Coming out
- Thread starter ElMango
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Spork
Active member
It's like anything. You do it in whatever way works for you.
I am personally doing what I can to be more authentic to myself, meaning yes, more "out" about certain things. For me that is more BDSM than it is poly, but whatever. So the people I work with that I actually have conversations with from time to time, tend to know. I work in a pretty big office though, so there are plenty of folks I haven't told. It isn't like I'm trying to keep it secret from them though. I don't care if they know. Office gossip doesn't bother me, if word has spread, I'm fine with that.
If I needed it to be secret from some of my coworkers, for instance, my boss, I would have told no one at work. And I would not wear my collar at work, which I do.
My sons are teenagers and they know. My parents and my brothers know. My extended family (aunts, cousins, etc) don't necessarily, but it's mostly because I don't talk to them much. My friends know.
In fact I recently rejected a rather aggressive demand for friendship from a friend of Zen's and a big factor was that he is scornful of our lifestyle and wanted me to "never talk about it." The problem there is that he can't separate the fact that it's this whole lifestyle and more than bedroom stuff. I'm a volunteer at a dungeon and "community center" and gallery place we hang out at. I won't censor myself to avoid the subject entirely, because it is too big a part of my life. And I have no shame about it. I don't want to spend my time with people who have a need for anything sexual to be shamey. He will only talk about sex when he is shaming someone or being a judgmental prick, or whining about how his wife doesn't want it. I don't wanna hear that.
So if you feel a strong need to be very out, then you will find yourself choosing your friends differently. If you feel a strong need to keep friends who might have a problem with your poly (or whatever) then you might need to not be "out" to all of them, or maybe to be quietly out if it makes them uncomfortable. It's all up to you.
The one thing I advise is like with any sensitive piece of information, if you aren't comfortable with some particular person or group knowing, you have to think about who you are telling who has contact with that person. It is never fair to expect a wife to keep secrets from her husband, or someone from their best friend. Realistically, there is a good chance they will tell. Expecting them to hold your secret because you can't...is shifting a burden onto them. Choose wisely.
Or just throw a party, tell everyone you know, and let the chips fall where they may.
There is no one right answer to this. Do what you want.
I am personally doing what I can to be more authentic to myself, meaning yes, more "out" about certain things. For me that is more BDSM than it is poly, but whatever. So the people I work with that I actually have conversations with from time to time, tend to know. I work in a pretty big office though, so there are plenty of folks I haven't told. It isn't like I'm trying to keep it secret from them though. I don't care if they know. Office gossip doesn't bother me, if word has spread, I'm fine with that.
If I needed it to be secret from some of my coworkers, for instance, my boss, I would have told no one at work. And I would not wear my collar at work, which I do.
My sons are teenagers and they know. My parents and my brothers know. My extended family (aunts, cousins, etc) don't necessarily, but it's mostly because I don't talk to them much. My friends know.
In fact I recently rejected a rather aggressive demand for friendship from a friend of Zen's and a big factor was that he is scornful of our lifestyle and wanted me to "never talk about it." The problem there is that he can't separate the fact that it's this whole lifestyle and more than bedroom stuff. I'm a volunteer at a dungeon and "community center" and gallery place we hang out at. I won't censor myself to avoid the subject entirely, because it is too big a part of my life. And I have no shame about it. I don't want to spend my time with people who have a need for anything sexual to be shamey. He will only talk about sex when he is shaming someone or being a judgmental prick, or whining about how his wife doesn't want it. I don't wanna hear that.
So if you feel a strong need to be very out, then you will find yourself choosing your friends differently. If you feel a strong need to keep friends who might have a problem with your poly (or whatever) then you might need to not be "out" to all of them, or maybe to be quietly out if it makes them uncomfortable. It's all up to you.
The one thing I advise is like with any sensitive piece of information, if you aren't comfortable with some particular person or group knowing, you have to think about who you are telling who has contact with that person. It is never fair to expect a wife to keep secrets from her husband, or someone from their best friend. Realistically, there is a good chance they will tell. Expecting them to hold your secret because you can't...is shifting a burden onto them. Choose wisely.
Or just throw a party, tell everyone you know, and let the chips fall where they may.
There is no one right answer to this. Do what you want.
I am not "all out" as poly, nor totally in the closet either. My friends and all people I want to spend my free time with know. Others don't. That means we are not out to neighbors and coworkers and such - and also means I won't tell anyone at work. The fact of being closeted does restrict my social connections locally. It sucks, but well - it is my choice and our choice as a family.
Coming out to friends has been easy enough. It was scary at first but nothing bad ever happened, really. My friends are very poly friendly or non-monogamous themselves.
Coming out to friends has been easy enough. It was scary at first but nothing bad ever happened, really. My friends are very poly friendly or non-monogamous themselves.
Coming out to my best friend...resulted in us realizing that we both are poly! I've come out to one polyfriendly coworker and she literally had such a positive reaction (she reacted as if it was literally the smallest deal ever) I made sure she knew I wasn't joking! It was actually pretty awesome to have someone give so little shits and treat it as if it's super normal. We don't try to hide things from our neighbours.
For us, it's my mom that is the barrier to being open. How does one deal with a wildcard?
Spork
Active member
1. Think about what you know of her. What is her background, is she easily threatened by "different?" Is she fairly open-minded? Have you heard her say judgmental things about others? What are her politics? Her religious values? Are her hopes for you more that you will do objectively "good" things (achievements) with your life, or that you will be happy? How concerned is she with appearances and impressing others?
2. Based on how you poly, and how involved (or not) she is in your life, is it even important for her to know? Would she find out if you didn't tell her? (If the odds are she'll find out anyways, it's probably best to tell her yourself.)
3. Are you prepared to explain how you poly and why it contributes to your happiness? Do you have skills in being diplomatic in presenting new ideas to other people? A lot of things come down to how you say it, rather than what you say. Being able to connect with others on levels that mean something to them is a gift...not everyone is good at it.
And sometimes, a wildcard is a wildcard and there is no predicting it.
My little brother is very, very religious. But...in kind of a cool way. He is not very judgy, he has traveled on mission work, but this is building homes and planting gardens for the poor. He plays his guitar and sings about Jesus and smokes a pipe. He's kind of a hipster/bohemian who is all light and love, and Jesus and God's plan and stuff.
I...am a former Satanist, a masochist, a hedonist, and well...he's got every reason to fret about my soul. Or...whatever.
We get along great. And I was easily able to explain my involvement with BDSM in a way that he totally gets. He has been into rock climbing, and kayaking and other high-thrill adrenaline activities, see. I'm only getting high on the chemicals that God gave me. It's more a matter of meditation and transcendence through pain, than it is weird sex. And he totally got that.
My Mom on the other hand, is freaky in her own way, not religious at ALL, and very very liberal. She didn't judge me when I was a pot smoker (many years ago) and she didn't judge me for being an "ethical slut" flavored solo poly sort of a gal and she wouldn't judge me if I chased sex or money or whatever. But BDSM? Suddenly she is protective and doesn't like what I'm doing. What...?
Point being...yes, you can think this through and come at it all prepared and imagine you know what to expect from people, and yet they can still surprise you. Which brings me to my final point:
4. What happens if she reacts badly? What are the stakes, before you throw the dice and tell her, what do you stand to lose if she freaks out?
(I couldn't get the multiquote to work properly)
My my is left leaning but very judgmental. She's a Christian who hopes I will do more 'good things' vs my happiness. She's also very biphobic so that's a friendly tidbit she doesn't know about me. Appearances are everything to her. Basically I'm pretty sure I'd be an embarrassment to her. If my boyfriend was, frankly, stereotypically good looking and wealthy she'd probably care less.
Honestly everything comes out in the wash eventually. I don't like lying. Her knowing isn't important to me, but my boyfriend is. And having him involved in our lives in something I want and like it or not my mom is part of my life.
I do...but not always with my mom. She tends to latch on to something and not let go. SO any negative ideas she may have (I've never breached the topic even with her) she won't let go of no matter what.
I know how my dad (her husband) deals with her. WHich is basically not let anything ruffle his feathers. And I know his reaction would be very DADT. I could bring my boyfriend to family dinners and shit and so long as he didn't have to know details me being happy is what would matter.
She'd never disown me. Frankly it would just be more annoying and grating than anything.
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Is it a good idea to breach the topic in a very depersonalized way? Talk about hypothetical situations?
My my is left leaning but very judgmental. She's a Christian who hopes I will do more 'good things' vs my happiness. She's also very biphobic so that's a friendly tidbit she doesn't know about me. Appearances are everything to her. Basically I'm pretty sure I'd be an embarrassment to her. If my boyfriend was, frankly, stereotypically good looking and wealthy she'd probably care less.
Honestly everything comes out in the wash eventually. I don't like lying. Her knowing isn't important to me, but my boyfriend is. And having him involved in our lives in something I want and like it or not my mom is part of my life.
I do...but not always with my mom. She tends to latch on to something and not let go. SO any negative ideas she may have (I've never breached the topic even with her) she won't let go of no matter what.
I know how my dad (her husband) deals with her. WHich is basically not let anything ruffle his feathers. And I know his reaction would be very DADT. I could bring my boyfriend to family dinners and shit and so long as he didn't have to know details me being happy is what would matter.
She'd never disown me. Frankly it would just be more annoying and grating than anything.
--
Is it a good idea to breach the topic in a very depersonalized way? Talk about hypothetical situations?
Spork
Active member
I'm not really sure that bringing it up in depersonalized and hypothetical ways is helpful. It might seem easier, but until you reach the point of saying, "So...this is me, it's how I'm living my life" it also gives her a chance to be negative, even nasty about it. Imagine, "So there is a thing called polyamory where people, with full consent of all involved, are having relationships involving more than two partners..." and when it's faceless like that, she can, if so inclined, begin a rant on the immorality of SOME PEOPLE.
On the other hand, if you sit her down, and tell her that you aren't sure how she is going to feel about this, but you feel the need to be honest about your life choices, and you hope that she will understand that you're doing what is best for your happiness, and then explain what is going on... Now you have not given her an idea to judge, you have placed her in the position where she's gotta get real. And with the first approach, she'd have to get there AFTER she reacted to the idea...this way, she's got to temper her reaction to the idea, with her interaction with her child, and skip the anonymous bullcrap.
I would be in a position of, "I hope that you'll understand and be happy for me, because my life is AMAZING right now. But if you can't, well...I'll be sorry to hear it, but it doesn't change how I will choose to live. I know it's unusual, but it's not unethical. I'm not ashamed and I don't want to hide."
But that...is just me. And it certainly is no more or less likely to set someone off, if that's the way they are determined to be.
On the other hand, if you sit her down, and tell her that you aren't sure how she is going to feel about this, but you feel the need to be honest about your life choices, and you hope that she will understand that you're doing what is best for your happiness, and then explain what is going on... Now you have not given her an idea to judge, you have placed her in the position where she's gotta get real. And with the first approach, she'd have to get there AFTER she reacted to the idea...this way, she's got to temper her reaction to the idea, with her interaction with her child, and skip the anonymous bullcrap.
I would be in a position of, "I hope that you'll understand and be happy for me, because my life is AMAZING right now. But if you can't, well...I'll be sorry to hear it, but it doesn't change how I will choose to live. I know it's unusual, but it's not unethical. I'm not ashamed and I don't want to hide."
But that...is just me. And it certainly is no more or less likely to set someone off, if that's the way they are determined to be.
anamikanon
New member
I don't know if this is a useful answer, but I've never stated my own reality as anything different from what I believed. I've told a teenage romance that he was my one happily-ever-after and I've told Spexy - my biggest, flawed and utterly irresistible love that I will never promise monogamy even if I die single or leaving only him behind. Because I believe that the heart loves where it will and I will never promise to FAKE my feelings to suit some concept.
I may never fall in love again, I may do it every week. It doesn't matter. I believe we feel what we feel and our commitment to a relationship is to nurture it, not turn it into a "ghetto" separating us from the rest of the world.
I've also said things somewhere in between like "Most marriages die of work pressure, not infidelity" or "If my husband were to be in an affair with someone? So? Hope he has fun."
This is the reason my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to his parents either. It isn't that they would love him less, he just knows he'll never hear the end of it. It kinda sucks because I'd love to meet his family and all that. I don't want to have to hide who I am either, but I'm not super open yet myself. I've told some friends, some co-workers, and my mom and sister and everyone has been supportive and fine, but there are still the fears of EVERYONE knowing and how that will be perceived, particularly those people close to my husband.
vinsanity0
Active member
Are you my sister? LOL
But seriously, my mom is pretty much the same way. I did try to tell her once. I got as far as telling her we dated other people. I could tell she wasn't getting it. I figured the aggravation wasn't worth it so I left it at that. It's not like she really took our 22 year relationship seriously anyway because we never officially married. My family and i are not all that close so it's not a big deal.
I'm more concerned about her being judgmental of B. There are definitely things she could fixate on.
I get defensive about those I care about. If she picked at him it would end in a fight.
But like my mom can be weird about shit "they can be bior gay but my kids can't "