The story of Spork.

[Spork]

Things that I wound up doing last night...

I used more copper to brighten up the head. Unfortunately, the eye-draw towards the butt of the dragon is always kind of going to be a thing. The reason for that has to do with it being this calm area of homogeneous color and less detail, in just gazing at the piece, it's the one area that doesn't have a ton of busy shit going on, basically, and it's an eyeball-puller. It takes less effort to mentally process than exploring the details does, I almost think. And the wings create those two black voids there. I could probably paint them copper or gold, and it would change the focus, but I don't want to. I wanted them leathery black.

And I also followed suggestions given to me by starlight1, and by another friend on Facebook, which was to turn down the volume on the loud background colors somehow. I blackwashed it just enough to calm it down but not remotely enough to obliterate the colors entirely...they're more subtle now.

And then I re-sealed the whole thing. I have some different gloss levels of sealants in play that I wanted to experiment with...I used the "brilliant" high gloss for the dragon, except the wings which are matte, and the background is a regular gloss which comes off as a semi-gloss compared to the glassy, almost wet sheen of the dragon's surface.

And the other factor that cannot be experienced here in photos is that the painting is meant to be touchable. I've done plenty of work with acrylics and Mod-Podge, and once you've put a few layers down, it's pretty dang durable. No one is going to put this under glass, and there is a ton of interesting texture to it. Unless it is displayed someplace inaccessible, this guy wants to be touched, and that was on purpose.

But in looking at the process of making it, I love how inspiring I found various stages of the work. There were a couple of points where I was tempted to stop, but I had a vision of where I wanted to go with it. However, I need to make future pieces in solid matte black like that phase of it, and at the black/red puffy paint phase, that had great potential as well. (I only used that to get the raised scale texture, then I painted over it--I wanted him to be copper, not red & black.) But those stages in particular are good endpoints for future works.

And of course if you look at the matte black stage, and imagine it having the look and texture in person of black leather, and imagine kinky subject matter sculpted in relief instead of it being necessarily a dragon, that is a direction I hope to go and maybe sell stuff at the club, although frankly I could stick with a variety of dragons and probably do just as well. So many of the kinky folks are nerds, and dragons are always popular subjects. Since Voodoo is a gallery space as well as a dungeon, I figure I should make use of that...although I have seen the same pieces on the walls for a long time and I'm not sure that they sell swiftly enough to do me much good. I probably need to just stay very productive, and diversify, as there are plenty of galleries in my area. I think most of them sell on commission. But I need more product...

As with everything, finding balance in my time and energy is a challenge, but this is what I signed up for, I have to either get another job, or keep doing this, or go back to college. I can't just use all of my free time for leisure. And art is by far the most enjoyable prospect...

 

[Spork]

Also Zen comes home from Phoenix today! I get to go pick him up at the airport after work. I'm pretty excited and happy about that.


Also, I had an interesting thought-meander in the shower this morning.

It had to do with internal versus external sources of validation. So I perceive that there has been some conflict between my needs and behaviors that reach for and seek internal validation versus those that seek external, and my shapings of my own identity to try and fit various value models.

External validation seeking--

The positive side of this: is letting other people in and forging real connections. Really loving and accepting love. Partnerships become possible, with more people bringing more resources to the table and all benefiting. With the validation of others, I can be brave enough to explore aspects of myself that I reject, I can love parts of myself that I do not love on my own. And I am doing good, theoretically, in sharing positive feedback to another person, too.

The negative side of this: is giving others the power to shape my identity and to cause me emotional harm through indifference, rejection, or abuse. The insecure feelings that it's entirely possible that anyone could be simply deceiving me and not like me much at all, and therefore with all of this value invested in their opinion, I have less worth and value if my stock falls in their eyes. The fear that even if their feelings are genuine, they could change...I could age and lose my appeal, or I could behave badly and ruin it. I have to earn their love by performing somehow, by offering something, by trying to figure out what they want and need and trying to fill that as much as I can. And I am destined to disappoint. A feeling of being lost, not knowing quite who I am. If I use their love and regard to shape my own identity, then who am I when they are not looking?

Internal validation seeking--

Positive: Makes me feel "cool." Makes me feel strong. Resilient. Independent. Brave. Creative. This is me in a fortress. This was me during my marriage, more often than not, and that's probably why it went on for so long. This is me in a place where no one can hurt me because I really do not care what anyone does. My stepmother couldn't punish me because no matter what she took away, I was fine. I'd find a way to occupy my mind, I'd sit and imagine things if I had to. This was me in high school when I felt I couldn't be whatever "right" thing a girl was "supposed" to be, so I became a leather clad demon. I cared not one little bit for the opinions of anyone. This is me longing for my own apartment and finally getting it and blasting my tastes and decor all over every surface in the place, making it truly MINE. (But external validation Spork was sad that she didn't have more people to visit and admire all of her lovely things.)

Negative: Depression can get bad and I have no one to turn to. In fact the feeling that I have no one who cares, is probably one of the biggest negatives of this mindset. When I am the source of my own validation, it is easy for me to falter, to doubt. "The hell with everyone who does not love me, I shall become that which I love and love myself. I'll be better than all of you." fights with "The only reason that you have to be this way is that no one can really love you, you are not lovable. Everything you are is a posture, a lie." I tend, in this internal-validating mode, to take the areas of myself that I am most confident in, and amplify them...and to partition off anything that I am not confident about, and salt the earth where that is concerned. In other words, if feminine=vulnerable, then I am not confident with being feminine, so I reject expressions of femininity. I lean towards snarky, dark, and I only talk about subjects in which I am expert.

Oddly enough though, when I become self-validation-Spork, people are drawn to that. The more I need validation from others, the harder it is to get. This is a paradox I've tried to educate my sons in, because it can be very hard to navigate adolescent social environments and this whole dynamic first came into play for me in high school.

Anyways, the moment of insight I had was brief, my brain shortcutted all of these things I had to explain into a very quick flow of feels and memories that got instantly sorted into categories and logicked into this whole umbrella theory of internal validation versus external validation and the ways in which I have been healthy or unhealthy in either one.

Like so many things, it comes back to BALANCE. I will have to think further on this. To be all "zen" about it..."I will meditate on it."

 

[breathemusic]

Random thought... if you think your piece is better designed for low light, but you can't show it in low light... could you also have a photo of the art in low light displayed with the art along with a note so that people can basically observe how the painting "changes" depending on the light they have it under? I honestly think that would be a cool feature that people would like knowing!

 

[Spork]

Done!!

 

[Rockit49]

Awesome composition!

 

[Spork]

Random thought... if you think your piece is better designed for low light, but you can't show it in low light... could you also have a photo of the art in low light displayed with the art along with a note so that people can basically observe how the painting "changes" depending on the light they have it under? I honestly think that would be a cool feature that people would like knowing!

That is a good point. I will consider if I can find a good way to communicate that. I don't think I can get a decent photo printed at this point...my printer at home is rubbish and the one at work is black and white...but I may be able to put some sort of a note along with the title and media mentioning that the colors are more rich in warmer light. That's really the crux of the matter is that in warm light it becomes more deep and rich, in cooler light, more bright and poppy.

Actually, in showing it to others at work (the photo) multiple people asked if I actually had made it out of metal. And looking at it at home, in person, it looks even more like metal, until you start touching it. I hope people do touch it. I might put up a sign letting people know that they can. It's not going to get broken unless someone hits it with a crowbar or something, it's pretty solid and the paint is well protected under multiple layers of Mod-Podge sealant. Have I mentioned how much I love that stuff?? *sigh* Adhesives. <3

So I read this thing that Tinwen linked to...

Here

...and I have thoughts...

Women generally prefer men with deep husky voices because they seem more confident and not aggressive.

Science confirms the preference. Everything after "because" is speculative.

The people who give the best advice are usually the ones with the most problems.

The author clearly knows my mother.

The way a person treats restaurant staff reveals a lot about their character.

Hm...Most people treat restaurant staff "normal-polite." But I can make interesting observations. Worm King and I had a very memorable dinner at a fancy steakhouse once. Somehow he ends up talking to this young waiter about electric cars. How in the hell that happened, I have no idea. The waiter says that there are three electric charging stations along I-70 in Kansas. Worm King does not believe this, and ends up yelling "YOU'RE A LIAR GAVIN" as the waiter is trying to wait on the table next to us. Yet it's hilarious somehow and everyone in the vicinity genuinely laughs. (It's all in his tone.) Also, he connects with the waiter by instantly remembering and repeatedly using his actual name. Character translation: Outrageous, but somehow still likable. Very sharp but clearly deliberate people skills (he is an introvert and hates being around people, but knows damn well how to "work" them.)

Analyst: I remember several instances where his food arrived last, or his order was messed up. These kinds of minor misfortunes seemed to happen to him often. Like he was ALWAYS the one whose food came when everyone else was halfway done eating. He would get prickly, and clearly be barely restraining himself to try and be polite, and often slipping into cutting snark. But if he received an excellent meal and really good service, I would bet my boots he tipped better than anyone else in the place.

Zen's friend (the one with the marriage drama and triangulation that I decided I didn't really need to be friends with)... His treatment of waitstaff has reinforced my negative opinion of him more than once. He pesters them with a million small questions. He speaks for his wife as though she cannot speak for herself, demanding to know EXACTLY how much garlic is in the meatballs on that day, because you see his wife is intolerant of garlic, (and meanwhile she's trying to get him to shut up because either she doesn't really care or didn't even want meatballs, but he insists she HAS to have them)...and he keeps the waiter hopping with a hundred requests. We ate at this one place, and I'm used to a routine at restaurants...order drinks, figure out what you want, be ready to order your meal when the drinks come. I was STARVING that day, and I'd mentioned the fact that I was very hungry. This guy ordered a drink, then a drink with a chaser, then he didn't like that chaser, then there was a speck on his glass, then he ordered something for Zen, which Zen did not ask for, but the friend determined he needed to have, then it was something else...he tried to be sweet and smiling and cute about it with the waitress, but he kept her running back and forth for like half an hour, or more, to the point where I could not get a word in edgewise and had to eventually speak up and say "I'M READY TO ORDER SOME FOOD NOW." It felt like he was actively preventing her from either waiting on anyone else in her section, or even taking my food order. And he did it with this air of smug control that made me want to throw something at him. This guy flies all over the world for work, pretty much constantly, and I can only imagine how insufferable he's got to be on an airplane. I bet he demands constant attention.

So when Zen first introduced us, or before then really, he tried to prepare me and say that this friend was kind of an asshole, but he's known him forever. I said that I was sure I could get along with him, I can get along with anyone. Well that is true, I very well COULD get along with the guy...if I wanted to. The question is, do I really want to? He kind of made me look back at other interactions in the past where I had to censor my own thoughts and opinions, take a backseat, and let some belligerent ego-baby bounce up and down in the spotlight because he needed to. I CAN get on with people like him. I've done it before. But you know...at this point...if there isn't anything significant in it for me, I can just as easily not deal with someone if I don't want to. I can say, "no thank you." I'm not the poor waitress who has no other choice, or the unfortunate stewardesses on this guy's international flights. I can decline to spend my time in his presence, be cordial but distant.

In his case, I think how he treats waitstaff, is a very good illustration of his character.

Zen with waitstaff? He doesn't hesitate to ask for what he wants, but he doesn't make an unreasonable amount of demands or requests, and he is polite in a sincere way and he thanks them like he means it.

Women have twice as many pain receptors on their bodies than men, but they have a much higher pain tolerance.

I have seen Mythbusters and other science demonstrate the latter part of this sentence, but I haven't seen any science to show the "more pain receptors" bit.

Doing things that scare you will make you happier.

I enjoy doing scary things in moderation, and when I feel like I've got a modicum of control over it so I'm not in true peril. Depends on the kind of the fear. Adrenaline inducing thrills? Yes. Pushing inhibition boundaries? Yes. Ongoing stress-fear due to unstable life conditions? NO.

The average amount of time a woman can keep a secret is 47 hours and 15 minutes.

I would love to know how they came up with this. Did somebody science this? I want to see that experiment. And then tell everyone I know all about it.

Being alone for a long time is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was worse. Experiments with rats showed that social isolation was a key indicator of addiction and unhealthy behavior.

That is just a few of 'em that I made me have thoughts...

I have another funny story, about the last couple of days, but I will put it in a second post...

 

[Spork]

So funny story.

Monday I called in sick and stayed home. Stomach stuff. Whatever. I woke up feeling like I needed to take the day off, and that does not happen very often, and I knew there wouldn't be an issue with it as far as my employers are concerned. So I did.

And I felt, later as the day progressed, up to getting things done, and I did accomplish a satisfying amount of work at home. All good.

Problem was, I did not want my 15 year old son to know that I called in. He is at the age where he loves any excuse to miss school if he can get away with it. He is a hypochondriac and a germophobe, he's just kind of neurotic anyways. If I were to tell him I did not feel well, he'd be sicker immediately, if I let on that I missed work, he would have to also miss school, and he'd throw a fit if I didn't let him. No...I didn't want to deal with this.

But he would arrive home, and I would be home, when normally I am not...what to do? Well. I lied. Yep. I lied to my kid. I'm not even sorry, or ashamed. I don't care. This is a damn good example of the fact that I don't consider lies to be inherently always evil...and I'm not offended if others lie to me, depending on the circumstances. (I always say, if I am counting on you because you promised something, and you lied and you don't deliver, I will be very unhappy...I'll basically write you off as unreliable... But if you embellish a story from your childhood or something, I really don't care. It doesn't have a serious impact on anything material to my life.)

In this case, I felt justified in it. I do not want the kid blowing off school just because I blew off work, or monitoring himself for signs of physical illness.

So I told him that our systems at work were down, our internet connections, our computers, and that we couldn't get any work done and sent us home.

He accepted that, and the matter was dismissed. No big thing. Very well.

That was Monday.

So yesterday, I was at work. I came back from lunch, and got back to my desk, logged back into my computer to get back into my work and all. Five minutes later, .....the power goes out. I sat in the dimness, blinking at my blank screen, and then turned around and looked at my coworker, as others looked to one another, and out windows, and generally behaved in a disorganized "now what" sort of confusion. Seems a transformer "blew" (?) not far away, and all of the local businesses were without power. Estimated fix time was 1-3 hours. So they let us go home early, a paid afternoon off.

That was yesterday, Tuesday.

So that happened.

I went home and got some housework done, but I most certainly did not want to be there when my kid got home, if I had to come up with a reason for being home early in the afternoon two days running, he'd surely think I lost my job and just didn't want him to know or something, so I made sure I left before he got home from school. I had to drive up to Denver to pick up Zen from the airport anyways. I was there early, but it's easy for me to spend an hour sitting in my car looking at Facebook on my phone anyhow.

Got Zen, and we went to Outback steakhouse. I got a ribeye steak with bourbon and bacon glaze. Oh my god. That bourbon sauce was so good, I begged them to sell me some. They had no problem doing that, but the stuff comes in a big plastic bag...so they put this enormous plastic bag of sauce in a styrofoam to-go container and sold it to me for $8. I was so happy. On top of having a very serious case of happiness just to have my Zen back with me. Yesterday I kept having odd moments where I would visualize kissing him and just start smiling. So we went back to his place and I was up a bit late, but no regrets. The sex was delicious and wonderful. Like bourbon sauce. Mmm... *happy sigh*

 

[Tinwen]

Great dragon, Spork! (Sometimes I just want a like button on this forum, but since there is non, I have to tell you that I like how you made the head brighter now )

So I read this thing that Tinwen linked to...

Oh dear, I didn't expect anyone to take it seriously! Thankfully you didn't ... I agree, it seems to be a gathering of purely interpreted research "facts" (or even "research" "facts"), some better known than other

 

[Spork]

Great dragon, Spork! (Sometimes I just want a like button on this forum, but since there is non, I have to tell you that I like how you made the head brighter now )


Oh dear, I didn't expect anyone to take it seriously! Thankfully you didn't ... I agree, it seems to be a gathering of purely interpreted research "facts" (or even "research" "facts"), some better known than other

*shrug* I read the thing, it gave me thoughts. Research or no research, some of them made me smile and kind of agree, and the one about the waitstaff, I found it interesting to think about people I have known and how they act in restaurants.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I completely agree that the treatment of waitstaff says a LOT about a person's character. With my flaky family, we do tend to be a bit "high maintenance," but we are ALWAYS very courteous and tip extremely well.

The few times I have been out with a lousy tipper (luckily I haven't had the misfortune of dining with a boor who abused the server), I have observed other less than stellar qualities in that person. Being a former server myself, I can't abide poor tipping and would always wind up leaving a few dollars on top of the shameful amount my date would provide, much to their consternation.

 

[Spork]

I completely agree that the treatment of waitstaff says a LOT about a person's character. With my flaky family, we do tend to be a bit "high maintenance," but we are ALWAYS very courteous and tip extremely well.

The few times I have been out with a lousy tipper (luckily I haven't had the misfortune of dining with a boor who abused the server), I have observed other less than stellar qualities in that person. Being a former server myself, I can't abide poor tipping and would always wind up leaving a few dollars on top of the shameful amount my date would provide, much to their consternation.

Well, I've been a starving server, too, and I always try to tip 20-25% unless there is reason to leave a lot more, or the server was like shockingly awful, which pretty much never happens.

But what my dates would leave, well...except Zen, who does use cash, most of the people I've known (myself included) use plastic, and so only the person who is paying really sees what is left as a tip. I wouldn't know if I had a stingy date. But I'd sure know if I had a rude one, or a...weird...one, like the Worm King.

God, my brief time as a waitress was one of the biggest job fails of my life. I'll never even try that again. I'll do anything else. I'll clean toilets, dig ditches, anything. I can NOT wait tables. I suck at it. At one restaurant, a Lone Star steakhouse on the east side of Cincinnati, Ohio, I worked for a while...we had the most disgusting manager. He had a 70's moustache, wore his shirt open to show off his chest hair and his gold necklace and always had a big belt buckle. And he sleazed it up and put his hands on all of the waitresses. Called us by endearments and was just generally gross.

And it was in a bad location, hard to get to from the main road and had very little parking, and business was always slow. I was like 18 or so, and I was so broke, I was scavenging leftover food off of people's plates, and stealing loaves of bread after they'd sat in the warmer too long and lost their freshness, and generally trying to eat for free as much as possible, because I sure was not making tips, but they paid only tipped minimum wage, which back then was less than $2/hour. They wanted us to learn how to country line dance, and I'd hide in the walk in fridge every time they tried to get us to do that.

Prior to that I worked briefly at another restaurant, one of those on par with Dennys or Ihop, but this one was frequented by mostly senior citizens. I remember one old man who tipped me in candy bars. He was adorable, so I couldn't even be upset.

But yeah...I just couldn't live as a waitress. It was a doomed endeavor.

So I've got to finish out my day here at work and then run home and pack, then I'm spending the night with Zen and going to Denver tomorrow for Starfest. I have realized that like many artists, I am prone to the mistake of under-valuing my work...and as much as I'd like to get some money right now from this, and I could sure use it, this piece is lovely and I'd totally hang it on my own wall, or even try to sell it at the dungeon (which is also a gallery.) So I am taking a chance and putting $300 starting bid and $500 to buy it outright. If it does not sell, that is fine. But if it does, well...I have 30 hours of work in it, and then there is the cost of materials and the 10% commission that the convention takes, as well as the fee for space to even display it. Frankly...I don't think I am asking too much.

I looked at photos from previous conventions. I think that my work will stand out, most of what's there is very deliberately trying to appeal to the Con crowd, as it's a lot of portrait work, prints, digital art, I even saw pottery with what looked like maybe Klingon writing or something on it. There was jewelry and wire & gem "trees" on rocks and steampunk gun mods and robots. But nothing quite like this.

I got it wired this morning for display. I'm glad I googled and read various instructions on how to do that, I found one that makes me feel very good about the overall sturdiness, involving six eyelet screws, placed in such a manner as to distribute the weight bearing and not put the load entirely on two screws and one wire. I even glued pieces of craft foam to the back corners, to protect walls and keep it from shifting once it's hung up.

I seriously considered including the concept sketch with the painting. But I decided not to. Keeping that sketch will allow me to reproduce the piece either in this style, or in one of the other styles I liked so much. Maybe get some more mileage out of the idea with less trial and error and more certainty, maybe it won't take 30 hours to finish the next one.

Looking forward to all of this weekend, seeing some of Zen's friends that I liked when I met them before, and spending time in a hotel with my lover, and everything. It should a lot of fun!

 

[Spork]

Well guys...

The art did not sell.

And I find myself ok with that. Not only due to the true fact that I love the piece and would be ok keeping it, though I will probably see if I can display it and offer it for sale at the BDSM club which is also an art gallery...but here's the thing...

I had a pretty strong feeling when I hung it in the room at the con, that it would not sell for the price I wanted. But I did not want to drop the price, because in the bigger scope of things, it is worth that to me. The room was a standard small meeting room in the hotel, carpeted and lit as you would expect, and the means to display things was on battered pegboard. There were many cool steampunk sculpts, guns, gadgets, and those leather bound books with various designs, pottery, and a lot of prints. Very few original wall pieces, none so big or elaborate. In other words, the setup (not necessarily the art on offer, but the space where it was displayed) was more like a craft bazaar, and less like an art gallery.

Which is fine, if you're selling leather crafts or cool little tchotchkes made of rocks and wire, or even digital art or prints.

But I have put 30 hours into this piece. I am not willing to part with a 30 hour piece of art, for $100. Especially given that among my GWAR community when I've done commissions for an 11x14 painting with a custom frame, I sell those for $200. This is a 2' by 3' sculptural relief original painting, which can not be reproduced. Had I sold it for $300, which was the lowest price I would have accepted, I'd have gotten $10/hour for my time, and eaten the cost of materials and the 10% commission.

When I checked out, the lady clucked at me and told me I'd overpriced the piece for this crowd. I simply smiled and said, "I know." Not only for the bargain hunters at the con, but for the fact that the room didn't really flatter any of the pieces in my opinion. Make the place look a bit like a flea market, shoppers expect flea market prices. This impression was why I didn't really invest myself emotionally in whether it sold or not.

But here's the sweet thing about that... Right now I have a few other projects I must devote my time to, but once I've cleared those, I'll be back into the art saddle. I'm now full of ideas and inspiration. And I think that now I've done a prototype of this sort of thing (this is the first I've done in this style) I should be able to turn out future pieces more quickly. Which means I will have more of them to sell, and be able to price them in more affordable ranges to appeal to more buyers, not only because my process will be (hopefully) more efficient, but because I will make a variety of sizes and complexity, and price them accordingly.

And of course the dungeon is beautiful and is more of a gallery setting for the display of pieces on commission, which means they are more appealing to the eyes of buyers. And if still, no one is keen to pay $300 for my Kupro the copper dragon relief, then I will at least be decorating the walls of my favorite place while he is there. I don't have a good place to hang him at home, until after I move, anyways. It all works out.

So the convention...

I got to briefly enjoy the company of Walter Koenig and Rene Auberjonois of Star Trek fame (among other credits) and they were both delightful, though I think what touched me most was that one of our friends had a baby with them, and both of these old gentlemen were utterly captivated by the baby...Dad was sitting there holding his son and little Will was reaching out tiny baby hands to try and touch the faces of these celebrities, and Dad was a huge fan, and the whole scene was just adorable as could be imagined. Rene in fact took a photo of the dad and baby and posted it on Twitter, where it has received quite a bit of attention. Walter Koenig gave my group a shout out during his Q&A talk. We apparently made an impression.

Also there was a man, Michael Quinn, who we sat and watched his Q&A, and he was known for playing the alien pilot in Star Wars, Nien Nunb, but that (in my opinion) is not his most significant career credit, since he did a lot of work on The Dark Crystal (!!!) and Labyrinth (!!!!!) and Fraggle Rock ( ) and other Muppet stuff. Oh that is so exciting to me. I loved his talk, at the end, he held up his hand and demonstrated some of the expressiveness of even a simple Muppet, and I swear to you, it was just his hand but it was like Kermit. Mind blowing a bit really. Tickled my imagination in very happy ways.

And I got to nerd out about GWAR with a couple of indie horror film makers.

And Zen and I had a lot of fun in our hotel room. One morning after I'd enjoyed a particularly vigorous couple hours of his attention, we got a notice under our door regarding the noise complaint policies of the hotel. It warned against "excessive rowdiness." We decided later that it was probably (maybe?) a standard notice that everyone got...but at the time it seemed like perhaps it was a warning, and we joked about it.

There were lots of interesting people and cool cosplays. And it was nice that it wasn't as exhausting as Comic Con. I really believe that one of the main reasons for that was that at CC you have to walk through the "dealer room" (where they have all the tables and stuff for sale) to get to and from several other things going on, particularly the autographs and photo ops, and the food...and just going from here to there at CC takes several times longer, the crowds are thick, and you shuffle along at a slow crawl...and the hotel for StarFest is nowhere near as big as the event center for CC. Though there was some other stuff for StarFest going on at another hotel across the street, and we didn't even go over there...but yeah, just moving around from one thing to another thing at Comic Con saps and drains your energy, it felt like to me. My feet ended up hurting. They didn't, at StarFest.

So yeah, I think I like StarFest better than ComicCon.

I wish it were easier for us to get to one of the ones with musical performances though. Voltaire plays cons sometimes, and Zen says he saw Abney Park at one and I would LOVE to see them live... One day maybe.

More than anything else when it comes to travel though, I want to go back east and spend some time on the beach. I miss the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I have not been back there since 2012, which was the last family vacation we did...me and the kids, at least...Old Wolf couldn't make it, or didn't want to.

 

[Spork]

Well, I talked to my lawyer today and that went well. Seems my son can go ahead and get a job, and a few other things I thought might be issues, won't be issues, so overall good news there...the next time I see him, I'll be ready to drop the last bit of payment and paper to get this bankruptcy underway. I hate it...still, you know, worked really hard for my good name and it sucks that it came to this. I talked to my ex on the phone last night and I told him I wish that either I'd broken up with him and left in 2014 when our credit cards were paid off, or that I'd been able to keep it all together until the kids were grown. I don't feel there was much advantage in the timing of things. And while my intentions were good in waiting around a year after we broke up, for him to figure out what he was doing (one minute he was leaving, the next he wanted to stay but keep the kids, then he wanted me to leave and take the kids, he was going to kill himself, but then he wasn't, but then he wanted to sell the house, keep the house, rent the house to me, burn it to the ground, etc etc) ...He kept me so completely uncertain, because I thought I had to wait until he decided what direction to go, and then react accordingly. Like if I'd just made up my mind and left then he would do something crazy or put up a fight over it...and meanwhile, he was waiting to see what I wanted so that he could try to deny it to me. We had this nasty subtle little dance going on. For like a year. Meanwhile, those credit balances just kept on climbin'.

Word to the wise. If you decide it's over...don't linger. Things aren't going to get better. They're going to get worse.

So here we are. But it'll be a new start, I guess.

Also, I've been ignoring/screening the collection calls, since I decided that bankruptcy was the inevitable thing that I'd have to do, the last resort was my only option...I last paid everything, I think in February? Maybe January? So they started calling. But with cell phone technology, it's too easy to not answer the unknown calls. And I have a policy of not discussing my personal info (yes I know, I overshare here and everywhere...I mean my acct numbers, social, etc) unless I'm the one who has initiated the call. So I've been calling my creditors directly and giving them the info on the lawyer and all. Gotta once again give props to my favorite ever financial institution that I ever dealt with, Wells Fargo. You know, I can't lie, even though they support the DAPL I still have squeggy feelings about having to cut ties with Wells. I used to work for them, they were my first real job. I maintained my accounts lovingly and meticulously for a long time, and their customer service was always great (for me, I know YMMV on this)...I always had great experiences with them. Well, out of everyone I have called, they had Americans without accents answering the phones and they were extremely courteous even though the nature of my call was to tell 'em I was stiffing them a pretty heavy chunk of money.

Sorry guys. Really.

So tonight is the last night of Zen's vacation and our sexual marathon that began on Friday. Last night was lovely and chill, we had dinner at an Italian place we like, and we a nice little carb coma after, where we lay together naked in his bed just snuggling and touching and snoozing on and off...then some lovely sex play that left me happy, disheveled, and exhausted. "Nothing too athletic" as he put it. Well I rather like how we do sometimes like that, because it also feels so enjoyably relaxed and not...demanding. There is no requirement on how it's got to be, because we're loving our time together and enjoying the company and contact.

 

[Spork]

Well last night we might have been a little TOO "not demanding" in that I was looking forward to sex, and I think he was too, but somehow we both just wound up going into "brain mode" and deep conversation that sorta hijacked the whole evening. It was enjoyable, if maybe not quite what either of us had in mind!

We did wander into the subject of how I feel about his interest in celebrity women and all that...but in fiddling the mental Rubik's Cube of logic that I can apply to those feelings, I found one way to look at it that made it a lot easier. That maybe it was not just that these celebrity women are so much BETTER than everybody else (me included) but that they are basically accessible. It resulted from a cranky piece of snark that popped into my brain during the con, where I said to myself, "He's so darn excited about <star> because she's young and pretty and famous, and apparently the fame is so important, because there are young pretty women everywhere at this convention, and why the hell doesn't he see them or ask any of them for an autograph??" Like the whole thing that a real gal will never be as special as one on a screen in a fantastical role. Being a real woman myself, that has been a piece of struggle for me. I was never afraid that Zen would cheat on me, I was afraid that after years of dream and fantasy, the real thing (in the person of my own self) will disappoint. Well, I later logicked, why DOESN'T he ask any of the hundreds of pretty girls at the con for an autograph, or a bit of attention or conversation? Because it would be weird, maybe? Because a celebrity has sort of an implied expectation, to give the fans the smile and the appreciation and the friendly interaction, because there is a REASON for you to be interacting and talking?

Lest anyone think...I'm not talking about the many celebrities where Zen, or I, or anyone, appreciates their work and is just a huge fan of their acting. I was looking at a situation where he had not seen anything this one young lady had ever done, and could barely recall how to pronounce her name...but she was cute though.

So anyways, I don't know why, but that basic notion of ACCESSIBILITY has been important somehow to helping me relax about all of this. Even if Zen does not entirely agree. The whole thing is, I'm trying to let go of the feeling that because of the fannish behavior and excitement even if he hasn't even seen her show, that fame simply makes some people SUPERIOR in his eyes. I would rather not have to become a famous person, to feel like Zen is excited about time with me, and I don't want to tell myself that large pieces of my life and time and love are not worth as much as a few minutes from someone who is famous...there is a sort of reverence where they become more than just a person. Well, I have never really bought in to the whole...celebrity...thing. I mean, most people get it better than I do. I see magazines in the grocery store line, talking about the personal lives of famous people and I'm like, "Seriously, why am I supposed to care about this? I don't know these people, so I really don't give a rat's arse who they're marrying, divorcing, or screwing..." It makes me angry that our society gives them more material reward (money) for what they do, than we do the people who teach our children. It's like when all of our eyes and attention are fixed upon these humans, they become godlike or something. And it's really weird to me.

But at the same time, I really love and adore Zen, and this autograph collecting and being a fan of lots of media...shows, movies...and the people who make these stories come to life... Well that is part of who he is and I love him. All of him. I really love his extensive knowledge of all these movies and shows, too, and that we can watch lots of stuff together that I've never seen. And I can look at his collection of autographs and think even that is pretty cool. It's just one day, if I have devoted myself to this man and built lots of memories together, hearing him tell someone that the one time Morena Baccarin touched his shoulder was like the greatest moment of his life...?

Can anyone understand why I feel like a million moments I could give won't equal even one from a godlike STAR person?

That's what I've been trying to resolve, and get past, and set aside. These comparisons are not logical. One thing is not like another.

What I am damn sure absolutely NOT doing, is asking, wanting, or expecting Zen to change anything he is doing because of this. I know that he does not want me to feel unhappy about any part of our relationship, and he's a bit at a loss of what to do. Really, the only thing he can is to just keep loving me, reassure me that I am not just what he's got, I'm what he wants, and be patient as I figure out how to pick apart my little triggers and knots in my head.

I read a thing that a friend shared on FB that had a very brief bit that resonated on the subject...I'm not saying that the overarching premise or the entire article is necessarily oh, so right about me, but the one bit definitely did hit home.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/03/how-i-discovered-that-i-was-the-emotionally-unavailable-one/

I discovered that my past relationships had been based on conditions. I would be shown affection, but only on the condition that I was meeting their emotional, mental, or physical needs. If anything within my behavior disappointed them, their loving actions were withdrawn and replaced with hurtful, destructive ones.

I am not afraid of being cheated on, or even losing my partner. I am afraid of being disappointing to them, specifically. I realized this long before I read this article. That word was dropped like a pebble into my pond at one point last year and I suddenly realized how much meaning was attached to it. "Disappointed." It was a bit of a breakthrough, I guess, because I realized that was the source of an awful lot of my own bad code and bad habits and bad feelings...my parents used that word to say, "Because you're not as good as we wished our child was, we love you less." At least that was the message they sent, as an adult I know, they did not mean to. But they said they were disappointed, and then they withdrew their affection and time and care, becoming more distant, more absent, and leaving me to sort of go feral. I was not the daughter they wanted...they were still in my life, sure, they did not entirely sever our relationship, but it wasn't much of a relationship. I was there, just...disappointing. They wanted to be proud of me, but there was not much to be proud of. And later, when they lavished connections and love and support and money on my brother, and left me to struggle in poverty, it was pretty clear who was the worthwhile kid and who was the disappointing one. He got a paid trip to Europe, I got to be stuck raising kids with an abusive partner, and to work my way up from homelessness. It's OK, I thought...I'll find my own way. I don't need them. And I guess I did. But see, I also have an awful lot more faith in my own love of myself, than I do anyone else's love of me. It's actually kind of challenging to accept and receive love, as the article describes.

We have to be very careful in life. We can replay the same scripts over and over. I don't want to do that.

So what I want from my relationship with Zen...and this, of everything I have typed so far here, is the hardest...because I very often don't feel worthy of asking for what I need or want. That is hard! What I want...is just to feel special enough on my own merits. That I am enough to be a satisfying partner, that he can be proud to have by his side and enjoy having in his life. And I am by no means saying that he does NOT make me feel that way. I am only saying that in supporting me as I get my stuff worked out (and I do feel there's been progress in that)...that's the kind of loving reassurance that helps. And patience. He has been patient, and I appreciate that.

We also talked briefly about the possibility of romantic involvements with other women. He said something to the effect that he would not take an interested woman up on an offer of sex because he has a girlfriend... And I said, "hey now, we haven't negotiated that." It isn't that I WANT him to chase other women, or that I am driven to pursue them myself, or that I want him to commit to only me, either. What do I want? Only that his choices be his own. I did not commit to Zen because he laid down the law and made rules for me to follow, I committed to Zen because I decided it was a choice I was prepared to make. If there is anything I might ask, it would be for him to simply be honest with me and let me know if he has another likely lady in his life.

And if he wishes to be mono and fidelitious to me, then I'd like that to come from his choice to be, not from me demanding it or assuming that's just how it is. He has not volunteered that position, so I assume the matter remains open on his end. He's got my promise because I chose to make it. He has not yet made that choice. That's how I see that.

Now would I like it if we could have like a threesome with a pretty woman that we both like, one day? Oh, sure. But I have no idea if that will ever materialize or not. Once in a while, in social situations, I mention that I'd be open to it, but also that I won't be in active pursuit of opportunities. I won't make unicorn hunters of us, not in the poly sense or even the swinger sense.

In general though, I don't feel terribly threatened by the notion of him having sex with another woman. That is not the trigger here.

 

[Spork]

In fact this also pings back to part of the mess of my marriage with Wolf, too, he complains that he was so loyal and that should be worth something. Most women are afraid their man will cheat, and he felt like I never gave a damn if he did or not. This was perceived by him as me not valuing his gift of loyalty. But his "loyalty" was all about HIM. He wasn't faithful because he was HAPPY TO BE WITH ME, he was faithful because simply being loyal made him feel like a worthy person. It made him feel morally superior and righteous and good, and like he should be rewarded for it. It had nothing to do with him seeing me and valuing me. Big difference between "I love you so much I want to give you a commitment, you are all I want"...and "I am loyal, and you should appreciate that." Even if the end result is the same, the feelings that back it up are not. One is based on the ego, and one is based on love for one's partner.

Kind of like how some guys are just genuinely nice, and some need to announce to everyone that they are nice and that they should get something in reward for that.

That's what I mean, I guess, when I talk about "what do you want?" when it comes to Zen--the reassurances that he loves me and is happy with me, and the patience, THAT I would ask for myself. Little validations that help me break away from the scripts that life has handed me.

Promises not to "cheat" or whatever? Any sorts of commitments or declarations on his part, now or ever? I would only ask that they be from a place of genuine feeling. If you feel it say it. If you don't...don't. Just be real with me. I'll try to do the same.

And in fact, sharing even this stupid negative stuff, these bits of insecurity I sometimes wrestle with...this is me trying to be genuine. I often worry that letting him (let alone others) see how I feel all this stuff, I am being "that girl" who always presents with drama, problems, makes problems where there aren't any, that "who would put up with all of this?" feeling. And I sometimes feel like demonstrating how intensely in love I feel is just going to come off as clingy and needy. That I should be playing it cooler, in order to be more likable, and easier to have around. But I have no idea if this is something I should really be worried about, or it's just me being hard on myself. And all I'm left with, is that I've got to trust Zen to tell me if there are any problems. If he does not like me sharing this stuff, I can find other ways to process. If I'm being very intense and it's hard to take, he could say so. He has words. He can use them. I have to trust him to tell me what he feels. And to be genuine with me.

 

[Spork]

GODEFFINGDAMMIT

I should have realized this was a problem. You ever have a sudden "Oh shit" where you realize you had a blind spot in your plans that is pretty glaringly obvious but you didn't even look at that...ARGH!

I feel so STUPID right now.

My bankruptcy won't be discharged until like 3-6 months after I file (assuming none of my creditors "challenge" it)...and I am now seeing that ALL of the property management companies in town that rent houses, require that any bankruptcies be discharged, and disqualify any applicant with an un-discharged bankruptcy going on. Some few of them even require the bankruptcy to be a year old, with good credit being reestablished in the interim. But most, just need it to be discharged. Well, SHIT. I mean, I was hoping and planning to move in with Zen over the summer.

I should have known this would be a problem. How on earth have I not looked into this until now. Dammit!

Some might say, "Well couldn't you just rent a house directly from an owner?" and I would love to do that, but the market is already very slim pickings on available homes, and in this area, almost no one rents that way. They don't want to deal with it. And most owners of rental properties are military people who have relocated, and they always get a management outfit to handle their houses. It makes sense.

But this means that I should very probably renew my lease for another 3 months, taking it from late June, to late September, and if need be I can go month-to-month for a short time after that if I'm not quite clear yet. I hope to get my filing in order within the next week or so, which means the soonest I could be discharged would be early August...

Bad news. I was looking forward to moving in with Zen, I wanted to do it when my younger son was in school, and I wanted my older son to come live with me so that I could oversee him doing any classes he's got to make up online. Though at this rate, he might fail 2 or 3 and have to make them up by simply going back to school in the fall as what they call a "super senior" (lol wtf?) and knocking it out. I told him if he fails more than one, that's what will have to happen.

And the family he is living with says that they are happy to have him stay a while longer, he's no trouble to have around.

But on the other hand, waiting until the fall...if previous years' trends in rental availability hold true, there are still an increased number of rental homes on the market through about October. After that, pickings slim down for the winter again. And it WOULD give me time to save up and make the move less stressful, between now and then.

I just hate that I need to go to Zen, and my kids, and even Old Wolf (he was expecting our older son to move in with me) and give them this news. And I was so full of happy dreams about how wonderful it's gonna be to live with Zen...this is very frustrating.

God I wish I had just left Old Wolf back in 2014. Life would be so much better now if only I had.

 

[Spork]

Well, in the light of a new day...

I still feel awful that I make these tentative plans with Zen, give him a date, and then as that date draws nearer, something happens and I have to push it out. I want to get him out of the place where he lives, and into somewhere better, and I feel a restless and frustrated impatience with not only wanting to just DO IT, but also with "Spork being a flake" which I have lived most of my life working so hard NOT to be.

I feel like I've got too many problems. I'm upset that for so many years when I was married, life was pretty much boring but everything felt so under control. I would say from like 2002 to 2014...things were just the way they were. They felt stable. I mean, stuff happened sometimes, but I felt like I was really strong and had things in hand. Like I was making really smart and responsible choices for the most part, I could count on my own judgment to be good and lead to good places. I was "doing the right thing" and going in the direction I was meant to go. Was I "happy?" No. But I was good for my word, I could be counted on.

I feel like there are cosmic forces of order that allowed me to neatly stack the game pieces of my life during that time...and then chaos started to take over, and I keep expecting that I'll be able to seize control of my destiny again but it has yet to happen for me. It has not been bad, but it has not been as I had expected either. And I sometimes feel as though putting up with my relationship to Old Wolf was the price I paid for all of that control and order. Like it was somehow...my duty...to suffer that relationship. I often used to feel that way when I was in it, though, too. When I used to contemplate that I had to get through until the kids were grown, my marriage to him felt like a prison sentence and I was just doing my time. I used to wonder what crime I'd been sentenced with, what karmic debt I was paying. And being out of it still feels a bit unreal. It's why, when I saw this youtube video of this 13 year old theoretical quantum physicist kid talking about how he thinks that they changed an electron in the collider or something, and they destroyed our universe and shifted us sideways into a parallel one, and he feels that the Mandela effect is proof of that... Well, ok, a lot of his supposed evidence is pretty questionable, and physicists come up with some bizarre theories that are just...rather imaginative, shall we say. But I sometimes feel like my life took a sharp turn in 2014. Like it was a point where things happened that should not have happened, and led to this strange place where trump is the president somehow, and where the lives of me, my family, and a number of people we know have been thrown into chaos.

I just feel like since then, a lot of things I've tried to plan and execute have required more last minute footwork and adjustments, have taken longer than expected to come to fruition, have been costly...there has just been a little more chaos than I like, in my life salad...but it has not always worked out BADLY. So I do remain optimistic that the things I want to have happen will eventually happen. Just not as I might hope or expect.

Like I didn't move out of Old Wolf's house as soon as I should have, but then I did, and I do like the apartment complex we ended up in for now...

Like I thought I had some idea how my poly lifestyle would end up looking, and that didn't really work as I'd hoped, but I ended up getting pretty serious about Zen, and that has brought me a lot of happiness (and personal growth, too.)

Like I did not sell my art at the convention, but I had been wishing I'd had the chance to show it off to more of my friends, and now I get to take it to Voodoo and a lot of my friends whose opinions I value, are going to get to see it. And maybe it will sell there. Which would be better than selling it at the convention anyways, especially since the club would get the commission of 10%, and I love to help support Voodoo.

Like I'm not getting to move when and as I had hoped and planned...but maybe it will work out better. Maybe the market will be better when we go to move, since this feels a lot like a housing bubble with artificially inflated home pricing going on. Maybe when we're ready for it to happen, I'll FEEL more ready in terms of how much money I have on hand...and I am not packed and of greater concern, Zen isn't packed, and he's lived in that place so long he's got more stuff than he realizes. You never realize how much stuff you really have, until you move it. I moved just about a year ago. And I've downsized at least as much as I've accumulated since then, I think. Zen has, I think, accumulated quite a lot since the last time he had to move. Getting him all packed up and ready to roll is going to be an undertaking, I think.

I want to live with him so bad. But that is my heart talking. My brain thinks it's perfectly logical to wait and save up more money.

(What were we arguing about logic versus emotion? I think that they all make up the greater picture of how I see this...)

As for my kids, I'm prepared to say that Q can just shut up and deal with things. That kid is spoiled. Frankly. He's had a life of privilege and he is used to getting what he wants. He really is like the poster child for first world problems. What bugs me with him, is he sweats the small stuff. He gets all neurotic and worked up over the smallest of stupid, petty things, and he is very demanding and takes a lot for granted. He lacks wisdom and perspective. In too many ways, he's a lot like his father, but at least he is capable of empathy, which his Dad just isn't. Yet at the same time, I mean, I really love that kid. He's so smart, and he has really fascinating interests and capabilities, and he's very funny sometimes. I'm not saying he's an irredeemable arsehole by any stretch of the imagination. But I am saying that I've reached a point where I want to look him right in the eye and say, "From here on out, your NEEDS will be met, but do not expect me to convolute my life to accommodate your WANTS." A little disappointment won't kill the lad.

My older son...well, maybe this is for the best where he is concerned. I get upset because he is staying with family friends, and I feel like he should be living with, and being raised by, the people who are really responsible for him. His parents. But Wolf is living in the basement of his female friend, that he has obsessively mooned over for the last two years and who simply is not a viable partner for him as he'd hoped she might be once he actually got there. He is in no position to take in his kid, though he's at least going to a therapist now. I don't have the room for Ninja, until I move, unless I put him up on my couch again. I suppose I could do that...but I'm not really around much to keep an eye on him, and that was another thing I'd hoped would improve by living with Zen. If we can get the time we need together in the same house we share then I'll still be around with my boys and more aware of them. Better able to balance my energies among my loved ones.

But Ninja...well, the family he lives with, they love having him around. They said he could stay longer if necessary. So at least that isn't a problem. And maybe depending on his school situation, it might be better for him, in juggling the things he needs to accomplish to get ready to be on his own. I really don't know. It might work out. Things do seem to have a way of working out, just...not as I expect, it seems.

The astrologer I like to read has said several times to me lately, that I need to stop trying to have a plan quite so much. What a silly thing to say to a Capricorn. But I do feel like things will be ok even when my plans don't seem to be working...

 

[Spork]

So I have been putting effort into knocking stuff off my "to do" list. I made the tag with the name and price of my art piece and took it to Voodoo last night instead of waiting until tomorrow (Saturday) because it is supposed to snow, and I'm not even 100% sure we will want to go to the party tomorrow. I mean, yeah, I'd kinda like to go, but not if the roads are sketchy.

I am knocking out errands and stuff left and right. And I had a win, just a little while ago on my lunch. My son said he wanted new shoes. I can't afford to buy him new shoes right now and I told him so. But then I remembered I'd bought a Groupon a while back, where for $20 I got $40 store credit at this consignment shop, and sure enough they had men's shoes. So I was able to find him a pretty good pair of Vans for about $14, and some nice clothes for myself, too. Hopefully he won't be bent out of shape that they are used, not new, but if he is...tough. (In the same spirit as what I said before, I'm realizing how spoiled he got all the years we were better off financially...)

Have to run down and visit Ninja, and the delightful menagerie that inhabits Old Wolf's house...she is about to have the twins, on like Monday I think, and I need to drop off the cloth diapers gift I'd bought her.

I'm gonna be dashing as quick as I can though, since we are expecting a snowstorm tonight.

And then there are the threads with the fussing...three of them here so far, which frankly have me kind of thinking I need to try harder and like put my hands behind my back and just NOT post in especially the threads I have strong opinions about... Maybe. My issue is that I was part of another forum a while back, I was there, a very regular poster, for years. And eventually, it got to the point where I had to leave.

OK I'll give you that during those times especially, my life was a story almost too bizarre to be believed. My ex had started losing it, some days I was posting while shaking in fear of my life. I was desperate for help, but did not know where to turn. I know it's frustrating when you try to offer solutions and someone explains why each one simply won't work...but I had really thought this through. If any of the regular channels for solving my problems had been viable, I'd have already pursued it.

I got a lot of "You need to grab your kids and RUN before he kills you. Hide out somewhere and get court orders against him. Call the police and have them take him away." Which to me is so shortsighted. Sure, I could step under the umbrella of the state for like a minute. But not the police, nor the mental health system, would have held him for very long. And if I'd had my ex taken away forcibly, he would have fought, possibly killed people in the process, he was damn dangerous at that time, and as soon as he got free, he'd be out to get revenge on me. He wasn't the kind of person to respect a restraining order...and he was the kind of person who would have murder-suicided me and possibly his whole family, in my opinion. He was volatile. And I was the ONLY ONE (and possibly a few of his friends actually) who could manage him. It felt, every day, like a hostage situation and I was the negotiator. You don't just send in the regular beat cops to deal with some shit like that.

And as for running and taking the kids and hiding... I'd have needed to be careful not to face charges of kidnapping, which can happen even if you're one of the parents, and I would have been nuking my kids' school, my work, our lives, for what ultimately would have been a temporary respite that left me in worse straits than before.

I had to look at the bigger picture.

So I stuck around a while as he tried to figure out how to exist without me as his wife. And in the meantime, he tried to date and I tried to date, and he did not succeed, but I did. I ended up with my quad, and my Zen, and I had support to help me stay sane and get through it. And at the forums where I was, I was getting "You should not be dating, you're being disgustingly selfish and don't deserve to have your kids. You should focus on what's important. Like getting out of there." (As though I wasn't trying)...and even that I deserved what I "had coming" for having relations with others "right under his nose." (Even though I only ever went out, I never had any of my partners anywhere near him, he never met or saw any of them.)

So... When we reached the point where I was told that I "deserved" abuse, I was done. I was already at my wits end almost, even having called a domestic violence center trying to get some help, when it went to voicemail, I gave up. I was too fragile to fight very hard for it.

But that forum was full of contentious conversation. Lots of trolls, lots of flame wars. It probably still is. Hell, people got into knock down, drag out fights over cat food. I came here wanting to NOT deal with that kind of insanity.

The basic position that "critical conversation" and debate of one side versus the other, with no room to live and let live, or agree to disagree, is somehow the way it should be... I don't buy that. But then I am just plain not a fan of conflict. Especially as some kind of a sport. Conflict is not enjoyable in any way for me ever. Some people love it, I had a friend as a kid who was Italian, her family I think loved a good screaming and throwing things sort of a blowup and had them often. I know people who cannot imagine having a relationship with no fights. But I just...don't like to fight.

Yet sometimes I do have some pretty strong feelings, and (perhaps ironically?) my conviction that none of us is so absolutely superior and right and correct about most things, to have the right to dictate to others, something like "the way you live or think or some thing that you are, which does not affect me or my life, isn't the thing that I would choose, so it's wrong and you shouldn't do it. Because for me to be right in my life, anyone different must be wrong in theirs." Fuck that. Especially coming from marginalized groups (such as the polyamorous!) who should damn well know better.

I am a bit passionate sometimes about certain things. But I still don't really enjoy fighting. So it can be hard to know if I want to post, or just keep my mouth shut and let it go...

I guess I think, maybe I've done enough of the former for now and should try harder to do more of the latter.

 

[Tinwen]

And then there are the threads with the fussing...three of them here so far, which frankly have me kind of thinking I need to try harder and like put my hands behind my back and just NOT post in especially the threads I have strong opinions about... Maybe.

Spork, I think I can tell you, in the polyfi thread ... have you been feeling a little white-knighty? Maybe? Solving problems in a discussion instead of letting the people having the discussion solve it for themselves?

 

[Spork]

Spork, I think I can tell you, in the polyfi thread ... have you been feeling a little white-knighty? Maybe? Solving problems in a discussion instead of letting the people having the discussion solve it for themselves?

That is part of it, and my attention wasn't even on that thread until it was drawn in that direction...but more it's been a thing that comes up again and again in my life, when I feel like people are putting others down just for being different.

But more than that is just my own principles. I might have privately spoken in support of the person who felt put down, if it were just a desire to take a side, but the "you're wrong because I'm right" judgmental tone of the whole thing bothered me. Especially from polyamorists, I felt they should know better than to judge a relationship style that was making someone else happy, just because it's not the same as what they would choose.