My poly boyfriends's attachment to his ex

[worldexploded]

Since he offered? Could say "Yes, please stop texting."

Isn't him offering to stop behavior that bothers you him showing you respect?

What would you prefer he do instead?

Galagirl

Yeah, you're right. I could go back to him and tell him to just stop.

I guess there is nothing else he could do realistically.

He told me it would take sometime to get over her. I wish he would be over it a lot sooner but that doesn't make sense.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi worldexploded,

It sounds like your boyfriend's recent behavior has left you feeling frustrated. I don't blame you for that, you gave him a lot more than his ex ever gave him and you deserve some kind of recognition for that. I hope he'll step up to the plate soon, and show you that you're more important to him (than his ex).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

I will say that when I've brought up the texting he said he would stop if it bothered me that much but I didn't want to seem controlling.

That's big of him. I'd tell you to call your therapist

You might have said it already, but how is it you are aware of what texts he is or is not sending? Is this information that you guys have an agreement around as far as full disclosure?

On that trend, all of this information you have about the ins and outs of his relationship with his ex might not be helping you. There is always the option for you to have him filter information that is coming to you if it is shaping your opinion of this person in such a way, and causing you all of this distress. A simple "This type of detail about your ex is really bumming me out, for the time being will you just not tell me about this stuff?"

 

[worldexploded]

Hi worldexploded,

I hope he'll step up to the plate soon, and show you that you're more important to him (than his ex).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for the kind words. Seriously, I've been feeling a lot of anxiety over this. Went for a run today so I feel a little better.

 

[worldexploded]

There is always the option for you to have him filter information that is coming to you if it is shaping your opinion of this person in such a way, and causing you all of this distress. A simple "This type of detail about your ex is really bumming me out, for the time being will you just not tell me about this stuff?"

You're right, I intend on doing that next time he mentions her. I truly want the best for us and I don't want to be the possessive girlfriend but in the beginning of our relationship he asked me for advice about what was going on between them which in the end involved her leaving us because she expected a hierarchy with him putting her first even though they weren't even together anymore.

At this point I still feel involved because I remember her reaction to it and cant get over how immature it was. The idea of him running back to that just pisses me off.

I would be elated if he found someone else.

 

[worldexploded]

That's big of him. I'd tell you to call your therapist

You might have said it already, but how is it you are aware of what texts he is or is not sending? Is this information that you guys have an agreement around as far as full disclosure?

I haven't snooped on his phone. He would have it lying around.

I've just noticed that he'll message puppy videos to her FB messenger. That's it, no real conversation. When he said he was willing to stop the texts he made it seem like it didn't mean that much to him so that assured me and I left it alone after that.

Until I saw a text that triggered something in me. There isn't much on her end but him sending those vids feels like he's trying to coax her back into a V with us.

Maybe I sound crazy, whatever.

When I want to know his perspective on it I try my best to no sound accusatory because I genuinely want to know his true feelings about it. He is never able to give me a straight answer.

I'll tell him how I'm feeling and ask what's going on between the two of them and He'll say things like "It's going to take a while to get over" or "I don't know I just care about her" so we've never gotten to the point where I could discuss my boundaries so he'll know what to expect from me.

I respect that he was in love with her and they have history but I would expect most people to recognize and have a concrete opinion of their relationship with an ex.

I've been in love before, I had the chance to try again but I turned it down because I respected myself enough to know he did me wrong and I deserved better.

I know my boyfriend isn't me but I wish this person in my life would see it that way.