Feeling lost in open relationship

[GalaGirl]

He constantly talks about how he has always been seen as the guy that people use for emotional support

If this is a problem for him? Being "used" by others? Rather than complain to you about it he could tell these people "No, thank you. I'm not up for providing you with emotional support right now." He could learn to say "No."

I think he's willing to let her take advantage of something that he clearly needs to work on because he wants to sleep with her...

That's all his business/her business.

If he's choosing to overextend himself when he's low on reserves just in the hopes that he's going to get laid? I'm not sure that his intentions are all that good. (Before you were saying how you were worried about her intentions.)

I guess this is something he needs to figure out for himself, you're right.. it's not my responsibility. it's something that he needs to figure out for himself and so I try to only speak positively about her when he vents to me about feeling lead on.

Yup. That's all HIS stuff to deal with. Not yours.

Why's he venting at you about her leading him on? You don't have to be the listener. You could tell him -- "I'm full. I've heard lots already. I think you need to talk to someone else about your continuing problems with her."

If he's spending a lot of the (you + him) time talking about her over there, then he really isn't being present over here with you.

He's just been hurt so much in the past that I guess I'm overprotective and would hate for her to break it off and him get nothing physical out of it...

Whether or not they break up (having shared sex or not) isn't your job/concern.

It's also not her job to give him sex to "make up" for him feeling hurt in the past. That would be weird.

Or to "pay" for him choosing to give her emotional support. That would also be weird.

It is his job to do his emotional management. Not yours. You don't have to hover or be overprotective. Trust him to handle his stuff.

It is his job to make his behavior choices. If he keeps picking out people to hang around with who end up dinging him and he feels bad as a result? He could stop picking that type of people out. So then he doesn't get hurt some more. He could LISTEN to his feelings, change his way of going, and wait for new feelings to ensue as a result.

I guess I've gotten used to him having things more similar to one night stands... and so yes I'm jealous that they are actually taking time to get to know each other. I guess that's something I've been looking for myself and so it's scary for him to make that progression before me. I love him and am excited that he found someone to get to know but I can't help but feel left out I suppose...

Well, someone has to be first to find a regular dating partner. You could make peace that it might be him rather than you.

I wonder if you are struggling more with worries about being "left behind" than "left out?"

Galagirl

 

[Shaya]

I don't know if you would find jealousy resources useful. If you're a thinky type and likes philosophy and stuff, here's what I feel to be the most thorough intellectual discussion regarding jealousy that I've come across, with the caveat that it has a poly bias to it. The same author wrote something more complex a few years later. There is very little in the way of how to practically manage jealousy and insecurity here (it's all about philosophy). If you're more looking for management strategies, kdt has some good links.

 

[hsun]

I don't know if you would find jealousy resources useful. If you're a thinky type and likes philosophy and stuff, here's what I feel to be the most thorough intellectual discussion regarding jealousy that I've come across, with the caveat that it has a poly bias to it. The same author wrote something more complex a few years later. There is very little in the way of how to practically manage jealousy and insecurity here (it's all about philosophy). If you're more looking for management strategies, kdt has some good links.

Thank you, Shaya. I read thru most of the links and actually found them to be very insightful. I'm definitely working through some issues in feeling insecure and jealous. I forget that I have control over the way I feel and suppose it gets the best of me at times.

 

[Shaya]

Hsun, of the 3 links above, I have to say that the feedback I've received from this forum since I started is that the first 2 links have a bias in their approach to jealousy. They cast jealousy in a negative light. Some people on this forum have said that jealousy isn't always negative (post 5-12), and can sometimes serve as a early warning sign, though it may be difficult to tell at the time when you are experiencing it.

The links are still useful in my opinion, but I wanted to point out what other more experienced members on this forum thought about it.