I Need To Talk With Someone Expert About Poly Life

7

777

New member
I need to talk with someone expert about poly life
All right that's my problem, im sick of leaving a life of lies, hate, rules invented from other people, it's been long time that Im thinking about changing something in my life to be more happy and free, and now I met this girl and I falled in love istantly on the first sight, I never had problems with women not at all but I doesnt fall in love so often, but she's poly so at the first time that she had the other guy I freak out a lot.. I wuold like to talk with someone to understand how to can manage the situation and to understand better how to make the translaction with less pain, thank you to everybody and ill wait for some private message, and sorry for my english I tryed my best :)
 
Hi,
well, I'm not sure anyone here will have the courage (or outright arogance) to proclaim him or herself an expert. We're all individual people with individual experiences and individual opinions. Often asking a question publicly and taking on a range of feedback (averaging over the contradictions and recognizing the commonalities) works best.
 
777 said:
im sick of leaving a life of lies, hate, rules invented from other people, it's been long time that Im thinking about changing something in my life to be more happy and free
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I understand that you have strong feelings for this girl/woman, so welcome to the forum about that. I just wanted to say that there are numerous ways to build a life that is authentic and fulfilling, free of the many judgements and diminishments that many of us see around us. You don't have to reach for something drastic in order to work toward freeing yourself of lies, hate and rules invented by other people. What you're after is an internal process first an foremost. Your outer life certainly may eventually reflect this liberation, but no outer change in "lifestyle" is going to give you the freedom that you seek. Finding durable and true freedom from the chains of societal judgement is an internal journey, first and foremost.
 
Thanks everybody, the real thing that im searching is just someone to talk with, to maybe have some advice and some tips, so if someone have time, I wuold like to have a chat with :)
 
Why not post your questions here?

You will get more diverse opinions that way. There is no one way to do polyamory. What works for me and my life doesn't work for others.

No one here is an expert.
 
I prefer it, its kind all new to me and I will like some privacy so I can talk entirely free.
But there something I wuold ask to everybody, how you handle the situation when ur partner is with someone else how you dont get mad about it, not talking about sex im talking about what is around, like love, I know that from most of you guys is a normal thing and I want to make it for me too, I really want to understand how to dont freak out and make this girl happy.
 
777 said:
I prefer it, its kind all new to me and I will like some privacy so I can talk entirely free.
But there something I wuold ask to everybody, how you handle the situation when ur partner is with someone else how you dont get mad about it, not talking about sex im talking about what is around, like love, I know that from most of you guys is a normal thing and I want to make it for me too, I really want to understand how to dont freak out and make this girl happy.
Click to expand...

You can speak freely here. You are anonymous, as are the rest of us. No one here is an expert - I certain can't claim to be - and even those people who are experienced still have things to learn. I learn by reading a lot of the threads here, and I definitely suggest that for you as well.

How do we not get mad about?

By coming to the understand that it's not about ME. There isn't something WRONG with me, it isn't some insult to me, it doesn't have anything to do with me at all if someone loves or cares for someone else. We are all individuals who feel what we feel and love who we love.

Jealousy and anger are often due to insecurities and fears. The emotion needs to be recognized and the underlying cause addressed rather than trying to curtail your partner.

Some examples: Fear the other partner is better, fear your partner likes/loves them more, fear you will be left behind, fear that the relationship might change, etc

Then think about each. Discuss them with your partner. Think about what you need to resolve those fears and no longer fear them. Think about your level of trust in your partner and her words when she says she loves you and wants to be with you. Get to know the other person - if not in person than you could ask her questions. We tend to 'fear the unknown' and create a larger than life picture in our heads, when we're all human. Understand where he's coming from as well. I think our monogamous training would make us believe that person would want to 'steal' our partner from us rather than share. I will admittedly state that's also my first assumption for most women, especially with certain behaviors, and I can completely understand that being a legitimate fear in anyone when a new partner comes along. Because you don't know what type of person they are. That being said, your own partner should be responsible for curtailing behavior that is detrimental to your relationship.

And all of these things are things that should be openly discussed between you. The more you know, the less you fear, the more comfortable you become.
 
Hi 777,

I will be glad to talk to you about poly, send me a PM if you want to talk with me in private. I just want to say that you are on the right track, you do not want to get angry and you want to make that girl happy. I recommend you try the website More than Two, you will find many resources that may help. Also there may be a local poly group in your area, google "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city if you're interested.

Good luck as you embark on your poly journey.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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