Balancing poly and parenthood/quality time in a primary relationship

V

VictoriaVH

New member
Hi- I'd love some thoughts on how others balance parenthood and regular home life with poly.

My husband and I have been together for five years- the first three years of our relationship were poly. He was dating someone when we got together (they only got together a little bit before we did). I have been poly myself before, it's just not something I personally had a desire to pursue at that time. Due to logistics, we each had regular nights we saw him. (Generally 2 or 3 nights a week, alternating who spent more weekend time.) To complicate matters, my husband has custody of his son every weekend, so weekends have ALWAYS been kid focused.

Eventually their relationship ended and he and I moved in together, and down the road got married. With all the changes for both of us and his son, neither of us pursued any other relationships because there were already enough balls in the air.

A few months ago, we decided to try dating again...only to realize that I was pregnant. (Which was a very happy surprise and very much wanted!) Meanwhile, my husband had just started connecting with a woman he was pretty interested in. He immediately thought he should just end it because we would be having a baby and he wanted to be as supportive to me as possible, but I felt it would be much easier on everyone to start something new now (pregnancy hormones that make me cry in the middle of Target be damned!), then it would be to try to start something new with an infant at home, little sleep, and post partum hormones. Is it easy on me? No. But I didn't expect it to always be easy when I said go for it, so it is what it is. My husband is of course always trying to do his best to help me be comfortable with things, and his ladyfriend is very sweet and respectful towards the situation as well.

So- here's my issues: how to best make this play out in the future? Husband is not particularly inclined to have poly partners around the children- son was close with his previous partner and the end of their relationship hurt him. Neither of us want to put him in that position again, particularly as he's now old enough to be more aware of the situation. Weekends are still also primarily focused on his son- dates just don't happen then. Currently, husband and his ladyfriend both often have late afternoons free, so that is when they typically meet for dates with the ocassional evening date. However, once the baby comes, it will often be home with him during the day (husband works from home 3/4 of the time), which impedes this. Meanwhile, I work 60+ hours a week M-F. Once the baby comes, it will be about 50 hours a week. Shockingly enough, our quality time together is minimal and with the baby coming, it will be even more rare. We typically get one real date night a month. It's already starting to bother me that they are able to have dates each week (which typically last 3-8 hours) for uninterrupted quality time. It makes me upset that there's just no room in our schedule (particularly mine) where that can be achieved. Obviously not looking to take away their date time, but it hurts to have it highlighting our lack of time together.

So- any ideas on a)balancing polyamory and parenting and b)finding quality time in a primary relationship?
 
VictoriaVH said:
I work 60+ hours a week M-F. Once the baby comes, it will be about 50 hours a week.
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Wha, wha, what?????

Is this your first baby? This doesn't sound realistic at all, a new mother having anywhere near the stamina, the desire or even the thought energy for this level of professional exertion. Perhaps your situation is highly unusual that you'd want or even be able to work this much while a new mother and if so, please let us know because it's pertinent information. This jumps out at me because with all of your current spinning plates, you're adding on a baby, planning to work full time plus and are asking us about how to get alone time with your husband. Your work load seems unusually high for anyone, let alone someone who is going to be giving birth soon. 60 hours/50 hours, same thing (in my perception.) That's a lot of hours spent at work for someone who highly values their family life. I can't even begin to imagine a new mother working this much. Even stay at home mothers have little time or energy for their partners when the babies arrive. It's a common challenge.
 
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Yes, this is my first baby.

My work schedule is what it is. I will have maternity leave for about a month and a half. One plus is that I am able to bring the baby to work with me, and there is generally a decent amount of down time during the day. I currently work 7 AM to what is supposed to be 7 PM, but is usually more like 7:30-7:45. Once I go back to work post baby, I will be working 7 AM-5 PM, which is much more manageable with an infant. I'm used to this schedule- I've been managing with it for a long time. Where I am, this is not an uncommon type of schedule for a working mom, even with a new baby. The plan is in about two years things on my end career wise will lighten up, and we will be able to move someplace with a slightly lower cost of living (we are in an extremely expensive area), and I will be able to work part time at that point. It's not the most ideal situation right now, but it's the situation we have so we just have to follow the wisdom of Tim Gunn and make it work!
 
Hi VictoriaVH,

I think the main challenge here will be trying to figure out when you and your husband both have free time at the same time ... with a newborn in the mix. While having a can-do attitude can help, the logistics here are, it seems, overwhelming. Right now my advice is to spend as much time with your husband as possible -- before the baby is born. After the baby is born I don't think you'll have spare time for anything ... I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but. Many people put poly on hold when they've got an infant/toddler on their hands. You have to do what works for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, we are trying to figure out ways to create more quality time out of the time we do have together. We can't actually add more time in anywhere, so it's a lot of creative thinking!

Post baby, I have no intentions of dating for awhile because obviously my priorities will be elsewhere. My husband and his partner have already spoken quite a bit about what scheduling will look like once the baby is here, as obviously he is also prioritizing the baby and my transition to motherhood. They are both comfortable that once that happens, their dates may only occur once or twice a month, and probably not at all for the first month. On the plus side for them, the 1/4 of the time that my husband is not working from home, he is put up in hotel rooms and mostly has his time free, so it's kind of like built in date time for them which don't really take anything from us/the baby because he would be gone regardless. (On those evenings I will often have reinforcements to help with the baby!) I would hope that their relationship would be able to be sustained, as they are both really enjoying their time together. I was already pregnant when they got together (he was going on to deactivate his okc account when she messaged him) so it's been a reality they've discussed from their earliest conversations and they put a lot of thought in to even going on a date because of it. She also has a husband and a boyfriend besides my husband, so she hopefully won't be pining away for him too much with more time for her other partners.
 
Do you have any close, reliable friends or family who can take care of baby or baby and stepson for a few hours each week/weekend (or every other week?) If so, I'd take advantage of that. If you usually have stepson all weekend, there's no reason that you can't leave him with someone for 2 hours while you have a date with your husband. Honestly, I think it helps the child learn good relationship skills to see the parents set aside time for one another. If you start now, while you're still pregnant, then your stepson won't associate that change with the baby. If you don't have friend/family who could do that, what about a paid sitter? Again, if you start now with stepson, it will give you time to build up trust in the sitter, making it easier to leave baby once he's old enough.

If that's not workable, another solution is to pay someone to take care of housework (if you don't already), so that your free time can be focused on family. Then, when baby starts sleeping more reliably, you can have some connection time at home, while baby is sleeping. Anything to make your time at home easier is worthwhile. If people you trust offer meals, cleaning, child tending, etc, after baby is born take them up on it!

I worked a similar schedule after the births of Emerald and Jade. It was difficult, but workable. Ex-h and I tended to do a lot of date nights in the evening either at home, or out somewhere, once the kids were in bed....of course it took a few months post baby to get to the point that was possible, but it did happen. You just may need to be creative about how you get your time in together. Could be as simple as taking a bubble bath together in the evenings or while baby is napping, etc.

I'd also suggest not comparing the type of date that you have with DH with the type he has with his gf. (Provided he's not always leaving you at home alone with baby to see gf...instead doing dates while you're at work, etc.)
 
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VictoriaVH said:
Where I am, this is not an uncommon type of schedule for a working mom, even with a new baby....... we are in an extremely expensive area
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If your area is similar to mine (New York City) then most couples who can swing double full time and overtime work schedules have full time nannies or a tremendous amount of help from relatives. You have just your husband and yourself, plus poly. That's a lot of unusual expectation to place on Tim Gunn.
 
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