My poly boyfriends's attachment to his ex

[worldexploded]

We've been dating for two months now. I'm 25 he's 24

We started dating when he became familiar with his poly identity which had a rocky start. Although they've officially been broken up for over a year now they would see each other on and off. They were together for 5 years. When he started dating me he wanted to have a V with the three of us.

When she expressed she was expecting special treatment because of their history they stopped having sex so officially it's just me and him now.

He still sends her puppy vids every now and then but he texted her something that had me fuming.

After sending her a vid she mentioned she was out of town on business in the middle of nowhere. He said he was still jealous because she was there. He told me he was joking.

What else would a text like that mean?

I understand after knowing for someone for so long it's hard to let them go but from what he's told me about her and how she reacted to us being together, I have no interest in her being involved with us.

It has nothing to do with her being his ex, she's disrespected him so many times and he always came back to her.

I feel disrespected because I know I treat him so much better than she has but I feel like it means nothing because he continues to acknowledge someone who I think in the end was just using him and obviously doesn't give a shit about how I feel.

He is remorseful and I know he cares about me but I asked if she hadn't been so demanding about expectations would he still be having sex with her. He said yes but they would never get back together.

I was infuriated because I don't get why he would continue to entertain someone who's proven they don't have his best interest at heart

Advice?

 

[Emm]

The text sounds like some kind of in-joke between the two of them, probably based on some previously shared experience, like a movie quote or something. As presented it doesn't make a lot of sense with no context. I'm unsure what you find upsetting about it.

As for the rest of it, stay out of it. You're not required to like or approve of his friends or how they treat each other. If his friendship with someone is having a direct affect on your relationship with him then sure, bring it up, but don't try to control interactions that have nothing to do with you.

 

[worldexploded]

As for the rest of it, stay out of it. You're not required to like or approve of his friends or how they treat each other. If his friendship with someone is having a direct affect on your relationship with him then sure, bring it up, but don't try to control interactions that have nothing to do with you.

I feel it does affect me because I know she doesn't respect what we have. If they had broken up on good terms, maybe they wanted different things it wouldn't bother me as much but if she got involved with us again I just see a bunch of drama. She's immature and I can't deal with a brat who dated someone behind his back.

Before I came in to the picture, they were still having sex, that doesn't sound like friends to me. It sounds complicated and messy.

 

[Emm]

Assuming for the sake of the discussion that your perception is correct, what direct impact on your relationship does her lack of respect have?

 

[worldexploded]

Well, I guess none at the moment.

I'll admit maybe it is a personal issue I have.

If he were to start having sex with her again, someone he couldn't see for two days without arguing with, it makes me feel like my love and effort means nothing if he's willing to give time to someone who cheated on him and just used him.

I feel if he really appreciated what we have he would recognize that and find someone else who would offer something similar and didn't treat him like his ex.

When I saw that text. In my mind it meant he missed her. Maybe I'm over reacting but if he were to mention to me she wanted to start having sex again I know she will see herself as more important.

Before they stopped having sex she didn't like that although I had gotten tested my boyfriend called to tell her we started having unprotected sex. She expected him to have a condom on with every other girl but her.

I'm afraid he would allow that attitude and let that interfere with our relationship.

As I'm typing I see maybe it's just my fears getting the best of me but if he had no problem waiting on her hand foot after they broke up what's stopping him from becoming blind to her behavior again and letting it get between us?

 

[Emm]

If he were to start having sex with her again, someone he couldn't see for two days without arguing with, it makes me feel like my love and effort means nothing if he's willing to give time to someone who cheated on him and just used him.

I feel if he really appreciated what we have he would recognize that and find someone else who would offer something similar and didn't treat him like his ex.

Back in your original post you said your BF has said the two of them will never get back together. Do you think he's lying either to himself or to you? If not, why are you concerned about "what if" situations that revolve around just that happening?

Edit: You mention him waiting on her hand and foot. What do you mean by that?

 

[worldexploded]

I do think he is in denial.

I don't think they would get back together but I don't think he is being honest about his feelings for her.

He would be always be around for her to fool around with even though she had a fiance and boyfriend without his knowledge.

She also cheated on him while they were still together.

This was before he identified as poly.

Whenever she needs a favor he's there to help.

Maybe I'm being harsh but to me, it's as if he was at her beck and call.

 

[worldexploded]

Back in your original post you said your BF has said the two of them will never get back together. Do you think he's lying either to himself or to you? If not, why are you concerned about "what if" situations that revolve around just that happening?

Even though they obviously aren't compatible he's admitted it's hard to say no to her so it makes me anxious of how it could affect us.

I want to be sure I'm with someone who values me for me and for whatever reason him having sex with this person again translates as him not valuing me.

 

[Emm]

I do think he is in denial.

I don't think they would get back together but I don't think he is being honest about his feelings for her.

Do you trust him? If yes, then let him manage his own feelings for others (he's poly, so he's going to have feelings for others). If no, then why are you involved with someone you don't trust?

He would be always be around for her to fool around with...

He is an adult, presumably capable of independent thought and movement. Assuming she's not into coercing unwilling partners she can't fool around with him without his active participation. This brings us back to the "do you trust him" question.

... even though she had a fiance and boyfriend without his knowledge.

Not your problem. If he's willing to forgive that's up to him.

She also cheated on him while they were still together.

Also not your problem.

Whenever she needs a favor he's there to help.

Maybe I'm being harsh but to me, it's as if he was at her beck and call.

Sounds like he's being a good friend to her. Again, how does that affect your relationship with him?

 

[Emm]

... for whatever reason him having sex with this person again translates as him not valuing me.

In what way? Break it down so that you understand the root cause.

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

I hear that you are feeling hurt because your boyfriend is keeping contact with and sending messages to an ex who used to treat him badly and that these messages can be interpreted as romantic. I hear that you fear she may persuade your boyfriend into restarting a relationship with her and that this makes you fear she will put rules on your relationship with your boyfriend.

I can see how this can be painful. I can see two things that may stop this scenario from hurting you.

1. Your boyfriend's commitment to you. It sounds like he genuinely cares about you and has placed you first and foremost. It sounds like he understands her destructive nature and is gradually distancing himself from her. From reading your story, it seems he is aware that the demands his exgirlfriend insists on placing on your relationship are unreasonable given the circumstances and he has chosen to forego sex with her in order to protect what he has with you. Under these assumptions that I have interpreted from reading what you have written (and I may have interpreted what you have written wrongly, so please forgive any poor advice on my part), my advice would be to give him your confidence and trust that he won't allow other people to dictate rules for you or rules for him that are unhealthy for your relationship. He's successfully done this once. He may need you to trust him again on this. Practicing polyamory healthily seems to come implicitly with not allowing others to make unhealthy rules for you and if you feel the two of you could do with more reading that would help transition from a monogamous mindset to creating a healthy polyamorous dynamic, some of the links here may help, though most were targetted at a different couple's situation. In addition, I would ask if you believe you could identify or practice polyamory either now or in the future.
2. The second would be a subtle change in self-awareness I wish I learnt when I was younger. This second point is more complex and I'll start with a quote below where you seem to feel that his need for other lovers is a reflection of inadequacy on your part.

If he were to start having sex with her again...it makes me feel like my love and effort means nothing if he's willing to give time to someone who cheated on him and just used him.

Being monogamous myself, I can totally see what you're saying. Monogamy is built on the rules of one partner for life. That one partner has to be your everything. Your one partner has to be your emotional confidante, satisfy all your sexual needs and kinks, be interested in a reasonable percentage of your hobbies and interests, be able to discuss intellectually stimulating topics with you, perhaps even share similar political and religious outlooks on life. More than that, you then have to satisfy all the above for him. One of you may also have to be financially dependent on the other, have to want to live in the same city, have to want to have the same number of children, along with a whole host of other criteria. My point is that monogamy has an expectation that our one partner for life has to give us our everything for life.

Polyamory has taught me that my partner's needs in life are less about me and more about my partner. If my partner chooses to have an affair instead of working things out with me, then that has more to do with my partner and little to do with my deficiencies. If my partner wants to keep in contact with someone I don't like, that has more to do with my partner than it has to do with me. If my partner likes someone else's cooking, that someone else just has better cooking than me (and probably better than lots of others) and is not a reflection of my partner's love for me, but rather is a fact that speaks more about my partner than it does about my cooking. If cooking means so much to my partner that they want to leave me for someone else, then that says more about my partner than it does about me.

So in summary, the second dot point above is trying to say that you are not responsible for your partner's happiness, but you can certainly try to add to it. If he remains unhappy or unsatisfied, this says more about him and is not a reflection of your inadequacy. If you can come to terms with this change in philosophy, then seeing him spend time on texting his ex can be interpretted as an issue for him rather than an inadequacy of yours.

I hope this helps, and I suspect the link above that leads to the different forms of non monogamy, and the links to jealousy may help. I feel it may also be helpful if you can ask yourself if you forsee polyamory as something you would be comfortable with in the long run.

Good luck!
-Shaya.

 

[worldexploded]

In what way? Break it down so that you understand the root cause.

Because I don't understand this person's purpose for him to keep coming back to her, especially if she intentionally tried to tell him what to do in his sex life with me. She wasn't even his girlfriend at this point.

I feel like if he's able to keep forgiving this person, it's as if he doesn't have any standards so does he really love me for me or am I just there?

All the affection I give him does it really mean anything?

He is also the first functional relationship I've had and I don't want to want to end up being with another guy who doesn't value me, specifically.

 

[worldexploded]

I hope this helps, and I suspect the link above that leads to the different forms of non monogamy, and the links to jealousy may help. It would also help if you could identify if you can forsee yourself practising polyamory in the future.

Good luck!
-Shaya.

This was really helpful, thank you! If my boyfriend and I break up I don't think I would be eager to give polyamory a try but who knows maybe I'll learn more about myself by then. I'll totally read the links, thanks.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I mean this all kindly, ok? Might not be what you want to hear.

she's disrespected him so many times and he always came back to her.

Well, if she's disrespected him, lied, cheated or whatever... those are not you problems. Those are his problems with her.

I feel disrespected because I know I treat him so much better than she has but I feel like it means nothing because he continues to acknowledge someone who I think in the end was just using him and obviously doesn't give a shit about how I feel.

I wonder if it is hard for you to maintain respect for him if he keeps on interacting with her?

I don't understand this person's purpose for him to keep coming back to her...

If she is a user? I don't think there's any mystery to it. She keeps on with him because she CAN use him. What other purpose is there? Why ditch him when he is still usable and she can get stuff from him?

I feel like if he's able to keep forgiving this person, it's as if he doesn't have any standards so does he really love me for me or am I just there?

If he keeps forgiving this user-y sounding person and keeps hanging around with her? Rather than forgive and then walking away? Maybe he's picking out an unhealthy person to associate with. That's not your problem. Him picking out his associates is his deal.

But who is picking him out? You are. So... You can keep picking him out, or not. The question is not whether or not he has standards. Perhaps his are really low. Who knows but him? The questions is... does he meet YOUR personal standards for what you want in a dating partner?

If not? Cut him loose.

I was infuriated because I don't get why he would continue to entertain someone who's proven they don't have his best interest at heart.

He just does. You don't have to know WHY in order to make a decision.

If he picks out wonky people to hang around with? And that's not your cup of tea? You don't have to know why he picks them.

You could decided if you want to keep picking him out to hang around with yourself or not. He comes with X baggage -- you can choose to live with that or not.

He is also the first functional relationship I've had and I don't want to want to end up being with another guy who doesn't value me, specifically.

I guess I don't understand this part. The relationship does not sound “functional” in the sense that there's already so much drama only 2 months in.

If you don't feel valued in this relationship... why keep going with it?

Galagirl

 

[worldexploded]

I am sorry you struggle.

I guess I don't understand this part. The relationship does not sound “functional” in the sense that there's already so much drama only 2 months in.

If you don't feel valued in this relationship... why keep going with it?

Galagirl

Lol, sorry by that I mean he is the first guy I've dated who seems to genuinely care about how I feel. We do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff like go to the flea market and cook together.

I could just leave him but I hate dating. Also I really do like him. He's a good person and he would never do anything to hurt me I just feel he would become weak willed if the opportunity came.

It has only been two months, I think I've been worried about the future because I'm still getting to what it's like with him in my life.

So far he's been mature about the whole thing since we've been dating. He hasn't done anything behind my back. He reassures me nothing is going on.

It's just hard to get rid of the "What if's?"

 

[GalaGirl]

It's just hard to get rid of the "What if's?"

What "what ifs" are you thinking?

I could just leave him but I hate dating. Also I really do like him. He's a good person and he would never do anything to hurt me I just feel he would become weak willed if the opportunity came.

What behaviors has he done that you observe that tell you he is a weak willed person? Or make you doubt his ability to keep his agreements with you?

Sounds like you are worried he'd sleep with her if the chance came up without renegotiating agreements with you first. If it is just you and him now, it would be breaking agreements. Which would hurt you.

If you cannot trust him to maintain his agreements with you, why bother dating him?

I wonder if him choosing to hang around her makes it harder for you to respect him?

I value being as drama free as possible. Things happen in life that are stressful that cannot be helped. But I can help who I pick out to date. I'd have a hard time dating someone I cannot respect or cannot trust.

Is that what the main problems are here? Not feeling valued/appreciated by him, not trusting him to be strong willed and keep agreements with you, and not respecting him a whole lot because he chooses to hang out with his user sounding ex?

Have you asked him to dial it down with his ex and stop the puppy videos? Just do a bday card and xmas card and call it good enough for an ex?

Galagirl

 

[worldexploded]

I agree with everything you're saying!

My first love was like that, it was a warning sign for sure.

but here I am. : (

Thank you for leveling with me. I do value my time and I'm worth more than that.

At this point he's with me not her so I believe he's doing his best.

He hasn't been around her after she tried to put rules on us in the beginning of our relationship.

I respect myself enough to know when to leave.

For now we're good but if something were to happen that'll be it for sure.

Thanks.

 

[GalaGirl]

For now we're good but if something were to happen that'll be it for sure.

You might want to articulate what "something happening" is to yourself and to him so you are both clear on your deal breakers are. He could also articulate his so you are aware of his.

Hopefully that will help you both get on more solid footing as your relationship continues to unfold and he will demonstrate he CAN keep agreements and he isn't weak willed after all.

Galagirl

 

[worldexploded]

I wonder if him choosing to hang around her makes it harder for you to respect him?

Is that what the main problems are here? Not feeling valued/appreciated by him, not trusting him to be strong willed and keep agreements with you, and not respecting him a whole lot because he chooses to hang out with his user sounding ex?

Have you asked him to dial it down with his ex and stop the puppy videos? Just do a bday card and xmas card and call it good enough for an ex?

Galagirl

YO! That sums it up perfectly. Yeah, I guess that's it.

Off topic I consider myself a submissive so yeah I guess it would be hard to respect him if he truly is this way.

I guess I'm waiting it out because I want him to prove it isn't true.

I will say that when I've brought up the texting he said he would stop if it bothered me that much but I didn't want to seem controlling.

There hasn't been anything insinuating something weird except that one "because you're there" text.

We haven't actually talked about agreements on this. My bad I guess

He definitely knows I don't like her and how I'd feel if he were to see her again.

Nothing specific of what would happen if these things were to happen.

I have a lot to think about.

I think the "what ifs" bothering me would be them having sex again or him showing me that he doesn't respect my feelings or himself by expecting me to deal with it.

So, if we had talked about those specific things it would make sense to exit if either of those happened.

Yeah, got it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I will say that when I've brought up the texting he said he would stop if it bothered me that much but I didn't want to seem controlling.

Since he offered? Could say "Yes, please stop texting."

Isn't him offering to stop behavior that bothers you him showing you respect?

What would you prefer he do instead?

Galagirl