Annoyance with okcupid

[confusedtink]

I'm sure you've all heard it before. I just felt a need for a rant. My picture was flagged and removed of my eyes because it doesn't fit their policy. Anyway I'm annoyed because I am not openly poly or openly bisexual. If I were to be open about either it would likely affect my volunteering and that would crush me. I'm just annoyed that they don't offer up other options for those of us who can't be open about our whole selves because of the lash back we'd receive. I guess I could just not be looking to date, but honestly I shouldn't have to choose.

Tink

 

[FallenAngelina]

I just took a look at OKC, because it's been awhile for me, but it appears that they are positioning themselves as an alternative to Tinder and other superficial dating apps. Makes sense as a marketing move. OKCupid has always aimed to present its members with more substance than other dating apps and their photo policy would follow that. You're right that OKCupid doesn't work well for people who can't be out for whatever reason, although many try to "hide" there, probably to less than satisfactory results. OKCupid is a business like any other, not a public service. Their policy is that your profile picture must be of you and this serves everyone who comes there looking for depth and authenticity in prospective partners.



SUBSTANCE, NOT JUST SELFIES.
There are two kinds of dating apps: theirs and ours. We go below the surface to show off the real you. Sounds like a nice change, right?

 

[WhatHappened]

I'm sure you've all heard it before. I just felt a need for a rant. My picture was flagged and removed of my eyes because it doesn't fit their policy. Anyway I'm annoyed because I am not openly poly or openly bisexual. If I were to be open about either it would likely affect my volunteering and that would crush me. I'm just annoyed that they don't offer up other options for those of us who can't be open about our whole selves because of the lash back we'd receive. I guess I could just not be looking to date, but honestly I shouldn't have to choose.

Tink

I agree with Angelina's comments but would also add this: if you are not openly poly, what do you have to offer your potential dates? A life of being the dirty little secret?

One of the reasons I broke up with my BF after 2+ years was that he wanted us to live in a bubble, just the two of us. He was never going to introduce me to his family.

I'm now watching him with his GF of maybe 18 months, doing the same thing to her. She's all over him on social media with likes and comments and follows and so on. He never acknowledges her in any way online. If his family ever asks questions, she's set herself up to be explained away as the nut-case stalker. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take her to realize this, and get tired of being the one to show all the love and give all the kudos online for nothing in return.

So I'm curious, if you're not able to even show your face on a dating site, is that about what you have to offer someone as your partner? A life of secrecy?

 

[BonzaiBlitz]

So I'm curious, if you're not able to even show your face on a dating site, is that about what you have to offer someone as your partner? A life of secrecy?

While I agree that OKC is frustrating on many levels, this question needs to be answered before you continue.

If you can't be out and proud, whether as poly or as bi, you need to reevaluate both, as well as what is keeping you from being so.

Additionally, who are you afraid of running into online?
Who have you seen on OKC that could put some part of your life in jeopardy if they learned of your bisexuality and/or polyamory?
Is this person(s) truly a threat, or are you assuming they would be based on some other factors?

 

[FallenAngelina]

I shouldn't have to choose.

This is the clarion call of every person who, for whatever reason, faces discrimination and outright danger for loving whom they love. Gay people and interracial couples faced this for millennia and in many places still do. In some places, even a so-called inappropriate age difference can present a real social problem. All non-monogamous relationship types certainly arouse "reactions" in many forms. You're right, people who are different than the perceived norm should not have to choose, but that is what coming out movements are all about.

 

[BonzaiBlitz]

This is the clarion call of every person who, for whatever reason, faces discrimination and outright danger for loving whom they love. Gay people and interracial couples faced this for millennia and in many places still do. In some places, even a so-called inappropriate age difference can present a real social problem. All non-monogamous relationship types certainly arouse "reactions" in many forms. You're right, people who are different than the perceived norm should not have to choose, but that is what coming out movements are all about.

Which is why you should be COMING OUT, not hiding your face.
Determine if hiding your face (and thus bringing unnecessary baggage to any new prospective partners) is worth whatever would be put at risk by coming out.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Tink,

I haven't had the same issues as you're describing, but I certainly know what it's like to get frustrated with OKC. I deleted my profile many years ago.

Hope you find a reasonable solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Emm]

My profile picture is of me standing next to a motorcycle. I'm wearing a helmet which shows enough of my face to satisfy the rules, but not enough to be recognisable.

It has nothing to do with shame or secrecy, but just that my love life us none of anyone's business unless I want it to be.

 

[confusedtink]

For those of you concerned for what I can offer a partner and what not in all honesty that would be between me and them. For those worried about secrecy let me assure you my family unit knows. Not my extended as in my parents or siblings. With the exception of my father I will eventually tell them.

For those who wish to understand my volunteer work is coaching children. Not that I ever plan on discussing my life choices with said children, but adults are often the biggest assholes bent on retaliation on people they don't like or agree with. I've already had one person try and keep me from coaching/managing and I'm not entirely sure as to why other than the fact that he is being a dick.

So you'll excuse me if I feel a little reticent to show my face where any of the people involved could possibly find me. Yes there are quite a few of them that are single and could possibly use that app.

Also as an FYI I do have a partner aside from my husband and she is ok with the fact that we are not currently out because of said situation. It doesn't mean it will always be that way.

Also for those who were constructive, thank you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Also for those who were constructive, thank you.

To my eye, nobody in this thread is anything but constructive, as it's a discussion about perceived societal pressures vs. individual expressions of love. You said "I shouldn't have to choose" and indeed, you should not have to choose, but you do have to choose if you're going to live within the confines of social fear. Using "welfare of the children" as a weapon against expressions of non-normative sexuality is an age old societal tactic to keep people from openly being who they are. Gay teachers faced this for centuries and although Western Culture has dramatically changed in recent years, many pockets of bigotry remain, presenting real threats and dangers to homosexual educators. There are always very good reasons that people remain closeted or partial closeted, but there are also very good reasons to live one's life in the open. This is why we see Coming Out movements and not Coming Out Commemorative Day. It's a slow process that involves massive individual and societal change, complete with judgement and soul searching all around. To me, this is the more beneficial topic of this discussion and not specifically what you should or should not do.

 

[Dagferi]

There are options for poly dating besides the Internet.

Go out into the real world and meet people there. It worked for generations before the internet.

 

[confusedtink]

I did not at all find whathappend's advice and questions at all constructive. How one can presume to question someone they don't even know and to assume that my partner is treated as a dirty secret is beyond me. You only have a portion of what the issue is.
As of right now to some people she is a friend, to those who know, she is my partner. Also there is no "perceived threat." It is an actual and viable possibility that if this certain group of folks found out they would in fact keep me out from coaching. I already was not put on the list, for some unknown reason, until my husband put my name on the list. I had already put my name forward at least two months before they approved anything. Not to mention I watched them do the same to other people for far less. I realize that means I shouldn't interact with these people, but my kids enjoy the game and I'm not letting small minded a holes keep my kids from what they love and what I love to do. So if that means closeted for now that's what it means. I don't think I should get flack for it.
As far as dating goes I guess I can just continue to go out to public events and hope maybe I'll strike somoeone's fancy and they won't go running just because they see the ring on my finger.

 

[WhatHappened]

I did not at all find whathappend's advice and questions at all constructive. How one can presume to question someone they don't even know and to assume that my partner is treated as a dirty secret is beyond me. You only have a portion of what the issue is.
As of right now to some people she is a friend, to those who know, she is my partner. Also there is no "perceived threat." It is an actual and viable possibility that if this certain group of folks found out they would in fact keep me out from coaching.

Nobody on the forum knows you, so if that's criteria, then all of our advice is equally valid or invalid.

I have not 'questioned' you in any sense of judgment (as I think you're implying?) but posing a question that is important to ask if you're frustrated with online dating. And if you are closeted enough that you can't show your face, then it's a fair question if you will expect dating partners to also be closeted with you--ie, a secret.

It's not presumption, so much as a reflection of your own statement that you can't show your face as a poly-dater and a reflection of having spent more than 5 years in the poly world, including reading these forums almost daily and knowing full well that many secondaries are expected to accept being a secret.

This expectation greatly reduces your dating pool and is therefore part of your frustration with OKC.

I think it must be someone else who mentioned a perceived threat.

....I'm not letting small minded a holes keep my kids from what they love and what I love to do. So if that means closeted for now that's what it means. I don't think I should get flack for it.

I think you had mentioned you already had trouble getting onto the list. It might be that your attitude toward the rest of the parents--as small minded a-holes--has some bearing on their desire to do volunteer work with you or have you around their kids.

And this is just the point: 'if that means closeted for now.' This isn't about giving you flack for that decision. It's about pointing out that your decision to remain closeted impacts your secondary--and greatly reduces your appeal as a dating partner if you expect them to hide their real relationship with you.

It's not 'flack.' It's a fact. No amount of changes on OKC are really going to change human nature and make more people willing to accept being closeted with you--or, as most people would say, being a secret.

As far as dating goes I guess I can just continue to go out to public events and hope maybe I'll strike somoeone's fancy and they won't go running just because they see the ring on my finger.

This is another attitude that isn't constructive on your part. "JUST BECAUSE" is a way of claiming--or at least implying--that a reason is frivolous. He cut me out of the will JUST BECAUSE I overslept by three minutes. She blew up at me JUST BECAUSE I got the wrong brand of Raisin Bran.

Choosing not to date someone BECAUSE SHE'S MARRIED is not a JUST BECAUSE. It is not a silly, frivolous, ridiculous reason. The fact that you are married impacts almost everything. Add to that you choose to remain closeted and therefore presumably expect dating partners to do likewise--and yet expect them not to call it being a secret, apparently--and there are VERY GOOD reasons to not date you.

Now throw in your attitude that they should find your being married and them keeping quiet about their real relationship with you perfectly acceptable--well, again, OKC can't fix any of that.

My advice is perfectly constructive if you choose to see the truth of what I'm saying and realize that if you want to find dating partners, you might have to re-examine some of your own thoughts, attitudes, and choices, or simply accept that it's going to be hard to find someone willing to date a married woman and agree to remain a secret...excuse me, closeted.

 

[tbrock]

Nobody on the forum knows you, so if that's criteria, then all of our advice is equally valid or invalid.

I have not 'questioned' you in any sense of judgment (as I think you're implying?) but posing a question that is important to ask if you're frustrated with online dating. And if you are closeted enough that you can't show your face, then it's a fair question if you will expect dating partners to also be closeted with you--ie, a secret.

It's not presumption, so much as a reflection of your own statement that you can't show your face as a poly-dater and a reflection of having spent more than 5 years in the poly world, including reading these forums almost daily and knowing full well that many secondaries are expected to accept being a secret.

This expectation greatly reduces your dating pool and is therefore part of your frustration with OKC.

I think it must be someone else who mentioned a perceived threat.



I think you had mentioned you already had trouble getting onto the list. It might be that your attitude toward the rest of the parents--as small minded a-holes--has some bearing on their desire to do volunteer work with you or have you around their kids.

And this is just the point: 'if that means closeted for now.' This isn't about giving you flack for that decision. It's about pointing out that your decision to remain closeted impacts your secondary--and greatly reduces your appeal as a dating partner if you expect them to hide their real relationship with you.

It's not 'flack.' It's a fact. No amount of changes on OKC are really going to change human nature and make more people willing to accept being closeted with you--or, as most people would say, being a secret.




This is another attitude that isn't constructive on your part. "JUST BECAUSE" is a way of claiming--or at least implying--that a reason is frivolous. He cut me out of the will JUST BECAUSE I overslept by three minutes. She blew up at me JUST BECAUSE I got the wrong brand of Raisin Bran.

Choosing not to date someone BECAUSE SHE'S MARRIED is not a JUST BECAUSE. It is not a silly, frivolous, ridiculous reason. The fact that you are married impacts almost everything. Add to that you choose to remain closeted and therefore presumably expect dating partners to do likewise--and yet expect them not to call it being a secret, apparently--and there are VERY GOOD reasons to not date you.

Now throw in your attitude that they should find your being married and them keeping quiet about their real relationship with you perfectly acceptable--well, again, OKC can't fix any of that.

My advice is perfectly constructive if you choose to see the truth of what I'm saying and realize that if you want to find dating partners, you might have to re-examine some of your own thoughts, attitudes, and choices, or simply accept that it's going to be hard to find someone willing to date a married woman and agree to remain a secret...excuse me, closeted.

You guys are full of BS. If she has job requirements or family members, children, church membership, neighbors, etc; a freekin multitude of reasons why she or myself or anyone would rather or not want to come out publically showing there face all over public or putting their loved ones in danger or children under ridicule. All she is asking is for is a means to live an alternative lifestyle without having to open up her damn life to everyone in the world. Most of us don't live openly in a safe places like California or NY or Chicago in some major city. A lot of us live in close proximity to families and have children and the consequences for coming out with something like this could be devastating. But does that mean she should not be accepted by dating sites or not be able to use them.

You guys are just as guilty as the people you pretend to hate. You are discriminating against her for her desire to find a partner on dating site and not open up her life to the dangers, and consequences of society for doing so.

You guys live in a fantasy world if you somehow think it is safe to come out publically in most mainstream American towns and say you are poly or a cuck.

 

[FallenAngelina]

You guys are just as guilty as the people you pretend to hate. You are discriminating against her for her desire to find a partner on dating site and not open up her life to the dangers, and consequences of society for doing so.

You guys live in a fantasy world if you somehow think it is safe to come out publically in most mainstream American towns and say you are poly or a cuck.

i encourage you to re-read the discussion. We were talking about the social environment around coming out vs. remaining closeted and the discussion is predicated on the idea that coming out can often be unsafe and why that is. That's the very purpose of coming out. If there is no threat, there is no need to come out. Also, upon a re-read you might correctly see that nobody is hating anyone, or pretending to. Also, there's no discrimination going on here. To discriminate, we'd have to exclude someone from participation based on "being closeted" and that's not happening here. We were talking about why OKCupid requires a fair degree of visibility, why closeted people can't reasonably expect to be able to make much use of that dating site and to what extent being closeted truly serves the closetee and his/her partners.

Many members of this forum are not "out" at all. Many are partially out and some are fully out. We don't discriminate or even care about anyone's level of outness, but we certainly do discuss the social ramifications when the topic arises. This is how movements move.

 

[WhatHappened]

All she is asking is for is a means to live an alternative lifestyle without having to open up her damn life to everyone in the world. .... But does that mean she should not be accepted by dating sites or not be able to use them.

Like Angelina, I feel you've missed the point of what has been said. Sure, we can all ask for what we want, but if I ask for a way to defy gravity and fly under my own power, that doesn't mean I'm going to get it, due to laws of physics. Likewise, there are social expectations and human nature which impact her ability to get exactly what she wants.

And if people advise me not to go jumping off a cliff just yet, that doesn't mean they don't accept me, it doesn't mean they hate me, it means that their experience is that I'm likely to fall to my death rather than soar.

You guys are just as guilty as the people you pretend to hate. You are discriminating against her for her desire to find a partner on dating site and not open up her life to the dangers, and consequences of society for doing so.

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

I do not hate anyone and in fact I myself was not out at all with my BF. My children didn't know he was married. Our social group, although all of us are quite close, does not know he has an open marriage. He is very much in the closet.

She is frustrated with the difficulty of finding a partner via online dating, and people here have pointed to a few things that are making finding a partner difficult. This is no more discrimination than a mechanic is 'discriminating' by telling me why my car is not running quite as smoothly as I'd like it to.