Sex rejection in open relationship

[Eva92]

I hope you guys don't mind that I'm continuing my story here. It's nice to have a safe place where I can talk about my relationship with people who don't know us in real life.

We had a relaxed and fun weekend, but I still had many doubts about us. Two days ago, my boyfriend suddenly texted me when he was at work, and said that we need to talk. He texted that he's thinking about breaking up with me, because he doesn't see a future with me anymore (because we have a different view on the open/poly relationship). I was hurt that he wanted to say this with text messages, but I understood that it's the only way for him to communicate about his feelings. I was also hurt my the fact that he wanted to break up, but I could understand his reasons. So, I packed some clothes and other stuff so I could go and live with my parents. When my boyfriend came home he apologized, and didn't want me to go... he said that he did some online research and thinks that he has a burn-out or depression. He said that he realizes that he is the one with a problem, and that he doesn't want to lose me. I was confused and angry so decided to go to my parents anyway. He dropped me off and asked to meet again the next day and talk about it. Afterwards, he still sent me soms sweet messages and said that he loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

The next morning, he texted again and was very sweet. Until suddenly, he confessed that he had been sexting with a girl the night before (the girl with who he would go on a date). I was furious! He sent many messanges about how sorry he is, about his feelings for me, about our relationship and that he doesn't want to lose it. I gave him a choice: he'd cancel the date, remove all datingapps and chatsites and will be monogamous again for a long time. If not, we'd break up. He agreed right away and came to visis me after his work. He looked completely broken, a mess, with tears in his eyes. He talked to me about how much he loves me, that he knows that there's something wrong with him. At first, I wasn't able to listen to him because I was still so furious and even revengeful. Actually, I was done with it. I couldn't (and still can't) understand that he decided to give our relationship another chance, to stop hunting for other girls and take the effort to work on himself and our relationship, BUT then the same evening he still sexted with this other girl (even though he knew it would ruin our relationship and hurt me very much). But after a while, when I was calm again, he asked for one more chance and I agreed with it. It's the very last one, and if he screws it up again, I will say goodbye and never look back.

So here we are now, the second time it's his last chance. But now he does realize he needs help with his communication and emotional problems and is looking for it (voluntarily, without me asking for it). I also want him so talk with a therapist about his implusive sexual behavior. He's scared to do this but says that it's necessary. I'm also thinking about seeing a counselor/therapist myself, because I feel very emotional. And maybe, we'll both finally go to a couple couselor, but I first want to wait for his results of the psychological tests.

I'm feeling very confused: I still love him and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to let him play a game with me. I'm scared about my self-esteem. On the other hand, I eel very happy about us still being together. My friends and family are also very happy that I gave him another chance. They all say that we're perfect together, and they believe that he will be able to solve his problems. So.. their reaction also gives me hope!

 

[breathemusic]

Sounds to me like he likes the excitement of new and different, and so once he's been with someone for a long time and the shiny new-ness has faded, he loses sexual interest. I'm not really sure that's something that can be "cured" but at the very least, his communication skills and his ability to self reflect and actually figure out what he wants are something he needs to work on. Sorry to hear things aren't going so well.

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

It might not be what you want to hear.

I'm feeling very confused: I still love him and don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to let him play a game with me. I'm scared about my self-esteem.

If you want clarity rather than confusion? And you don't want to be playing games? And you don't want to be scared about your own self esteem or well being taking a ding? Then I wonder why you give the second chance like this rather than part ways and wait for him to step it up?

Could give him time work on himself on his own. If/when he actually does the work and arrives? If you both agree how to be together? THEN you date him again.

Like shopping. You pay first, and THEN you get to take the item home. Not take the item home and promise to pay later/maybe never pay.

To me that's second chance enough: If he gets it together, and you both agree to the model you want to practice together? THEN you will consider dating him again.

It's not saying you will NEVER date him EVER. It's saying what conditions must be met BEFORE you agree to date again so you can be free of confusion/pain. It also gives you time and space away from the up and down drama to get more calm/stable in yourself. That's not giving him any ultimatums. That you stating/doing what YOU need to remain healthy.

Def do think about seeing a counselor. You have been through the wringer.

By the way, I haven't asked to cancel his date with the other girl and I also don't expect him to do this. But still, I know I'd feel very hurt if he ends up having sex with her next week. I even think it would be the point where I'd decide to really break up (even when we haven't had the chance to go to a counselor yet). I feel very guilty for thinking these things. Is this an insecurity I have to keep for myself because it wouldn't be fair to give my boyfriend this 'ultimatum'? Or would it be okay to openly discuss my feelings about this with him?

I don't think you are insecure.

I think you are in an unstable situation. You are dating a guy who says one thing and then does another. It's hard to trust like that. So of course you feel uncertain about him and taking him at his Word.

I think you could lay out your expectations plain. What you are up for and what you are not up for. He cannot be a mind reader. If this person is your BF, I wonder why you are hesitant to be emotionally honest and up front with him. Do you not feel safe there?

Rather than stressing about all this stuff? Like his date with this woman? You could part ways for now and state what it takes to have you back as a dating partner.

He either does the work or not. Less stress on you.

Why the fear of losing him? You don't think he'll do the work?

On the other hand, I feel very happy about us still being together. My friends and family are also very happy that I gave him another chance. They all say that we're perfect together, and they believe that he will be able to solve his problems. So.. their reaction also gives me hope!

That's the thing. You aren't perfect together right now.

I find it odd that your family wants you to stick with a guy who causes you grief. Rather than encouraging you to look after your own mental health or encouraging you to create your own stability. Encouraging each one of you take the time out to heal your own selves before trying to come together as healthy people in the future.

• Right now? He's not a healthy dating partner.

• Right now? You are feeling confused and uncertain about the choice to be here. That's not "joyous yes" sounding to me.

I would encourage time apart so you can get more stable and so he can actually work on his stuff for real. Not just saying that he will. But actually DOING. Otherwise? It's just a lot of hollow words with no follow through. Or doing just enough to keep you on the string and nothing else.

Galagirl

 

[Shaya]

That's a shitty place you're in Eva. His emotions are all over the place with no consistency and it leaves you blowing in the wind at the mercy of unpredictable forces beyond your control. A truly shitty place to be.

The situation as I recall it (with apologies from me for not going back to read it all again), is that you have been with your boyfriend, the relationship opened, your sex deteriorated, he was unwilling or hesitant to see a counsellor until you pushed for it then he recently agreed to see one did he? He says he wants to break up, then within 24 hours says he wants to stay with you. You ask for no contact with anyone and a return to monogamy, he says yes, then can't keep to the promise (or was he just saying goodbye?). The specifics don't matter. It sounds like a shitstorm of tumultuous emotions, lies and broken trust.

There are 2 options available to you, both of which can lead to a happier life for both of you. I am not suggesting any particular option over the other. That's for you to decide.

Option one is separation. A clean break with a new life. This option is often scary but if you're still young, do not have children, do not have shared finances, a clean break may allow you to start a new relationship with someone healthier.

Option two is reconciliation. This involves no contact other than a discussion with others he's involved with that it's over. Couples counselling and perhaps individual counselling. Although you and him may not see this as an affair, resources from affair recovery may still be useful since they cover issues like broken trust, hurt, lies and betrayal, along with residual romantic feelings or fantasies he may have for other women. At the end of this hard road, you will both be stronger individuals mentally with more self awareness, and hopefully have developed an impenetrable "couple bubble" to link yourselves together against the harshness of the outside world. At the end of this road, you will be stronger people individually and as a couple.

Good luck, it's not an easy path. Feel free to start a blog here or a new thread as new developments happen.

 

[Eva92]

I mean this kindly, ok?
It might not be what you want to hear.

If you want clarity rather than confusion? And you don't want to be playing games? And you don't want to be scared about your own self esteem or well being taking a ding? Then I wonder why you give the second chance like this rather than part ways and wait for him to step it up?

Could give him time work on himself on his own. If/when he actually does the work and arrives? If you both agree how to be together? THEN you date him again.

I know you mean this kindly And I do want to hear it, because I also thought about it. So I hope it doesn't sound like I want te defend him (and myself for making this decision).

We live together, and giving him a last chance isn't really a last chance if I'd move away from him. Besides, it gives me a calm feeling to be around him, rather than to have more space. When I'm not with him now, I start thinking again about everything that happened. While, when we're together, he can make me laugh and make me clear my mind. Right now, it seems like a good place for me to be. And I'll see how it evolves from here.

Why the fear of losing him? You don't think he'll do the work?

I'm scared that he can't do the work. I don't know exactly what's wrong with him but there's something major going on inside his mind (and/or body). I hope the doktor and psychologist can help him, but I'm scared that they won't find the core of his problem, and only improve the 'symptoms' on the short term.

I find it odd that your family wants you to stick with a guy who causes you grief. Rather than encouraging you to look after your own mental health or encouraging you to create your own stability. Encouraging each one of you take the time out to heal your own selves before trying to come together as healthy people in the future.

I think they see my grief and my love for him. They know that the longing to stay with him and work on our problems outweighs the pain and confusion. And as long is this is the case, I won't be able to make to make the decision to part ways.

Option two is reconciliation. This involves no contact other than a discussion with others he's involved with that it's over. Couples counselling and perhaps individual counselling. Although you and him may not see this as an affair, resources from affair recovery may still be useful since they cover issues like broken trust, hurt, lies and betrayal, along with residual romantic feelings or fantasies he may have for other women. At the end of this hard road, you will both be stronger individuals mentally with more self awareness, and hopefully have developed an impenetrable "couple bubble" to link yourselves together against the harshness of the outside world. At the end of this road, you will be stronger people individually and as a couple.

Good luck, it's not an easy path. Feel free to start a blog here or a new thread as new developments happen.

Thank you for your advice. As you can read, the decision has been made (for now). He also told the other girl about his mistake and that he's cancelling the date. They still talk online, but just in a friendly way without any ambiguity. So, that's fine for me. He knows that if I find out he's sexting again or something like that, it's over once and for all. In the past he's always been honest about it (sometimes afterwards), so I've got no reason to think he will remain doing this in secret.

Thank you all very much for the support!

 

[Eva92]

Oh, I almost forgot! I've always felt that there was something 'special' (in a negative way but I don't want to name it like that) about him. Especially his limited communication and emotional skills always made me think about Autism Spectrum Disorder (asperger syndrome in particular). This suspision was never really confirmed because he doesn't meet to the other characteristic.
A few days ago I did some research and read something about 'attachment theory'. I immediately recognized his behavior, my feelings towards him and the problems in our relationship. He seems very avoidant/dismissive in his attachment style. I already talked with him about this, and he says it's a possibility and will remember to talk about it with a psychologist. He doesn't like thinking or talking about these things, but he doesn't blame me for bringing these things up. I hope it doesn't make things worse and that we will get more clarity about this 'guesswork'.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for clarifying. If the decision has been made for now, I suppose you just wait it out and see for now.

I think they see my grief and my love for him. They know that the longing to stay with him and work on our problems outweighs the pain and confusion. And as long is this is the case, I won't be able to make to make the decision to part ways.

I thought the decision to leave was based on his behavior rather than your soft feelings for him. Like if he breaks agreements again, you are going to leave. With regrets maybe, but leave nonetheless.

I'm concerned that if you base your "stayingness" on the longing to stay with him and work on problems? You will keep on overlooking pain/confusion. (You wanting something to happen) isn't enough. It must be a shared vision where he wants that too. And he must be willing to do his share of the work as you do yours.

I'm scared that he can't do the work. I don't know exactly what's wrong with him but there's something major going on inside his mind (and/or body). I hope the doktor and psychologist can help him, but I'm scared that they won't find the core of his problem, and only improve the 'symptoms' on the short term.

I hope they can help him also for both your sakes.

I guess you could hope for the best but at the same time, prepare for the worst.

It's not fun to think about. I'm sorry.

Galagirl

 

[Eva92]

I thought the decision to leave was based on his behavior rather than your soft feelings for him. Like if he breaks agreements again, you are going to leave. With regrets maybe, but leave nonetheless.

I understand your concern. I'm very sure my soft feelings for him won't outweigh the certainty that it's best to leave him if he breaks an agreement again. That's how I see it now. I can forgive him this one last time and choose to stay with him because of my soft feelings. But if my trust is broken again, I'll for sure put myself (and my health) first! I know I can also count on my family and friends to support me with this decision in that case

 

[GalaGirl]

That's good. Sounds like maybe you are not as confused/unclear as you first thought? Because that sounds pretty clear to me!

Galagirl