What helped us recover from NRE related relationship crisis

[anamikanon]

Was reflecting on what went down between Spexy and me when he had an affair and discovered some specific things that helped us recover from it. Thought that it may be useful to others in trouble, though by no means it is a proper list and is based on what we went through and did only and all people are different.

We had been in a relationship for 2 years before this hit

I had a fairly good idea what our strengths and weaknesses were when it came to our relationship as well as having a fair idea of the degree of commitment between us. So while I can't pretend our relationship was a honeymoon - we had our problems and had also gone through a year of major stresses that resulted in relative neglect on our relationship - I did know that what we had was not a trivial thing to either of us as well as had a fair idea of what the problems in our relationship were. And wanting to separate was not one of them.

I was fully aware that it was NRE

While his behavior was very hurtful, at all times I was aware that he was in NRE and not really seeing the big picture and that his behavior was influenced by losing track of important things. This doesn't mean the behavior hurt any less, but it does mean that I was aware that I was the "collateral damage" rather than any intent to hurt me.

Genuine regret and forgiveness

There was no maybe involved. Did we want to fix this and be together? yes. There was no regret "but I wasn't really wrong" or forgive "but I can't really forgive ABC action". We were both committed to repairing our relationship to the best of our ability.

Support and availability

Spexy was at no point impatient with the time I took to cope with this. Sometimes it was not easy. I was incoherent or "discovering" things he had already told me but I had forgotten and they hurt me anew. I was completely crazy initially. I don't mean it in an insulting or demeaning way, but I was hurt and trying to make sense of things and illogical and I could say one thing now and the opposite later because I didn't really know which way lay sense. Spexy himself was under tremendous stress. From one relationship ending, from the other being in serious trouble, from dealing with the upset of us both, his work was suffering.... but at no point did I feel that I could not say anything to him the minute it crossed my mind. I had insecurity about stressing him too much with my mental clutter (and it seemed to go on endlessly), but whenever I did talk to him, he was fully available to the best of his ability till I no longer hesitated - and this is an LDR - we actually went through the worst of it living in different places and on chat. I was not able to talk coherently on phone.

Honesty

This was a struggle. Spexy has difficulty expressing emotions. He also has psychological issues which have given him a very strong tendency to lie or evade if the answer isn't "good". It was quite some time before he was able to give me the honesty I needed to cope with what had happened, but there was another kind of honesty he gave me till then - the honesty of sincere effort. He may not have the vocabulary to talk about many things, he may not have been able to speak of the uglier aspects of what happened, but he never stopped trying to answer my questions to the best of his ability. Often questions that were very similar to the point of being obsessed - because I wasn't getting the honest answers I needed to feel that I was not still being lied to. The lack of avoiding convinced me that he wasn't still deliberately lying to me.

Some amount of fairly ruthless compartmentalizing and even burying of concerns

I was overwhelmed by what had happened. I was not functioning. I took large chunks of things that bothered me and papered them over with the conviction based on observable behavior that Spexy loved me and was committed to fixing us. It allowed me to take some things as "will be fixed" on blind faith temporarily and not keep thinking in circles with one problem feeding the other, feeding the next and keeping me dazed in a loop of hurtful thoughts.

For example, while Spexy regretted his actions and committed to repairing our relationship almost immediately after causing me hurt, it was some time before he was able to get over his own turmoil and frustration and the "firefighting mode" on several fronts and express love. Till that happened, I simply took it on faith - his stated intent was good enough for me based on the 2 years we had been together.

It allowed me to function without second guessing every attempt at conversation. It allowed me to interact with him in the present and focus on creating some kind of basic relationship with immediate interactions. Once he was "back online" so to say, it resulted in a period of flashbacks and revisiting the relationship and talking things through and I no longer needed to take it on faith, because I could FEEL what was the truth.

If I had found the commitment I had taken as a token to be failing, I'd have brought up the question of whether he loved me now and found it false and probably broken up. But his commitment was consistent. I took it on faith and gave him the time and space he needed to get his own mind and heart in order.

If something was overwhelming and would take time to resolve, I put it on a to-do list in my mind and proceeded with what was urgent and needed to be and could be addressed immediately if we were to have a relationship - intentions, actions, apologies, basic rules, commitments, overdue self-care (stop crying, eat, bathe, sleep), survive... It was a bit cold-blooded, but my emotions were such a jumble that it was necessary. It was still about a month before I felt I could focus on anything but spending the day in a daze thinking and rethinking what was going on, feeling lost and betrayed and hurt. For example, last night's conversation would have left me in a devastated daze for a week if it had happened just two months after his affair and before we had the opportunity to experience that we did value each other very much.

I still have episodes on and off when I feel ready to look at some of the things I had set aside for later. Initially those lasted a couple of days or more. Back to the devastated stupor. With time they got easier as various aspects of our relationship improved and created a security in our relationship and I could often discuss something and put it out of my mind (not always that easy)

Targeted focus

There were many upsetting things all around. I was careful to not let anything unrelated (family related stresses, stresses related with his work, etc) attach itself to the relationship problem. I am profoundly grateful that I didn't experience jealousy about the other woman, but if I had, I would have made an effort to set it aside as something not directly between the two of us and kept my focus on the already monumental issue of insecurity and how to feel secure. In effect, what I did was brutally pruned away anything that was not directly a result of the dynamic between the two of us to keep from making the problem bigger and bigger with every unexpected adverse development.

Patience

Some of the most difficult times were when I was impatient with the process and tired of the continuing hurts and wanted the repair over already and my good stable relationship back. Some of the better times were when I took my upset philosophically and accepted that it was going to take the time it was going to take. It was going to suck, but at least we were improving.

Genie is not going to go back into the bottle

It took me a while to accept this. Our broken relationship was not going to come back. We were building something new. Negotiating things all over again. It took me still longer to acknowledge that I liked what we have now better than what we had, even if it was still a work in progress, because we were building it thoughtfully and with immense value for each other. It was the state of the previous relationship that brought us to the crisis. I stopped pining for something that was headed for such devastation and thinking of what we were going through as a temporary phase. It was our new reality and we had the opportunity to create it as we wanted it to be. And we both wanted it to be very appreciative of each other.

Consciously creating pleasurable alternatives and bypasses

Spexy is into watching off-beat films and has a collection he often tried to get us to watch together, but it hadn't worked out for one reason or the other. I am not into films, but am not averse to them either. In the time immediately after the affair and start of reconciliation, when conversations were difficult and often resulted in emotional overload, we filled his visits with film watching. It allowed us to get a mental vacation from all the chaos and just be together. Often our choices of films were along subjects that resulted in thought provoking discussions that also had insights for what we were going through. It was a relatively low key way of coming to terms with what we had gone through and helped us feel "together" a lot.

Work in Progress

We are at a place where we accept our relationship as a work in progress. Not everything is resolved, and the relationship is committed to evolving with new experiences in any case. I still have trust issues. He still has a lot of blame for himself. We have stopped obsessing with a condition of "fixed" and appreciate that we are in a good place right now and have the skills to manage problems that arise better than we could ever before.

Not sure that it is so useful after writing it. Looks more like a diary/reflections. I also will likely have other things I think of later.

 

[anamikanon]

Occurs to me, both partners have to want it.

When in an NRE high, he broke off with me, I did not insist that he try to save our relationship. I thought it was impulsive, but I didn't try to convince him of that. I took him at his word. When he thought things through and wanted to be back is when we started to rebuild. But I think both of us voluntarily wanting it to work was key. If I had walked out, he wouldn't have stopped me. He walked out, I didn't stop him. He returned because he wanted to. We were in this together because we both wanted to be. Neither of us owes the other "together". We were both independent people CHOOSING to walk together free of any manipulation. If either of us chose not to do it, our choice would be respected.

I may not have put this well, but it matters, I think. It sort of made the commitment to repair our relationship much more conscious and stronger.

 

[dingedheart]

We had been in a relationship for 2 years before this hit

I think the this might have given you a slight edge along with your relationship being set up as open from the start. For example someone who was in a mono marriage for 10 plus yrs and arrives via a poly bomb has let's say 12-14 yrs of personal history floating around in their heads of how they've been treated and how their spouses have acted in the past.


I was fully aware that it was NRE

I was told the many many times and then and now I not sure what difference it makes. My thought then was ok it's NRE what happens if her falling in love actually forces me to fall out of love ??? What happens when the vase is shattered. The damage is done. A new member recently reminded me of a phrase I used back then " death by a thousand paper cuts" It's not one slight or one incident it's the the cumulative effect.
Also I talked about this recently on another thread in the NRE phase you can seriously question the topic of " settling " and the value of the marriage and the value of your spouse or partner. It's called poly hell for a reason.

Would you say the same thing if it were alcohol or heroin ?

Genuine regret and forgiveness

First are we talking about an incident/ an NRE event or or a string of events that caused a relationship crisis? Genuine regret do we measure What's at stake ?

I think support and availability, honesty, targeted focus and patience are all good initial steps for recovery but I think the key is your last comment. They both have to want it.

 

[anamikanon]

We had been in a relationship for 2 years before this hit

I think the this might have given you a slight edge along with your relationship being set up as open from the start. For example someone who was in a mono marriage for 10 plus yrs and arrives via a poly bomb has let's say 12-14 yrs of personal history floating around in their heads of how they've been treated and how their spouses have acted in the past.

Agree. Also that the 2 years were largely very good and that he had from the start gone above and beyond to demonstrate his love and interest in us actively. So this uncaring behavior was starkly abnormal. Our relationship had never reached the "auto-pilot" stage. We were constantly evolving it, which takes continuing and active participation from him.

I was fully aware that it was NRE

I was told the many many times and then and now I not sure what difference it makes. My thought then was ok it's NRE what happens if her falling in love actually forces me to fall out of love ??? What happens when the vase is shattered. The damage is done. A new member recently reminded me of a phrase I used back then " death by a thousand paper cuts" It's not one slight or one incident it's the the cumulative effect.
Also I talked about this recently on another thread in the NRE phase you can seriously question the topic of " settling " and the value of the marriage and the value of your spouse or partner. It's called poly hell for a reason.

I don't think it hurt less because it was NRE, but it made it easier to forgive knowing that he was acting completely out of character and that NRE was the likely reason and it doesn't last forever. So maybe naively (but vital to my sanity) was the hope that one day he won't be intoxicated and we will be able to talk of this with love and caring. I had literally stopped analyzing as much of his behavior as I could possibly evade thinking about, knowing full well that I would bring it up at a saner time. And I did. And I still do. Right now we are yet in the middle of some very difficult dialogue around that betrayal.

The most important thing the NRE did was tell me that his hurtful behavior was unlikely to be a change in our relationship for the worse so much as a very traumatic, but definitely limited detour. It was also a useful perspective. Before we got into a relationship, I'd had over two decades of sexual experience while I was spexy's first lover. I had a lot more knowledge of how hormones can catch us unawares from own experiences, and could see that he had been caught unawares.

Genuine regret and forgiveness

First are we talking about an incident/ an NRE event or or a string of events that caused a relationship crisis? Genuine regret do we measure What's at stake ?

A string of events. Some immediately related with being in NRE, some related to covering up the magnitude of what he did that lasted for much longer than the relationship. Some omissions he simply didn't realize the significance of, till they tripped me into mental chaos. All of the events compounded by psychological issues that made honesty very difficult on his end if he feared the consequences.

I did not understand the last line. If you mean how I understood his regret was genuine? I was in an intimate relationship with him. I know when he is being honest. I know when he is terrified. I know when he is ashamed and traumatized by his own actions towards me. Since that time to now, a year later, he has dropped all defenses, answered any and all questions I needed to know (even obsessively, repeatedly at times), reassured me as many times as I needed, gave complete explanations for anything he did or was doing any time I had the whim to ask. There is no doubt in my mind that if I need something to heal, and if it is possible for him to provide, he will. No hesitation, no reserve. He is sad that I am paying such a price for his thoughtless action. Whatever it takes to repair our relationship is what he wants, is how I have read his behavior and responses. I am clubbing all that observable behavior under genuine regret as well. Once his head was out of the clouds, we were both clinging to each other and determined to not sink.

Our relationship was at stake. Both of us believed we had something very special that we were growing. Neither of us was anywhere close to ending it. Neither of us wanted to lose the family we had created together. Both of us were willing to give it as much time as it took. There never was a Plan B to fixing the relationship. For either of us.

I think support and availability, honesty, targeted focus and patience are all good initial steps for recovery but I think the key is your last comment. They both have to want it.

Yes

 

[dingedheart]

I don't think it hurt less because it was NRE, but it made it easier to forgive knowing that he was acting completely out of character and that NRE was the likely reason and it doesn't last forever. So maybe naively (but vital to my sanity) was the hope that one day he won't be intoxicated and we will be able to talk of this with love and caring. I had literally stopped analyzing as much of his behavior as I could possibly evade thinking about, knowing full well that I would bring it up at a saner time. And I did. And I still do. Right now we are yet in the middle of some very difficult dialogue around that betrayal.

Yes Completely out of character is the big symptom however that doesn't work so good when in the middle of instituting a major life change ie restructuring your romantic relationship dynamic. That's half of the confusion. Everyone who agrees to go down this road knows that major change is involved and your personal gyro scope is say that was bad this is bad and everything you see or feel is being downplayed or labeled imagined, ungrounded. I'd argue that NRE is the selfish expression of preference. And people generally make choices based on preference. Did you ever wonder if left completely unchecked what would happen ?



I think I might be more pragmatic or valued my time more to just hope one day the heroin addict comes down. Were you willing to hope and wait 2 yrs ?

Is there a line that NRE fueled behavior can't cross ?? When is too much too much.

How long did the NRE phase last for the 2 of you in your relationship? By my math it could have just ended. They say 6 months to 2 yrs

And how long was his other relationship or how long did the NRE phase last?

The most important thing the NRE did was tell me that his hurtful behavior was unlikely to be a change in our relationship for the worse so much as a very traumatic, but definitely limited detour. It was also a useful perspective. Before we got into a relationship, I'd had over two decades of sexual experience while I was spexy's first lover. I had a lot more knowledge of how hormones can catch us unawares from own experiences, and could see that he had been caught unawares.

How exactly did it tell you that ?

 

[anamikanon]

Yes Completely out of character is the big symptom however that doesn't work so good when in the middle of instituting a major life change ie restructuring your romantic relationship dynamic. That's half of the confusion. Everyone who agrees to go down this road knows that major change is involved and your personal gyro scope is say that was bad this is bad and everything you see or feel is being downplayed or labeled imagined, ungrounded. I'd argue that NRE is the selfish expression of preference. And people generally make choices based on preference. Did you ever wonder if left completely unchecked what would happen ?

I think in that sense I had it easy. I am not jealous by nature and I don't rattle easy. He'd had an affair and wanted to turn it poly. We had a relationship that was fairly important to both of us. I wouldn't have minded that relationship lasting, but given the conservative environment he lived in, I was fairly certain he'd come up against his own taboos and caution way before anything I couldn't handle. And that is if all went well. It didn't.

I think I might be more pragmatic or valued my time more to just hope one day the heroin addict comes down. Were you willing to hope and wait 2 yrs ?

I didn't have to. The whole thing was over in under a week, though issues with her went on for another few months and we are still in the process of healing. But the NRE itself ended pretty rapidly when she hit him when he wouldn't choose between her and me - or rather when he chose me. I admit I hadn't seen that coming, but I hadn't expected to wait for longer than a month - after which I was visiting his city anyway and we could probably meet face to face and figure the chaos out. It didn't last till my visit. Though the aftershocks were still sort of happening. You can read it on Spexy's blog.

Is there a line that NRE fueled behavior can't cross ?? When is too much too much.

NRE will cross everything. We have to draw a line where we can cope and where saving the relationship is not worth the headache. I knew the man, I knew the situation. I was fairly certain he'd blindly stumbled into something without thinking it through and would be running for the exit when he came to his senses. So waiting made sense for me.

It has still been brutal. I spent last night crying over something that happened a year ago. But I dare say reacting to everything while he was high on NRE would only have added the things to recover from. I dodged what I could, faced what I couldn't dodge and it was still a lot. He had the misfortune of tangling with a "cowgirl" and has difficulties with boundaries. Offhand I can't think of a worse combo. A woman out to get a man for herself because she likes how he is as a partner and a man who can't say no. It resulted in a massive mess in all directions. I tried not to add to it, that is all. I wasn't worried about losing him. I was mostly worried about his boundaries being trampled all over.

How long did the NRE phase last for the 2 of you in your relationship? By my math it could have just ended. They say 6 months to 2 yrs

It still feels like NRE. But I think it went on for about 6 months, after which my dying father came to live with me and it was time to face some pretty depressing times so that was like being hosed with cold water. Then my son had surgeries. We were mostly at the end of our rope juggling various serious needs and a long distance relationship while being exhausted all the time. We got a break after dad died, but Spexy's affair happened. We got right back into NRE while fixing the damage from it. But our NRE wasn't and isn't anything crazy like what happened with his affair.

And how long was his other relationship or how long did the NRE phase last?

Officially 3 days. Unofficially he spent a month or so building intimacy and another couple of weeks detangling himself from what he had got himself up to, another couple of months before she gave up on trying to get him back. For him, I think NRE was done a week after they ended the affair, for her I think it went on for a while, but frustrated and it got very ugly.

How exactly did it tell you that ?

From his behavior. He had no idea what he was up to. On returning from visiting his girlfriend, he was in some fantasy polyland or honeymoon with her. Give him a couple of hours and he had forgotten all about her and was messaging me round the clock. Who in the world spends most of their time obsessed with existing partner in the middle of NRE?

Much later, when his girlfriend tried to drive a wedge between us, she'd said something like "he was messaging me every hour". I was very keen to end the conversation she was trying to create drama out of, or my spontaneous thought was "so? He messages me three times a minute for hours on end and has been doing it for years"

That's how it told me. I was fairly certain nothing was going to change beyond this brief exception, because already nothing was changing. Other than the times after returning from her when he could get really cruel to me, it was like she didn't exist - this includes the day when he had sex with her for the first time and the day after that too. That sound like much was changing? Didn't, to me.

 

[anamikanon]

The problem wasn't that relationship so much. It was the cruel behavior of a person with very poor boundaries while under the influence of NRE with a "cowgirl" - She wanted him for herself and after spending time with her, he used to be filled with that "reality" where I was a problem, I was an inconvenience. It was godawful. I won't pretend it was in the least easy. It was major trauma. I hadn't gone through anything like this.

But the relationship itself? I wasn't too worried. I knew what we had when not in this mess and we still had it other than a couple of hours of him returning from her. I could see she the problem and it was terrifying, but that was one area where any voice of caution or advice went unheard. And I pretty much told him what to be careful of. "Learn to say no" "Don't promise anything you aren't willing to deliver" "Leave the immediate presence if you are not able to refuse something you don't want to agree to" "She wants you for herself" "It isn't going to end well if she realizes you aren't ditching me" "She could get vindictive"

When a woman with a history of getting into affairs with married men starts building a romantic relationship with you "knowing" you are in a monogamous relationship (we were non-monogamous, but she didn't know it and neither of us had acted on it), it doesn't matter whether she calls herself your friend - friends don't do such things. Only real response to keep sanity is to RUNNNNNN. He didn't. He was attracted. I wasn't. I ran. Left him free to figure out his relationship beyond my observations. If he was that far gone to ditch me over a hard on, she was welcome to have him.

All of the above came true with time. It put him through hell. I was already in hell.

 

[dingedheart]

Sorry for the loss of your father.


A relationship that last 3 days and NRE lasting maybe a week in LDR I'd say you got off extremely extremely lucky. Your time in the trench explains how you arrived at some of your opinions on NRE recovery. Also IMO the fact you were not married and or not living together is another huge factor removing you from the full on trench experience. I know this doesn't minimize your pain and suffering I'm just suggesting it could have been much much worse or prolonged had things run a more usual course.

 

[anamikanon]

The short duration of the relationship was definitely a good thing, but LDR added to problems. EVERYTHING was worse because it was LDR. Spexy was lying about crucial things and I had no way to even get an idea of what was really going on. It is a pretty serious relationship and not the relatively compartmentalized one LDR often implies. We are planning to live together as a final goal once we resolve practical problems with important ties to separate cities. Both our families know, he's my son's guardian in the event something happens to me and so on. It was more like a "husband who travels a lot" than "occasional partner in another city".