What are your requirements of new partners?

G

GrowingTogether

New member
This has been one of the things I have been mulling around in my brain as my wife and I continue our intermittent discussions about moving toward an open marriage. Neither of us have any potential new partners at hand at the moment, but I think that probably makes this the right time to be considering these questions.

So what do you require of a potential new partner? I know that's a very broad question. To target it a little better, I'm thinking mostly about this in terms of the new partners relationships with those around them. Do you, for example, need them to be open with any current partners about their (emerging) relationship with you? Is it enough for you to be open on your end and allow them to deal with their side in their own way, or do you need to have some assurances that - if they are married, for example - their partner knows about you and your relationship with their spouse?

I know there are also a whole host of other conversations (especially health-related conversations). Are there any in particular that are top of your list when you're getting to know someone new?
 
How much of what is said and done by the two of us while alone will later be up for discussion with their other partner(s)? Will they share personal communications (email, sms, etc) with anyone? If I can't have a reasonable expectation of privacy I'm not going to say or do anything worthy of discussion.

Their existing relationships must be stable and amicable. I'm not interested in trying to be a substitute for marriage counselling.

Also, "yes" to your example question. Any other partners must be aware of my (potential) relationship with their partner. We don't have to be best buddies, but as an absolute bare minimum we do each have to know the other exists.
 
High communication.
Liberal. Beyond liberal. The father left, the better.
Kitchen-table model of poly.
Neither closeted queer nor closeted poly.
Respects relationship privacy and actively tries not to triangulate.
Responsible about scheduling.
 
For the partner who gets into the relationship to ensure good communication and the relationship between us must remain loving.

Clear communication about the new relationship. I don't necessarily need to meet the partner, but my partner should be able to describe what is going on enough that I have an idea what to expect in terms of our relationship. Is he besotted? Is he high on NRE? is he considering something serious or long term (meeting is mandatory and at least mutual respect and responsible relationship management). DADT would not work. At all. I'd count it as an affair.

I would prefer a friendly relationship with his partner though not mandatory. Just seems less headaches all around if everyone likes everyone. He has said that he wouldn't be excessively interested in meeting any of mine, but not excessively averse either.

I don't expect to have any limitations on what they do and such as long as I know what to expect in my relationship with my partner.

I would expect decisions between us to take into consideration any other partners we have and would expect both of us to do the same with other partners with regard to us. No martyrdom or privilege, but sensitivity and fairness.

Basic sex-ed type stuff - use condom, etc.

My preference would not be casual sex, but I don't rule it out on principle. However I don't have a problem with my partner having casual sex as long as it is safe sex and our relationship doesn't suffer (for example vanishing off every night to get laid, being absent at home to disruptive extents). Though honestly, I'd prefer if any casual sex were an exception rather than the norm for either of us.

No dishonesty. A discrete relationship or concealing from family/friends/society is fine, but everyone who needs to know must know and consent. Me, him, his/my partner, their partner/s... No secrecy between intimate partners.

+ the stuff Autumnleaves said. I'd like that.
 
I wonder if picking stable people would be on the list. Poly is hard enough without having to contemplate starting something rosy with a person on the rebound or in the midst of a breakup.

I also wonder if long term goals are important. If you're a previously monogamous couple, and the man finds a new single woman who wants kids, a house and a family with 2.3 children, that might be tough. I think the term used sometimes is cowgirl/cowboy?
 
Hi GrowingTogether,

I'm in a poly-fi V so there's two levels of partner, one is just someone I date (no sex), two is someone who joins the V (and makes it an N). The main thing with the "first-level partner" is just that they can't be a jerk. If they have a spouse I'm sure we'd want to know that said spouse knows about (and consents to) the dating relationship. For a "second-level partner," all four of us (three plus the new person) would have to get along well as at least friends.

Other requirements may arise, so if we're just talking about a hypothetical person, we prefer to keep things simple. I hope that answers some of your questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm the hinge in a MFM and a primary F in a FMF.

For all partners entering our relationship they have to be recently tested for STIs. And anyone with a uterus needs to be using some form of birth control. High communication and knowing that as a couple we're a "package" so to speak; each of us may have boundaries that affect our metas in certain ways (example, we going to have set days and/or times that are just for us as a couple and not open to being swapped out for a date night). Total and complete honesty. We don't want a DADT relationship, but we also don't NEED to hear every single detail. SOmetimes we want to, but I can ask my husband to chill on getting all the details

My personal boundary for my husband is that when he is with his girlfriend sexually, he wears a condom. She's got an IUD (like me) and has been recently tested, but it's more just for my comfort level. It's not going to be a permanent boundary I just view barebacking it as a very intimate thing so I'm not comfortable with that level of intimacy yet.
 
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Obviously we all have personal preferences with regards to who we would date, whether we are poly or not.

As to things specifically poly, I have a couple. I won't be a party to cheating. I don't mind meeting metas, but would not like having to constantly spend time with them. Also, they must respect my other partners' feelings about meeting metas. I require that a new partner be honest in terms of how much time they have for me. I prefer they not be mono, though that is not a complete deal-breaker.
 
I'm in a MFM V-shape and both my partners are monogamous, but we have some guidelines for all of us, in case I or they do start dating anyone.

Kitchen-table style of poly
Absolutely no cheating partners or DADT
No dating a co-worker or family member of anyone in our group (no "messy" people)
Condoms until a new STD test, and some other barrier to prevent pregnancy afterward

The only other rule I have at the moment is that I don't want to be weirded out on facebook by some chick posting lots of romantic stuff all over my husbands' page. I would like for them to keep those messages private. If that was something they didn't want to do, then I would unfriend them for my own peace of mind. Maybe I could deal with it, but at this moment, nope. Unfriending them would be the easiest way for me to deal with this issue, I think.
 
Bluebird said:
The only other rule I have at the moment is that I don't want to be weirded out on facebook by some chick posting lots of romantic stuff all over my husbands' page.
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Out of curiosity. You prefer the kitchen-table style of poly and are not in the closet. This bothers you, so I'm wondering if there is something about the romantic stuff being on Facebook/internet or are there rules about PDAs in the kitchen-table poly as well? (this is assuming she isn't putting sexually explicit stuff and such on his page publicly)
 
I can only speak to what "rules" are in my own V. For me, kitchen style poly means we hang out together, discuss issues, not be jerks to each other. DarkKnight and PunkRock are cool with PDA, but I don't exactly fuck them individually on the floor in front of each other either, savvy? Kissing and flirting are ok, but other than that we're pretty tame. They tease me and will take turns making fun of me, make sexual jokes. I sometimes cozy up between both of them when watching a movie. At no time does it get x-rated, or even R rated. There's respect there, between my guys, and with me.

My Facebook thing is more about that, I think. At one point PunkRock had an ex girlfriend pop up and start posting sexually explicit memes on his page, dirty jokes - stuff that was really inappropriate, in my opinion. Actually scratch that - she wasn't even an ex, she was a college friend who he'd hooked up with once, 20 years ago. She'd make comments that made it sound like they were currently dating and hooking up now. I told PunkRock I didn't like it, and if he did, then I would remove myself from the situation there. I told him if he wanted to keep me friended then that stuff needed to go into private messages. He was actually kinda shocked himself because he said he had zero desire to see this chick or even really talk to her, and didn't want it on his wall or in PMs. So, he messaged her and told her to knock it off. It stopped and everything was good again. So your assumption is wrong - lol - I typed romantic and meant to say sexual. If PunkRock and DarkKnight were dating someone, I think I would be ok with seeing lovey-dovey posts. 🙂
 
My requirements:

I don't do "staying in the closet" in general. I have no problem downplaying the open/poly aspect in certain situations (elderly family who are going to die before they'd have time to accept it, employers, etc), however in day-to-day interaction, I will be me and that includes talking about my kid, my loves, and all that. If you're a woman and we're dating, I will hold your hand and kiss you in front of anyone. If you're not okay with that, then we will not be dating anymore. No closets for me, unless absolutely necessary. This is a me-thing. Hubby and Boy may have different standards.

Appropriate STI testing for the situation. Neither Hubby nor Boy are dating, so we all got tested then tested again 6 months later and called it good. If anyone decides to be sexually active outside the group again, that person would need to go back to an every 3-6 month testing routine.

A certain level of "kitchen table" acceptance. I don't need us to all live together. Scratch that. I don't WANT us to all live together, but I want to be able to talk through an issue with the people involved. If I can't go "Hey, meta, I'm really struggling with adjusting to Hubby dating again - would you mind toning down the lovey, touchy stuff when we're all hanging out until I get a handle on that? I promise I'm actively working on it and if I don't bring it up again in 1 month, you should definitely check in with me!" then I probably won't want to be around someone at all. If I can't be around someone at all, then they are automatically not included in birthdays, holidays, trips, etc. (because kid, so Hubby will NOT be away from family at those times). I'm not a fan of hierarchy but understand that in some situations, it is necessary and would count that as one of those times.

No cheating. Boy and Hubby are on board with this as well. We do not engage in anyone that is engaged in a cheating situation. Physical safety, sanity, and drama-avoidance are key here.
 
Thanks to everyone for these replies. Sorry I haven't been around for a few days to respond. This has given me a tonne to think about.

One thing I'm a bit surprised by is the lack of comfort relating with others who are "in the closet", so to speak, about their poly. I'm taking this to mean that most of you are only open to poly relationships with people who are public about the fact that they are non-monogamous? Or, when you say "in the closet", are you just referring to people who don't tell their partners about their extra-curricular activity?
 
GrowingTogether said:
Thanks to everyone for these replies. Sorry I haven't been around for a few days to respond. This has given me a tonne to think about.

One thing I'm a bit surprised by is the lack of comfort relating with others who are "in the closet", so to speak, about their poly. I'm taking this to mean that most of you are only open to poly relationships with people who are public about the fact that they are non-monogamous? Or, when you say "in the closet", are you just referring to people who don't tell their partners about their extra-curricular activity?
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I mean public. I don't want to have to stay in and avoid public places because "someone might see." I don't want to feel unimportant because "they can't know." Things like that.
 
Thanks for the clarity. Am I hearing you correctly in that your concern is mostly with how their "closeted-ness" manifests in behaviour, as opposed to a theoretical opposition to it? I guess what I'm asking is, suppose a potential partner only asked that you keep overt displays of affection (that would tip off the fact that you were romantically involved) to private situations? In other words, they wouldn't be opposed to being seen with you or to interacting with you the way friends would act, but would like to keep the romantic / sexual aspect "in the closet". Is that still a dealbreaker?

And to be clear - no judgement whatsoever, I'm just trying to understand.
 
I'm single right now, and primarily looking for a primary partner (For the most part, I practice hierarchial poly).

Firstly, it depends on if the person is going to be a primary partner or a secondary partner. I bend a lot more in deal breakers with secondary partners than I do with primary partners. For primary partners:


  1. No religion

    No right-wingers. If you voted for Trump, I'd never speak you again.

    No closets

    No veto power

    No kids

    No men

    Be ambitious/self-supporting

Secondaries:


  1. Make sure everyone involved knows about the relationship (no cheating - I've had this happen before)

    No men

    Establish boundaries prior to bringing others in

    Make sure any primary partners are okay with everything that is going on

    No veto power
 
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GrowingTogether said:
Thanks for the clarity. Am I hearing you correctly in that your concern is mostly with how their "closeted-ness" manifests in behaviour, as opposed to a theoretical opposition to it? I guess what I'm asking is, suppose a potential partner only asked that you keep overt displays of affection (that would tip off the fact that you were romantically involved) to private situations? In other words, they wouldn't be opposed to being seen with you or to interacting with you the way friends would act, but would like to keep the romantic / sexual aspect "in the closet". Is that still a dealbreaker?

And to be clear - no judgement whatsoever, I'm just trying to understand.
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I don't want to be on guard with someone I love. If I can't hold their hand, give them a quick kiss, lean my head on their shoulder in public, I'm going to feel very disconnected to them and the relationship will probably not be sustainable for me. I don't need masses of PDA, but I refuse to ever again have a partner introduce me to someone as their "friend." That limits my potential partners, but I don't really want relationships that are uncomfortable anyway. :)
 
Aside from what sorts of things would make me attracted to a person in general, I wouldn't be willing to involve myself in a relationship with anyone who was unwilling to meet and casually associate with my current partner(s), or who had partners of their own who were unwilling to do the same with me. We don't all have to be friends, but if we can't all share a meal a couple times a year without drama, I'm not comfortable. (I'd be just as unwilling to date someone whose parents, for example, refused to ever associate with me.) I do rather see "meet the metas" in the same light as "meet the parents" meaning once we've progressed to considering ourselves in a relationship, that's a thing I want to happen.

I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who I knew was in a rocky/unstable relationship. Stuff can happen at any time, but I don't want to sign up for potential exposure to that kind of drama from the get go.

No potential or current partner will have veto power over who I see, or what acts I may perform with others. They may not insist on my using barriers with others, but they may insist I use them with themself, and they have every right to decline to participate in certain acts or choose not to pursue a relationship at all, knowing I am fluid bonded with another partner.

I'm not willing to enter a relationship with someone who practices a strict relationship hierarchy. They may live with another partner and all the things that go along with couplehood, but if they are not in a position to be able to grow to love me in an equal sort of amount, I'd rather not spend my time pursuing that relationship.
 
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GrowingTogether said:
Thanks for the clarity. Am I hearing you correctly in that your concern is mostly with how their "closeted-ness" manifests in behaviour, as opposed to a theoretical opposition to it? I guess what I'm asking is, suppose a potential partner only asked that you keep overt displays of affection (that would tip off the fact that you were romantically involved) to private situations? In other words, they wouldn't be opposed to being seen with you or to interacting with you the way friends would act, but would like to keep the romantic / sexual aspect "in the closet". Is that still a dealbreaker?
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It's a deal breaker for me to be around people I'm expected to be closeted around. This is from experience - my first seriously poly relationship (HipsterBoy and that quad) was semi-closeted - I was out to my friends, but he wasn't out to his, and there were a few rather awkward parties where we (my husband, who was dating HipsterBoy's wife, and I) were the odd people out amongst this really tight knit group of neighbors/friends - and we didn't even have a really good story of how we even knew them outside dating, as it started as an OKCupid thing. So there was just this awkward vibe of "why are you here? we don't understand?" and I won't be in that again.

That doesn't mean that a partner has to be out with everyone, just that I don't want to be around people they aren't out with... which depending on their life, could be limiting. My Artist is out with everyone except his father - I've hung out with his sister and even gone to a work party with him - and that's *fine*, I just don't want to *meet* his father until he's out. (They aren't close, so this works.) And I'm not out with my inlaws, so I can't entirely throw stones there, either.
 
What are your requirements of new partners

There is actually a study that says females choose partners who are most compatible to bear children with. But,something more interesting that Ive seen, a lot of men tend to date women who look like their Mothers.

Anywho,the husband and I look alike in many ways.But, ive fallen pretty hard for men that are 100different than me in appearance.
 
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