergers and this makes it hard to communicate desires/needs over the phone when they are away. Mostly our relationship has had to break apart when we separate physically.

Spexy has problems expressing emotions. He just can't without some kind of prompt or assistance. Some things that have helped are - constant conversations. A chat window is always on, with random small talk all day. Even being unable to express emotions, sometimes just sharing conversation works to keep a connection.

I have found fights help. Probably sounds mean to say this, but when my frustration about his remoteness builds and builds, I tend to explode in a furious rant. As long as it isn't a blame game or trying to corner him, he actually finds knowing what is wrong with me helpful in addressing it, because he cannot take hints. He just cannot. I have to ask, and some things you just can't ask for till they explode. Also, the whole process - of at least me stating my emotions intensely, him replying to what I am saying, takes conversation to deeper levels. It builds connection. I am not saying to engineer fights, but it is okay to get frustrated over distance and thrash it out with him rather than let the remoteness dissolve into a break devoid of meaningful interaction. One severe caution here is that unless you are both able to speak strictly about behavior instead of name calling or cruel anger, this probably will do more harm than good. Losing temper at obstacles between you is a good thing, losing temper at each other is probably not productive.

It is difficult to say what you should do or whether what you are doing is right or a hopeless compromise keeping you in a limbo. It is something for you to ask yourself and be willing to take an honest answer. My guess is that if you're a 24/7 kind of person, an LDR will be brutal unless it is temporary or you have a local partner yourself. On the other hand, if you enjoy having your life to yourself as well as share it with someone on occasion in a ratio you can live with, it could be fantastic.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Long distance relationships can work if you get into the special rythm of visits and keeping in touch over the distance. I am in an international long distance relationship (we have spent up to a month together at a time, but usually see each other for a week). It works surprisingly well, although we are looking for ways to close the distance (him moving to me, or possably me moving to him). He is the one person I speak to every single day.