Never Imagined Myself Here...

[cmj2231]

Hi Everyone,

Another newbie here, but one that really ever imagined ever needing a forum for support about polygamy and plural marriage but yet here I am... I never envisioned plural marriage to be an option for me in the past and quite frankly all I knew about it was what I saw on "Sister Wives" or other documentaries and always thought it was great for them that they were happy but not something I could ever see myself doing but all of that changed recently...

I met a man and his wife that have been married for 20 years but are now looking for a sisterwife. The sister wife idea was actually the wife's idea even after them being married for so long because she can no longer have children and they wanted a lot of them, she wants the friendship that comes with a sister wife, and various other reasons. The more they discussed it, the more they agreed it was a lifestyle for them. Now insert me, I am a single woman who just ended a monogamous relationship a few months ago, have only a history of monogamous relationships, and thought I was only seeking monogamous relationship until I began talking to this couple. We met through an online singles website where the husband actually responded to my post with the idea of my being a potential sister wife. I'm not honestly sure why I even entertained the thought but the more I started to speak to him the more we hit it off, and as I've been speaking with her she and I have a lot in common and have been getting along quite well also.

When I think of their reasonings for a plural marriage I can understand why they would be interested and can say the more I have thought about it, the more I would consider it for the same reasons, the want of a big family, the want of the quality relationship with a man but also with the added benefit of the potential best friend that could come with the sister wife relationship, sharing all things, the extra support of the family, etc. The funny thing is the more I have thought about it in terms of what I would envision an ideal plural marriage to look like if I were to enter that realm, the more their vision is the same as mine. It is interesting that even though I am younger than them, we have such similar outlooks on life, communication, family, love, etc. It is also interesting how my interests even meld well with theirs (he and I share similar interests that she and he do not, and I share similar interests with her that he and she do not). It almost seems so far like I would be a pretty good fit to the puzzle that they are hoping to complete.

It is not what I imagined for me or my life until potentially now, and watching it on television is one thing but now potentially living it is something else. I am not taking the decision lightly at all, but have millions of questions, thoughts, and feelings to sort out about it, how it potentally might fit into my life, how to nurture these budding relationships through courtship if it is what we chose, how to build that plural marriage relationship (I would be the second and only other wife they would like) and how it fits in with my Christian faith, how to deal with issues that may arise within the relationships of husband and sister wife, and so many other questions.

The more I talk to them, honestly, the more I have come to like them and possibly the idea of becoming part of their family. They live almost three hours away from me in another state and I plan on visiting them soon to meet in person and spend time together, but it is also so new and nervously exciting to me because it would be such a major life change for me in so many ways. I guess I am here to seek greater understanding, guidance and support as I embark on potentially exploring this new journey.

 

[Emm]

It sounds like they're fairly new to the idea, so you'll need to be wary of any number of first-timer mistakes.

A big one is the unspoken assumption that your needs will automatically come second to protecting the couple. For example, a common request is that any sexual activity between you and your partner can only take place if your metamour is involved as well, but asking for the reverse, that they refrain from sex unless you're there, would be unthinkable (huge double standard). You need to work out exactly what their expectations are and see if they match yours. Talk about everything; chances are there will be things each of you is taking for granted that differs from what the others are taking for granted. If you're not happy with their answers you don't have to agree to their conditions.

Find out what their expectations for your day-to-day behaviour are. Will you live with them? If so,will you have your own space that you can decorate in your own way in order to feel at home, or will you share all your space with them? Will you be able to display affection for your partner in front of his wife? In public? If not, are you going to be comfortable living—to all appearances—as their "just a friend" or housemate? Who will have the authority and/or responsibility for disciplining your future children? Will you all share child care, or will you have to give up any work outside the home to be a full-time carer? If things go pear-shaped who will get custody? If you've been a full-time nanny up until that point, will you be able to support yourself alone?

It may sound overly negative, but society is set up to favour couples so you'll need to build in your own protections.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Unless this couple is extraordinarily secure in every way, your authentic life will be a secret. You will live as an affair partner and major aspects of who you are will never be recognized. That can be awfully wearing and disheartening as time goes on. You will be physically visible, but your love and everything about it (including any children) will have to either remain hidden or contain lies. Your children will learn how to hide and bend the truth about their family and who they are. That is not a judgement (many families teach these things in various ways) but it's a particular reality for children of plural marriage. Who they really are is a big secret - and speaking as an adult of closed adoption, that is a painful weight to bear. Don't kid yourself that because you're all great parents, the children won't feel the weight of having to keep your secrets. They will feel this load and it will permeate their lives - always. Are you ready for your entire real life and the lives of your children to be perpetually hidden?

The sister-wife seeking couple isn't the same as a unicorn seeking couple, mostly because the founding principle of polygamy is to build a permanent family, while unicorn hunters are focused on pleasure and sex. Of course all unicorn hunters say they want love, but the must-have elements are pleasure and sex. As we all know, great sex is an awfully shaky foundation upon which to build a life, whereas family has a lot more to it. There are certainly many long term and what I'd call successful polygamous families that model that this can be a viable way of life - long term life. My impression is that most are founded on religious principles, which for better or worse, serve as the bedrock for the family.

 

[Tinwen]

What you write is very hopeful, actually.
You will hear the concept of a unicorn. Often, when a couple tries to open up, they will demand things that are almost impossible to fulfill from their 'third'. But it seems that your goals match and your couple sounds (hopefully) very egalitarian.

I would say your biggest pitfall is putting the goal ahead of building a relationship and seeing where it leads. Be sure to date them just as you would a monogamous person, get to know them for a year at least, don't rush decisions, don't move in with them in the initial period of infatuation. I don't want to make you overly suspicious, but this gives you time to clarify the things Emm mentions and observe if their walk matches their talk.

Your other big problem will be societal expectations. Do you think that your family will be supportive?
The question about being out or not (as Karen mentioned) should definitely be posed. I don't think it's impossible to be fully out - but it certainly takes courage.

For unclear reasons there are no sister-wife arrangements among the long-time members here, although we have a few brother-husband relationships. But I think these arrangements do work from time to time. The online place usually attracts people with problems to be solved - so there may be any number of relationships out there who are perfectly happy and thus don't feel the need to post online.
There was a poster in an arrangement similar to what you describe some time ago, she came with a huge problem, but it seems they worked things out over the course of a month. She hasn't been back since as far as I know.

Welcome to the forum, and good luck

 

[anamikanon]

You have arrived here with a new concept you don't know much about. It is looking very promising, but it is also a big decision. Some suggestions for you.

1. Spend some time on these forums, getting an idea of polyamory. Getting an idea of rewards, challenges, emotions triggered. Ask about things you'd like to know. Read about others in different situations - it is all human behavior and adds to a larger understanding.
2. Spend some time building a relationship with the couple. Take it in stages. Date them. If that works, get into a committed relationship. If that works, you will automatically find yourself ready for children at some point - given that you have already spent some thought on it and that it is a desire from the relationship.
3. Get an experience of being in the relationship with them, and creating a stable relationship before making choices that can't be reversed.
4. Discuss things clearly at every stage.

Some things to consider with very very brutal honesty - at least to yourself and definitely to discuss with them.

• What is the age difference between you and them?
• How many children are "a lot of children" and make a "big family"? What does this imply for the next few decades of your life? Children are most certainly not easy. They sound like they are in their 40s. What does it mean for your family responsibilities in another 20 years with children in various stages of growth, them both being old enough to be the grandparents and potentially needing care of their own in the future before you would?
• Did they consider adoption or surrogacy? What was the result of those deliberations? Would you, in effect be a surrogate mother for their children or an equal partner?
• What would happen if things didn't work out after you had children?
• If you are going to have a lot of children, even with them helping raise them, you'd be pregnant or feeding a lot of the time - building a stable career and good income would be difficult.

I am not saying that it can be done or can't be done. But you are new to the whole idea. There is a lot of food for thought.

Hope the forums help you find a perspective that empowers you to choose well.

 

[FallenAngelina]

They sound like they are in their 40s. What does it mean for your family responsibilities in another 20 years with children in various stages of growth, them both being old enough to be the grandparents and potentially needing care of their own in the future before you would?.

Age differences are something to consider, but people in their 40s conceive/adopt kids all of the time and easily live another 40-50 years to see them into solid independence before needing care themselves. Most people in their 60s are a long ways away from needing nursing care. I, myself, had my youngest when I was 41 and I've never been in better shape, physically and mentally. Sure, the age difference here poses questions, but let's be realistic and not paint everyone over 60 as a frail bag of bones. Some of the most active, healthy, busy and happy people I know are well over 60.

 

[Shaya]

Hi

Have you dated each of them individually? Kissed? Progressed sexually?

Maybe see how it goes for a year before any big commitments? There are likely to be many road bumps with jealousy and insecurity. The relationship style is likely to be very different from the relationships you've had in the past and you might want to try it first before committing.

Good luck

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings cmj2231,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds to me like you are an amazingly good match for this couple, and I encourage you to pursue a relationship with them. Don't hesitate to post here with any questions or concerns as you go along.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[cmj2231]

It sounds like they're fairly new to the idea, so you'll need to be wary of any number of first-timer mistakes.

A big one is the unspoken assumption that your needs will automatically come second to protecting the couple. For example, a common request is that any sexual activity between you and your partner can only take place if your metamour is involved as well, but asking for the reverse, that they refrain from sex unless you're there, would be unthinkable (huge double standard). You need to work out exactly what their expectations are and see if they match yours. Talk about everything; chances are there will be things each of you is taking for granted that differs from what the others are taking for granted. If you're not happy with their answers you don't have to agree to their conditions.

Find out what their expectations for your day-to-day behaviour are. Will you live with them? If so,will you have your own space that you can decorate in your own way in order to feel at home, or will you share all your space with them? Will you be able to display affection for your partner in front of his wife? In public? If not, are you going to be comfortable living—to all appearances—as their "just a friend" or housemate? Who will have the authority and/or responsibility for disciplining your future children? Will you all share child care, or will you have to give up any work outside the home to be a full-time carer? If things go pear-shaped who will get custody? If you've been a full-time nanny up until that point, will you be able to support yourself alone?

It may sound overly negative, but society is set up to favour couples so you'll need to build in your own protections.

We have talked about some of this already. To answer some of your questions, I would live with them. I would have my own bedroom and they are in the process of remodeling the home so I would have input into that, but other than the bedroom areas all of our other household spaces will be shared.

In terms of affection we haven't really talked about the parameters of it but he and I have discussed how strange it is at the moment because even though it is expected and approved it is strange because he has only been affectionate in any terms with his wife for the past 20 years. Throughout my recent weekend there, he would embrace me at times but he would withdraw at first when someone was coming into the room just because of the awkwardness of it at first but by the end of the weekend, he did embrace me in front of his daughter, and although I am not certain I believe he has shared with his current wife that he has embraced me. I have seen him do the same to her when we are all together as well so I can only imagine that this will come more naturally as we continue to move forward. In terms of sex, with us myself and her having bedrooms and him going between the two, sex would be individualized and not involve the other woman which is a much more comfortable situation for both she and I.

In terms of child care and child rearing, we will all have equal say in raising all of the children of the family. There are already two children in the home that are theirs and I would have equal weight in child care, and discipline as they would and they would have the same with any future children I may create. We have not had the "if things go south" discussion yet, but definitely need to for the future. They encourage me to continue working as well and pursue any personal dreams I may have. The "how do we explain this to other people?" is a massive question though. When I was there for the weekend people did have questions and I was just identified as a friend but that will have to have more clarification in the future if I were to become the second wife because we wouldn't want to just have the "friend" title since we all want to have the same equalities.

I don't think you are being too negative at all in your response. I think that it is helpful to have me look at things from all respects because I am so new to this. I would rather see it under every lense instead of going in blindsided.

 

[cmj2231]

Unless this couple is extraordinarily secure in every way, your authentic life will be a secret. You will live as an affair partner and major aspects of who you are will never be recognized. That can be awfully wearing and disheartening as time goes on. You will be physically visible, but your love and everything about it (including any children) will have to either remain hidden or contain lies. Your children will learn how to hide and bend the truth about their family and who they are. That is not a judgement (many families teach these things in various ways) but it's a particular reality for children of plural marriage. Who they really are is a big secret - and speaking as an adult of closed adoption, that is a painful weight to bear. Don't kid yourself that because you're all great parents, the children won't feel the weight of having to keep your secrets. They will feel this load and it will permeate their lives - always. Are you ready for your entire real life and the lives of your children to be perpetually hidden?

The sister-wife seeking couple isn't the same as a unicorn seeking couple, mostly because the founding principle of polygamy is to build a permanent family, while unicorn hunters are focused on pleasure and sex. Of course all unicorn hunters say they want love, but the must-have elements are pleasure and sex. As we all know, great sex is an awfully shaky foundation upon which to build a life, whereas family has a lot more to it. There are certainly many long term and what I'd call successful polygamous families that model that this can be a viable way of life - long term life. My impression is that most are founded on religious principles, which for better or worse, serve as the bedrock for the family.

No one really wants to keep the relationship and family dynamic a secret and with them and essentially me potentially eventually living in a very small town it would be very difficult to keep it a secret. We have not quite figured out the best way to approach the subject with others though, for instance over the weekend I was introduced as a friend but if I were to become the second wife that wouldn't happen, we need to figure out better ways to introduce the idea to people but still allow it to be safe for the family.

 

[cmj2231]

imetz viale

Age differences are something to consider, but people in their 40s conceive/adopt kids all of the time and easily live another 40-50 years to see them into solid independence before needing care themselves. Most people in their 60s are a long ways away from needing nursing care. I, myself, had my youngest when I was 41 and I've never been in better shape, physically and mentally. Sure, the age difference here poses questions, but let's be realistic and not paint everyone over 60 as a frail bag of bones. Some of the most active, healthy, busy and happy people I know are well over 60.

I can say they are very healthy, active, busy, and happy people and with a large farm to take care of, him running his own business, and her being in the healthcare field they can certainly hold their own.

 

[cmj2231]

Hi

Have you dated each of them individually? Kissed? Progressed sexually?

Maybe see how it goes for a year before any big commitments? There are likely to be many road bumps with jealousy and insecurity. The relationship style is likely to be very different from the relationships you've had in the past and you might want to try it first before committing.

Good luck

I just met them in person this past weekend and was able to spend time with them together, as a family, and individually. The husband and I did find a couple of occasions where we shared embraces or kisses but nothing further than that because we are trying to take things slower. She and I would not be physically intimate because our relationship would be based solely on friendship. Right now it is a matter of a "courtship" type relationship between myself and the husband, myself and the family, and then developing a friendship between me and the current wife.

 

[cmj2231]

Greetings cmj2231,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds to me like you are an amazingly good match for this couple, and I encourage you to pursue a relationship with them. Don't hesitate to post here with any questions or concerns as you go along.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thank you for your encouragement Kevin. It does seem like I am a great match for this couple and the family in general. I spent this past weekend at their home and we only found more things in common and the visit was very pleasant and we were all happy with how it turned out. The plan going forward is a "courtship" of sorts with me and the husband, me and the family, and developing a friendship with the current wife. I am still trying to take it all in and digest it if you will because this is not the type of relationship I ever imagined having. I still need to be 100% certain that it is right for me.

 

[Shaya]

I just met them in person this past weekend and was able to spend time with them together, as a family, and individually.

Hi,

I presume when you say you "just met them" this past weekend, you mean you just met his family. I'm presuming you've met him for more than just one weekend before deciding to move in with them?

Do you see yourself enjoying the farm life? If not, hopefully you have a way to back out of this situation gracefully if it doesn't work out for you?

I can see you're excited about having a sister wife, but I might be cautiously optimistic about the kids. Kids are... kids. Sometimes they don't get it, especially if someone starts teasing them or badmouthing their parents because of you. You also mentioned that you thought you might get equal say in how to raise the kids.

In terms of child care and child rearing, we will all have equal say in raising all of the children of the family. There are already two children in the home that are theirs and I would have equal weight in child care.

Equality between all members of a family is probably nice on paper, but I suspect in reality the two of them (your soon-to-be lover and his wife) will probably have a bigger say, given their bigger emotional investment. You don't sound like the type to step on toes, but I wouldn't go into the household expecting an equal say on their kids. Just a thought.

Hope things turn out well for you. What do your friends or family think of your sudden move? They're probably more suited to advise you on large, life-changing things like this as opposed to strangers on the internet. Having said that, my overall advise would be to go slow, or if that's not possible due to other complex reasons, make sure you have an exit plan, just in case.

Oh, and look up unicorn and polyamory.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

PLEASE do not decide, based on just one in-person meeting, that you are going to live with them. If you were dating a mono guy, would you two be talking about living together after just one in-person date? You would run screaming for the hills!

Poly relationships are just like any other; they take TIME. What if you moved in and you found life unbearable? What would you do? I'm not saying this would happen, but it's just way, way too soon to tell.

 

[cmj2231]

PLEASE do not decide, based on just one in-person meeting, that you are going to live with them. If you were dating a mono guy, would you two be talking about living together after just one in-person date? You would run screaming for the hills!

Poly relationships are just like any other; they take TIME. What if you moved in and you found life unbearable? What would you do? I'm not saying this would happen, but it's just way, way too soon to tell.

I absolutely would not decide anything so serious on one meeting because as you said, it is way too soon to tell anything. I plan to take time to get to know them and see if it is something I wish to continue to pursue. Trust me, this is not something I am taking lightly nor diving into head first which is why I am here talking it out with all of you.